Grand Theft Fail: Series Two - Rebirth and Finales
by BattleOfDuty
Summary: A Fourteen new episode spoof of the Grand Theft Auto series set in real life New York heading towards 9/11. After saving New York in 2001. They find a Tardis and get Time Lord powers.
1. Xmas Special - Voyage Of The Oh Damn!

Grand Theft Fail: Christmas Special – Voyage Of The Oh Damn!

**[Tardis]**

(The Tardis is in flight. Suddenly a foghorn sounds and a ship's bow crashes through the side of the Tardis.)  
NIKKO: What? What?  
(A ship's bell sounds, and he picks up life belt that has the name Titanic on it.)  
BELLA: What?  
(Nikko returns to the console and adjusts the controls. The Tardis walls reforms, pushing the ship back outside. Then he materialises inside the ship, next to a board detailing a list of shipping companies. The foghorn is sounding again.)

**[Reception]**

(People in Edwardian dress are enjoying a champagne buffet. A band plays a slow version of Jingle Bells. Around the room are golden skinned statues of male angels. One moves as Matthew walks past. Then he spots a small red-skinned alien in a dinner jacket, and goes to a window.)  
NIKKO: Right.  
TANNOY: Attention all passengers. The Titanic is now in orbit above Sol Three, also known as Earth. Population, Human. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas.

**[Bridge]**

(Captain Hardaker and his crew are also in Edwardian era uniforms, and the bridge is elegantly period, but the equipment is hi-tech. Are we in for Robots of Death meets Terminus, or a version of Douglas Adams' Starship Titanic?)  
CAPTAIN: Nice and steady. Good work, Mister Cavill. And maintain position. Now then, gentlemen, according to the traditions of the planet below, Christmas are a time of celebration. I think you might be entitled to a tot of rum. Just the one. Off you go. I'll keep watch.  
CAVILL: Sir.  
(The helmsman salutes and leaves, followed by others. Just the youngest officer remains.)  
CAPTAIN: And you. What was it?  
FRAME: Midshipman Frame, sir. Only just qualified, sir. First trip out.  
CAPTAIN: Then you can stand down, Midshipman.  
FRAME: Er, but, er, regulations say the bridge has to be staffed by two crewmembers at any one time, sir.  
CAPTAIN: Well said. Very good. Well, it should be nice and quiet. It's only a level five planet down below. They don't even know we're here. Silent Night, I believe they call it. A silent night.

**[Reception]**

(A recording of a bald man with a thin moustache sitting behind a desk.)  
CAPRICORN [on screen]: Max Capricorn Cruiseliners. The fastest, the farthest, the best. And I should know because my name is Max.  
(His gold tooth glints in the light. The screen returns to the logo, and the lady singer croons Winter Wonderland. Nikko has changed into dinner jacket and bow tie.)  
STEWARD: Merry Christmas, sir.  
BELLA: Merry Christmas.  
(Couples are dancing to the music. Matthew mingles, passing a man on his mobile phone.)  
SLADE: It's not a holiday for me, not while I've still got my vone. Now do as I say and sell.  
(Nikko goes up to one of the angels.)  
NIKKO: Evening. Passengers fifty-seven; fifty-eight and fifty nine. Terrible memories. Remind me. You would be?  
HOST: Information. Heavenly Host supplying tourist information.  
NIKKO: Good, so, tell me, because I'm an idiot, where are we from?  
HOST: Information. The Titanic is en route from the planet Sto in the Cassavalian Belt. The purpose of the cruise is to experience primitive cultures.  
BELLA: Titanic. Who thought of the name?  
HOST: Information. It was chosen as the most famous vessel of the planet Earth.  
MATTHEW: Did they tell you why it was famous?  
HOST: Information. Mister Max Capricorn, president of Max, Max, Max  
(The Host twitches and its voice pitch rises. The Steward notices and hurries over.)  
NIKKO: Ooo, bit of a glitch.  
STEWARD: It's all right, sir, we can handle this.  
(Two more officers arrive and they switch off the Host before carrying it away.)  
STEWARD: Software problem, that's all. Leave it with us, sir. Merry Christmas. That's another one down. What's going on with these things?

**[Host maintenance room]**

STEWARD: That's eight of them now on the blink. One woman, she asked the Host to fix her necklace. It almost broke her neck. In First Class.  
ENGINEER: I've been over the robotics. Nothing. It's like something's got into them. Some kind of bug.  
(Another Host is brought in on a forklift.)  
ENGINEER: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. Over there. Bay fifteen.  
STEWARD: Tell you what. If you can't fix them, throw them overboard.  
(The new broken Host watches him leave.)

**[Reception]**

(Slade bumps into the little waitress, making her drop her tray of drinks.)  
SLADE: For Tov's sake, look where you're going. This jacket's a genuine Earth antique.  
ASTRID: I'm sorry, sir.  
(Yes, that is Kylie Minogue.)  
SLADE: You'll be sorry when it comes off your wages, sweetheart. Staffed by idiots. No wonder Max Capricorn's going down the drain.  
(Slade leaves. Matthew stoops to help.)  
MATTHEW: Careful. There we go.  
ASTRID: Thank you, sir. I can manage.  
MATTHEW: I never said you couldn't. I'm Matthew, by the way and this is Bella and her husband Nikko.  
ASTRID: Astrid, sir's and madam. Astrid Peth.  
MATTHEW: Nice to meet you, Astrid Peth. Merry Christmas.  
ASTRID: You enjoying the cruise?  
MATTHEW: Er, yeah, I suppose. I don't know. It doesn't quite work, a cruise on your own with a married couple. What about you? Long way from home, Planet Sto.  
ASTRID: Doesn't feel that different. I spent three years working at the spaceport diner, travelled all the way here and I'm still waiting on tables.  
NIKKO: No shore leave?  
ASTRID: We're not allowed. They can't afford the insurance. I just wanted to try it, just once. I used to watch the ships heading out to the stars and I always dreamt of. It sounds daft.  
BELLA: You dreamt of another sky. New sun, new air, new life. A whole universe teeming with life. Why stand still when there're all that life out there?  
ASTRID: So, you travel a lot?  
NIKKO: All the time. Just for fun. Well, that's the plan. Never quite works.  
ASTRID: Must be rich, though.  
NIKKO: Haven't got a penny. Stowaways.  
ASTRID: Kidding.  
BELLA: Seriously.  
ASTRID: No.  
MATTHEW: Oh, yeah.  
ASTRID: How did you get on board?  
NIKKO: Accident. I've got this, sort of, ship thing. I was just rebuilding her. Left the defences down. Bumped into the Titanic.  
ASTRID: I should report you three.  
BELLA: Go on then.  
ASTRID: I'll get you all drink on the house.  
(Over at another table, a bunch of toffs are laughing at a large woman in a purple cowboy outfit and her equally well-padded companion. Bella and Nikko joins them.)  
MORVIN: (the man) Just ignore them.  
NIKKO: Something's tickled them.  
FOON: (the woman) They told us it was fancy dress. Very funny, I'm sure.  
MORVIN: They're just picking on us because we haven't paid. We won our tickets in a competition.  
FOON: I had to name the five husbands of Joofie Crystalle in By the Light of the Asteroid. Did you ever watch By the Light of the Asteroid?  
BELLA: Is that the one with the twins?  
FOON: That's it. Oh, it's marvellous.  
MORVIN: But we're not good enough for that lot. They think we should be in steerage.  
NIKKO: Well, can't have that, can we?  
(With his back towards the toffs, Nikko aims his sonic screwdriver at the champagne bottle in the bucket on their table. The cork pops out, spraying their expensive clothes with alcohol.)  
FOON: Did you do that?  
NIKKO: Maybe.  
FOON: We like you two.  
MORVIN: We do. I'm Morvin Van Hoff. This is my good woman, Foon.  
NIKKO: Foon. Hello, I'm Nikko and this is my wife Bella.  
FOON: Oh, time I've finished with that buffet. Have a buffalo wing. They must be enormous, these buffalo. So many wings.  
TANNOY: Attention please. Shore leave tickets Red Six Seven now activated. Red Six Seven.  
FOON: Red Six Seven. That's us. Are you Red Six Seven?  
NIKKO: Might as well be.  
MORVIN: Come on, then. We're going to Earth.

**[Bridge]**

(A small alarm is beeping.)  
FRAME: Seems to be power diverted to Deck thirty-one, sir. It flared up then it stopped.  
CAPTAIN: Nothing to worry about. She's an old ship, full of aches and pains.  
FRAME: Picking up a meteoroid shower portside, bearing west fifty-six north two.  
CAPTAIN: Pretty standard in this part of space. Miles away.  
FRAME: We could probably see it, sir. (Frame uses binoculars to look at three trails of flame in the vacuum of space.)

**[Reception]**

(A man in a tweed suit is holding up a sign.)  
COPPER: Red Six Seven. Red Six Seven. This way, fast as you can.  
ASTRID: I got you that drink.  
NIKKO: And I got you a treat. Come on.  
COPPER: Red Six Seven departing shortly.  
(Nikko shows him the psychic paper.)  
NIKKO: Red Six Seven plus three.  
COPPER: Quickly, sir, please, and take four teleport bracelets if you would.  
(Very Blake's 7, another BBC sci fi hit.)  
ASTRID: I'll get the sack.  
NIKKO: Brand-new sky.  
COPPER: To repeat, I am Mister Copper, the ship's historian, and I shall be taking you to old London town in the country of UK, ruled over by good King Wenceslas. Now, human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws, and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of UK go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner like savages.  
BELLA: Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, but, er, where did you get all this from?  
COPPER: Well, I have a first class degree in Earthonomics. Now, stand by.  
(The little red alien runs up.)  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: And me! And me! Red Six Seven.  
COPPER: Well, take a bracelet, please, sir.  
DOCTOR: But, er, hold on, hold on. What was your name?  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta.  
NIKKO: Okay, Bannakaffalatta. But it's Christmas Eve down there. Late night shopping, tons of people. He's like a talking conker. No offence, but you'll cause a riot because the streets are going to be packed with shoppers and parties and

**[Street]**

(The group are teleported in mid word to an empty shopping street.)  
NIKKO: Oh.  
COPPER: Now, spending money. I have a credit card in Earth currency if you want to by trinkets, or stockings, or the local delicacy, which is known as beef. But don't stray too far, it could be dangerous. Any day now they start boxing.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Very good.  
NIKKO: It should be full. It should be busy. Something's wrong.  
ASTRID: But it's beautiful.  
MATTHEW: Really? Do you think so? It's just a street. The pyramids are beautiful, and New Zealand.  
ASTRID: But it's a different planet. I'm standing on a different planet. There's concrete and shops. Alien shops. Real alien shops! Look, no stars in the sky. And it smells. It stinks! Oh, this is amazing. Thank you!  
NIKKO: Yeah? Come on then, let's have a look.  
(Next to the news stand is a billboard for The Examiner, headline - London Deserted. The proprietor has a Union Flag behind him. This is Bernard Cribbins, once a companion of the Peter Cushing Doctor.)  
BELLA: Hello, there. Sorry, obvious question, but where's everybody gone?  
WILF: Oh ho, scared!  
NIKKO: Right. Yes. Scared of what?  
WILF: Where've you been living? London at Christmas? Not safe, is it.  
MATTHEW: Why?  
WILF: Well, it's them, up above. Look, Christmas before last we had that big bloody spaceship, everyone standing on a roof. And then last year, that Christmas Star electrocuting all over the place, draining the Thames.  
ASTRID: This place is amazing.  
WILF: And this year, Lord knows what. So, everybody's scarpered. Gone to the country. All except me and Her Majesty.  
NICHOLAS WITCHELL [on TV]: Her Majesty the Queen has confirmed that she'll be staying in Buckingham Palace throughout the festive season to show the people of London, and the world, that there's nothing to fear.  
WILF: God bless her. We stand vigil.  
NIKKO: Well, between you and me, I think her Majesty's got it right. Far as I know, this year, nothing to worry about.  
(They vanish.)  
WILF: Then again.

**[Reception]**

NIKKO: I was in mid-sentence.  
COPPER: Yes, I'm sorry about that. A bit of a problem. If I could have your bracelets.  
STEWARD: Apologies, ladies and gentlemen, and Bannakaffalatta. We seem to have suffered a slight power fluctuation. If you'd like to return to the festivities. And on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners, free drinks will be provided.  
FOON: Thank you.  
ASTRID: That was the best. The best!  
NIKKO: What sort of power fluctuation?

**[Bridge]**

(Frame watches the improbably burning objects turn towards the Titanic.)  
FRAME: That's a bit odd, sir. The meteoroids are changing course. Still, we can put the shields up to maximum, just in case.  
CAPTAIN: As you were, Midshipman.  
FRAME: Sir? You're magnetising the hull, sir. It's drawing the meteors in.  
COMPUTER: Port turning Earthside.  
FRAME: I take it that's deliberate.  
COMPUTER: Port turning Earthside.  
FRAME: Bit of a light show for the guests.  
CAPTAIN: Something like that.

**[Reception]**

(The singer is crooning 'The Stowaway', by Murray Gold.)  
SINGER: You shouldn't be here. What's your tale? I ought to throw you to the whale. He just smiled and said, come here, let's dance. He said, borrow or steal, I'll find a way to be with my lover upon Christmas Day. And I'll run and I'll roam, I'll cover the ground. This Christmas I'll see you. I'll be around.  
CAPRICORN [in picture frame]: And I should know because my name is Max. The fastest, the furthest, the best. My name is Max.  
(Nikko uses his sonic screwdriver to unfasten the frame and get at the electronics behind it. He changes the image to ship's status. The shields are off-line. Bella looks out of the nearby porthole to see the three fireballs heading their way.)

**[Bridge]**

(The speaking tube whistles.)  
NIKKO [OC]: Is that the bridge? I need to talk to the Captain. You've got a meteoroid storm coming in

**[Reception]**

BELLA: West zero by north two.

**[Bridge]**

CAPTAIN: Who is this?

**[Reception]**

BELLA: Never mind that, your shields are down. Check your scanners, Captain. You've got meteoroids coming in and now shielding.

**[Bridge]**

CAPTAIN: You have no authorisation. You will clear the comms at once.

**[Reception]**

NIKKO: Yeah? Just look starboard!  
STEWARD: Come with me, sir.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: But he's right, sir. The shields have been taken offline.  
CAPTAIN: Step away from there.  
FRAME: But we have to re energise them.  
CAPTAIN: I said step away, Midshipman.  
(The Captain points a revolver at Frame.)

**[Reception]**

(Nikko is being escorted off deck.)  
DOCTOR: You've got a rock storm heading for this ship and the shields are down.

**[Bridge]**

CAPTAIN: They promised me old men.  
FRAME: I'm sorry, sir?  
CAPTAIN: On the crew. Sea dogs. Men who'd had their time. Not boys.

**[Reception]**

(Nikko gets away from his escort.)  
SINGER: Be with my lover on next Christmas Day, and I'll run and I'll roam, I'll cover the ground.  
(Nikko takes the microphone stand from the singer.)  
NIKKO: Everyone, listen to me! This is an emergency! Get to the lifeb  
(A Host puts its hand over the Nikko's mouth.)

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: I'm sorry, sir. It's my duty!  
(Frame reaches for the controls, and the Captain shoots him.)

**[Reception]**

NIKKO: Look out the windows!  
(Nikko is taken away.)  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Him friend.  
(Matthew sees the meteoroids.)  
NIKKO: If you don't believe me, check the shields yourself.  
ASTRID: Sir, I can vouch for him!  
MORVIN: Look, Steward, he's just had a bit too much to drink.  
COPPER: Sir, something seems to have gone wrong. All the teleports have gone down.  
STEWARD: Not now!  
(A piece of hot rock breaks through a window and lands at Slade's feet.)  
COMPUTER: Oxygen membrane holding. Oxygen membrane holding.  
(Slade goes to a nearby Host.)  
MATTHEW: You there. Has anyone checked the external shielding?  
HOST: Information. You are all going to die.  
(On the bridge, the Captain is at the wheel whilst Frame is lying on the floor, bleeding from a wound to his upper right chest.)  
SLADE: Where's the Chief Steward?  
OFFICER: Er, he went that way, sir.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: The shields are down. We are going to get hit.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: You're going to kill us.  
CAPTAIN: I'm dying already. Six months. And they offered me so much money for my family.

**[Corridor]**

MATTHEW: Oi! Steward! I'm telling you, the shields are down!  
NIKKO: Listen to him. Listen to him!

**[Reception]**

CAPRICORN [on screen]: Max Capricorn.  
WOMAN: Darling, come and have a look at this.  
CAPRICORN [on screen]: Fastest  
COMPUTER: Red Alert. Red Alert.  
MAN: Cheers.  
CAPRICORN [on screen]: The furthest. The best.  
(The first fireball impacts the Titanic dead centre. Fires, panic.)  
STEWARDESS: Please, stay calm.  
(The other two hit fore and aft.)

**[Host Maintenance room]**

(The damaged robots are reactivating.)  
ENGINEER: Bert! Bert! Help me! Help!  
(Debris falls on him.)

**[Corridor]**

(An explosion sends the Nikko and Bella flying, then everything goes quiet, apart from people whimpering.)  
MORVIN: It's all right, sweetheart.  
NIKKO: Shush. It's stopping.  
(There are three large holes in the hull.)  
NIKKO: You all right?  
BELLA: I think so.  
NIKKO: Bad name for a ship. Either that or this suit is really unlucky.  
CAPRICORN [OC]: My name is Max. My name is Max. My name is Max.  
STEWARD: Er, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, Bannakaffalatta. I must apologise on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners. We seem to have had a small collision.  
MORVIN: Small?  
SLADE: Do you know how much I paid for my ticket?  
STEWARD: If I could have silence, ladies, gentlemen. Please. Quiet! Thank you. I'm sure Max Capricorn Cruiseliners will be able to reimburse you for any inconvenience, but first I would point out that we're very much alive.  
BELLA: Doctor.  
(Mister Copper has a cut on his head.)  
MATTHEW: Are you all right?  
STEWARD: She is, after all, a fine, sturdy ship. If you could all stay here while I ascertain the exact nature of the situation.  
(The Chief Steward goes to a nearby hatch.)  
BELLA: Don't open it!  
(Too late. The Chief Steward is sucked out into space. Everybody hangs onto the nearest fixed object while Nikko sonics a control panel that is flashing Vacuum Breach. It changes to Oxygen Shield.)  
COMPUTER: Oxygen shield stabilised.  
NIKKO: Everyone all right? Bella?  
BELLA: Yeah.  
NIKKO: Foon? Morvin? Mister Copper? Bannakaffalatta? Matthew?  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Yes.  
NIKKO: You, what was your name?  
SLADE: Rickston Slade.  
NIKKO: You all right?  
SLADE: No thanks to that idiot.  
BELLA: The steward just died.  
SLADE: Then he's a dead idiot.  
NIKKO: All right, calm down. Just stay still, all of you. Hold on.  
BELLA: What happened? How come the shields were down?  
NIKKO: I don't think it was an accident.  
(They look out of the hatchway and the hole in the side of the ship to the floating debris and bodies.)  
BELLA: How many dead?  
NIKKO: We're alive. Just focus on that. I will get you out of here, Astrid, I promise. Look at me. I promise. Good. Now, if we can get to Reception, I've got the Tardis tucked away. We can all get on board and. Oh.  
BELLA: What is it? What's wrong?  
NIKKO: It's over there.  
BELLA: Where?  
NIKKO: There.  
NIKKO: Trouble is, once it's set adrift, it's programmed to lock onto the nearest centre of gravity, and that would be the Earth.

**[Host Maintenance room]**

(The Chief Engineer is trapped by a fallen girder.)  
ENGINEER: Don't just stand there. Get this thing off me. Host, that's an order. Help me! That's your job, isn't it?  
HOST: Information. We now have only one function.  
ENGINEER: And what's that?  
HOST: Information. To kill.  
ENGINEER: What are you doing? Host, I'm ordering you. Stop it. Stop it right now!  
(The Host removes its metal halo and throws it at the Chief Engineer, who screams.)

**[Corridor]**

(Nikko uses a speaking tube.)  
NIKKO: Deck twenty-two to the bridge. Deck twenty two to the

**[Bridge]**

NIKKO [OC]: Bridge. Is there anyone there?  
FRAME: This is the bridge.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Oh hello, sailor. Good to hear you. What's the situation up there?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: We've got air. The oxygen field is holding, but the Captain, he's dead. He did it. I watched while he took down the shields. There was nothing I could do.

**[Corridor]**

FRAME [OC]: I tried. I did try.  
NIKKO: All right. Just stay calm. Tell me your name. What's your name?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: Midshipman Frame.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Nice to meet you, sir. What's the state of the engines?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: They're er. Hold on.

**[Corridor]**

FRAME [OC]: Oh!  
NIKKO: Have you been injured?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: I'm all right.

**[Corridor]**

FRAME [OC]: Oh, my Vot.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: They're cycling down.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: That's a nuclear storm drive, yes?  
FRAME [OC]: Yeah.  
NIKKO: The moment they're gone

**[Bridge]**

NIKKO [OC]: We lose orbit.  
FRAME: The planet.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Oh, yes. If we hit the planet, the nuclear storm explodes and wipes out life on Earth. Midshipman, I need you to fire up the engine containment field and feed it back into the core.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: This is never going to work.  
NIKKO [OC]: Trust me, it'll keep the engines going until I can get

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: To the bridge.  
FOON: We're going to die.  
COPPER: Are you saying someone's done this on purpose?  
FOON: We are. We're going to die.  
BELLA: We're just on a cruise ship.  
NIKKO: Okay, okay. Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. First things first. One. We are going to climb through this ship. B. No. Two. We're going to reach the bridge. Three. Or C. We're going to save the Titanic. And, coming in a very low four, or D, or that little iv in brackets they use in footnotes, why. Right then, follow me.  
SLADE: Hang on a minute. Who put you in charge and who the hell are you anyway?  
NIKKO: I'm the man who's going to save your lives and all six billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?  
SLADE: No.  
NIKKO: In that case, allons-y!

**[Stairwell]**

(Nikko pushes open a bulkhead door with just a little debris against it.)  
NIKKO: Careful. Follow me.  
COPPER: Rather ironic, but this is very much in the spirit of Christmas. It's a festival of violence. They say that human beings only survive depending on whether they've been good or bad. It's barbaric.  
NIKKO: Actually, that's not true. Christmas is a time of, of peace and thanksgiving and what am I on about? My Christmases are always like this.  
(He finds a Host under some metal plates.)  
NIKKO: We've got a Host. Strength of ten. If we can mend it, we can use it to fix the rubble.  
MORVIN: We can do robotics. Both of us.  
FOON: We work on the milk market back on Sto. It's all robot staff.  
NIKKO: See if you can get it working. Let's have a look.  
(Nikko leads the rest of them further up.)  
BELLA: It's blocked.  
NIKKO: So what do we do?  
BELLA: We shift it.  
NIKKO: That's the attitude. Rickston, Mister Copper, and you, Bannakaffalatta. Look, can I just call you Banna? It's going to save a lot of time.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: No. Bannakaffalatta.  
NIKKO: All right then, Bannakaffalatta. There's a gap in the middle. See if you can get through.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Easy. Good.  
(The ship shakes and more debris shifts.)  
SLADE: This whole thing could come crashing down any minute.  
NIKKO: Oh, Rickston, I forgot. Did you get that message?  
SLADE: No. What message?  
NIKKO: Shut up!  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta made it.  
BELLA: I'm small enough, I can get through.  
NIKKO: Careful.  
BELLA: I'm fine.  
SLADE: Thing is, how are Mister and Mrs Fatso going to get through that gap?  
BELLA: We make the gap bigger. So start.  
(Foon has heard the comment.)  
MORVIN: Hey, hey. Come on, sweetheart. Don't listen to him.  
FOON: No, but it's all my fault, though. The tickets.  
MORVIN: We won them fair and square.  
FOON: I know. I never told you. I dialed the competition line five thousand times. That's five thousand credits. I might as well have paid for the tickets. I've been hiding the vone bill for months now.  
MORVIN: Five thousand credits? You spent five thousand credits?  
FOON: Don't hate me.  
(Morvin laughs.)  
FOON: What's so funny?  
MORVIN: Five thousand?  
FOON: We'll never pay that off.  
MORVIN: I know. I'll have to work twenty years, you mad, bloody woman.  
FOON: You're not cross?  
MORVIN: Does it matter? Look at us. You drive me barmy. I don't half love you, Mrs Van Hoff. Come here.  
SLADE: What happened? Did they find a doughnut?  
BELLA: I can clear it from this side. Just tell me if it starts moving. Bannakaffalatta, what's wrong?  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Shush.  
BELLA: What is it?  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Can't say.  
BELLA: Are you hurt?  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Ashamed.  
BELLA: Of what?  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Poor Bannakaffalatta.  
(He pulls up his shirt to reveal -)  
BELLA: You're a cyborg.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Had accident long ago. Secret.  
BELLA: No, but everything's changed now. Cyborgs are getting equal rights. They passed a law back on Sto. You can even get married.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Marry you?  
BELLA: Well, you can buy me a drink first. Come on. Let's recharge you. Just stay there for a bit.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Tell no one.  
BELLA: I promise.  
NIKKO: What's going on up there?  
BELLA: I think Bannakaffalatta and I just got engaged.

**[Bridge]**

(Frame is using the first aid kit when the comms whistles.)  
FRAME: This is the bridge.

**[Galley]**

KITCHEN HAND: This is kitchen number five.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: How many of you are there?

**[Galley]**

KITCHEN HAND: Six of us, just about. Are we the only ones left alive, sir?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: No. There's more on deck nineteen. Hold on. If I reverse the scanner. There are fifty, sixty people still alive all over the ship.

**[Galley]**

FRAME [OC]: Hold on.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: I can see you. Kitchen five, there you are. Listen, everyone's heading for the bridge. Don't go portside, there's no way.

**[Galley]**

FRAME [OC]: Can you make your way starboard?  
KITCHEN HAND: We're stuck. The doors have sealed. We can't get out. No, wait a minute. It's opening. There's someone on the other side.  
(The bulkhead door swings open.)  
KITCHEN HAND: Host. We've got Host.

**[Bridge]**

KITCHEN HAND [OC]: The Host are still working.  
FRAME: Oh, that's brilliant.

**[Galley]**

FRAME [OC]: Tell them to clear a path up to the bridge.  
(The four Host remove their halos.)

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: Did you get that? Kitchen five, report. Hello, Kitchen five?  
(Screams then the lifesign indicators go out.)  
KITCHEN HAND [OC]: It's the Ho  
FRAME: Report!

**[Stairwell]**

MORVIN: Almost done!  
NIKKO: Good, good, good. Mister Frame, how's things?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: Nikko, I've got life signs all over the ship but they're going out one by one.

**[Stairwell]**

NIKKO: What is it? Are they losing air?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: No.

**[Stairwell]**

FRAME [OC]: One of them said it's the Host. It's something to do with the Host.  
MORVIN: It's working!  
HOST: Kill.  
NIKKO: Turn it off!  
FOON: I can't!  
HOST: Kill. Kill. Kill.  
NIKKO: Go!  
(The Host has Morvin by the throat. Nikko gets out the sonic screwdriver.)  
NIKKO: Double deadlock!  
(He pulls the Host's hands off Morvin's throat.)  
NIKKO: Quickly, go upstairs!  
FOON: Run, darling, run!  
HOST: Information. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.  
MORVIN: Foon! Foon!  
NIKKO: Rickston, get them through!  
SLADE: No chance.  
(Slade gets through the gap.)  
COPPER: Rickston!  
FOON: I'll never get through there.  
COPPER: Yes, you can. Let me go first.  
(The Host swings at Nikko, but misses.)  
HOST: Kill. Kill.  
NIKKO: It's the Host, they've gone berserk.

**[Bridge]**

NIKKO: Are you safe up there?  
(Host arrive at the entrance to the bridge.)  
HOST: Kill. Kill. Kill  
(Frame gets to the door control and it slams shut, trapping a Host's hand.)

**[Stairwell]**

FOON: Now I'm stuck!  
ASTRID: Come on, you can do it!  
(The debris shifts.)  
COPPER: It's going to collapse.  
(Copper levers the debris up with a metal bar and Foon gets through.)  
COPPER: Rickston, vot damn it, help me.  
SLADE: No way.  
NIKKO: Morvin, get through!  
HOST: Kill. Kill. Kill.  
BELLA: Nikko, he's stuck!  
(Nikko pushes at Morvin's ample behind.)  
NIKKO: Mister van Hoff, I know we've only just met, but you'll have to excuse me.  
(Morvin pops through the hole.)  
BELLA: That's it. We've got you. Nikko, come on, get through.  
NIKKO: Information override! You will tell me the point of origin of your command structure!  
COPPER: I can't hold it!  
HOST: Information. Deck thirty one.  
NIKKO: Thank you.  
(He gets through the gap.)  
NIKKO: Thank you. Let go!  
(Copper lets the bar go and the debris smashes down on the Host's head.  
Up on the bridge, Frame gets the door sealed, chopping off the Host's hand. It looks at him through the window in the bulkhead.)

**[Corridor]**

(There is a trolley of sandwiches nearby.)  
FOON: Morvin, look. Food.  
SLADE: Oh great. Someone's happy.  
MORVIN: Don't have any then.

**[Bridge]**

NIKKO [OC]: Mister Frame, are you still there?  
FRAME: Yes, sir, but I've got Host outside. I've sealed the door.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: They've been programmed to kill. Why would anyone do that?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: That's not the only problem, Nikko. I had to use a maximum deadlock on the door, which means no one can get in. I'm sealed off. Even if you can fix the Titanic

**[Corridor]**

FRAME [OC]: You can't get to the bridge.  
NIKKO: Yeah, right, fine. One problem at a time. What's on deck thirty one?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: Er, that's down below. It's nothing. It's just the Host storage deck. That's where we keep the robots.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Well, what's that? Do you see that panel? Black. It's registering nothing. No power, no heat, no light.  
FRAME: I've never seen it before.  
NIKKO: One hundred percent shielded. What's down there?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: I'll try intensifying the scanner.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Let me know if you find anything. And keep those engines going.  
BELLA: Saved you some.  
NIKKO: Yeah, thanks.  
BELLA: Okay.  
COPPER: Nikko, it must be well past midnight, Earth time. Christmas Day.  
NIKKO: So it is. Merry Christmas.  
COPPER: But if the planet's waking up, can't we signal them? They could send up a rocket or something.  
NIKKO: They don't have spaceships.  
COPPER: No, I read about it. They have shuffles. Space shuffles.  
NIKKO: Mister Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where's it from?  
COPPER: Honestly?  
NIKKO: Just between us.  
COPPER: Mrs Golightly's Happy Travelling University and Dry Cleaners.  
BELLA: You, you lied to the company to get the job?  
COPPER: I wasted my life on Sto. I was a travelling salesman, always on the road, and I reached retirement with nothing to show for it. Not even a home. And Earth sounded so exotic.  
NIKKO: Hmm. I suppose it is, yeah.  
COPPER: The thing is, if we survive this, there'll be police and all sorts of investigations. Now the minimum penalty for space lane fraud is ten years in jail. I'm an old man. I won't survive ten years.  
(Bang!)  
NIKKO: A Host! Move! Come on!

**[Engine room]**

(Nikko leads them through the next bulkhead to catwalk and a narrow fallen beam forming walkway across a massive empty space in the middle of the ship.)  
SLADE: Is that the only way across?  
NIKKO: On the other hand, it is a way across.  
BELLA: The engines are open.  
NIKKO: Nuclear storm drive. As soon as it stops, the Titanic falls.  
MORVIN: But that thing, it'll never take our weight.  
SLADE: You're going last, mate.  
NIKKO: It's nitrofin metal. It's stronger than it looks.  
MORVIN: All the same, Rickston's right. Me and Foon should  
(Morvin steps forward and the metal under his foot gives way. He falls towards the engine furnace.)  
FOON: Morvin!  
SLADE: I told you. I told you!  
COPPER: Just shut up. Shut up!  
FOON: Bring him back! Can't you bring him back? Bring him back, Nikko!  
NIKKO: I can't. I'm sorry, I can't.  
FOON: You promised me.  
NIKKO: I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  
COPPER: Nikko, I rather think that those things have got our scent.  
SLADE: I'm not waiting.  
NIKKO: Careful. Take it slowly!  
(The ship shakes and Slade falls into the engine.)  
MATTHEW: I'm going first  
(He steps a bit)  
NIKKO: You're okay. A step at a time. Come on, you can do it.  
HOST [OC]: Kill. Kill. Kill.  
COPPER: They're getting nearer.  
NIKKO: Seal us in.  
COPPER: You're leaving us trapped, wouldn't you say?  
NIKKO: Never say trapped, just inconveniently circumstanced.  
COPPER: Oh.  
(Nikko sonics the bulkhead controls.)  
SLADE: I'm okay.  
FOON: Maybe he's all right. Maybe, maybe there's a gravity curve down there or something. I don't know. Maybe he's just unconscious.  
BELLA: I'm sorry, Foon. He's gone.  
(As Foon sobs in Bella's arms, Matthew makes it to the other side.)  
MATTHEW: Yes.  
NIKKO: Bannakaffalatta, you go next.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta small.  
NIKKO: Slowly!  
(The Host are hammering on the bulkhead door.)  
COPPER: They've found us.  
NIKKO: Bella, get across right now.  
BELLA: What about you?  
NIKKO: Just do it. Go on. Mister Copper, we can't wait.  
COPPER: No, but we  
NIKKO: Don't argue. Foon, you've got to get across right now.  
FOON: What for? What am I going to do without him?  
MATTHEW: Nikko? The door's locked!  
NIKKO: Just think. What would he want, eh?  
FOON: He don't want nothing. He's dead.  
MATTHEW: Nikko, I can't open the door.  
NIKKO: I can't leave her.  
SLADE: She'll get us all killed if we can't get out.  
NIKKO: Mrs van Hoff, I am coming back for you. All right?  
(Nikko follows the other three across the rickety bridge.)  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Too many people!  
NIKKO: Oi! Don't get spiky with me. Keep going.  
(Bannakaffalatta gets across the weakest bit in the middle, followed by Bella.)  
BELLA: It's going to fall.  
NIKKO: It's just settling. Keep going.  
(Then it goes quiet.)  
BELLA: They've stopped.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Gone away?  
NIKKO: Why would they give up?  
SLADE: Never mind that. Keep coming.  
NIKKO: Where have they gone? Where are the Host?  
COPPER: I'm afraid we've forgotten the traditions of Christmas. That the angels have wings!  
(Host glide down and surround them.)  
HOST: Information. Kill.  
(The Host remove their haloes.)  
NIKKO: Arm yourself, all of you.  
(Everyone on the bridge grabs a bit of pipe and uses it as a bat to send the haloes flying, but one cuts the Nikko's arm and another injures Copper's side.)  
BELLA: I can't.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta stop. Bannakaffalatta proud. Bannakaffalatta cyborg!  
(He lifts his shirt and sends out an energy pulse. It short-circuits the Host, sending them plummeting down into the engine core, except one that lands on the catwalk behind Nikko.)  
NIKKO: Electromagnetic pulse took out the robotics. Oh, Bannakaffalatta, that was brilliant!  
(Bannakaffalatta collapses.)  
BELLA: He's used all his power.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Did good?  
BELLA: You saved our lives.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta happy.  
BELLA: We can recharge you. Get you to a power point and just plug you in.  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Too late.  
BELLA: No, but you got to get me that drink, remember?  
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Pretty girl.  
(Bannakaffalatta dies. Bella starts to fasten his shirt, but Copper reaches for a component.)  
COPPER: I'm sorry. Forgive me.  
ASTRID: Leave him alone.  
COPPER: It's the EMP transmitter. He'd want us to use it. I used to sell these things. They'd always give me a bed for the night in the cyborg caravans. They're good people. But if we can recharge it, we can use it as a weapon against the rest of the Host. Bannakaffalatta might have saved us all.  
MATTHEW: Try telling him that.  
(The Host that landed behind Matthew is moving.)  
HOST: Information. Reboot.  
MATTHEW: Use the EMP!  
COPPER: It's dead. It's dead.  
BELLA: It's got to have emergency  
NIKKO: No, no, no. Hold on. Override loophole. Security protocol ten. Six six six. Er, twenty one, four, five, six, seven, eight. I don't know, forty two? Er, one!  
HOST: Information. State request.  
NIKKO: Good. Right. You've been ordered to kill the survivors, but why?  
HOST: Information. No witnesses.  
NIKKO: But this ship's going to fall on the Earth and kill everyone. The human race has nothing to do with the Titanic, so that contravenes your orders, yes?  
HOST: Information. Incorrect.  
NIKKO: But why do you want to destroy the Earth?  
HOST: Information. It is the plan.  
NIKKO: What plan?  
HOST: Information. Protocol grants you only three questions. These three questions have been used.  
NIKKO: Well, you could have warned me.  
HOST: Information. Now you will die.  
(As the Host raises its halo, it is lassoed from behind.)  
FOON: You're coming with me.  
(Foon jumps over the side, dragging the Host after her.)  
NIKKO: No!  
(Foon rejoins Morvin.)  
NIKKO: No more.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Right. Get yourself up to Reception One. Once you're there, Mister Copper, you've got staff access to the computer. Try to find a way of transmitting an SOS. Astrid, you're in charge of this. (the EMP transmitter) Once it's powered up, it'll take out a Host within fifty yards but then it needs sixty seconds to recharge. Got it? Matthew, take this. (sonic screwdriver) I've preset it. Just hold down that button, it'll open doors. Do not lose it! You got that? Now go and open the next door. Go on, go!  
MATTHEW: All right!  
(Nikko hands a first aid kit to Copper.)  
NIKKO: Mister Copper, you're going to need this. I need you fighting fit. Bella, where's the power points?  
BELLA: Under the comms.  
(They plug in the EMP transmitter.)  
NIKKO: See, when it's ready, that blue light comes on there.  
BELLA: You're talking as if you're not coming with us.  
NIKKO: There's something down on deck thirty one. I'm going to find out what it is.  
BELLA: What if you meet a Host?  
NIKKO: Well, then I'll just have some fun. Mister Frame, you still with us?

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: It's the engines, sir. Final phase. There's nothing more I can do. We've got only eight minutes left.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Don't worry, I'll get there.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: But the bridge is sealed off.

**[Corridor]**

NIKKO: Yeah, yeah, working on it. I'll get there, Mister Frame, somehow. All charged up? Mister Copper, look after her. Bella, look after him. Matthew, er, look after yourself. And I'll see you again, I promise.  
BELLA: Hold on! There's an old tradition.  
NIKKO: I have really got to go.  
(Bella grabs Nikko's lapels and pulls him in for a kiss.)  
NIKKO: Yeah, that's a, ahem, very old tradition, yeah.  
BELLA: See you later.  
NIKKO: Oh, yes!  
(Bella goes back across the bridge while the others carry on upwards.)

**[Compartment]**

(Matthew opens a door to find three Host waiting.)  
MATTHEW: Do it!  
(Astrid activates the EMP and the Host collapse. They rejoice.)

**[Galley]**

(There are four Host here. Nikko grabs a large sauté pan for a weapon.)  
NIKKO: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Security protocol one. Do you hear me? One. One! Okay, that gives me three questions. Three questions to save my life, am I right?  
HOST: Information. Correct.  
NIKKO: No, that wasn't one of them. I didn't mean it. That's not fair. Can I start again?  
HOST: Information. No.  
NIKKO: No! No, no, no, no. That wasn't a question either. Blimey. One question left. One question. So, you've been given orders to kill the survivors but survivors must therefore be passengers or staff, but not me. I'm not a passenger. I'm not staff. Go on, scan me. You must have bio-records. No such person on board. I don't exist, therefore you can't kill me. Therefore, I'm a stowaway, and stowaways should be arrested and taken to the nearest figure of authority. And I reckon the nearest figure of authority is on deck thirty one. Final question. Am I right?  
HOST: Information. Correct.  
NIKKO: Brilliant. Take me to your leader. I've always wanted to say that.

**[Reception]**

(Bella zaps the four Host in the room.)  
BELLA: Matthew, seal the doors, make the room secure. Mister Copper, keep an eye on the Host. I need to check the computer. We need that SOS.  
(The computer doesn't work. Then she sees the rack of teleport bracelets, and picks up the speaking tube.)  
BELLA: Bridge

**[Bridge]**

BELLA [OC]: This is Reception one.  
FRAME: Who's there?

**[Reception]**

BELLA: Bella Nicholls. I was with Nikko. Tell me, can you divert

**[Bridge]**

BELLA [OC]: Power to the teleport system?  
FRAME: No way. I'm using everything I got to keep the engines running.

**[Reception]**

BELLA: It's just one trip. I need to get to deck thirty one.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: And I'm telling you, no.

**[Reception]**

BELLA: Mister Frame, this is for Nikko. He's gone down there on his own, and I, I can't just leave him. He's done everything he can to save us. It's time we did something to help him.  
FRAME [OC]: Giving you power.  
(Bella puts on a bracelet.)  
BELLA: Mister Copper, I'm going to find him.  
(Copper is taking apart a Host.)  
COPPER: Good luck.

**[Deck 31]**

NIKKO: Wow. Now that is what you call a fixer upper. Come on then, Host with the most, this ultimate authority of yours. Who is it?  
(A Host opens a pair of doors.)  
NIKKO: Oh, that's clever. That's an omnistate impact chamber. Indestructible. You can survive anything in there. Sit through a supernova. Or a shipwreck. Only one person can have the power and the money to hide themselves on board like this and I should know, because  
(A large device with small wheels has come out. There is a head attached to the machinery.)  
CAPRICORN: My name is Max.  
(His gold tooth glints.)  
NIKKO: It really does that.  
CAPRICORN: Who the hell is this?  
NIKKO: I'm Nikko. Hello.  
HOST: Information. Stowaway.  
NIKKO: Well.  
CAPRICORN: Kill him.  
NIKKO: Oh, no, no, no. Wait, but you can't. Not now. Come on, Max. You've given me so much good material like, how to get ahead in business. See? Head? Head in business? No?  
CAPRICORN: Oh, ho, ho, the office joker. I like a funny man. No one's been funny with me for years.

**[Reception]**

(The computer doesn't work. Then she sees the rack of teleport bracelets, and picks up the speaking tube.)  
MATTHEW: Bridge

**[Bridge]**

MATTHEW [OC]: This is Reception one.  
FRAME: Who's there?

**[Reception]**

MATTHEW: Matthew Buchanan. I was with Nikko as well. Tell me, can you divert

**[Bridge]**

MATTHEW [OC]: Power to the teleport system?  
FRAME: No way. I'm using everything I got to keep the engines running.

**[Reception]**

MATTHEW: It's just one trip. I need to get to deck thirty one as well.

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: And I'm telling you, no.

**[Reception]**

MATTHEW: Mister Frame, this is for Nikko and Bella. They have gone down there, and I, I can't just leave them. It's time we did something to help them.  
FRAME [OC]: Giving you power.  
(Matthew puts on a bracelet.)  
MATTHEW: Mister Copper, I'm going to find him.  
(Matthew is taking apart a Host.)  
COPPER: Good luck.

**[Deck 31]  
**  
NIKKO: I can't think why.  
CAPRICORN: A hundred and seventy six years of running the company have taken their toll.  
NIKKO: Yeah but, nice wheels.  
CAPRICORN: No, a life support system, in a society that despises cyborgs. I've had to hide away for years, running the company by hologram. Host, situation report.  
HOST: Information. Titanic is still in orbit.  
CAPRICORN: Let me see. We should have crashed by now. What's gone wrong? The engines are still running! They should have stopped!  
NIKKO: When they do, the Earth gets roasted. I don't understand. What's the Earth got to do with it?  
CAPRICORN: This interview is terminated.  
(Bella and Matthew hide.)  
NIKKO: No. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can work it out. It's like a task. I'm your apprentice. Just watch me. So, business is failing and you wreck the ship so that makes things even worse. Oh, yes! No. Yes. The business isn't failing, it's failed. Past tense.  
CAPRICORN: My own board voted me out. Stabbed me in the back.  
NIKKO: If you had a back. So, you scupper the ship, wipe out any survivors just in case anyone's rumbled you and the board find their shares halved in value. Oh, but that's not enough. No. Because if a Max Capricorn ship hits the Earth, it destroys an entire planet. Outrage back home. Scandal! The business is wiped out.  
CAPRICORN: And the whole board thrown in jail for mass murder.  
NIKKO: While you sit there, safe inside the impact chamber.  
CAPRICORN: I have men waiting to retrieve me from the ruins and enough off-world accounts to retire me to the beaches of Penhaxico Two, where the ladies, so I'm told, are very fond of metal.  
NIKKO: So that's the plan. A retirement plan. Two thousand people on this ship, six billion underneath us, all of them slaughtered, and why? Because Max Capricorn is a loser.  
CAPRICORN: I never lose.  
NIKKO: You can't even sink the Titanic.  
CAPRICORN: Oh, but I can, Nikko. I can cancel the engines from here.

**[Bridge]**

(An alarm goes off.)  
COMPUTER: Engines closing.  
FRAME: No, no, no, no, no!  
COMPUTER: Engines closing. Engines closing.

**[Deck 31]**

NIKKO: You can't do this!  
CAPRICORN: Host, hold him.  
CAPRICORN: Not so clever now, Nikko. A shame we couldn't work together. You're rather good. All that banter yet not a word wasted. Time for me to retire. The Titanic is falling. The sky will burn. Let the Christmas inferno commence. Oh. Oh, Host. Kill him.  
BELLA: Mister Capricorn!  
(Astrid is in a fork lift.)  
(She drives towards Capricorn.)  
NIKKO: Bella, don't!  
(She gets the forks under Capricorn's life support and the two machines battle each other. A Host throws its halo, which glances off Bella's cab.)  
MATTHEW: He's cut the brake line!  
(In slow motion, Bella, Matthew and Nikko look at each other before she lifts Capricorn completely off the ground and powers them both forward through the guardrail, Bella jumps out and survives for Max Capricorn to fall into the engines.)  
(The Host release Nikko.)  
COMPUTER: Titanic falling. Voyage terminated. Voyage terminated.

**[Bridge]**

(Frame tries to steer the falling liner while Copper holds on for grim death. Nikko, Matthew and Bella walk through a shower of debris, and then snap their fingers. Six Hosts take their arms and fly them upwards, arms punching forward. They smash through into the bridge.)  
COMPUTER: Deadlock broken.  
NIKKO: Ah, Midshipman Frame. At last.  
FRAME: Er, but, but the Host.  
NIKKO: Controller dead, they divert to the next highest authority, and that's me.  
FRAME: There's nothing we can do. There's no power. The ship's going to fall.  
COMPUTER: Titanic falling.  
NIKKO: What's your first name?  
FRAME: Alonso.  
COMPUTER: Titanic falling.  
BELLA: You're kidding me.  
FRAME: What?  
NIKKO: That's something else I've always wanted to say. Allons-y, Alonso. Whoa!  
(NIikko spins the ship's wheel. Alarms sound as they enter the upper atmosphere, and then start to burn on entry. Once into the cloud layer, Bella turns on a scanner with her foot to see that their impact area is in west Central London. Nikko grabs the comms.)  
NIKKO: Oh. Hello, yes. Could you get me Buckingham Palace?  
NEWS 24: And as dawn rises over Great Britain, it seems that this year the city of London has escaped alien intervention. The Queen has remained in residence in defiance of extraterrestrial attack.  
NIKKO: Listen to me. Security code seven seven one. Now get out of there!

**[Buckingham Palace]**

(A woman in a fluffy pink dressing gown runs down a red carpeted corridor, accompanied by a footman carrying a Corgi.)  
FOOTMAN: Open the door!

**[Street]**

(The news seller shouts at the sky.)  
WILF: Don't you dare, you aliens! Don't you dare!

**[Bridge]**

COMPUTER: Engines active. Engines active.  
(Nikko pulls back on the wheel, trying to get her nose up.)

**[The Mall]**

(Titanic misses the Palace by inches and flies up into the sky.)  
QUEEN: Thank you. Thank you. Happy Christmas!  
(As the ship levels off, everyone starts to laugh with relief.)

**[Bridge]**

FRAME: Whoo hoo!  
NIKKO: Whoo hoo hoo!  
(The portrait of Capricorn on the wall falls down into one of the remaining small fires.)  
NIKKO: Used the heat of re-entry to fire up the secondary storm drive. Unsinkable, that's me.  
FRAME: We made it.  
DOCTOR: Not all of us.

**[Reception]**

(Later -)  
FRAME: The engines have stabilised. We're holding steady till we get help, and I've sent the SOS. A rescue ship should be here within twenty minutes. And they're digging out the records on Max Capricorn. It should be quite a story.  
COPPER: They'll want to talk to all of us, I suppose.  
FRAME: I'd have thought so, yeah.  
COPPER: I think one or two inconvenient truths might come to light. Still, it's my own fault, and ten years in jail is better than dying.  
COPPER: Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have chosen, is he? But if you could choose, if you decide who lives and who dies, that would make you a monster.  
NIKKO: Mister Copper, I think you deserve one of these.  
(Nikko, Bella, Matthew and Mister Copper put on teleport bracelets. Frame salutes just before they disappear.)

**[Hampstead Heath]**

(They walks across the grass to the Tardis. It is snowing.)  
COPPER: So, Great Britain is part of Europey, and just across the British Channel, you've got Great France and Great Germany.  
MATTHEW: No, no, it's just, it's just France and Germany. Only Britain is Great.  
COPPER: Oh, and they're all at war with the continent of Ham Erica.  
BELLA: No. There she is. Survive anything.  
COPPER: You know, between you and me, I don't even thing this snow is real. I think it's the ballast from the Titanic's salvage entering the atmosphere.  
MATTHEW: Yeah. One of these days it might snow for real.  
COPPER: So, I, I suppose you'll be off.  
NIKKO: The open sky.  
COPPER: And, what about me?  
NIKKO: I travel with these two. It's best that way.  
COPPER: What am I supposed to do?  
NIKKO: Give me that credit card.  
COPPER: It's just petty cash. Spending money. It's all done by computer. I didn't really know the currency, so I thought a million might cover it.  
BELLA: A million? Pounds?  
COPPER: That enough for trinkets?  
NIKKO: Mister Copper, a million pounds is worth fifty million credits.  
COPPER: How much?  
BELLA: Fifty million and fifty six.  
COPPER: I've got money.  
NIKKO: Yes, you have.  
COPPER: Oh, my word. Oh, my Vot! Oh, my goodness me. Yee ha!  
NIKKO: It's all yours. Planet Earth. Now, that's a retirement plan. But just you be careful, though.  
COPPER: I will, I will. Oh, I will.  
NIKKO: No interfering. I don't want any trouble. Just, just have a nice life.  
COPPER: But I can have a house. A proper house, with a garden, and a door, and. Oh, I will make you proud. And I can have a kitchen with chairs, and windows, and plates, and  
(Copper skips away.)  
BELLA: Er, where are you going?  
COPPER: Well, I've no idea.  
NIKKO: No, us neither. Merry Christmas, Mister Copper.  
(The Tardis dematerialises.)


	2. Episode 1 - Partners In Time

Grand Theft Fail: Episode 1 – Partners In Time

**[Adipose Industries]**

(Both the gang and a woman, Macy Russell, walk along different streets to the same glass fronted building. She goes into the main reception whilst he Sonics his way in through a rear fire escape.)  
RECEPTIONIST [OC]: Good morning, Adipose Industries.  
(Macy shows an ID to the guard at the lifts.)  
MACY: Macy Russell, Health and Safety.

**[Basement]**

(Nikko flashes his psychic paper at a guard he passes.)  
NIKKO: John Smith; Mickey Smith and Alex Nicholls, Health and Safety.

**[Lecture hall]**

(A woman is giving a presentation to an audience of several dozen.)  
FOSTER: Adipose Industries, the twenty first century way to lose weight. No exercise, no diet, no pain. Just lifelong freedom from fat. The Holy Grail of the modern age. And here it is. You just take one capsule. One capsule, once a day for three weeks, and the fat, as they say.  
(The film takes over.)  
NARRATOR [OC]: The fat just walks away.  
(A woman in the audience speaks.)  
PENNY: Excuse me, Miss Foster. If I could? I'm Penny Carter, science correspondent for The Observer. There are a thousand diet pills on the market, a thousand con men stealing people's money. How do we know the fat isn't going straight into your bank account?  
FOSTER: Oh, Penny, if cynicism burnt up calories, we'd all be as thin as rakes. But if you want the science, I can oblige.  
(Macy is also in the audience.)  
NARRATOR [OC]: Adipose Industries. The Adipose capsule is composed of a synthesised mobilising lipase, bound to a large protein molecule.

**[Projection room]**

(This is where the Nikko is watching the presentation.)  
COMPUTER: The mobilising lipase breaks up the triglycerides stored in the adipose cells, which then enter  
NIKKO: Health and Safety. Film department.

**[Lecture hall]**

FOSTER: One hundred percent legal, one hundred percent effective.  
PENNY: But, can I just ask, how many people have taken the pills to date?  
FOSTER: We've already got one million customers within the Greater London area alone, but from next week, we start rolling out nationwide. The future starts here. And Britain will be thin.

**[Call centre]**

(Mostly cold calling, by the sound of it.)  
PEOPLE: Good morning. I represent Adipose Industries.  
(Macy sits down next to a man in a cubicle.)  
CRAIG: That's a three-week course of pills for a special price of forty-five pounds.  
MACY: (sotto) Macy Russell, Health and Safety. Don't mind me.  
(Nikko and the gang find a young woman.)  
CLARE: We deliver within three working days.  
NIKKO: Don't mind us.  
CRAIG: The box comes with 21 days worth of pills, a full information pack, and our special free gift, an Adipose Industries pendant.  
(Macy looks at the pendant - a gold plated Adpiose pill. Nikko does the same.)  
CLARE: It's made of eighteen carat gold, and it's yours for free. No, we don't give away pens, sorry. No, I can't make an exception, no.  
MACY: I'll just need to keep this for testing. And I just need a list of your customers. Could you print it off?  
CRAIG: I suppose so.  
MACY: Where's the printer?  
CRAIG: Just over there, by the plant.  
(Macy looks of the cubicle wall.)  
MACY: Which plant, that plant?  
CRAIG: Yeah, that's the one.  
MACY: Lovely.  
(She sits down, and up pops Nikko.)  
NIKKO: That's the printer there?  
CLARE: By the plant, yeah.  
NIKKO: Brilliant.  
(Down he goes and up comes Macy.)  
MACY: Does it need a code? Last place I worked, the printer needed a code.  
CRAIG: No, I can do it from here.  
(They swap over.)  
NIKKO: Has it got paper?  
CLARE: Yeah, Jimbo keeps it stocked.  
(Miss Foster walks in with two guards.)  
FOSTER: Excuse me, everyone, if I could have your attention.  
(The workers stand.)  
FOSTER: On average, you're each selling forty Adipose packs per day. It's not enough. I want one hundred sales per person per day. And if not, you'll be replaced. Because if anyone's good in trimming the fat, it's me. Now. Back to it.  
(Miss Foster leaves and the workers sit down again.)  
NIKKO: Anyway, if you could print that off. Thanks.  
MACY: So if you could just print off that list, I'll get out of your way. Lovely. Thanks, then. See you.  
(Macy heads for the printer. Nikko stands then sits again as Clare gives him a piece of paper.)  
NIKKO: Thanks, then. Oh, what's that?  
CLARE: My telephone number.  
NIKKO: What for?  
CLARE: Health and Safety. You be health, I'll be safety.  
NIKKO: Ah. Ah. But that contravenes er, paragraph five, subsection C. Sorry.  
(Macy collects the printouts and leaves. Nikko and the gang walk behind her to the printer and looks for his copies, then returns to Clare.)  
MACY: Me again.

**[Stacy's home]**

MACY: Stacy Campbell?  
STACY: Who wants to know?  
MACY: My name's Macy. I represent Adipose Industries, and you're on the list of our valued customers.

**[Roger's home]**

NIKKO: Mister Roger Davey? We're calling on behalf of Adipose Industries. Just need to ask you a few questions.

**[Stacy's home]**

STACY: It's been fantastic. I've started the pills on Thursday. Five days later, I've lost eleven pounds.  
MACY: And no side effects or anything?  
STACY: No, I feel fantastic. It's a new lease of life. Now, what do you think about these earrings. Do they work?  
MACY: Yeah, lovely.

**[Roger's home]**

ROGER: I've been on the pills for two weeks now. I've lost fourteen kilos.  
NIKKO: That's the same amount every day?  
ROGER: One kilo exactly. You wake up, and it's disappeared overnight. Well, technically speaking, it's gone by ten past one in the morning.  
BELLA: What makes you say that?  
ROGER: That's when I get woken up. Might as well weigh myself at the same time.

**[Stacy's home]**

MACY: You going on a date?  
STACY: I'm doing the opposite. I'm dumping him. I can do better than him now. Right, I won't be long. If the taxi beeps, give me a shout.

**[Roger's home]**

ROGER: It is driving me mad. Ten minutes past one, every night, bang on the dot without fail, the burglar alarm goes off. I've had experts in, I've had it replaced, I've even phoned Watchdog. But no, ten past one in the morning, off it goes.  
NIKKO: But with no burglars?  
ROGER: Nothing. I've given up looking.  
MATTHEW: Tell me, Roger. Have you got a cat flap?  
(That's a yes.)  
ROGER: It was here when I bought the house. I've never bothered with it, really. I'm not a cat person. It's that what it is, though? Cats getting inside the house?  
BELLA: Well, thing about cat flaps is, they don't just let things in, they let things out as well.  
ROGER: Like what?  
NIKKO: The fat just walks away.

**[Stacy's home]**

(Stacy is in the bathroom.)  
STACY: Won't be long!  
MACY: Oh, that's all right.  
(Macy takes the Adipose pendant out and examines it, then she twists it absentmindedly and Stacy's stomach growls. As Macy twiddles with the gold capsule, Stacey's abdomen moves around.)

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(An alarm goes off, and her computer screen shows the location. Miss Foster uses her wrist-watch communicator.)  
FOSTER: We have unscheduled parthenogenesis.

**[Roger's home]**

NIKKO: Well, thanks for your help. Tell you what, maybe you could lay off the pills for a week or so.  
(Nikko's three lobed gizmo beeps.)  
BELLA: Oh. Got to go. Sorry.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

FOSTER: Send out the collection squad. Bring them home.  
(A black van with sirens and lights speeds out of the Adipose Industries car park.)

**[Stacy's home]**

(A jelly-baby shaped creature breaks off from Stacy's abdomen and jumps into the bathroom sink.)  
MACY: You all right up there?  
STACY: Yeah.  
(The little creature looks up at her.)

**[Miss Foster's office]**

FOSTER: The Adipose has been witnessed. Activating full parthenogenesis.  
(Miss Foster twiddles her own pendant.)

**[Stacy's bathroom]**

(Another creature pops out of Stacy's body, then gurgles and waves at her.)  
STACY: What are you? What are you?

**[Stacy's home]**

(Macy is at the foot of the stairs.)  
MACY: I like what you've done with the hall. Stacy? Are you all right? I wouldn't mind a little visit myself. Everything all right in there?  
(She knocks on the bathroom door.)  
MACY: It's only me. Do you mind if I pop to the loo? Stacy?  
(Lots of lumps are moving around below Stacy's clothes.)  
STACY: Oh, help me. Oh my God, help me!  
MACY: What is it, what's wrong?  
(Stacy has bolted the door on the inside.)  
MACY: Stacy!  
(Stacy screams then her clothes fall to the floor, and lots of little creatures run out. When Macy burst in, she sees the last one on the windowsill. It waves at her and jumps.)

**[Street]**

(Nikko, Bella and Matthew are following the signal on their gizmo. Nikko has to hit it a few times. The van arrives outside Stacy's home as Macy leaves by the back door and goes down the alleyway. The trail of knocked over dustbins tells her which way the creatures have gone. The men from the van have used butterfly nets to collect the creatures, put them into containers and then the back of the van. They drive away past Macy, and nearly knock down the gang. He starts chasing it. A taxi pulls up by Macy.)  
DRIVER: Stacy Campbell?  
MACY: No, she's gone.  
DRIVER: Gone where?  
MACY: She's just gone.  
DRIVER: Oh, great. Thanks for nothing.  
(He puts his For Hire sign back on and drives off. In the alleyway, mere yards from Macy, the gang loses the signal on their gizmo.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(Miss Foster is examining security footage on her computer screen.)  
FOSTER: It seems we have a case of industrial espionage. One touch and the capsule bio-tunes itself to it's owner, but someone must have introduced a second raw capsule. Therefore, one of these people is a thief. There, oh yes, there she is. Now, what shall we do with her?

**[Call centre]**

(Macy parks in an alleyway near Adipose Industries, and leaves. Then the Tardis materialises nearby. They both enter the building as they did before.)  
MACY: Morning.  
(The gang go into a storage room and sonics the door locked. Macy settles herself in a cubicle in the ladies.)  
FOSTER: Keep an eye out. She'll come back and then she's mine.  
(The clock moves on from 9:30 to 6:10. The call staff is leaving and the lights are being turned out.)  
CLARE: See you tomorrow.  
(The gang come out of their hiding place. Macy does the same, then goes back in.)

**[Ladies toilets]**

(Miss Foster enters with armed guards.)  
FOSTER: We know you're in here, so why don't you make this nice and easy and show yourself? I'm waiting. I warn you, I'm not a patient woman. Now, out you come. Right. We'll do it the hard way. Get her.  
(The guards kick open the cubicle doors. The fifth one contains Penny the reporter.)  
FOSTER: There you are.  
PENNY: I've been through the records, Foster, and all of your results have been faked. There's something about those pills you're not telling us.  
FOSTER: Oh, I think I'll be conducting this interview, Penny.  
(They leave.)

**[Call centre]**

PENNY: You've got no right to do this. Let me go!

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(The gang lowers the cradle to Miss Foster's window. He ducks out of sight when they enter.)  
PENNY: This is ridiculous.  
FOSTER: Sit there.  
PENNY: I'm phoning my editor.  
FOSTER: I said sit.

**[Outside the window]**

PENNY [OC]: You can't tie me up.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

PENNY: What sort of a country do you think this is?  
FOSTER: Oh, it's a beautifully fat country. And believe me, I've travelled a long way to find obesity on this scale.  
PENNY: So, come on then, Miss Foster, those pills. What are they?  
(Donna has arrived at the secretary's station outside the office.)  
FOSTER: Well, you might just as well have a scoop, since you'll never see it printed. This (a capsule) is the spark of life.  
PENNY: And what's that supposed to mean?  
FOSTER: Officially, the capsule attracts all the fat cells and flushes them away. Well, it certainly attracts them. That part's true. But it binds the fat together and galvanises it to form a body.  
PENNY: What do you mean, a body?  
FOSTER: I am surprised you never asked about my name. I chose it well. Foster. As in foster mother. And these are my children.  
(She takes a little creature out of a drawer and puts it on the desk.)  
PENNY: You're kidding me. What the hell is that?  
(Macy and the gang both look through the windows.)  
FOSTER: Adipose. It's called an Adipose. Made out of living fat.  
PENNY: But I don't understand.  
FOSTER: From ordinary human people.  
(The Gang and Macy see each other. Their conversation is totally silent.)  
BELLA: Macy?  
MACY: Bella? Bella!  
NIKKO: But what? What? What?  
MACY: Oh my god! Nikko!  
NIKKO: But how?  
MACY: It's me!  
NIKKO/BELLA: Yes, we can see that.  
MACY: Oh, this is brilliant.  
NIKKO, BELLA/MATTHEW: What the hell are you doing there?  
MACY: I was looking for you three.  
ALL: What for?  
MACY: I read it on the Internet. Weird. Crept along. Heard them talking. Hid. You.  
(Then she realises that Miss Foster is staring at her and the gang.)  
FOSTER: Are we interrupting you?  
BELLA: Run!  
FOSTER: Get her.  
(Nikko zaps the office door with his sonic screwdriver.)  
FOSTER: And them.  
PENNY: What about me?

**[Stairwell]**

(The gang and Macy meet on the stairs and embrace.)  
MACY: Oh, my God. I don't believe it. You're alive!  
NIKKO: Yeah, thanks, Bella. Not right now.  
(The guards are a few floors below.)  
BELLA: Just like old times!

**[Roof]**

MACY: Because I thought, how do you find Bella and Nikko? And then I just thought, look for trouble and then they'll turn up.  
DONNA: So I looked everywhere. You name it. UFOs, sightings, crop circles, sea monsters. I looked, I found them all. Like that stuff about the bees disappearing, I thought, I bet they're connected. Well, apart from that replica of the Titanic flying over Buckingham Palace on Christmas Day. I mean, that's got to be a hoax.  
NIKKO: What do you mean, the bees are disappearing?  
MACY: I don't know. That's what it says on the Internet. Well, on the same site, there was all these conspiracy theories about Adipose Industries and I thought, let's take a look.  
(The Doctor sonics the cradle controls.)  
NIKKO: In you get!  
MACY: What, in that thing?  
NIKKO: Yes, in that thing.  
MACY: But if we go down in that, they'll just call us back up again.  
NIKKO: No, no, no, because I've locked the controls with a sonic cage. I'm the only one that can control it. Not unless she's got a sonic device of her own, which is very unlikely.

**[Plant room]**

FOSTER: Out of my way.  
(Miss Foster sonics open the door to the roof.)

**[Roof]**

(She looks down on the cradle.)  
FOSTER: Oh. Oh, I don't think so.  
(She sonics the controls. There are sparks and the cradle drops suddenly.)

**[Window cleaning cradle]**

(Nikko manages to make the cradle stop.)  
NIKKO: Hold on. Hold on. We can get in through the window.  
(He tries to sonically cut through the glass.)

**[Roof]**

FOSTER: Deadlock the building.

**[Window cleaning cradle]**

NIKKO: Can't get it open!  
BELLA: Well, smash it then!  
(She finds a spanner and starts hitting the glass, which is designed nowadays to withstand a nearby bomb. Miss Foster aims her sonic pen at one of the steel cables. It starts to burn.)  
MACY: She's cutting the cable.  
(The cable snaps, tipping Macy out. The other three manage to hang on.)  
BELLA: Macy!  
(Macy is dangling from the end of the cable.)  
MACY: Bella!  
BELLA: Hold on!  
MACY: I am!

**[Roof]**

FOSTER: And now, for the other one.  
(Miss Foster goes to the other side of the cradle mechanism and starts to sonic the remaining cable. Nikko takes aim and blasts her pen out of her hand. It hurts.)  
FOSTER: Ow!

**[Window cleaning cradle]**

(Nikko catches the falling pen, puts it between his teeth and climbs to another window.)  
MACY: I'm going to fall!

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(Macy's legs are visible through the window.)  
PENNY: What the hell is going on?

**[Window cleaning cradle]**

MACY: This is your entire fault. I should've stayed at home.  
(The Doctor slides up the window.)  
NIKKO: I won't be a minute!  
(He climbs inside.)

**[Roof]**

FOSTER: Yes, he's slippery, that one. Time we found out who he is.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(Nikko, Matthew and Bella runs downstairs to the office and goes to the window.)  
PENNY: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on?  
NIKKO: What are you, a journalist?  
PENNY: Yes.  
BELLA: Well, make it up.  
(She unlocks the window and grabs Macy's legs.)  
MACY: Get off!  
BELLA: I've got you. I've got you. Stop kicking!  
(Miss Foster and the guards head downstairs. Bella pulls Macy inside.)  
MACY: I was right. It's always like this with you, innit?  
NIKKO: Oh, yes! And off we go.  
PENNY: Oi!  
NIKKO: Sorry!  
(Nikko zaps Penny free from the door.)  
NIKKO: Now do yourself a favour. Get out.

**[Call centre]**

(The gang and Macy meet Miss Foster and her guards.)  
FOSTER: Well, then. At last.  
MACY: Hello.  
NIKKO: Nice to meet you, I'm Nikko, on the left is Bella and the right is Matthew  
MACY: And I'm Donna.  
FOSTER: The team in crime. And evidently off-worlders, judging by your sonic technology.  
NIKKO: Oh, yes, I've still got your sonic pen. Nice. I like it. Sleek. It's kind of sleek.  
BELLA: Oh, it's definitely sleek.  
NIKKO: Yeah, and if you were to sign your real name, that would be?  
FOSTER: Matron Cofelia of the Five Straighten Classabindi Nursery Fleet. Intergalactic Class.  
NIKKO: A wet nurse, using humans as surrogates.  
FOSTER: I've been employed by the Adiposian First Family to foster a new generation after their breeding planet was lost.  
NIKKO: What do you mean lost? How do you lose a planet?  
FOSTER: Oh, politics are none of my concern. I'm just here to take care of the children on behalf of the parents.  
MACY: What, like an outer space super nanny?  
FOSTER: Yes, if you like.  
MACY: So. So those little things, they're, they're made out of fat, yeah, but that woman, Stacy Campbell, there was nothing left of her.  
FOSTER: Oh, in a crisis the Adipose can convert bone and hair and internal organs. Makes them a little bit sick, poor things.  
MACY: What about poor Stacy?  
BELLA: Seeding a level five planet is against galactic law.  
FOSTER: Are you threatening me?  
NIKKO: We're trying to help you, Matron. This is your one chance, because if you don't call this off, then I'll have to stop you.  
FOSTER: I hardly think you can stop bullets.  
(The guards take aim.)  
NIKKO: No, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. One more thing, before dying. Do you know what happens if you hold two identical sonic devices against each other?  
FOSTER: No.  
NIKKO: Nor me. Let's find out.  
(They create an awful noise, that's what. Everyone except Nikko grabs his or her heads in pain, and glass shatters nearby. Macy pushes his arm to stop him.)  
MACY: Come on!  
FOSTER: I'm advancing the birth plan. We're going into premature labour.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(Penny is collecting files for evidence.)  
PENNY: Cellular ossification.  
FOSTER: Tie her up.  
PENNY: Oh, you're kidding me.

**[Storage cupboard]**

(The Gang and Macy run to their hiding place. He throws out the ladder and mops.)  
MACY: Well, that's one solution. Hide in a cupboard. I like it.  
(There is a big green machine behind the sliding back wall.)  
NIKKO: I've been hacking into this thing all day, because the matron's got a computer core running through the centre of the building. Triple deadlocked. But now I've got this, (her sonic pen) I can get into it.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(Miss Foster opens her equivalent wall panel.)  
PENNY: What does that thing do?  
FOSTER: It's the inducer. We had planned to seed millions.

**[Storage cupboard]**

NIKKO: She's wired up the whole building. We need a bit of privacy.  
(He holds to wires together and a forcefield stops the guards in their tracks.)  
NIKKO: Just enough to stop them. Why's she wired up the tower block? What's it all for?

**[Miss Foster's office]**

COMPUTER: Inducer online.

**[Storage cupboard]**

MACY: You look older.  
NIKKO: Thanks.  
COMPUTER: Inducer activated.  
MACY: What's it doing now?  
NIKKO: She's started the programme.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

COMPUTER: Inducer transmitting.  
FOSTER: Mark the date, Miss Carter. Happy birthday. One million birthdays.

**[Miss Foster's office]**

FOSTER: Come to me, children. Come to me.

**[Street]**

POLICEWOMAN: All right, everyone get back. Don't touch them. Keep away from the road.

**[Storage cupboard]**

NIKKO: So far they're just losing weight, but the Matron's gone up to emergency pathogenesis.  
MACY: And that's when they convert  
BELLA: Skeletons, organs, everything. A million people are going to die. Got to cancel the signal.  
(He dismantles the pendant.)  
NIKKO: This contains a primary signal. If I can switch it off, the fat goes back to being just fat.  
(He attaches part of the pendant to the inducer.)

**[Miss Foster's office]**

FOSTER: A nice try. Double strength.

**[Storage cupboard]**

COMPUTER: Inducer increasing.  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no, no. She's doubled it. I need. Haven't got time. It's too far. I can't override it. They're all gonna die!  
MACY: Is there anything I can do?  
NIKKO: Sorry, Macy, this is way beyond you. Got to double the base pulse, I can't.  
MACY: Nikko, tell me. What do you need?  
NIKKO: I need a second capsule to boost the override, but I've only got the one. I can't save them  
(Macy holds up her pendant. He pulls it apart and plugs it in. The inducer shuts down.)

**[Miss Foster's office]**

(Miss Foster fiddles with the crankshaft of the inducer.)  
PENNY: What's happened?  
FOSTER: I think Nikko happened. But we've still given birth to ten thousand Adipose. And the nursery is coming.

**[Storage cupboard]**

(There is a loud noise in the sky.)  
MACY: What the hell was that?

**[Miss Foster's office]**

FOSTER: It's my lift home.  
PENNY: You can't just leave me here!

**[Storage cupboard]**

(The spaceship stops over Adipose Industries, and the babies wave at it.)  
MACY: Fine. When you say nursery you don't mean a crèche in Notting Hill.  
NIKKO: Nursery ship.  
(The computer lights up again.)  
COMPUTER: Incoming signal.  
VOICE [OC]: (alien)  
MACY: Hadn't we better go and stop them?  
DOCTOR: Hang on. Instructions from the Adiposian First Family.

**[Outside Adipose Industries]**

FOSTER: Children. Oh, my children, behold. I am taking you home.  
(The Adipose cheer.)  
FOSTER: Far across the galaxy, your new mummies and daddies are waiting. And you will fly.  
(Blue beams come down from the spaceship.)  
FOSTER: Up you go, babies. Up you go!  
(The Adipose walk into the beams and float upwards.)  
FOSTER: That's it. Fly away home.

**[Storage cupboard]**

MACY: She's wired up the tower block to convert it into a levitation post. Ooo. Oh. We're not the ones in trouble now. She is!

**[Outside Adipose Industries]**

FOSTER: Take me. The children need me.

**[Roof]**

MACY: What you going to do then? Blow them up?  
NIKKO: They're just children. They can't help where they come from.  
MACY: I'm waving at fat.  
NIKKO: Actually, as a diet plan, it sort of works. There she is!  
(Miss Foster is floating upwards, too, below the little Adipose. She stops at roof level.)  
NIKKO: Matron Cofelia, listen to me.  
FOSTER: Oh, I don't think so. And if I never see you again, it'll be too soon.  
NIKKO: Oh, why does no one ever listen. I'm trying to help. Just get across to the roof. Can you shift the levitation beam?  
FOSTER: What, so that you can arrest me?  
NIKKO: Just listen. I saw the Adiposian instructions. They know it's a crime, breeding on Earth. So what's the one thing they want to get rid of? Their accomplice.  
FOSTER: I'm far more than that. I'm nanny to all these children.  
NIKKO: Exactly! Mum and Dad have got the kids now. They don't need the nanny anymore.  
(The levitation beam switches off. Miss Foster does a Wile E Coyote double take in mid-air, then falls with a scream and a splat. The spaceship flies away.)

**[Alleyway]**

MACY: That's my car! That is like destiny. And I've been ready for this.  
(They almost hug.)  
MACY: And that's your spaceship?  
NIKKO: It's called the Tardis. Time and Relative Dimension in Space.  
MACY: Your spaceship's made of wood. There's not much room. We'd be a bit intimate.  
DOCTOR: Take a look.

**[Tardis]**

MACY: No, no, no.

**[Alleyway]**

MACY: But it's just a box. But it's huge.

**[Tardis]**

MACY: How does it do that? It's wood. It's like a box with that room just rammed in. It's bigger on the inside.  
BELLA: Off we go, then.  
NIKKO: So, whole wide universe, where do you want to go?  
MACY: You choose sir!


	3. Episode 2 - Fires In August 23 79AD

Grand Theft Fail: Episode 2 – Fires In 79AD

**[Street]**

(The Tardis has parked herself in a small curtained-off alcove. The gang step out into the sunshine. The streets are lined with vendors of various goods.)  
NIKKO: Ancient Rome. Well, not for them, obviously. To all intents and purposes, right now, this is brand new Rome.  
MACY: Oh, my God. it's, it's so Roman. This is fantastic.  
NIKKO: Ha, ha.  
MACY: I'm here, in Rome. Macy Russell in Rome. This is just weird. I mean, everyone here's dead.  
NIKKO: Well, don't tell them that.  
MACY: Hold on a minute. That sign over there's in English.  
(Painted on the side of a barrow is two amphorae for the price of one.)  
MACY: Are you having me on? Are we in Epcot?  
BELLA: No, no, no, no. That's the Tardis translation circuits. Just makes it look like English. Speech as well. You're talking Latin right now.  
MACY: Seriously?  
NIKKO: Mmm.  
MACY: I just said seriously in Latin.  
NIKKO: Oh, yeah.  
MACY: What if I said something in actual Latin, like veni, vidi, vici? My dad said that when he came back from football. If I said veni, vidi, vici to that lot, what would it sound like?  
NIKKO: I'm not sure. You have to think of difficult questions, don't you?  
MACY: I'm going to try it.  
(Macy goes to a fruit seller.)  
STALLHOLDER: Afternoon, sweetheart. What can I get you, my love?  
MACY: Er, veni, vidi, vici.  
STALLHOLDER: Huh? Sorry? Me no speak Celtic. No can do, missy.  
MACY: Yeah.  
(She walks away.)  
MACY: How's he mean, Celtic?  
BELLA: Welsh. You sound Welsh. There we are. Learnt something.  
(A young woman with a white painted face and wearing a red cloak watches them leave.)  
MACY: Don't our clothes look a bit odd?  
NIKKO: Nah. Ancient Rome, anything goes. It's like Soho, but bigger.  
MACY: You've been here before then?  
NIKKO: Mmm. Ages ago. Before you ask, that fire had nothing to do with me. Well, a little bit. But I haven't got the chance to look around properly. Coliseum, Pantheon, Circus Maximus. You'd expect them to be looming by now. Where is everything? Try this way.  
(The young woman follows them through the streets until they come out into a piazza.)  
MACY: Not an expert, but there's seven hills of Rome, aren't there? How come they've only got one?  
(One big, bare-headed mountain. Then the ground shakes.)  
MAN: Here we go again.  
(The vendors hang onto their stalls as pottery falls and breaks.)  
MACY: Wait a minute. One mountain, with smoke. Which makes this  
NIKKO: Pompeii. We're in Pompeii. And it's volcano day.

**[Temple]**

(The young woman runs inside, and joins a group of other young woman all dressed and painted in the same fashion. She prostrates herself before the altar.)  
SOOTHSAYER: I beg audience with the High Priestess of the Sibylline.  
(Yes, it is Karen Gillan.)  
SPURRINA: The High Priestess cannot be seen. What would you tell her, sister?  
SOOTHSAYER: It has come, as foretold in the prophecy. The box. The blue box.

**[Street]**

(The gang run back to the Tardis, but -)  
MACY: You're kidding. You're not telling me the Tardis has gone.  
NIKKO: Okay.  
MACY: Where is it then?  
NIKKO: You told me not to tell you.  
MACY: Oi. Don't get clever in Latin.  
NIKKO: Hold on.  
(He goes to the fruit seller.)  
NIKKO: Excuse me. Excuse me. There was a box. Big blue box. Big blue wooden box, just over there. Where's it gone?  
STALLHOLDER: Sold it, didn't I?  
NIKKO: But it wasn't yours to sell.  
STALLHOLDER: It was on my patch, weren't it? I got fifteen sesterces for it. Lovely jubbly.  
NIKKO: Who'd you sell it to?  
STALLHOLDER: Old Caecilius. Look, if you want to argue, why don't you take it out with him? He's on Foss Street. Big villa. Can't miss it.  
NIKKO: Thanks.  
(Nikko leaves and returns.)  
NIKKO: What'd he buy a big blue wooden box for?

**[Villa]**

(Lucius Caecilius Iucundus is nouveau riche.)  
CAECILIUS: Modern art. Out of the way, that's it. Oh, Rombus, I'm a little bit peckish. Get me some ants in honey, there's a good lad. Ooo, maybe a dormouse?  
(The elderly slave leaves.)  
CAECILIUS: What do you think?  
(The lady in the blue robe is not impressed.)  
METELLA: You call it modern art, I call it a blooming great waste of space.  
CAECILIUS: We're going up in the world, my love. Lucius Dextrus himself is coming to the house this afternoon. What with that and with our Evelina about to be elevated.  
(The young lady of the house, Caecilia Evelina, enters.)  
EVELINA: Oh, don't go on about it, Dad.  
METELLA: If we'd moved to Rome like I said she could've been a Vestal virgin.  
(Enter the son and heir, Quintus Caecilius Iucundus.)  
QUINTUS: Someone mention Vestal Virgins?  
METELLA: Quintus, don't be so rude. You apologise to the Household Gods.  
QUINTUS: Get off.  
METELLA: Apologise right now. The Gods are always watching.  
(There is a ground tremor.)  
CAECILIUS: Positions!  
(Everyone runs to grab a precious artefact before it falls.)  
METELLA: There, now you've made the heavens angry. Just say sorry. I tell you, Caecilius, that boy will do no good.  
(Quintus goes to the shrine and sprinkles water on the carved plaque.)  
QUINTUS: Sorry, Household Gods.  
CAECILIUS: So where were you last night? Down the thelopolium, I bet, cavorting with Etruscans and Christians and all sorts. How's your head, sunshine? How's your head!  
QUINTUS: All right, Dad. Give us a break.  
METELLA: You want to smarten yourself up, Quintus, before Lucius Dextrus gets here. Look at your sister. She's giving us status.  
QUINTUS: Oh yeah, because it's all about Evelina.  
METELLA: She has the gift.  
(An eye tattooed on the back of her left hand.)  
METELLA: Be proud of your sister for once. Have you been consuming?  
EVELINA: Not this morning.  
METELLA: Come on sweetheart, practise. It's hot today. The hypocaust is on full blast.  
(The women sit by a raised grill.)  
METELLA: The mountain God must be happy. Breathe deeply. Remember what the sisterhood said.  
EVELINA: Oh, it hurts.  
METELLA: Oh, my love, is it too hot?  
EVELINA: Sometimes in the smoke I see the most terrible things.  
METELLA: Like what?  
EVELINA: A face. A face of stone.  
METELLA: It'll make sense one day. Sister Spurrina promised. The veil will be parted and you'll be a seer.  
(Evelina inhales the fumes, and sees a creature of rock with eyes and mouth of fire.)  
EVELINA: Who are you?

**[Street]**

(Nikko runs into the other three.)  
NIKKO: Ha. I've got it. Foss Street's this way.  
MACY: No. Well, I found this big sort of amphitheatre thing. We can start there. We can gather everyone together. Maybe they've got a great big bell or something we could ring. Have they invented bells yet?  
NIKKO: What do you want a bell for?  
MACY: To warn everyone. Start the evacuation. What time does Vesuvius erupt? When's it due?  
BELLA: It's 79AD, twenty third of August, which makes volcano day tomorrow.  
MACY: Plenty of time. We could get everyone out easy.  
NIKKO: Yeah, except we're not going to.  
MACY: But that's what you do. You're the Grand Theft Gang. You save people.  
NIKKO: Not this time. Pompeii is a fixed point in history. What happens, happens. There is no stopping it.  
MACY: Says who?  
NIKKO: Says me. You stand in the market place announcing the end of the world, they'll just think you're a mad old soothsayer. Now, come on. Tardis. We are getting out of here.  
MACY: Well, I might just have something to say about that, Spaceman.  
NIKKO: Oh, I bet you will.  
(After they leave, the Soothsayer steps out and covers her face with her palms, tattooed eyes over her own.)  
SOOTHSAYER: The tall one, he calls us mad.

**[Temple]**

(Spurrina has also covered her eyes.)  
SPURRINA: Then he is a stranger to Pompeii. Soon he will learn.  
THALINA: We have found it, Sister Spurrina, in the thirteenth book of the Sibylline Oracles. The blue box. A temple made of wood. And yet the Sybil foretold that the box would appear at the time of storms, and fire, and betrayal.  
HIGH PRIESTESS [OC]: Sisters.  
(They go to a curtained area behind the altar.)  
SPURRINA: Reverend Mother, you should sleep.  
HIGH PRIESTESS [OC]: The Sibylline Oracles are wrong.  
SPURRINA: But we have venerated her words for generations.  
HIGH PRIESTESS [OC]: This is a new age. Heed my words. I predict a future of prosperity and might. An endless empire of Pompeii, reaching out from this city to topple Rome itself and encompass the whole, wide world. If the Disciples of the Blue Box defy this prophecy, their blood will run across the temple floor.  
(The ground shakes.)  
SPURRINA: The gods approve.

**[Villa]**

CAECILIUS: Positions!  
(Nikko catches the marble bust first.)  
NIKKO: Whoa! There you go.  
CAECILIUS: Thank you, kind sir. I'm afraid business is closed for the day. I'm expecting a visitor.  
NIKKO: But that's me, I'm a visitor. Hello.  
CAECILIUS: Who are you?  
NIKKO: I am Spartacus.  
BELLA: And so am I.  
CAECILIUS: Mister and Mrs Spartacus.  
NIKKO: I'm married.  
CAECILIUS: I'm sorry, but I'm not open for trade.  
NIKKO: And that trade would be?  
CAECILIUS: Marble. Lopus Caecilius. Mining, polishing and design thereof. If you want marble, I'm your man.  
NIKKO: That's good. That's good, because I'm the marble inspector.  
(Nikko flashes his psychic paper.)  
METELLA: By the gods of commerce, an inspection. I'm sorry, sir. I do apologise for my son.  
(Metella pours away Quintus' goblet of wine.)  
QUINTUS: Oi.  
CAECILIUS: And this is my good wife, Metella. I must confess, we're not prepared for a  
NIKKO: Nothing to worry about. I'm, I'm sure you've nothing to hide. Although, frankly, that object looks rather like wood to me.  
METELLA: I told you to get rid of it.  
CAECILIUS: I only bought it today.  
NIKKO: Ah, well. Caveat emptor.  
CAECILIUS: Oh, you're Celtic. There's lovely.  
NIKKO: I'm sure it's fine, but I might have to take it off your hands for a proper inspection.  
MACY: Although while we're here, wouldn't you recommend a holiday, Spartacus?  
NIKKO: Don't know what you mean, Spartacus.  
MACY: Oh, this lovely family. Mother and father and son. Don't you think they should get out of town?  
CAECILIUS: Why should we do that?  
MACY: Well, the volcano, for starters.  
CAECILIUS: What?  
MACY: Volcano.  
CAECILIUS: What ano?  
MACY: That great big volcano right on your doorstep.  
NIKKO: Oh, Spartacus, for shame. We haven't even greeted the household gods yet.  
(He takes her aside to explain.)  
NIKKO: They don't know what it is. Vesuvius is just a mountain to them. The top hasn't blown off yet. The Romans haven't even got a word for volcano. Not until tomorrow.  
MACY: Oh, great, they can learn a new word as they die.  
NIKKO: Macy, stop it.  
MACY: Listen, I don't know what sort of kids you've been flying round with in outer space, but you're not telling me to shut up. That boy, how old is he, sixteen? And tomorrow he burns to death.  
NIKKO: And that's my fault?  
MACY: Right now, yes.  
ROMBUS: Announcing Lucius Petrus Dextrus, Chief Augur of the City Government.  
(A middle-aged man wearing a cloak over the right half of his body enters.)  
CAECILIUS: Lucius. My pleasure, as always.  
METELLA: Quintus, stand up.  
CAECILIUS: A rare and great honour, sir, for you to come to my house.  
(Caecilius holds out his hand, but Lucius does not take it.)  
LUCIUS: The birds are flying north, and the wind is in the west.  
CAECILIUS: Quite. Absolutely. That's good, is it?  
LUCIUS: Only the grain of wheat knows where it will grow.  
CAECILIUS: There now, Metella. Have you ever heard such wisdom?  
METELLA: Never. It's an honour.  
CAECILIUS: Pardon me, sir. I have guests. This is Spartacus and, er, Spartacus.  
LUCIUS: A name is but a cloud upon a summer wind.  
NIKKO: But the wind is felt most keenly in the dark.  
LUCIUS: Ah. But what is the dark, other than an omen of the sun?  
NIKKO: I concede that every sun must set.  
LUCIUS: Ha.  
NIKKO: And yet the son of the father must also rise.  
LUCIUS: Damn. Very clever, sir. Evidently, a man of learning.  
NIKKO: Oh, yes. But don't mind me. Don't want to disturb the status quo.  
CAECILIUS: He's Celtic.  
NIKKO: We'll be off in a minute.  
MACY: I'm not going.  
CAECILIUS: It's ready, sir.  
NIKKO: You've got to.  
MACY: Well, I'm not.  
CAECILIUS: The moment of revelation. And here it is.  
(As the Nikko takes Macy to the Tardis, he looks back to see a stone tile carved as a circuit board has just been unveiled.)  
CAECILIUS: Exactly as you specified. It pleases you, sir?  
LUCIUS: As the rain pleases the soil.  
NIKKO: Oh, now that's different. Who designed that, then?  
CAECILIUS: My Lord Lucius was very specific.  
NIKKO: Where'd you get the pattern?  
LUCIUS: On the rain and mist and wind.  
MACY: But that looks like a circuit.  
NIKKO: Made of stone.  
MACY: Do you mean you just dreamt that thing up?  
LUCIUS: That is my job, as City Augur.  
MACY: What's that, then, like the mayor?  
NIKKO: Oh, ha. You must excuse my friend, she's from Barcelona. (sotto) No, but this is an age of superstition. Of official superstition. The Augur is paid by the city to tell the future. The wind will blow from the west? That's the equivalent of ten o'clock news.  
(Nikko leaves into the Villa)

**[Villa]**

(Nikko removes the hypocaust grill.)  
NIKKO: Different sort of hypocaust?  
CAECILIUS: Oh, yes. We're very advanced in Pompeii. In Rome, they're still using the old wood-burning furnaces, but we've got hot springs, leading from Vesuvius itself.  
NIKKO: Who thought of that?  
CAECILIUS: The soothsayers, after the great earthquake, seventeen years ago. An awful lot of damage. But we rebuilt.  
NIKKO: Didn't you think of moving away? Oh no, then again, San Francisco.  
CAECILIUS: That's a new restaurant in Naples, isn't it?  
NIKKO: What's that noise?  
CAECILIUS: Don't know. Happens all the time. They say the gods of the Underworld are stirring.  
NIKKO: But after the earthquake, let me guess. Is that when the soothsayers started making sense?  
CAECILIUS: Oh, yes, very much so. I mean, they'd always been, shall we say, imprecise? But then the soothsayers, the augurs, the haruspex, all of them, they saw the truth again and again. It's quite amazing. They can predict crops and rainfall with absolute precision.  
NIKKO: Haven't they said anything about tomorrow?  
CAECILIUS: No. Why, should they? Why do you ask?  
NIKKO: No, no. No reason. I'm just asking. But the soothsayers, they all consume the vapours, yeah?  
CAECILIUS: That's how they see.  
NIKKO: Ipso facto.  
CAECILIUS: Look you.  
NIKKO: They're all consuming this.  
CAECILIUS: Dust.  
NIKKO: Tiny particles of rock. They're breathing in Vesuvius.  
(Nikko goes to where Quintus is reclining on a couch, drinking.)  
NIKKO: Quintus, me old son. This Lucius Petrus Dextrus. Where does he live?  
QUINTUS: It's nothing to do with me.  
NIKKO: Let me try again. This Lucius Petrus Dextrus.  
(Nikko produces a coin from behind Quintus' ear.)  
NIKKO: Where does he live?

**[Street]**

(Night has fallen. Quintus holds a burning torch as he leads Nikko through Pompeii.)  
QUINTUS: Don't tell my Dad.  
(Nikko jumps up to a window and opens the shutters.)  
NIKKO: Only if you don't tell mine. (He goes inside then leans out.)  
NIKKO: Pass me that torch.

**[Lucius' villa]**

(The hypocaust is glowing red with heat. Quintus enters as Nikko looks around, then takes down a curtain to reveal a wall of different design marble tiles.)  
QUINTUS: The liar. He told my father it was the only one.  
NIKKO: Well, plenty of marble merchants in this town. Tell them all the same thing, get all the components from different places, so no one can see what you're building.  
QUINTUS: Which is what?  
LUCIUS: The future, Nikko. We are building the future, as dictated by the gods.

**[Lucius' villa]**

(Nikko is rearranging the circuit boards.)  
NIKKO: Put this one there. This one there. Er, keep that one upside down, and what you got?  
LUCIUS: Enlighten me.  
NIKKO: What, the soothsayer doesn't know?  
LUCIUS: The seed may float on the breeze in any direction.  
NIKKO: Yeah, I knew you were going to say that. But it's an energy converter.  
LUCIUS: An energy converter of what?  
NIKKO: I don't know. Isn't that brilliant? I love not knowing. Keeps me on my toes. It must be awful being a prophet, waking up every morning, is it raining? Yes, it is, I said so. Takes all the fun out of life. But who designed this, Lucius, hmm? Who gave you these instructions?  
LUCIUS: I think you've babbled enough.  
NIKKO: Lucius, really, tell me. Honestly, I'm on your side. I can help.  
LUCIUS: You insult the gods. There can be only one sentence. At arms.  
(The guards draw their short swords.)  
NIKKO: Oh, morituri te salutant.  
LUCIUS: Celtic prayers won't help you now.  
QUINTUS: But it was him, sir. He made me do it. Mister Dextrus, please don't.  
NIKKO: Come on now, Quintus, dignity in death. I respect your victory, Lucius. Shake on it? Come on. Dying man's wish?  
(Nikko grabs at Lucius' right arm beneath the clock and pulls. There is a breaking sound.)  
LUCIUS: Argh.  
(Nikko is holding a stone hand and forearm. Petrus Dextrus, Stone Right.)  
QUINTUS: But he's  
NIKKO: Show me.  
(Lucius throws back the cloak. His entire right side has calcified.)  
LUCIUS: The work of the gods.  
QUINTUS: He's stone.  
NIKKO: Armless enough, though. Whoops.  
(The Doctor throws the arm back to Lucius.)  
NIKKO: Quintus!  
LUCIUS: The carvings.

**[Street]**

NIKKO: Run!

**[Lucius' villa]**

LUCIUS: My carvings! The work is unbroken. Oh, Lord of the Mountain, I beseech you. This man would prevent the rise of Pompeii. Lord, I beg of you, show yourself. Show yourself.  
(He sees the same stone and flame creature as Evelina did earlier.)

**[Street]**

NIKKO: No sign of them. Nice little bit of allons-y. I think we're all right.  
QUINTUS: But his arm, Nikko. Is that what's happening to Evelina?  
(Rumble. A dog starts barking.)  
NIKKO: What was that?  
(Rumble.)  
QUINTUS: The mountain?  
(The rumbles are rhythmical.)  
NIKKO: No, it's closer.  
(Things start falling over as the ground shakes.)  
NIKKO: Footsteps.  
QUINTUS: It can't be.  
NIKKO: Footsteps underground.  
QUINTUS: What is it? What is it?  
(They run again. The grills blow of hypocaust vents as they pass.)

**[Villa]**

METELLA: What is it? What's that noise?  
CAECILIUS: Doesn't sound like Vesuvius.  
NIKKO: Caecilius? All of you, get out.  
MACY: Nikko, what is it?  
NIKKO: I think we're being followed.  
(The hypocaust grill flies off.)  
NIKKO: Just get out!  
(Instead, they stand and stare as the floor around the hypocaust cracks, and the stone and fire creature appears. As it stands, it nearly touches the ceiling.)  
EVELINA: The gods are with us.  
NIKKO: Water. We need water. Quintus. All of you, get water. Macy!  
ROMBUS: Blessed are we to see the gods.  
(His god breathes on him, burning him to ash instantly.)  
NIKKO: Talk to me. That's all I want. Talk to me. Just tell me you are. Don't hurt these people.  
(Macy is returning with a bucket of water when the Sisterhood grab her. Evelina sees them.)  
NIKKO: Talk to me. I'm Nikko. Just tell me who you are.  
(Quintus and a slave return with buckets, scoop water from the fishpond and throw it on the creature. Its fire goes out, it solidifies then cracks and crumbles to the floor.)  
CAECILIUS: What was it?  
NIKKO: Carapace of stone, held together by internal magma. Not too difficult to stop, but I reckon that's just the foot soldier.  
METELLA: Nikko, or whatever your name is, you bring bad luck on this house.  
NIKKO: I thought your son was brilliant. Aren't you going to thank him? (sotto) Still, if there are aliens at work in Pompeii, it's a good thing we stayed.

**[Temple]**

MACY: You have got to be kidding me.  
(Macy is tied to the altar, and Spurrina is standing over her with a knife.)  
SPURRINA: The false prophet will surrender both her blood and her breath.  
MACY: I'll surrender you in a minute. Don't you dare.  
SPURRINA: You will be silent.  
MACY: Listen, sister, you might have eyes on the back of your hands, but you'll have eyes in the back of your head by the time I've finished with you. Let me go!  
SPURRINA: This prattling voice will cease forever.  
(Promises, promises. Spurrina raises the blade.)  
NIKKO: Oh, that'll be the day.  
SPURRINA: No man is allowed to enter the Temple of Sibyl.  
NIKKO: Well, that's all right. Just us girls. Do you know, I met the Sibyl once. Yeah, hell of a woman. Blimey, she could dance the Tarantella. Nice teeth. Truth be told, I think she had a bit of a thing for me. I said it would never last. She said, I know. Well, she would. You all right there?  
MACY: Oh, never better.  
NIKKO: I like the toga.  
MACY: Thank you. And the ropes?  
NIKKO: Yeah, not so much.  
(He uses the sonic screwdriver to cut them and free Macy.)  
SPURRINA: What magic is this?  
NIKKO: Let me tell you about the Sibyl, the founder of this religion. She would be ashamed of you. All her wisdom and insight turned sour. Is that how you spread the word, hey? On the blade of a knife?  
SPURRINA: Yes, a knife that now welcomes you.  
HIGH PRIESTESS [OC]: Show me this man.  
SPURRINA: High Priestess, the stranger would defile us.  
HIGH PRIESTESS [OC]: Let me see. This one is different. He carries starlight in his wake.  
NIKKO: Oh, very perceptive. Where do these words of wisdom come from?  
HIGH PRIESTESS [OC]: The gods whisper to me.  
NIKKO: They've done far more than that. Might I beg audience? Look upon the High Priestess?  
(Two Sisters draw the veil aside to reveal that the High Priestess is living stone.)  
MACY: Oh, my God. What's happened to you?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: The heavens have blessed me.  
NIKKO: If I might?  
(She holds out her hand for him to touch.)  
NIKKO: Does it hurt?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: It is necessary.  
NIKKO: Who told you that?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: The voices.  
(Spurrina shows Macy her stone forearm.)  
SPURRINA: The blessings are manifold.  
MACY: They're stone.  
NIKKO: Exactly. The people of Pompeii are turning to stone before the volcano erupts. But why?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: This word, this image in your mind. This volcano. What is that?  
NIKKO: More to the point, why don't you know about it? Who are you?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: High Priestess of the Sibylline.  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no. I'm talking to the creature inside you. The thing that's seeding itself into a human body, in the dust, in the lungs, taking over the flesh and turning it into, what?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: Your knowledge is impossible.  
NIKKO: Oh, but you can read my mind. You know it's not. I demand you tell me who you are.  
(The High Priestess speaks with two voices, her own and one deeper, which takes over.)  
HIGH PRIESTESS: We are awakening.  
SPURRINA: The voice of the gods.  
SISTERS: Words of wisdom, words of power. Words of wisdom, words of power. Words of wisdom  
NIKKO: Name yourself. Planet of origin. Galactic coordinates. Species designation according to the universal ratification of the Shadow Proclamation.  
HIGH PRIESTESS: We are rising.  
NIKKO: Tell me your name!  
HIGH PRIESTESS: Pyrovile.  
SISTERS: Pyrovile. Pyrovile. Pyrovile.  
MACY: What's a Pyrovile?  
NIKKO: Well, that's a Pyrovile, growing inside her. She's a halfway stage.  
MACY: What, and that turns into?  
NIKKO: That thing in the villa. That was an adult Pyrovile.  
HIGH PRIESTESS: And the breath of a Pyrovile will incinerate you, Nikko.  
(Nikko produces a yellow plastic water pistol.)  
NIKKO: I warn you, I'm armed. Macy, get that grill open.  
MACY: What for?  
NIKKO: Just. What are the Pyrovile doing here?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: We fell from the heavens. We fell so far and so fast, we were rendered into dust.  
NIKKO: Right, creatures of stone shattered on impact. When was that, seventeen years ago?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: We have slept beneath for thousands of years.  
NIKKO: Okay, so seventeen years ago woke you up, and now you're using human bodies to reconstitute yourselves. But why the psychic powers?  
HIGH PRIESTESS: We opened their minds and found such gifts.  
NIKKO: Okay, that's fine. So you force yourself inside a human brain, use the latent psychic talent to bond. I get that, I get that, yeah. But seeing the future? That is way beyond psychic. You can see through time. Where does the gift of prophecy come from?  
MACY: Got it.  
NIKKO: Now get down.  
MACY: What, down there?  
NIKKO: Yes, down there. Why can't this lot predict a volcano? Why is it being hidden?  
SPURRINA: Sisters, I see into his mind. The weapon is harmless.  
NIKKO: Yeah, but it's got to sting.  
(He squirts the water at the High Priestess. Yes, it does hurt her.)  
NIKKO: Get down there!

**[Villa]**

CAECILIUS: Out! Out! Everybody out! Quickly.

**[Temple]**

(Nikko and Macy run through the chaotic streets of Pompeii.)  
SPURRINA: You lied to us. And yet this was meant to be.

**[Pompeii]**

(The ash is falling on the town.)  
MACY: Don't. Don't go to the beach. Don't go to the beach, go to the hills. Listen to me. Don't go to the beach, it's not safe. Listen to me.  
(A little boy is crying.)  
MACY: Come here.  
WOMAN: Give him to me.  
(The woman picks up the boy and runs off.)  
NIKKO: Come on.

**[Villa]**

(Caecilius and his family are cowering in a corner.)  
CAECILIUS: Gods save us, Nikko.  
(Nikko goes to the Tardis.)  
Macy: No! Nikko, you can't. Nikko!  
(The Tardis engines start up and she runs inside.)

**[Tardis]**

MACY: You can't just leave them!  
NIKKO: Don't you think I've done enough? History's back in place and everyone dies.  
MACY: You've got to go back. Nikko, I am telling you, take this thing back. It's not fair.  
NIKKO: No, it's not.  
MACY: But your own planet. It burned.  
NIKKO: That's just it. Don't you see, Macy? Can't you understand? If I could go back and save them, then I would. But I can't. I can never go back. I can't. I just can't, I can't.  
MACY: Just someone. Please. Not the whole town. Just save someone.

**[Villa]**

(The Tardis rematerialises.)  
NIKKO: Come with me.

**[Hillside]**

(The six watch as Pompeii is filled with volcanic ash)  
NIKKO: It's never forgotten, Caecilius. Oh, time will pass, men'll move on, and stories will fade. But one day, Pompeii will be found again. In thousands of years. And everyone will remember you.  
MACY: What about you, Evelina? Can you see anything?  
EVELINA: The visions have gone.  
NIKKO: The explosion was so powerful it cracked open a rift in time, just for a second. That's what gave you the gift of prophecy. It echoed back into the Pyrovillian alternative. But not any more. You're free.  
METELLA: But tell me. Who are you, Nikko? With your words, and your temple containing such size within?  
NIKKO: Oh, I was never here. Don't tell anyone.  
CAECILIUS: The great god Vulcan must be enraged. It's so volcanic. It's like some sort of volcano. All those people.  
(Nikko and Macy slip back into the Tardis.)

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Thank you.  
NIKKO: Yeah. You were right. Sometimes I need someone. Welcome aboard.  
MACY: Yeah.

**[Rome]**

(Six months later. Caecilius is back in business and living in another top-class villa.)  
CAECILIUS: Metella, my love, have you seen that clasp? The beetle one. The Egyptians do love a scarab.  
METELLA: Here we are. I was giving it a polish. Now calm down.  
CAECILIUS: If I get that contract for the marble granaries of Alexandria, we'll be rich. You'll see. Hold on there, Evelina. You are not going out wearing that.  
(Her gown barely reached down to her knees.)  
EVELINA: Don't start, Dad. It's what all the girls in Rome are wearing. See you later.  
CAECILIUS: Are you seeing that boy again?  
METELLA: Oh, look at Quintus. My son, the doctor.  
QUINTUS: Mum, I've told you. I'm not a doctor. Not yet. I'm just a student of the physical sciences.  
METELLA: Well, that's a doctor to me. Give thanks to the household gods before you go, there's a good boy. Come here, let me fix it. You've got that folded all wrong.  
(Quintus kneels before the shrine.)  
QUINTUS: Thank you, household gods. Thank you for everything.


	4. Episode 3 - Planet Of The Ood

Grand Theft Fail: Episode 3 – Planet Of The Ood

**[Tardis]**

(The Tardis is rocking back and forth in flight. Nikko stops it.)  
NIKKO: Set the controls to random. Mystery tour. Outside that door could be any planet, anywhere, anywhere in the whole wide universe. Are you all right?  
BELLA: Terrified.  
NIKKO: I know what it's like. Everything you're feeling right now. The fear, the joy, the wonder? I get that.  
BELLA: Seriously? After all this time?  
NIKKO: Yeah. Why do you think I keep going?

**[Planet surface]**

(Bella goes outside.)  
BELLA: Oh, I've got the word. Freezing.  
NIKKO: Snow! Oh, real snow. Proper snow at last. That's more like it. Lovely. What do you think?  
BELLA: Bit cold.  
NIKKO: Look at that view.  
(Massive icicles hang from bridges of rock over vast ravines.)  
BELLA: Yep. Beautiful, cold view.  
NIKKO: Millions of planets, millions of galaxies, and we're on this one. Molto bene. Bellissimo.  
(Bella has disappeared.)  
(Bella comes out of the Tardis in a big fur coat with a hood.)  
BELLA: Sorry, you were saying?  
NIKKO: Better?  
BELLA: Lovely, thanks.  
NIKKO: Comfy?  
BELLA: Yep.  
NIKKO: Can you hear anything inside that?  
BELLA: Pardon?  
NIKKO: All right, I was saying, citizen of the Earth  
(A space rocket glides slowly above them.)  
BELLA: Rocket. Blimey, a real proper rocket. Now that's what I call a spaceship. You've got a box, he's got a Ferrari. Come on, lets go see where he's going.

**[Planet surface]**

(A delicate music can be heard as they cross a rock bridge.)  
NIKKO: Hold on, can you hear that? Bella, take your hood down.  
BELLA: What?  
NIKKO: That noise is like a song. Over there.  
(An Ood lies on the ground, partly covered in snow.)  
BELLA: What is it?  
NIKKO: An Ood. He's called an Ood.  
BELLA: But it's face.  
NIKKO: Bella, don't. Not now. It's a he, not an it. Give me a hand.  
BELLA: Sorry.  
NIKKO: I don't know where the heart is. I don't know if he's got a heart. Talk to him, keep him going.  
BELLA: It's all right, we've got you. Er, what's your name?  
DELTA 50: Designated Ood Delta 50.  
NIKKO: You've been shot.  
DELTA 50: The circle.  
BELLA: No, don't try to talk.  
DELTA 50: The circle must be broken.  
NIKKO: Circle? What do you mean? Delta 50, what circle? Delta 50? What circle?  
(Delta 50 sits up with a roar, and red eyes, then exhales and falls back dead).  
BELLA: He's gone.  
NIKKO: Careful.  
BELLA: There you are, sweetheart. We were too late. What do we do, do we bury him?  
NIKKO: The snow'll take care of that.  
BELLA: Who was he? What's an Ood?  
NIKKO: They're servants of humans in the forty second century. Mildly telepathic. That was the song. It was his mind calling out.  
BELLA: I couldn't hear anything. He sang as he was dying.  
NIKKO: His eyes turned red.  
BELLA: What's that mean?  
NIKKO: Trouble. Come on. The Ood are harmless. They're completely benign. Except, the last time I met them, there was this force, like a stronger mind, powerful enough to take them over.  
BELLA: What sort of force?  
NIKKO: Oh, long story.  
BELLA: Long walk.  
NIKKO: It was the Devil.  
BELLA: If you're going to take the mickey, I'll just put my hood back up.  
NIKKP: Must be something different this time, though. Something closer to home. Ah ha! Civilisation.

**[Factory complex]**

SOLANA: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ood Sphere. And isn't it bracing? Here are your information packs, with vouchers, 3D tickets and a map of the complex. My name's Solana, Head of Marketing. I'm sure we've all spoken on the vidfone. Now, if you'd like to follow me.  
(Nikko and Bella join them.)  
NIKKO: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Late. Don't mind us. Hello. The guards let us through.  
SOLANA: And you would be?  
NIKKO: Nikko and Bella Nicholls.  
BELLA: Representing the Nicholls Corporation PLC Limited, Intergalactic.  
SOLANA: Must have fallen off my list. My apologies. Won't happen again.  
NIKKO: We're married.  
BELLA: We're married.  
SOLANA: Of course. And here are your information packs, vouchers inside. Now if you'd like to come with me, the Executive Suites are nice and warm.  
(An alarm sounds.)  
NIKKO: Oh, what's that? That sounds like an alarm.

**[Factory complex]**

SOLANA: Oh, it's just a siren for the end of the work shift. Now then, this way, quick as you can.

**[Presentation area]**

(Three Ood are standing on small platforms, whilst others are taking round trays of drinks.)  
SOLANA: As you can see, the Ood are happy to serve, and we keep them in facilities of the highest standard. Here at the Double O, that's Ood Operations, we like to think of the Ood as our trusted friends.

**[Presentation area]**

SOLANA: We keep the Ood healthy, safe, and educated. We don't just breed the Ood. We make them better. Because at heart, what is an Ood, but a reflection of us? If your Ood is happy, then you'll be happy, too.

**[Presentation area]**

SOLANA: I'd now like to point out a new innovation from Ood Operations. We've introduced a variety package with the Ood translator ball. You can now have the standard setting. How are you today, Ood?  
OOD 1: I'm perfectly well, thank you.  
SOLANA: Or perhaps after a stressful day, a little something for the gentlemen. And how are you, Ood?  
OOD 2: (husky female) All the better for seeing you.  
SOLANA: And the comedy classic option. Ood, you dropped something.  
OOD 3: (Homer Simpson) D'oh.  
SOLANA: All that for only five additional credits. The details are in your brochures. Now, there's plenty more food and drink, so don't hold back.  
(Solana leaves. Nikko goes to her lectern and uses its computer access to light up the big screen.)  
NIKKO: Ah, got it. The Ood Sphere, I've been to this solar system before. Years ago. Ages. Close to the planet Sense Sphere. Let's widen out. The year 4126. That is the Second Great and Bountiful Human Empire.  
BELLA: 4126? It's 4126. I'm in 4126.  
NIKKO: It's good, isn't it?  
BELLA: What's the Earth like now?  
NIKKO: Bit full. But you see, the Empire stretches out across three galaxies.  
BELLA: It's weird. I mean, it's brilliant, but. Back home, the papers and the telly, they keep saying we haven't got long to live. Global warming, flooding, all the bees disappearing.  
NIKKO: Yeah. That thing about the bees is odd.  
BELLA: But look at us. We're everywhere. Is that good or bad, though? I mean, are we like explorers? Or more like a virus?  
NIKKO: Sometimes I wonder.  
BELLA: What are the red dots?  
NIKKO: Ood distribution centres.  
BELLA: Across three galaxies? Don't the Ood get a say in this?  
(Bella goes to an Ood.)  
BELLA: Er, sorry, but.  
(Bella gently touches his arm and he turns to look at her.)  
BELLA: Hello. Tell me, are you all like this?  
OOD 1: I do not understand, Miss.  
BELLA: Yeah. What I mean is, are there any free Ood? Are there Ood running wild somewhere, like wildebeest.  
OOD 1: All Ood are born to serve. Otherwise, we would die.  
BELLA: But you can't have started like that. Before the humans, what were you like?  
OOD 1: The circle.  
BELLA: What do you mean? What circle?  
OOD 1: The circle. The circle is  
SOLANA: Ladies and gentlemen. All Ood to hospitality stations, please.  
NIKKO: I've had enough of the schmoozing. Do you fancy going off the beaten track?  
(He holds a map of the complex.)  
SOLANA: Now, if I can introduce you  
BELLA: Rough guide to the Ood Sphere? Works for me.  
NIKKO: Yeah.

**[Factory complex]**

(Nikko uses his sonic screwdriver on a gate in the wire mesh fencing.)  
TANNOY: Ood shift eight now commencing. Repeat. Ood shift eight now commencing.  
(Nikko and Bella watch the Ood marching through in double file from an upper catwalk. One at the back falls down.)  
(Kess cracks a whip.)  
BELLA: Servants? They're slaves.  
KESS: Get up! March.  
NIKKO: Last time I met the Ood, I never thought. I never asked.  
BELLA: That's not like you.  
NIKKO: I was busy. So busy I couldn't save them. I had to let the Ood die. I reckon I owe them one.  
BELLA: That looks like the boss.  
NIKKO: Let's keep out of his way. Come on. 

**[Presentation area]**

SOLANA: There's no such company, the Nicholls Corporation doesn't exist. And on top of that, they seem to have gone missing, sir.

**[Factory complex]**

(Bella stops by a door as Nikko walks on. She puts two fingers into her mouth and blows.)  
NIKKO: Where'd you learn to whistle?  
BELLA: West Ham, every Saturday.  
(He unlocks the door.)

**[Ood Cargo]**

(It is full of shipping containers.)  
NIKKO: Ood export. You see? Lifts up the containers, takes them to the rocket sheds, ready to be flown out all over the three galaxies.  
BELLA: What, you mean, these containers are full of?  
NIKKO: What do you think?

**[Shipping container]**

(The Ood are standing silently.)  
BELLA: Oh, it stinks. How many of them do you think there are in each one?  
NIKKO: Hundred? More?  
BELLA: A great big empire built on slavery.  
NIKKO: It's not so different from your time.  
BELLA: Oi. I haven't got slaves.  
NIKKO: Who do you think made your clothes?  
BELLA: Is that why you travel round with a human at your side? It's not so you can show them the wonders of the universe, it's so you can take cheap shots?  
NIKKO: Sorry.  
BELLA: Don't, Spaceman. I don't understand, the door is open, why don't you just run away?  
OOD: For what reason?  
BELLA: You could be free.  
OOD: I do not understand the concept.  
BELLA: What is it with that Persil ball? I mean, they're not born with it, are they? Why do they have to be all plugged in?  
NIKKO: Ood, tell me. Does the circle mean anything to you?  
ALL OOD: The circle must be broken.  
BELLA: Oh, that is creepy.  
NIKKO: But what is it? What is the circle?  
ALL OOD: The circle must be broken.  
NIKKO: Why?  
ALL OOD: So that we can sing.

**[Ood Cargo]**

(Up on a catwalk.)  
KESS: Mister Halpen? I'm in Ood Cargo, I've found your unwanted guests. Go.  
(Kess sets off an alarm.)

**[Shipping container]**

NIKKO: Oh, that's us. Come on.

**[Office]**

HALPEN: Cut the alarms. I said, no alarms!

**[Presentation area]**

SOLANA: Nothing to worry about, ladies and gentlemen. It's just a fire drill. We test the system at this time every day. If you'll excuse me.

**[Ood Cargo]**

(Bella stops running.)  
BELLA: Bella, there's a door.  
(The door opens and guards enter.)  
GUARD: Don't move!  
(Bella is further away.)  
NIKKO: Where've you gone?  
GUARD: Stay where you are.  
KESS: Keep her in there for now.  
BELLA: Get off me. Get off me!  
(Bella is locked in a container with Ood.)  
NIKKO: Bella? Where are you?  
KESS: All guards withdraw.  
GUARD [OC]: Sir?  
KESS: I said withdraw. Keep to the perimeter. I've got this one. I've always wanted to do this.  
(Kess actives the claw that moves the containers, and chases the Nikko with it.)  
KESS: Container locked.

**[Container]**

BELLA: Can you help me?  
(The Ood have red eyes.)  
BELLA: Oh, no, you don't. What have I done? I'm not one of that lot. I'm on your side. Stay where you are. That's an order. I said, stay.

**[Ood Cargo]**

(Kess knocks Nikko down with the claw, then sends it down towards him. Suddenly, it stops. Solana takes the key from the controls.)  
SOLANA: You heard the instructions. Mister Halpen wants them alive.

**[Container]**

BELLA: Nikko, get me out!

**[Ood Cargo]**

(Two guards are marching Nikko away.)  
BELLA [OC]: Nikko, get me out of here.  
NIKKO: If you don't do what she says, you're really in trouble. Not from me, from her.  
KESS: Unlock the container.  
(Bella runs out.)  
BELLA: Nikko.  
NIKKO: There we go, safe and sound.  
BELLA: Never mind about me. What about them?  
(The Ood kill the guard by the container door.)  
KESS: Red alert. Fire!  
(Ood come out of other containers.)  
KESS: Shoot to kill.  
(While the guards fire their guns, the Doctor, Donna and Solana run outside.)

**[Factory complex]**

BELLA: If people back on Earth knew what was going on here.  
SOLANA: Oh, don't be so stupid. Of course they know.  
BELLA: They know how you treat the Ood?  
SOLANA: They don't ask. Same thing.  
NIKKO: Solana, the Ood aren't born like this. They can't be. A species born to serve could never evolve in the first place. What does the company do to make them obey?  
SOLANA: That's nothing to do with me.  
NIKKO: Oh, what, because you don't ask?  
SOLANA: That's Doctor Ryder's territory.  
NIKKO: Where's he? What part of the complex? I could help with the red eye. Now show me.  
SOLANA: There. Beyond the red section.  
NIKKO: Come with me. You've seen the warehouse. You can't agree with all this. You know this place better than me. You could help.  
SOLANA: They're over here! Guards! They're over here.  
(Nikko and Bella run off.)  
GUARD: Male and female suspects escaped. West ridge corridor.  
SOLANA: Mister Halpen, I found Nikko. He's heading for Ood Conversion.  
HALPEN [OC]: On my way.

**[Office]**

HALPEN: Mister Kess, what's the situation?

**[Detention area]**

KESS: We've contained it, sir. Fenced them in. But the red eye seems to be permanent this time. It's not fading. Worse than that, sir, there's more of them going rabid. In my opinion, sir, I think we've lost them. The entire batch contaminated.

**[Office]**

HALPEN: What's causing it? Why now? What's changed?  
(Halpen strokes his head, and some hair comes away in his fingers.)  
HALPEN: How many Ood in total?

**[Detention area]**

KESS: I'd say about two thousand, sir.  
HALPEN [OC]: We can write them off. That's what insurance is for.

**[Office]**

HALPEN: Drink. We've plenty more on the breeding farms. Let's start again. Fetch the canisters.

**[Detention area]**

HALPEN [OC]: No survivors.  
KESS: My pleasure, sir. You lot. Canisters.

**[Factory complex]**

NIKKO: This way.  
(They arrive at a door.)  
NIKKO: Oh, can you hear it? I didn't need the map. I should have listened.

**[Ood Conversion]**

(Nikko sonics the door lock.)  
BELLA: Hold on. Does that mean we're locked in?  
NIKKO: Listen. Listen, listen, listen, listen.  
(The ethereal music.)  
NIKKO: Oh, my head.  
BELLA: What is it?  
NIKKO: Can't you hear it? The singing?  
(Groups of Ood are sitting in cages. They turn away from Nikko and Bella.)  
BELLA: They look different to the others.  
NIKKO: That's because they're natural born Ood, unprocessed, before they're adapted to slavery. Unspoilt. That's their song.  
BELLA: I can't hear it.  
NIKKO: Do you want to?  
BELLA: Yeah.  
NIKKO: It's the song of captivity.  
BELLA: Let me hear it.  
NIKKO: Face me.  
(Nikko makes a mind meld with Donna.)  
NIKKO: Open your mind. That's it. Hear it, Bella. Hear the music.  
(The song is sad and beautiful. Bella cries.)  
BELLA: Take it away.  
NIKKO: Sure?  
BELLA: I can't bear it.  
(Nikko disconnects her from the telepathic field.)  
BELLA: I'm sorry.  
NIKKO: It's okay.  
BELLA: But you can still hear it.  
NIKKO: All the time.

**[Ood Conversion]**

(Nikko sonics open the cage.)  
BELLA: They're breaking in.  
NIKKO: Ah, let them.  
(The Ood cower in the corner.)  
NIKKO: What are you holding? Show me. Friend. Let me see. Look at me. Let me see. That's it. That's it, go on. Go on.  
(The Ood opens his hands. He is holding a small brain.)  
BELLA: Is that?  
NIKKO: It's a brain. A hind brain. The Ood are born with a secondary brain. Like the amygdala in humans, it processes memory and emotions. You get rid of that, you wouldn't be Bella any more. You'd be like an Ood. A processed Ood.  
BELLA: So the company cuts off their brains?  
NIKKO: And they stitch on the translator.  
BELLA: Like a lobotomy. I spent all that time looking for you, Nikko, because I thought it was so wonderful out here. I want to go home.  
(Crash!)  
GUARD [OC]: They're with the Ood, sir.  
(Nikko locks himself and Bella in with the Ood.)  
NIKKO: What you going to do, then? Arrest me? Lock me up? Throw me in a cage? Well, you're too late. Ha!

**[Office]**

(Nikko and Bella are handcuffed to some pipes.)  
HALPEN: Why don't you just come out and say it? FOTO activists.  
NIKKO: If that's what Friends Of The Ood are trying to prove, then yes.  
HALPEN: The Ood were nothing without us, just animals roaming around on the ice.  
NIKKO: That's because you can't hear them.  
HALPEN: They welcomed it. It's not as if they put up a fight.  
BELLA: You idiot. They're born with their brains in their hands. Don't you see, that makes them peaceful. They've got to be, because a creature like that would have to trust anyone it meets.  
NIKKO: Oh, nice one.  
BELLA: Thank you.  
HALPEN: The system's worked for two hundred years. All we've got is a rogue batch. But the infection is about to be sterilised. Mister Kess. How do we stand?

**[Detention area]**

KESS: Canisters primed, sir. As soon as the core heats up, the gas is released. Give it two hundred marks and counting.

**[Office]**

NIKKO: You're going to gas them?.  
HALPEN: Kill the livestock. The classic foot and mouth solution from the olden days. Still works.  
(In different places, Ood both unconverted and red eyed form circles and sing.)

**[Office]**

HALPEN: Change of plan.  
RYDER: There are no reports of trouble off-world, sir. It's still contained to the Ood Sphere.  
HALPEN: Then we've got a public duty to stop it before it spreads.  
NIKKO: What's happening?  
HALPEN: Everything you wanted, Nikko. No doubt there'll be a full police investigation once this place has been sterilised, so I can't risk a bullet to the head. I'll leave you to the mercies of the Ood.  
NIKKO: But Mister Halpen, there's something else, isn't there? Something we haven't seen.  
BELLA: What do you mean?  
NIKKO: A creature couldn't survive with a separate forebrain and hind brain, they'd be at war with themselves. There's got to be something else, a third element, am I right?  
HALPEN: And again, so clever.  
NIKKO: But it's got to be connected to the red eye. What is it?  
HALPEN: It won't exist for very much longer. Enjoy your Ood.  
(Nikko and Bella are left alone.)  
NIKKO: Come on.

**[Factory complex]**

(An Ood attacks Halpen and Ryder's escort.)  
HALPEN: No, leave him.  
(Elsewhere -)  
NIKKO: I don't know where it is. I don't know where they've gone.  
BELLA: What are we looking for?  
NIKKO: It might be underground, like some sort of cave, or a cavern, or  
(Halpen unlocks a door).  
COMPUTER: Warehouse Fifteen door open.  
(Nikko and Bella are knocked down by an explosion.)  
NIKKO: All right?  
(As the smoke clears, Sigma is standing behind them.)

**[Warehouse 15]**

NIKKO: The Ood Brain. Now it all makes sense, That's the missing link. The third element, binding them together. Forebrain, hind brain, and this, the telepathic centre. It's a shared mind, connecting all the Ood in song.  
HALPEN: Cargo. I can always go into cargo. I've got the rockets, I've got the sheds. Smaller business. Much more manageable, without livestock.  
RYDER: He's mined the area.  
BELLA: You're going to kill it?  
HALPEN: They found that thing centuries ago beneath the Northern Glacier.  
NIKKO: Those pylons.  
BELLA: In a circle. The circle must be broken.  
NIKKO: Damping the telepathic field. Stopping the Ood from connecting for two hundred years.  
HALPEN: And you, Ood Sigma, you brought them here. I expected better.  
SIGMA: My place is at your side, sir.  
HALPEN: Still subservient. Good Ood.  
BELLA: If that barrier thing's in place, how come the Ood started breaking out?  
NIKKO: Maybe it's taken centuries to adapt. The subconscious reaching out?  
RYDER: But the process was too slow. It had to be accelerated. You should never give me access to the controls, Mister Halpen. I lowered the barrier to its minimum. Friends Of The Ood, sir. It's taken me ten years to infiltrate the company, and I succeeded.  
HALPEN: Yes. Yes, you did.  
(Halpen throws Ryder over the catwalk railing and onto the giant brain, which absorbs him.)  
BELLA: You murdered him.  
HALPEN: Very observant, Ginger. Now, then. Can't say I've ever shot anyone before. Can't say I'm going to like it. But er, it's not exactly a normal day, is it? Still.  
SIGMA: Would you like a drink, sir?  
HALPEN: I think hair loss is the least of my problems right now, thanks.  
(Sigma stands in front of the Doctor.)  
SIGMA: Please have a drink, sir.  
HALPEN: If, if you're going to stand in their way, I'll shoot you too.  
SIGMA: Please have a drink, sir.  
HALPEN: Have, have you poisoned me?  
SIGMA: Natural Ood must never kill, sir.  
NIKKO: What is that stuff?  
SIGMA: Ood graft suspended in a biological compound, sir.  
HALPEN: What the hell does that mean?  
NIKKO: Oh, dear.  
HALPEN: Tell me!  
NIKKO: Funny thing, the subconscious. Takes all sorts of shapes. Came out in the red eye as revenge, came out in the rabid Ood as anger, and then there was patience. All that intelligence and mercy, focused on Ood Sigma. How's the hair loss, Mister Halpen?  
(More hair comes away in Halpen's hand.)  
HALPEN: What have you done?  
NIKKO: Oh, they've been preparing you for a very long time. And now you're standing next to the Ood Brain, Mister Halpen, can you hear it? Listen.  
HALPEN: What have you? I'm not.  
(Halpen's face goes blank. He drops his gun, reaches for his head and peels the skin off. Then tentacles come out of his mouth.)  
BELLA: They, they turned him into an Ood?  
NIKKO: Yep.  
BELLA: He's an Ood.  
NIKKO: I noticed.  
(Halpen sneezes and a small hind brain flops into his hands.)  
SIGMA: He has become Oodkind, and we will take care of him.  
BELLA: It's weird, being with you. I can't tell what's right and what's wrong any more.  
NIKKO: It's better that way. People who know for certain tend to be like Mister Halpen.  
(Beep beep.)  
NIKKO: Oh!  
(Nikko deactivates the explosives.)  
NIKKO: That's better. And now, Sigma, would you allow me the honour?  
SIGMA: It is yours, Nikko.  
NIKKO: Oh, yes! Stifled for two hundred years, but not any more. The circle is broken. The Ood can sing.  
(The current around the Brain is shut off and the song starts up, slow but happy.)  
BELLA: I can hear it!  
(The fighting stops. The Ood raise their palms to the sky and join in.)

**[Planet surface]**

NIKKO: The message has gone out. That song resonated across the galaxies. Everyone heard it. Everyone knows. The rockets are bringing them back. The Ood are coming home.  
SIGMA: We thank you, Doctor Donna, friends of Oodkind. And what of you now? Will you stay? There is room in the song for you.  
NIKKO: Oh, I've, I've sort of got a song of my own, thanks.  
SIGMA: I think your song must end soon.  
NIKKO: Meaning?  
SIGMA: Every song must end.  
NIKKO: Yeah. Er, what about you? You still want to go home?  
BELLA: No. Definitely not.  
NIKKO: Then we'll be off.  
SIGMA: Take this song with you.  
BELLA: We will.  
NIKKO: Always.  
(Nikko and Bella go into the Tardis, and it dematerialises.)


	5. Episode 4 - Rise Of Da Cybermen: Part 1

Grand Theft Fail: Episode 4 – Rise Of Da Cyberman (Part 1)

A/N – R.I.P Roger Lloyd-Pack, 8 February 1944 – 15 January 2014 (You were a good actor)

**INT. LABORATORY**

_A man in a white coat presses down on a button which switches on a flood light, which silhouettes a familiar outline - a Cyberman._

**DR KENDRICK: **The prototype has passed every test, sir. It's working!

**LUMIC: **I hardly think "working" is the correct word.

_A wheelchair seating John Lumic emerges from the shadows._

**LUMIC (CONT'D): **That would apply only to machines.

**DR KENDRICK: **I'm sorry. I should say... it's alive.

**LUMIC: **Can it hear me?

**DR KENDRICK: **It might still be in shock. Bear in mind the brain has been welded to the exoskeleton.

**LUMIC: **Skin of metal... _(Spins in his wheelchair to face the Cyberman)_... and a body that will never age... or die. I envy it. Do you know me? Answer. Do you know me?

**CYBERMAN: **You are John Lumic.

_Lumic gives a small, satisfied laugh._

**LUMIC: **My child. Mark this day, Doctor Kendrick. We are blessed!

**DR KENDRICK: **Well, it's not quite over yet, sir. We need Geneva's approval. Technically, this is a new form of life. And that contravenes the bio-convention. They need to ratify this.

**LUMIC: **And they will refuse me.

**DR KENDRICK: **Nonetheless, we need to tellthem.

**LUMIC: **And if I don't?

**DR KENDRICK: **Well, I'm sorry, sir, but it's my duty. Ishall have to inform them.

**LUMIC: **And how will you do that from beyond the grave?

**DR KENDRICK: **I don't quite understand...

**LUMIC: **Kill him.

_Doctor Kendrick's smile fades, he turns around just in time to see the Cyberman grasp his shoulder. His body is engulfed in electric blue light as he yells in pain. Lumic smiles as Kendrick slumps to the floor, dead. He turns to a computer and taps on the keyboard._

**LUMIC (CONT'D): **Captain?

**CAPTAIN **_(through computer): _Yes, sir.

**LUMIC: **Inform all staff. We have a new destination. Set sail for Great Britain!

_He smiles in anticipation._

**INT. TARDIS**

_Nikko, Bella and Matthew are hanging out in the TARDIS. Nikko and Bella are both slumped in chairs next to each other while Matthew stands by the console. They are relating a story to Matthew._

**NIKKO **_(enthusiastically): _And that weird munchkin lady with the big eyes? Do you remember? The way she looked at you!And then she opens her mouth and firecomes out!

**BELLA**_ (laughing): _I thought I was gonna get frazzled!

**NIKKO: **Yeah! One minute she's standing there, and the next minute, rawwwh!

_He and Bella mimic fire coming out of their mouths, killing them laughing. Matthew nods and smiles, not really following._

**MATTHEW: **Yeah... where... where was that, then? What happened?

**NIKKO: **Oh, it was on this um... uh, this uh... planet thing, asteroid. It's a long story; you had to be there. Um... what're you doing that for?

_Matthew has his finger on a button on the console._

**MATTHEW: **'Cos you told me to...

**NIKKO **_(blinks): _When was that...?

**MATTHEW: **About half an hour ago...

**NIKKO: **Um. You can let go now.

_Matthew lets go. Bella sniggers._

**MATTHEW: **Well, how long's it been since I could've stopped?

**NIKKO: **Ten minutes? Twenty? ... Twenty-nine?

**MATTHEW **_(indignantly): _You just forgot me !

**NIKKO: **No, no, no! I was just... I was just... I was calibrating. I was just... no, I know exactlywhat I'm doing.

_And the TARDIS console explodes. Violently. Sparks and flames fly everywhere._

**EXT. THE VOID**

_The TARDIS falls through fire; the time vortex is no longer there._

**INT. TARDIS **

_Nikko scrambles to his knees and frantically tries to operate the console._

**BELLA: **What's happened?!

**NIKKO: **The time vortex is gone! That's impossible, it's just gone!

**EXT. THE VOID**

_The TARDIS falls vertically through the flame, very fast._

**INT. TARDIS**

**NIKKO: **Brace yourself! We're going to crash!

_They crash, and the Nikko, Bella and Matthew are thrown backwards. Gas masks fall from the ceiling. All the light in the TARDIS has gone out and it is very dark._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **Everyone all right? Bella, Matthew?

**MATTHEW **_(from the other side of the console): _I'm fine. I'm okay, sorry.

_They all stand slowly. Nikko looks up at the rotor and the console._

**NIKKO: **She's dead.

_There is a clicking as the engines cool down. Smoke rises from the console._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) **_(whispers): _The TARDIS is dead.

_He walks slowly around the console._

**BELLA: **You can fix it?

**NIKKO: **There's nothing to fix. She's perished.

_He pulls a lever back and forth fruitlessly._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **The last TARDIS in the universe... extinct.

**BELLA: **We can get help, yeah?

**NIKKO: **Where from?

**BELLA: **Well, we've landed, we've gotta be somewhere.

**NIKKO: **We fell out of the vortex, through the void, into nothingness. We're in some sort of no-place... the silent realm... the lost dimension...

**MATTHEW **_(from the door, grinning): _Otherwise known as London!

_He laughs and steps out of the door. _

**INT. THAMES EMBANKMENT**

_And into 21st century London. Bella and Nikko follow him._

**MATTHEW (CONT'D) : **London, England, Earth. Hold on...

_He jumps down off the low wall and picks a paper out of a dustbin and looks at the cover._

**MATTHEW (CONT'D): **Eleventh of March this year, not exactly far-flung, is it?

_Rose jumps down and looks over his shoulder._

**NIKKO **_(jumping down, looking around): _So, this is London.

**MATTHEW: **Yep.

**NIKKO: **Your city.

**MATTHEW: **That's the one.

**NIKKO: **Just as we left it.

**MATTHEW: **Bang on.

**NIKKO: **And that includes the zeppelins?

_Bella and Matthew look up at him, then follow his gaze and turn around, sure enough, the sky is full of zeppelins._

**MATTHEW: **What the hell...?

**BELLA: **That's _beautiful._

**MATTHEW: **Okay. So, it's London with a big international zeppelin festival.

**NIKKO: **This is not your world.

**MATTHEW **_(confused): _But if the _date's_ the same... _(He works it out) _... it's parallel, right? Am I right? Like a parallel Earth where they've got Zeppelins, am I right? I'm right, aren't I?

**NIKKO: **Must be.

**BELLA**_:_So, a parallel world where...

**MATTHEW: **Oh, come on. You see it on films. Like an alternative to our world were everything's the same but a little bit different, like... I dunno - traffic lights are blue, Tony Blair never got elected...

**BELLA **_(distant): _And he's still alive...

_She gazes at a poster right front of them. It depicts her father, Carl Nicholls, a successful businessman._

**BELLA (CONT'D): **A parallel world and my dad's still alive...

_She makes towards the poster. Nikko and Matthew follow._

**NIKKO **_(sternly): _Don't look at it, Bella. Don't even think about it. This is not your world.

**BELLA: **But he's my dad... and.

_She touches the poster; the picture of Carl springs to life for a moment, says "trust me on this", winks and gives the thumbs up. Bella steps back._

**BELLA: **Oh, that's weird. But he's real!

**POSTER CARL: **Trust me on this.

**BELLA **_(happily)_**: **He's a success! He was always planning these daft little schemes, Everyone said they were useless. But he did it.

_Nikko suddenly grasps Bella by the shoulders and bends slightly to look into her eyes._

**NIKKO **_(urgently): _Bella, if you've ever trusted me, then listen to me now.

_Bella glances back at the poster._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **Stop looking at it!

_Bella reluctantly meets Nikko's eyes again._

**NIKKO: **Your father's dead. He died when you were six months old. That is not your Carl. That is ACarl. For all we know, he's got his own wife, his own Bella. His own daughter who is someone else, but not you.

_Bella's eyes start to wander back to the poster, but she tries to stop herself._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **You can't see him. Not ever.

_Bella gives a tiny nod. Matthew touches her shoulder comfortingly. The poster of Carl says 'trust me on this' repeatedly._

**INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN**

**LUMIC **_(in his zeppelin): _Those ear-pods are handmade. Tell her to take care.

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, HALLWAY**

**CARL: **Course I will, course I will. I don't suppose you'll be uh, joining us tonight? For the party? We'd be very honoured.

**INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN**

**LUMIC: **The world below can party. Some of us have work to do. My plans have advanced, Carl. The President has promised a decision. I'm flying in now. We'll be at the air slip by five o'clock.

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, HALLWAY**

**CARL: **Right. It's just that I promised I'd help the wife out tonight.

**INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN**

**LUMIC: **If the President of Great Britain can make this meeting, then so can you.

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, HALLWAY**

**CARL: **Oh I dunno, he's not married to Jackie, is he.

**INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN**

**LUMIC: **Five o'clock, Mr Nicholls. Famous day.

_Lumic hangs up. Carl sighs and heads off. Lumic takes a deep breath through his breathing apparatus and then pushes it aside._

**LUMIC (CONT'D): **Activate picture link.

_Mr Crane appears on the screen._

**LUMIC (CONT'D): **Mr Crane?

**MR CRANE: **Mr Lumic?

**LUMIC: **Events are moving faster than I anticipated. I need extra staff.

**MR CRANE: **Very good, sir. I shall go on a recruitment drive.

**INT. LORRY**

_Mr Crane is sitting in the passenger's seat of a lorry._

**MR CRANE **_(to the driver): _Back her up.

_The driver begins to reverse the lorry slowly._

**INT. TARDIS**

_Matthew enters the pitch-black TARDIS, closing the door behind him. Nikko rounds on him._

**NIKKO **_(angrily): _I told you to keep an eye on her!

**MATTHEW **_(dismissively): _She's all right...

**NIKKO: **She goes wandering off, parallel world; it's like a gingerbread house! All those temptations calling out.

**MATTHEW: **Oh, so it's just Bella then? Nothing out there to tempt me?

**NIKKO: **Well, I don't know, I can't worry about everything... if I could just get this thing to...

_He kicks the TARDIS console hard in his frustration. He walks slowly over to a chair, scowling._

**MATTHEW: **Did that help?

**NIKKO: **Yes.

**MATTHEW: **Did that hurt?

**NIKKO: **Yes. Ow.

_He sits down and rubs his foot._

**EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT**

_Bella is strolling along the bank of the Thames. She sits down on a bench, clearly deep in thought. The zeppelins are chugging softly in the sky and she looks up at them. One flies right over her head, low in the sky. It is obviously Lumic's, as it has the Cybus logo stamped on the bottom. Her phone bleeps and she takes it out of her pocket. The message on the screen says "welcome - free trial period". She selects, and footage of the news plays._

**NEWSREADER: **... And it's good news for Great Britain as John Lumic returns to the country of his birth. Mr Lumic, the inventor of high-content metal, has denied allegations of ill health.

**LUMIC: **We're all flesh and blood, but the brain is what makes us human. And my mind is more creative than ever.

**NEWREADER: **With shares in Cybus Industries doubling in price, Mr Lumic...

_Bella glances up at the zeppelin, realising who must be inside it. Cue cryptic reference to Torchwood on the news. Bella closes off the report._

**INT. TARDIS**

**NIKKO **_(uncomfortably)_**: **We're not meant to be here. The TARDIS draws its power off the universe, but it's the wrong universe. It's like diesel in a petrol engine.

**MATTHEW **_(sitting down next to him): _But... I've seen it in comics. People are hopping from one alternative world to another, it's easy.

**NIKKO **_(withering look): _Not in the real world. _(Pause) _Used to be easy. When the Time Lords kept their eye on everything, you could hop between realities, home in time for tea. Then they died, took it all with them. The walls of reality closed, the worlds were sealed. Everything became that bit less kind.

**MATTHEW: **Then how did we get here?

**NIKKO **_(weary): _I dunno. Accident? Should've been impossible, now we're trapped.

_There is a short, hopeless silence. Then..._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) : **What's that ?

_He has spotted a tiny green light glowing beneath the console._

**MATTHEW: **What?

**NIKKO: **That there, is that a reflection?

_It's not. He and Matthew crouch, staring at it._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) **_(excitedly): _It's a light! Is it? Is that a light? I think that's a light! That's all we need!

_They remove the grilling._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **We've got power! Mickey, we've got power! Ha!

**INT. SCRAP YARD**

_The lorry we saw earlier reverses into some sort of scrap yard where a bunch of homeless people are milling around. Mr Crane strides over to them, stopping a moment to pat the back of the lorry, presumably signalling for someone on the inside to open it._

**MR CRANE **_(to the homeless men): _Gentlemen! Gentlemen! I beg your attention. Christmas has come early, so come and get it.

_Two of his cronies let down a ramp into the back of the lorry; he has the full attention of the men._

**MR CRANE (CONT'D): **Ah, smell that, comrades. Burgers and chips, sausage and beans...

_The men, starving, hurry towards the van. One man, Jake, remains half hidden behind some junk, looking anxious._

**MR CRANE (CONT'D): **Pork... chicken... and hot, sweet tea. All for free.

_Jake hurries up behind one of the men, Morris, and tries to stop him from going any further._

**JAKE **_(urgently): _Don't go !

**MORRIS **_(staring at the lorry): _Oh, but there's food!

**MR CRANE **_(ushering men into lorry): _All you can eat, free of charge. Don't just stand there! Fill your faces with pasty and...

**JAKE **_(to Morris): _He's lying.

**MORRIS: **It's easy for you to say. When did you last starve?

**JAKE: **All those people disappearing off the streets. It's been going on for months. It's them. They're taking you away.

**MORRIS: **What for?

**JAKE **_(darkly): _Experiments.

_Morris looks from him to the lorry, brow furrowed._

**MORRIS: **Oh, I'm so hungry...

_He heads towards the lorry._

**MR CRANE: **So, come and get it while it's hot ! _(Morris joins him, laughing). _That's it, kind sir ! Get in there and fill your face !

_Morris hops into the lorry. Unbeknownst to Crane, Jake has taken out a video camera and is filming them, out of sight._

**MR CRANE (CONT'D) : **Feast yourself, brother. Feast yourself.

_Then, we cannot see what is happening but yells and shouts start to emit from the lorry and Morris struggles to get out but is pushed roughly back inside by Mr Crane's cronies._

**MR CRANE** **(CONT'D): **Take them away.

**MORRIS **_(terrified): _No! No, help!

_The lorry doors are shut on him._

**INT. TARDIS**

_Nikko is right underneath the console and pulling out some important looking internals of the TARDIS._

**NIKKO **_(deliriously happy): _It's alive!

**MATTHEW: **What is it?

**NIKKO: **It's nothing. It's tiny. One of those insignificant little power cells that no one ever bothers about, and it's clinging onto life. But with one little ounce of reality tucked away inside.

**MATTHEW: **Enough to get us home?

**NIKKO: **Not yet.

_He picks up the power cell and sits back on the small set of stairs under the grilling._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **I need to charge it up.

_He holds it carefully, cupped in both his hands._

**MATTHEW: **We could go outside and latch it up to the national grid!

**NIKKO: **Wrong sort of energy. It's gotta come from our universe.

**MATTHEW: **But we don't have anything.

**NIKKO: **There's me...

_He blows gently on the power cell and it glows brightly. Nikko beams._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **I just gave away ten years of my life. Worth every second!

_He giggles dorkishly._

**EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT**

_Bella searches for the name "Carl Nicholls" on the Cybus Network, which she now has on her phone._

**INT. TARDIS**

_Nikko and Matthew are both staring at the power cell with huge grins. The light fades._

**MATTHEW: **It's going out. Is that okay?

**NIKKO: **It's on a recharging cycle.

_It grows brighter again, and then back to dim and so on._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **It'll loop round, power back up and be ready to take us home in, oh, twenty-four hours?

_He kisses the power cell._

**MATTHEW: **So, that gives us twenty-four hours on a parallel world?

**NIKKO: **Surely! As long as we keep our heads down. Easy. No problem.

_He tosses the power cell in the air and catches it again._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) **_(standing): _Let's go and tell her.

**EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT**

_Nikko and Matthew come across Bella sitting on her bench._

**NIKKO: **There you are! You all right? No applause, I fixed it! _(Shows her the power cell). _Twenty-four hours, then we're flying back to reality.

_He sits down on the bench and holds the power cell up to show her. She doesn't even glance at it, lost in her own thoughts._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) **_(grin fading, noticing the mobile): _What is it?

**BELLA: **My phone connected. There's this... Cybus Network, it finds your phone. It gave me Internet access.

**NIKKO: **Bella, whatever it says, this is the wrong world.

**BELLA: **I don't exist.

**NIKKO: **What do you mean?

**BELLA: **There's no Bella Nicholls. I was never born. There's Pete, my dad, and Jackie... he still married mum... but they never had kids.

**NIKKO **_(trying to snatch the mobile): _Give me that phone.

_Bella pulls it away from his grasp._

**BELLA: **They're rich. They've got a house and cars, and everything they want. _(She pauses, thinking). _But they haven't got me.

_She sounds close to tears. She stands, walking away from bench. Then she turns to face Nikko._

**BELLA (CONT'D): **I've gotta see him.

**NIKKO: **You can't.

**BELLA: **I just wanna see him.

**NIKKO: **I can't let you!

**BELLA **_(angrily): _You just said twenty-four hours!

**NIKKO: **You can't become their daughter, that's not the way it works! Matthew, tell her.

**MATTHEW **_(standing): _Twenty-four hours, yeah?

**NIKKO **_(bewildered): _Where're you going?

**MATTHEW: **Well, I can do what I want!

**BELLA **_(walking backwards in the opposite direction): _I've got the address and everything.

**NIKKO **_(looking from one to the other frantically): _Stay where you are, both of you ! Bella, come back here! Matthew, come back here right now!

**BELLA: **I just wanna see him.

**MATTHEW: **Yeah, I've got things to see and all.

**NIKKO: **Like what?

**MATTHEW: **Well, you don't know anything about me, do ya? It's always about Bella. I'm just a spare part.

**BELLA **_(walking away): _I'm sorry. I've gotta go.

_Nikko turns from Bella to Matthew. They're both walking away from him and he doesn't know which way to turn._

**MATTHEW **_(gesturing to Bella): _Go on then. No choice, is there? You can only chase after one of us, and it's never gonna be me, is it?

_Bella stops walking backwards, turns and leaves._

**NIKKO **_(to Matthew): _Back here in twenty-four hours!

_And he runs after Bella. Matthew watches his retreating back._

**MATTHEW (CONT'D) **_(to himself): _Yeah. If I haven't found something better.

_He turns away._

**EXT. ALONGSIDE FACTORY**

_Matthew is walking alongside a Cybus Industries factory. The military are barring the road ahead. The soldier approaches Matthew._

**MATTHEW: **Am I all right to get past?

**SOLDIER: **Yeah. No bother. Curfew doesn't start 'til ten.

**MATTHEW: **There's a curfew?

**SOLDIER **_(incredulous): _Course there is. Where've you been living, mate? Up there with the toffs?

_He looks up at the zeppelins in the sky. Matthew follows his gaze._

**MATTHEW: **I wish. _(Walks on). _See ya.

_One of the soldiers lifts the barrier for him and he goes on his way._

**EXT. STREET**

_Bella and Nikko are walking down a street._

**BELLA: **Matthew's mum just couldn't cope. His dad hung around for a while, but then he just sort of wandered off. She was such a great woman.

**NIKKO: **I never knew.

**BELLA: **Well, you never asked.

**NIKKO: **You never said!

**BELLA: **That's Matthew. I s'pose I... we just... take him for granted.

**NIKKO: **Could be. Like I said, parallel world, gingerbread house. We need to get out of here as fast as we can.

_A short alarm sounds and everyone around them suddenly freezes. Nikko and Bella look around at them, confused._

**BELLA: **What're they all doing?

**NIKKO: **They've stopped...

_Everyone is wearing earpieces, which flash and beep quietly. Nikko pauses beside one man and squints at his earpiece._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **It's the earpieces... like Bluetooth attachments, but everyone's connected together.

_Bella's phone beeps. She takes it out of her pocket and looks at it._

**BELLA: **It's on my phone. It's automatic, look. It's downloading. Is this what they're all getting?

_Nikko peers over her shoulder and puts his specs on. Bella scrolls through the "daily downloads"._

**BELLA (CONT'D) **_(reading): _News... international news... sport... weather...

**NIKKO: **They get it direct. Downloaded right into their heads.

**BELLA **_(continuing): _TV schedules, lottery numbers...

**NIKKO: **Everyone shares the same information.

_He takes the phone from Bella and reads it._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **Daily download published by Cybus Industries.

_The download scrolls to "Joke". Everyone around them chuckles, and then goes on their merry way. Nikko and Bella stare, completely nonplussed as the crowd carry on as though nothing had happened._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **You lot, you're obsessed. You'd do anything for the latest upgrade.

**BELLA: **Oi... not my lot. Different world, remember...

**NIKKO: **It's not so far off your world. This place is only parallel.

_He presses a few buttons on the phone._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) **_(showing Bella): _Oh, look at that. Cybus Industries owns just about every company in Britain.

_Bella does not reply, but hangs off his arm smiling innocently and does the puppy-dog-eyes until..._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) **_(sighs): _Oh, okay. I give up. _(Tosses her phone back to her). _Let's go and see him.

**EXT. ROAD**

_Skid of tyres in the background._

_The van draws up sharply behind Matthew._

_Jake leaps out of the van and grabs Matthew by the collar._

**JAKE: **I've been looking for you everywhere!

_He pushes him inside the van. Mrs Moore, who is driving, shakes her head and wastes no time in driving off._

**INT. VAN**

_Jake and Matthew are sat opposite each other in the back of the van._

**JAKE **_(reprimanding): _Ricky, you were the one who told _us, _you don't contact your family 'cos it puts them in danger!

**MATTHEW: **Yeah. Ricky said that. Course I did, just testing.

**JAKE: **I saw them. I taped them! They went round Black Friars gathering up the homeless like a child-catcher. They must've taken four dozen.

**MRS MOORE: **The vans were hired out to a company called International Electromatics. But I did a protocol search... turns out that's a dummy company established by guess who?

**MATTHEW: **I dunno, who?

**MRS MOORE / JAKE : **Cybus Industries !

_Matthew nods, just going along with it._

**JAKE **_(to Mrs Moore): _And now we've got evidence !

**MRS MOORE **_(to Matthew): _Bad news is, they've arrested Thin Jimmy. So that just leaves you.

**MATTHEW: **Leaves me what ?

**JAKE **_(like it's really something to be pleased about): _The Number One. Top of the list. London's Most Wanted.

**MATTHEW: **Okay, cool. _(Pause). _Say that again?

**INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN**

_At Lumic's meeting, he is showing his small audience a presentation of his new plans. The diagrams on the screen demonstrate as he speaks._

**LUMIC **_(presentation voice-over)_** : **The most precious thing on this Earth is the human brain, and yet we allow it to die. But now Cybus Industries has perfected a way of sustaining the brain indefinitely within a cradle of copyrighted chemicals. And the latest advances in synapse research allow cyber-kinetic impulses to be bonded onto a metal exoskeleton. This is the ultimate upgrade. Our greatest step into cyberspace.

**PRESIDENT: **I'm sorry. Could we stop it there?

_Lumic wrenches the breathing apparatus from his face, affronted._

**PRESIDENT (CONT'D) : **I don't need the pitch. I think we all know what this "ultimate upgrade" entails. And I'm here to tell you, John, the answer is no.

_Lumic grunts._

**PRESIDENT (CONT'D) : **My government does notgive you permission. _(He stands). _And I think no government ever will.

**LUMIC : **I prepared a paper for the ethical committee.

**PRESIDENT **_(ready to leave)_** : **Oh, come on. It's not just unethical. It's obscene.

**LUMIC **_(desperate) _** : **Mr President... if I might make a personal plea. I am dying, sir.

**PRESIDENT : **I'm aware of that. And I'm very sorry.

**LUMIC : **Without this project, you have condemned me. My inventions have advanced. This whole planet... would you have all that perish ?

**PRESIDENT : **You're a fine businessman, John. But you're not God. I'm really very sorry, but I think we should end it there. Mr Tyler, I'll see you tonight. _(Pete nods). _I think we could all do with a drink. Mr Lumic.

**LUMIC : **Mr Crane ?

_Mr Crane's image appears on the screen._

**MR CRANE : **Ready and waiting, sir.

**LUMIC : **Did the override work ?

**MR CRANE : **Well, needs a bit of fine-tuning, we weren't exactly delicate given the rush, but er, yeah. Yeah. It's all working.

**INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM**

_He stands, walks away from the computer._

**MR CRANE (CONT'D) : **I've been testing the system, sir.

_He walks to the opposite end of the room where the homeless people who were abducted earlier are standing in a row, completely still as though hypnotised. They have the earpieces plugged in. Mr Lumic touches one._

**MR CRANE (CONT'D) : **They've grafted on a treat, these have. Given a little persuasion. If you care to observe, sir...

_He takes a few steps away from them, holding some sort of remote control._

**MR CRANE (CONT'D) : **And turn to the right... _(They do) _... and back to the left...

_Again, they obey._

**LUMIC **_(coldly) : _Are you having fun, Mr Crane ?

**MR CRANE **_(sheepishly) : _Oh, no, no, not at all, sir, no. It's just, well, it's er... irresistible.

**LUMIC : **Then resist. And start the upgrade.

**MR CRANE : **Did we get permission ?

**LUMIC : **I am governed by greater laws, old friend. The right of a man to survive. Now, begin !

_The screen goes static. Mr Crane turns back to the men._

**MR CRANE : **And turn to the left... _(They turn to the left) _... forward march.

_They march forward and through a door which is held open by a staff-member. The area beyond is glowing red. As they go in and disappear from sight, we hear them screaming. Mr Crane is leaning over one of the technicians shoulders at a computer terminal._

**MR CRANE (CONT'D) **_(wincing) : _Oh_, _whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's cover up that noise. Erm... give us track number 19.

_The technician obliges and "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by "Tight Fit" blares out. Mr Crane wanders into the middle of the room, content._

**INT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION, CYBER-CONVERSION FLOOR**

_The machines work on upgrading the homeless. The blades swoop down on them. We do not see what they're doing, but the music hardly covers up the screams of fear and pain._

**EXT. BATTERSEA POWERSTATION**

_Cut to the deserted corridors of the factory, and then a shot from outside. The lights from the factory reflected serenely in the water giving no indication of the monstrosity occurring inside._

**EXT. PREACHERS' HEADQUARTERS**

_The van pulls up outside a house. Jake hops out of the back first._

**JAKE: **There's a light on. There's someone inside the base.

_Mickey hops down after him._

**JAKE (CONT'D): **Mrs Moore, we've got visitors.

_The three of them sneak down the side of the house like spies, guns at the ready. They crouch just outside the door._

**JAKE (CONT'D): **One... two... three... go !

**INT. PREACHERS' HEADQUARTERS**

_They burst into the house, Mrs Moore and Jake pointing the guns. Anthony, Matthew's counterpart, is inside._

**ANTHONY: **What the hell are you doing?

_Mrs Moore and Jake look from him to Matthew, completely bewildered._

**JAKE: **What're you doing there?

**ANTHONY **_(walking slowly forwards): _What am I doing here? _(He stares at Matthew, brow furrowed). _What am I doing there?

_He points a finger at Matthew. Jake and Mrs Moore immediately spin around at turn their guns on Matthew, who raises his hands, eyes wide._

**EXT. TYLER'S MANSION**

_An expensive car pulls up outside Carl and Jackie's house. Nikko and Bella are crouched in some nearby bushes, watching._

**NIKKO: **They've got visitors.

**BELLA: **March the eleventh, my birthday. Even in a parallel universe, I still love a party.

**NIKKO: **Well, given Carl Nicholl's guest list, I wouldn't mind a look. And there is one guaranteed way of getting inside.

_He waves the psychic paper around._

**BELLA **_(excited) : _Psychic paper !

**NIKKO: **Who do you wanna be ?

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, DRAWING ROOM**

_Several waiters and waitresses enter the party from the kitchens, all holding trays of refreshments... followed by Nikko and Bella, dressed up in the same garb. A woman takes some food from Bella's plate and walks off._

**BELLA **_(under her breath): _We could've been anyone.

**NIKKO: **Got us in, didn't it?

**BELLA: **You're in charge of the psychic paper. We could've been guests. Celebrities. Sir Nikko, Dame Bella. We end up serving. I had enough of this back home.

_They both smile politely as people take champagne and cocktail sticks from their trays._

**NIKKO: **If you wanna know what's going on, work in the kitchens.

_They retreat slightly to the side of the room so they can watch the proceedings, groups of important people chatting and laughing, photographs being taken._

**NIKKO (CONT'D) **_(nodding towards the President) : _According to Lucy, that man over there...

**BELLA: **Who's Lucy?

**NIKKO: **She's carrying the salmon pinwheels.

_He nods over to a young waitress at the other side of the room._

**BELLA: **Oh, that's Lucy, is it?

**NIKKO: **... Yeah! Lucy says, that is the President of Great Britain.

**BELLA: **What, there's a President, not a Prime Minister ?

**NIKKO: **Seems so.

**BELLA: **Or maybe Lucy's just a bit thick.

_They move on their way with the trays._

**CARL **_(addressing the room as a whole) : _Excuse me ! Thank you very much. Thank you, if I could just have your attention, please?

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, HALLWAY**

_Bella follows the sound of his voice to the bottom of the large staircase. Nikko follows. Carl is standing halfway up._

**CARL: **Um, I'd just like to say, er, thank you to you all, for coming on this er, this very special occasion.

_Bella gazes up at him._

**CARL (CONT'D): **My daughter's... twenty-third.

_The crowd chortle._

**Carl (CONT'D) **_(thumbs up) : _Trust me on this...

_The crowd laugh appreciatively._

**CARL (CONT'D) : **So, without any further ado, here she is. The birthday girl... my lovely daughter ... Alex Nicholls.

_Bella strains for a look. The Doctor glances at her. Alex descends the staircase, smiling at the crowd who applaud and cheer and snap photos. Bella stares at her. Alex stands next to Carl._

**NIKKO **_(quietly, to Bella): _You can't stay. Even if there was some way of telling them.

**EXT. BATTERSEA POWER STATION**

_Mr Crane is walking outside the factory. A metallic voice rings out as the newly created Cybermen march past in an orderly line._

**CYBERMAN : **Platoon now boarding. Platoon zero-L-two boarding.

_Mr Crane addresses a staff member who is staring at them marching past._

**MR CRANE : **Stop staring.

**MAN : **Who are they, sir ?

**MR CRANE : **I'm told they're the future. Ain't technology wonderful ? Go on, get in the cab. Start her up.

**MAN : **Sir.

_He leaves. Mr Crane's phone rings._

**LUMIC : **Mr Crane, are we mobile ?

**MR CRANE : **Just about in the road, sir. And yourself ?

**LUMIC : **I'm arriving, Mr Crane. Prepare the factory.

_Mr Crane looks skywards at Lumic's zeppelin which is coming in._

**LUMIC (CONT'D): **Now, send them forth, old friend. Let the good work begin.

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, STUDY**

_Nikko is inside watching the presentation on the laptop._

**LUMIC **_(voice-over): _This is the ultimate upgrade. Our greatest step into cyberspace.

_Nikko looks horrified as he realises what this means._

**THE DOCTOR: **Cybus.

_Without a moment's hesitation, he dashes from the room._

**EXT. TYLER'S MANSION, PORCH**

_Rose stands and watches the figures marching closer. After a few moments, she turns on her heel and runs back inside._

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, DRAWING ROOM**

_The Doctor winds his way through the crowds and spots Rose; they both go to the window and look outside at the figures._

**BELLA: **What are they?

**NIKKO: **Cybermen.

_Several of them smash steel fists through the windows in order to gain entry to the house, which elicits screams from the crowd. They cower as the Cybermen step through the full-length windows. Soon, they have everyone in the room circled with no way out. The President's communication device bleeps._

**PRESIDENT **_(distastefully): _Mr Lumic.

**INT. LUMIC'S ZEPPELIN**

**LUMIC **_(in his headquarters, through comm) : _Mr President. I suppose a remark about crashing the party would be appropriate at this point.

_He laughs evilly._

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, DRAWING ROOM**

**PRESIDENT : **I forbade this.

**LUMIC : **These are my children, sir. Would you deny my family ?

**BELLA**_: _What are they? Robots?

**NIKKO: **Worse than that.

**PRESIDENT: **Who were these people?

**LUMIC: **Doesn't matter.

**BELLA: **They're people ?

**NIKKO: **They were. Until they had all their humanity taken away. It's a living brain jammed inside a cybernetic body. With a heart of steel. All emotions removed.

**BELLA: **Why no emotions?

**NIKKO: **Because it hurts.

**PRESIDENT **_(voice rising): _I demand to know, Lumic, these people, who were they?

**LUMIC: **They were homeless, wretched and useless until I saved them. And elevated them. And gave them life-eternal. And now, I leave you in their capable hands. Goodnight, sir. Goodnight, Mr President.

_He hangs up. One of the Cybermen squares itself in front of the crowd._

**CYBERMAN: **We have been upgraded.

**NIKKO: **Into what?

**CYBERMAN : **The next level of mankind. We are Human Point Two. Every citizen will receive a free upgrade. You will become like us.

**PRESIDENT: **I'm sorry. _(Approaches the Cyberman). _I'm so sorry for what's been done to you. _(Turns, walks around). _But listen to me, this experiment ends. Tonight.

**CYBERMAN: **Upgrading is compulsory.

**PRESIDENT : **And if I refuse ?

**NIKKO **_(quickly) : _Don't.

_Rose glances at him._

**PRESIDENT : **What if I refuse?

**NIKKO **_(stepping forward): _I'm telling you, don't.

**PRESIDENT **_(ignoring him) : _What happens if I refuse ?

**CYBERMAN : **Then you are not compatible.

**PRESIDENT **_(challenging) :_What happens then ?

**CYBERMAN : **You will be deleted.

_He grasps the President, whose eyes widen in shock, by the neck. He is engulfed by electric-blue light as he is killed. The crowd scream and start to run._

_The people desperately run around, looking for a way out whilst some unfortunate individuals are attacked by the Cybermen. The room is chaos; Nikko grabs Bella's hand and pulls her outside through one of the broken windows._

**EXT. TYLER'S MANSION, GROUNDS**

**NIKKO: **There's nothing we can do !

_Bella pulls away from him and tries to go back inside._

_Nikko pulls her away again._

_They run up a slope, only to be greeted by another row of Cybermen. They quickly change direction and run around the side of the house. Carl leaps out of the window._

_Carl runs after them._

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, CORRIDOR**

_She turns on her heel and runs down a corridor, pursued by the Cybermen. She hurries down a flight of stairs into a cellar._

**INT. TYLER'S MANSION, CELLAR**

_The Cyberman follows, stomping steadily down the stairs._

**EXT. TYLER'S MANSION, GROUNDS**

_They skid to a halt as they are met by another row of Cybermen and are forced to change direction, two figures run towards the house, holding guns._

_The company look around them in fear as they are surrounded by Cybermen._

**BELLA: **We're surrounded...

**NIKKO: **Put the guns down. Bullets won't stop them.

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **No ! Stop shooting, now!

_Nikko straightens and addresses the surrounding Cybermen._

**NIKKO (CONT'D): **We surrender! Hands up... _(The company put their hands up, including him) _... there's no need to damage us, we're good stock. We volunteer for the upgrade program. Take us to be processed.

**CYBERMAN: **You are rogue elements.

**NIKKO: **But we surrender.

**CYBERMAN: **You are incompatible.

**NIKKO: **But this is a surrender !

**CYBERMAN: **You will be deleted.

**NIKKO **_(shouting, frantic) : _But we're surrendering ! Listen to me, we surrender!

**CYBERMAN: **You are inferior. Man will be reborn as Cybermen but you will perish under maximum deletion.

_The Cyberman raises it's arm and reaches towards Nikko. The company look terrified._

**CYBERMAN (CONT'D) : **Delete. Delete. Delete !

_To be continued..._


	6. Episode 5 - Da Age Of Steel: Part 2

Grand Theft Fail: Episode 5 – Age Of Steel (Part 2)

**[Outside the Tyler's house]**

(Carrying on from the end of the last episode - because I can't be bothered to type up the whole recap section - Nikko points the recharging Tardis power cell at the Cybermen, who get bent backwards then atomised by the golden energy.)  
ANTHONY: What the hell was that?  
NIKKO: We'll have that instead. Run!  
(Mrs Moore sounds the van's horn.)  
MOORE: Everybody, in!  
CARL: I've got to go back. My daughter's in there.  
NIKKO: Anyone inside that house is dead. If you want to help, then don't let her die for nothing. You've got to come with us right now.  
MOORE: Come on! Get a move on!  
NIKKO: Bella!  
BELLA: I know.  
NIKKO: Come on.  
MOORE: Finished chatting? Never seen a slower getaway in my life!  
(They drive off. More legions of Cybermen are on the move.  
Inside, Alex peers round of the cellar door to see Cybermen nearby.)

**[Van]**

ANTHONY: What was that thing?  
NIKKO: Little bit of technology from my home.  
MATTHEW: It's stopped glowing. Has it run out?  
NIKKO: It's on a revitalising loop. It'll charge back up in about four hours.  
ANTHONY: Right. So, we don't have a weapon anymore.  
JAKE: Yeah, we've got weapons. Might not be one of those metal things, but they're good enough for men like him.  
BELLA: Leave him alone. What's he done wrong?  
JAKE: Oh, you know, just laid a trap that's wiped out the Government and left Lumic in charge.  
NIKKO: Talk about executions, you'll make me your enemy. And take some really good advice. You don't want to do that.  
ANTHONY: All the same, we have evidence that says Carl Nicholls has been working for Lumic since twenty point five.  
BELLA: Is that true?  
ANTHONY: Tell them, Mrs M.  
MOORE: We've got a government mole that feeds us information. Lumic's private files, his South American operations, the lot. Secret broadcasts twice a week.  
CARL: Broadcast from Gemini?  
ANTHONY: And how do you know that?  
CARL: I'm Gemini. That's me.  
ANTHONY: Yeah, well you would say that.  
CARL: Encrypted wavelength six five seven using binary nine. That's the only reason I was working for Lumic. To get information. I thought I was broadcasting to the Security Services. What do I get? Scooby Doo and his gang. They've even got the van.  
MATTHEW: No, no, no. But the Preachers know what they're doing. Anthony said he's London's Most Wanted.  
ANTHONY: Yeah, that's not exactly  
MATTHEW: Not exactly what?  
ANTHONY: I'm London's Most Wanted for parking tickets.  
CARL: Great.  
ANTHONY: Yeah, they were deliberate. I was fighting the system. Park anywhere, that's me.  
NIKKO: Good policy. I do much the same. I'm Nikko, by the way, if anyone's interested.  
BELLA: And I'm Bella. Hello.  
BELLA: I knew you weren't a traitor.  
CARL: Why is that, then?  
BELLA: I just did.  
CARL: That's even worse. Because that's what Lumic does. He takes the living and he turns them into those machines.  
NIKKO: Cybermen. They're called Cybermen. And I'd take those ear pods off, if I were you. You never know. Lumic could be listening.  
(Nikko zaps the ear pods with his sonic screwdriver.)  
NIKKO: But he's overreached himself. He's still just a businessman. He's assassinated the President. All we need to do is get to the city and inform the authorities. Because I promise you, this ends tonight.

**[Control room]**

LUMIC: My everlasting children. Tell me, how does it feel?  
CYBERMAN: We feel nothing.  
LUMIC: But in your mind, what do you think?  
CYBERMAN: We think the same. We are uniform.  
LUMIC: But you think of what?  
CYBERMAN: We think of the humans. We think of their difference and their pain. They suffer in the skin. They must be upgraded.  
LUMIC: Excellent. Then let's begin. Computer, identify John Lumic.  
COMPUTER: Voice print acknowledged.  
LUMIC: Activate ear pod primary sequence.  
COMPUTER: Please state area of activation.  
LUMIC: The City of London. I've just declared Independence. Begin transmission.  
(In a pedestrianised area, a Cybus download signal sounds and everyone stops moving. Alex receives it too in the cellar. She walks past the Cyberman and out of the cellar.)  
LUMIC: You will come to me, my dear children. The Immortal Ones.  
REPORTER [on TV]: All of London has been sealed off. There are reports of an army. An army of metal men. All citizens should remove their ear pods. I repeat, remove all ear pods. London has been placed under martial law. If you're hearing this, stay in your homes. I repeat, stay in your homes.

**[Outside Battersea Power station]**

(Crane rips off his ear pods just as the broadcast hits them.)  
CRANE: Oh no, you don't.

**[Street]**

JAKE: What the hell?  
BELLA: What's going on?  
(The people are walking like zombies.)  
NIKKO: It's the ear-pods. Lumic's taken control.  
BELLA: Can't we just, I don't know, take them off?  
NIKKO: Don't! Cause a brainstorm. Human race. For such an intelligent lot, you aren't half susceptible. Give anyone a chance to take control and you submit. Sometimes I think you like it. Easy life.  
JAKE: Hey, Come and see.  
(Around the corner are more people, and a squad of Cybermen.)  
BELLA: Where are they all going?  
NIKKO: I don't know. Lumic must have a base of operations.  
CARL: Battersea. That's where he was building his prototypes.  
BELLA: Why's he doing it?  
CARL: He's dying. This all started out as a way of prolonging life, of keeping the brain alive at any cost.  
BELLA: The thing is, I've seen Cybermen before, haven't I? The head. Those handle shapes in Van Statten's museum.  
NIKKO: Ah, there are Cybermen in our universe. They started on an ordinary world just like this, and then swarmed across the galaxy. This lot are a parallel version, and they're starting from scratch right here on Earth.  
CARL: What the hell are you two on about?  
ANTHONY: Never mind that. Come on, we need to get out of the city. Okay, split up. Mrs Moore, you look after that bloke. Jake, distract them. Go right, I'll go left. We'll meet back at Bridge Street. Move.  
MATTHEW: I'm going with him.  
MOORE: Come on, let's go.  
(More Cybermen patrols.)  
NIKKO: There!  
(They run down a side street.)

**[Industrial unit]**

MATTHEW: Which way? I don't know where we are.  
ANTHONY: Did they see us?  
MATTHEW: Do they know where we are?  
ANTHONY: I think they saw us. I bet they can see in the dark  
MATTHEW: I bet they've got satellites  
ANTHONY: I bet they saw us in the dark.  
MATTHEW + ANTHONY: They know where we are.  
ANTHONY: I don't get it. What is it with you? You are exactly like me.  
MATTHEW: I don't know, I reckon you're braver.  
ANTHONY: Oh yeah, ten times. Still, your friends aren't bad. I'll give you that.  
MATTHEW: Oh, that's Nikko and Bella. I just tag along behind.  
ANTHONY: Well, then, you're not that bad.  
MATHEW: Do you think?  
ANTHONY: Yeah, I suppose.  
(Clomp, clomp.)  
MATTHEW: Cybermen.  
MATTHEW + ANTHONY: Split up!

**[Alley]**

(A group of Cybermen march down an alley near where Mrs Moore, Carl, Bella and Nikko are hiding behind rubbish bins. Bella grabs Carl's hand. Nikko uses his sonic screwdriver to transmit a signal, and the Cybermen march on.)  
NIKKO: Go.

**[Outside Battersea Power Station]**

(Alex is amongst the stream of zombies.)  
CYBERMAN [OC]: Chamber twelve now closed for sterilisation. All reject stock will be incinerated.

**[Industrial unit]**

(Anthony and Matthew end up on opposite sides of a tall chain-link fence. The Cybermen are behind Anthony.)  
MATTHEW: Come on! Come on! Come on!  
(Anthony starts to climb the fence. A Cyberman grabs his ankle and electrocutes him.)  
MATTHEW: No!  
(Matthew and the Cybermen stare at each other in silence, then Matthew runs.)

**[Control room]**

(Crane is escorted in.)  
CYBERMAN: This one is unprogrammed.  
LUMIC: Mister Crane, I thought you were one of the faithful.  
CRANE: Oh, that I am, sir. My ear pod must've malfunctioned. For which I apologise. If I, er, might? I'd like to request an upgrade, sir. I've seen the future, and it's copyright Cybus Industries. Sign me up.  
LUMIC: A willing volunteer.  
CRANE: You've known me a long time, sir. Quite a team, you and me. I've been with you all the way. But believe me, sir, knowing you so well, I know exactly what to do.  
(Crane grabs Lumic's oxygen line then starts wrecking the life support system at the back of his wheelchair.)  
LUMIC: No! Help me!  
(A Cybermen casually tosses Crane across the room.)  
CRANE: Die, you  
(The Cyberman electrocutes Crane.)  
LUMIC: Help me!  
CYBERMAN: You are in pain. We can remove pain forever.  
LUMIC: No, not yet! I'm not ready.  
CYBERMAN: We will give you immortality.  
LUMIC: I've told you. I will upgrade only with my last breath!  
CYBERMAN: Then breathe no more.  
(The Cyberman takes remote control of the wheelchair.)  
LUMIC: No! No! I command you, no!

**[Waste ground]**

(Opposite Battersea Power Station.)  
NIKKO: The whole of London's been sealed off, and the entire population's been taken inside that place. To be converted.  
BELLA: We've got to get in there and shut it down.  
MATTHEW: How do we do that?  
NIKKO: Oh, I'll think of something.  
MATTHEW: You're just making this up as you go along.  
NIKKO: Yep. But I do it brilliantly.  
(Later, Mrs Moore has joined them and is using her Cybus Industries laptop.)  
MOORE: That's a schematic of the old factory. Look. Cooling tunnels underneath the plant. Big enough to walk through  
NIKKO: We go under there and up into the control centre?  
MOORE: Mmm.  
CARL: There's another way in. Through the front door. If they've taken Alex for upgrading, that's how she'll get in.  
JAKE: We can't just go strolling up.  
MOORE: Or we could, with these. Fake ear pods. Dead. No signal. But put them on, the Cybermen would mistake you for one of the crowd.  
CARL: Then that's my job.  
NIKKO: You'd have to show no emotion. None at all. Any sign of emotion would give you away.  
BELLA: How many of those you got?  
MOORE: Just two sets.  
BELLA: Okay. If that's the best way of finding Alex, then I'm coming with you.  
CARL: Why does she matter to you?  
BELLA: We haven't got time. Nikko, I'm going with him, and that's that.  
NIKKO: No stopping you, is there?  
BELLA: No.  
NIKKO: Tell you what. We can take the ear pods at the same time. Give people their minds back so they don't walk into that place like sheep. Jakey-boy? Lumic's transmitting the control signal. It must be from over there.  
(He waves his sonic screwdriver in the direction of the power station. The Zeppelin is parked on top, with a circle of red lights blinking on its bow, or stern.)  
NIKKO: There it is. On the zeppelin, you see? Great big transmitter. Good thing Lumic likes showing off. Reckon you could take it out?  
JAKE: Consider it done.  
NIKKO: Mrs Moore, would you care to accompany me into the cooling tunnels?  
MOORE: How could I refuse an offer of cooling tunnels?  
NIKKO: We attack on three sides. Above, between, below. We get to the control centre, we stop the conversion machines.  
MATTHEW: What about me?  
NIKKO: Matthew. You can er  
MATTHEW: What, stay out of trouble? Be the tin dog? No, those days are over. I'm going with Jake.  
JAKE: I don't need you, idiot.  
MATTHEW: I'm not an idiot! You got that? I'm offering to help.  
JAKE: Whatever.  
NIKKO: Matthew. Good luck.  
MATTHEW: Yeah, you too. Bella, I'll see you later.  
BELLA: Yeah, you'd better.  
NIKKO: If we survive this, I'll see you back at the Tardis.  
MATTHEW: That's a promise.  
NIKKO: Good luck.

**[Control room]**

(Later)  
NIKKO: I've been captured, Oh well, never mind. You okay?  
BELLA: Yeah. But they got Alex.  
CARL: We were too late. Lumic killed her.  
NIKKO: Then where is he, the famous Mister Lumic? Don't we get the chance to meet our Lord and Master?  
CYBERMAN: He has been upgraded.  
NIKKO: So he's just like you?  
CYBERMAN: He is superior. The Lumic Unit has been designated Cyber Controller.  
(A door opens and a Cyberman is wheeled out in an upgraded wheelchair.)  
LUMIC: This is The Age of Steel and I am its Creator.

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

(The Cyberman flexes its hand.)  
JAKE: It's moving! You said it was dead!  
MATTHEW: Yeah. But a robot's still a big robot. Wait a minute. Hey, Cyberman, over here. Come on, you brainless lump of metal. Come and have a go!  
(Matthew stands in front of the panel labelled Transmitter Controls and beckons to it. He ducks as the Cyberman smashes its fist into the panel and electrocutes itself.)

**[Battersea Power Station]**

(The ear pods stop flashing. The unconverted people wake up.)  
WOMAN: Oh no!  
(Screams and panic.)

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

MATTHEW: The transmitter's down!  
(The people push their way past the Cybermen and get outside.)

**[Control room]**

NIKKO: That's my friends at work. Good boys! Mister Lumic, I think that's a vote for free will.  
LUMIC: I have factories waiting on seven continents. If the ear pods have failed, then the Cybermen will take humanity by force. London has fallen. So shall the world.

**[Control room]**

LUMIC: I will bring peace to the world. Everlasting peace  
LUMIC: And unity and uniformity.  
NIKKO: And imagination? What about that? The one thing that lead you here, imagination, you're killing it dead!  
LUMIC: What is your name?  
NIKKO: I'm Nikko.  
LUMIC: A redundant title. Doctors need not exist. Cybermen never sicken.  
NIKKO: Yeah, but that's it. That's exactly the point! Oh, Lumic, you're a clever man. I'd call you a genius, except I'm in the room. But everything you've invented, you did to fight your sickness. And that's brilliant. That is so human. But once you get rid of sickness and mortality, then what's there to strive for, eh? The Cybermen won't advance. You'll just stop. You'll stay like this forever. A metal Earth with metal men and metal thoughts, lacking the one thing that makes this planet so alive. People. Ordinary, stupid, brilliant people.  
LUMIC: You are proud of your emotions.  
NIKKO: Oh, yes.  
LUMIC: Then tell me. Have you known grief, and rage, and pain?  
NIKKO: Yes. Yes I have.  
LUMIC: And they hurt?  
NIKKO: Oh, yes.  
LUMIC: I could set you free. Would you not want that? A life without pain?  
NIKKO: You might as well kill me.  
LUMIC: Then I take that option.  
NIKKO: It's not yours to take. You're a Cyber Controller. You don't control me or anything with blood in its heart.  
LUMIC: You have no means of stopping me. I have an army. A species of my own.  
NIKKO: You just don't get it, do you? An army's nothing. Because those ordinary people, they're the key. The most ordinary person could change the world.  
(Nikko speaks to the camera with the flashing red light.)

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

NIKKO [on monitor]: Some ordinary man or woman, some idiot. All it takes is for him to find, say,

**[Control room]**

NIKKO: The right numbers. Say the right codes. Say, for example, the code behind the emotional inhibitor. The code right in front of him.

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

NIKKO [on monitor]: Because even an idiot knows how to use computers these days.

**[Control room]**

NIKKO: Knows how to get past firewalls and passwords. Lnows how to find something encrypted in the Lumic Family Database, under er. What was it, Pete? Binary what?  
PETE: Binary nine.

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

MATTHEW: Binary Nine.  
NIKKO [on monitor]: An idiot could find that code. Cancellation code.

**[Control room]**

NIKKO: And he'd keep on typing.

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

NIKKO [on monitor]: Keep on fighting. Anything to save his friends.

**[Control room]**

LUMIC: Your words are irrelevant.  
NIKKO: Yeah, talk too much, that's my problem. Lucky I got you that cheap tariff, Bella, for our entire long chats.

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

(6879760 on the monitor.)  
NIKKO [on monitor]: On your phone.  
MATTHEW: The phone.

**[Control room]**

LUMIC: You will be deleted.  
NIKKO: Yes. Delete, control, hash. All those lovely buttons. Then, of course, my particular favourite, send. And let's not forget how you seduced all those ordinary people in the first place.  
(Bella's phone beeps. The code has arrived as a text.)  
NIKKO: By making every bit of technology compatible with everything else.  
BELLA: It's for you.  
NIKKO: Like this.  
(Nikko puts the phone into a docking station, which it miraculously fits. The code is transmitted and the Cybermen cry out in pain. The code appears on every computer screen.)

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

MATTHEW + JAKE: Yes!

**[Control room]**

(Cybermen everywhere clutch their heads in pain. One near the Nikko catches sight of itself in a shiny piece of metal.)  
NIKKO: I'm sorry.  
(Outside, a Cyberman's head explodes.)  
LUMIC: What have you done?  
NIKKO: I gave them back their souls. They can see what you've done, Lumic, and it are killing them!  
(Nikko, Bella and Carl run out.)  
LUMIC: Delete! Delete! Delete!

**[Battersea Power Station]**

(Things start to explode. The emergency exit is blocked by writhing Cybermen. More explosions and fire breaks out.)  
NIKKO: There's no way out!

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

(Jake spins the Zeppelin's wheel.)  
MATTHEW: What're you doing?  
JAKE: We've got to get away. If that factory blows up, this balloon's going to ignite.  
MATTHEW: Take it back!  
JAKE: Matthew, they've had it!  
MATTHEW: I said, take it back! We're not leaving them behind. There's no way we're leaving them behind!  
(They fight over the wheel. Matthew wins. The Zeppelin returns to the roof and Matthew gives Jake his phone to put by his ear.)  
MATTHEW: Hold it! Bella? Bella, can you hear me? Head for the roof!

**[Battersea Power Station]**

BELLA: It's Matthew. He says head for the roof.

**[Control room]**

(Cyber Lumic disconnects himself from the chair and stands.)  
LUMIC: No!

**[Power Station roof]**

(Bella is on the phone.)  
BELLA: Matthew, where'd you learn to fly that thing?

**[Lumic's Zeppelin]**

MATTHEW: Playstation. Just hold on, Bella. I'm coming to get you.  
JAKE: You can't go any lower.  
MATTHEW: I've got to.  
JAKE: You're going to crush them.  
MATTHEW: There's got to be something. There's got to be. Oh, yes.  
(In case of emergency pull lever. So he does. A trapdoor opens up in ZEP148 and a rope ladder falls out.)

**[Power station roof]**

CARL: You've got to be kidding.  
MATTHEW: Bella, get up.

**[Rope ladder]**

(The Zeppelin rises into the air.)  
BELLA: We did it! We did it!  
(Something heavy pulls at the ladder, nearly making them lose their grip. It is Cyber Lumic. Nikko gets the screwdriver out.)  
NIKKO: Carl! Take this! Use it! Hold the button down! Press it against the rope. Just do it!  
(The rope finally gives way and Lumic falls.)  
LUMIC: Argh!  
(He is engulfed in the exploding Power Station.)

**[Lambeth Pier]**

MATTHEW: Here it is. I found it. Not a crease.  
NIKKO: My suit! Good man. Now then, Jake, we've got to run. But one more thing. Mrs Moore. Her real name was Angela Price. She's got a husband out there, and children. Find them. Tell them how she died saving the world.  
JAKE: Yeah, course I will.  
NIKKO: Off we go, then. To find Macy.

**[Tardis]**

(The door slams shut on its own and the time rotor activates, throwing everyone around.)  
NIKKO: What? What?  
BELLA: Nikko, don't you dare!  
NIKKO: No, no, no. I didn't touch anything. We're in flight. It's not me.  
MACY: Where are we going?  
NIKKO: I don't know. It's out of control!


	7. Episode 6 - Our Daughter

GRAND THEFT FAIL

SERIES TWO

EPISODE SIX

THE DAUGHTER OF US

**[Tardis]**

(Everyone is hanging on to the console.)  
MACY: What the hell's it doing?  
NIKKO: The control's not working. I don't know where we're going.  
MACY: You are completely impossible.  
NIKKO: Not impossible. Just a bit unlikely.  
(There's a bang, and sparks, then stillness and peace. Nikko runs outside.)

**[Tunnel entrance]**

(It looks like a junk yard in a railway arch at night.)  
NIKKO: Why would the Tardis bring us here, then?  
BELLA: Oh, I love this bit. It's that feeling you get.  
MACY: Like you swallowed a hamster?  
CLINE: Don't move! Stay where you are! Drop your weapons.  
(Three men are pointing rifles at them, so they raise their hands.)  
NIKKO: We're unarmed. Look, no weapons. Never any weapons. We're safe.  
SOLDIER: Look at their hands. They're clean.  
CLINE: All right, process them. Him first.  
(Two soldiers take Nikko.)  
NIKKO: Oi, oi. What's wrong with clean hands?  
BELLA: What's going on?  
(Nikko is taken to a machine and his right arm is pushed inside it.)  
MACY: Leave him alone.  
(Something inside grabs his arm.)  
NIKKO: Something tells me this isn't about to check my blood pressure. Argh!  
(It clearly hurts.)  
MACY: What are you doing to him?  
CLINE: Everyone gets processed.  
NIKKO: It's taken a tissue sample. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. And extrapolated it. Some kind of accelerator?  
(Nikko is released.)  
BELLA: Are you all right?  
(There is a graze on the back of his hand.)  
NIKKO: What on earth? That's just  
(A pair of glass and metal doors open and a figure steps out from the steam of the brightly lit interior. She is a skinny blonde woman in combat boots and trousers, and a khaki t-shirt.)  
CLINE: Arm yourself.  
(He hands the newcomer a rifle.)  
BELLA: Where did she come from?  
NIKKO: From me.  
MACY: From you?. How? Who is she?  
(The woman checks the rifle is ready for use.)  
NIKKO: Well, she's, well, she's our daughter, Bella.  
(The real-life daughter of 5th Doctor Peter Davison smiles and speaks.)  
JENNY: Hello, Dad.  
CLINE: You primed to take orders? Ready to fight?  
JENNY: Instant mental download of all strategic and military protocols, sir. Generation five thousand soldier primed and in peak physical health. Oh, I'm ready.  
(She takes her place with Cline and the other soldiers at a barricade.)  
BELLA: Did you say daughter?  
NIKKO: Mmm. Technically.  
BELLA: Technically how?  
NIKKO: Progenation. Reproduction from a single organism. Means one parent is biological mother and father. You take a sample of diploid cells, split them into haploids, then recombine them in a different arrangement and grow. Very quickly, apparently.  
JENNY: Something's coming.  
(There are shadows on the tunnel wall. As they come into view, the figures start firing.)  
CLINE: It's the Hath!  
(They return fire.)  
JENNY: Get down!  
(Nikko, Bella and Macy take cover. The Hath are wearing breathing masks, but we can see they have big fish eyes and very wrinkled necks.)  
CLINE: We have to blow the tunnel. Get the detonator.  
NIKKO: I'm not detonating anything.  
(Nikko goes to help a wounded soldier. The Hath breach the barricade and one grabs Macy. Jenny takes on another hand to hand, then gets the detonator.)  
CLINE: Blow the thing! Blow the thing!  
NIKKO: Macy! No. Don't.  
(Jenny hits the button. A klaxon sounds and everyone runs before the big KaBOOM brings down the roof.)  
NIKKO: You've sealed off the tunnel. Why did you do that?  
JENNY: They were trying to kill us.  
NIKKO: But they've got my friend.  
JENNY: Collateral damage. At least you've still got her. He lost both his men. I'd say you came out ahead.  
BELLA: Her name's Macy. And she's not collateral damage, not for anyone. Have you got that, GI Jane?  
NIKKO: I'm going to find her.  
CLINE: You're going nowhere. You don't make sense, you two. No guns, no marks, no fight in you. I'm taking you to General Cobb. Now, move. 

**[Tunnel]**

(Deeper underground.)  
BELLA: I'm Bella. What's you name?  
JENNY: Don't know. It's not been assigned.  
BELLA: Well, if you don't know that, what do you know?  
JENNY: How to fight.  
BELLA: Nothing else?  
NIKKO: The machine must embed military history and tactics, but no name. She's a generated anomaly.  
BELLA: Generated anomaly. Generated. Well, what about that? Jenny.  
JENNY: Jenny. Yeah, I like that. Jenny.  
BELLA: What do you think?  
NIKKO: Good as anything, I suppose.  
BELLA: Not what you'd call a natural parent, are you?  
NIKKO: They stole a tissue sample at gunpoint and processed it. It's not what I call natural parenting. You can't extrapolate a relationship from a biological accident.  
BELLA: Er, Child Support Agency can.  
NIKKO: Look, just because I share certain physiological traits with simian primates doesn't make me a monkey's uncle, does it?  
JENNY: I'm not a monkey. Or a child.

**[Camp]**

(A large room with a slightly domed roof and a gallery. There are more clone chambers here. The ambient lighting is red.)  
NIKKO: So, where are we? What planet's this?  
CLINE: Messaline. Well, what's left of it.  
TANNOY: Six six three seventy five deceased. Generation six six seven one, extinct. Generation six six seven two, forty six deceased. Generation six six eight zero, fourteen deceased. Generation six  
BELLA: But this is a theatre.  
NIKKO: Maybe they're doing Miss Saigon.  
BELLA: It's like a town or a city underground. But why?  
(A man with a neatly trimmed white beard approaches.)  
NIKKO: General Cobb, I presume.  
COBB: Found in the western tunnels, I'm told, with no marks. There was an outbreak of pacifism in the eastern zone three generations back, before we lost contact. Is that where you came from?  
BELLA: Eastern zone, that's us, yeah. Yeah. I'm Nikko, this is Bella.  
JENNY: And I'm Jenny.  
COBB: Don't think you can infect us with your peacemaking. We're committed to the fight, to the very end.  
NIKKO: Well, that's all right. I can't stay, anyway. I've got to go and find my friend.  
COBB: That's not possible. All movement is regulated. We're at war.  
NIKKO: Yes, I noticed. With the Hath. But tell me, because we got a bit out of circulation, eastern zone and all that. So who exactly are the Hath?  
COBB: Back at the dawn of this planet, these ancient halls were carved from the earth. Our ancestors dreamt of a new beginning. A colony where human and Hath would work and live together.  
NIKKO: So what happened?  
COBB: The dream died. Broken, along with Hath promises. They wanted it all for themselves. But those early pioneers, they fought back. They used the machines to produce soldiers instead of colonists, and began this battle for survival.  
BELLA: There's nothing but earth outside, why's that? Why build everything underground?  
CLINE: The surface is too dangerous.  
BELLA: Well, then why build windows in the first place? And what does this mean?  
(601707 something on a plaque.)  
COBB: The rites and symbols of our ancestors. The meaning's lost in time.  
NIKKO: How long's this war gone on for?  
COBB: Longer than anyone can remember. Countless generations marked only by the dead.  
BELLA: What, fighting all this time?  
JENNY: Because we must. Every child of the machine is born with this knowledge. It's our inheritance. It's all we know. How to fight, and how to die.

**[Camp]**

NIKKO: Does this show the entire city, including the Hath zones?  
COBB: Yes. Why?  
NIKKO: Well, it'll help us find Macy.  
CLINE: We've more important things to do. The progenation machines are powered down for the night shift, but soon as they're active, we could breed a whole platoon from you two.  
BELLA: I'm not having sons and daughters by some great big flipping machine. Sorry, no offence, but you're not. Well, I mean, you're not real.  
JENNY: You're no better than him. I have a body, I have a mind, I have independent thought. How am I not real? What makes you better than me?  
COBB: Well said, soldier. We need more like you, if ever we're to find the Source.  
NIKKO: Ooo, the Source. What's that, then? What's a Source? I like a Source. What is it?  
COBB: The Breath of Life.  
NIKKO: And that would be?  
CLINE: In the beginning, the great one breathed life into the universe. And then she looked at what she'd done, and she sighed.  
JENNY: She. I like that.  
NIKKO: Right. So it's a creation myth.  
COBB: It's not myth. It's real. That sigh. From the beginning of time it was caught and kept as the Source. It was lost when the war started. But it's here, somewhere. Whoever holds the Source controls the destiny of the planet.  
(Nikko makes the map buzz.)  
NIKKO: Ah! I thought so. There's a suppressed layer of information in this map. If I can just  
(He uses his sonic screwdriver on it, and up come more tunnels and chambers.)  
BELLA: What is it, what's it mean?  
NIKKO: See? A whole complex of tunnels hidden from sight.

**[Camp]**

COBB: That must be the lost temple. The Source will be inside. You've shown us the way. And look, we're closer than the Hath. It's ours.

**[Camp]**

COBB: Tell them to prepare to move out. We'll progenate new soldiers on the morning shift, then we march. Once we reach the Temple, peace will be restored at long last.  
NIKKO: Er, call me old-fashioned, but if you really wanted peace, couldn't you just stop fighting?  
COBB: Only when we have the Source. It'll give us the power to erase every stinking Hath from the face of this planet.  
NIKKO: Hang on, hang on. A second ago it was peace in our time. Now you're talking about genocide.  
COBB: For us, that means the same thing.  
NIKKO: Then you need to get yourself a better dictionary. When you do, look up genocide. You'll see a little picture of me there, and the caption will read, over my dead body.  
COBB: And you're the one who showed us the path to victory. But you can consider the irony from your prison cell. Cline, at arms.  
BELLA: Oi, oi, oi. All right. Cool the beans, Rambo.  
COBB: Take them. I won't have them spreading treason. And if you try anything, Nikko, I'll see that your woman dies first.  
CLINE: Come on. This way.  
NIKKO: I'm going to stop you, Cobb. You need to know that.  
COBB: I have an army and the Breath of God on my side. What'll you have?  
NIKKO: This.  
(His brain.)  
COBB: Lock them up and guard them.  
CLINE: What about the new soldier?  
COBB: Can't trust her. She's from pacifist stock. Take them all.

**[Cell]**

(A large cage, numbered 60120716.)  
BELLA: More numbers. They've got to mean something.  
NIKKO: Makes as much sense as the Breath of Life story.  
JENNY: You mean that's not true?  
BELLA: No, it's a myth. Isn't it?  
NIKKO: Yes, but there could still be something real in that temple. Something that's become a myth. A piece of technology, a weapon.  
BELLA: So the Source could be a weapon and we've just given directions to Captain Nutjob?  
NIKKO: Oh, yes.  
BELLA: Not good, is it?  
NIKKO: That's why we need to get out of here, find Macy and stop Cobb from slaughtering the Hath. What, what are you, what are you, what are you staring at?  
JENNY: You keep insisting you're not a soldier, but look at you, drawing up strategies like a proper general.  
NIKKO: No, no. I'm trying to stop the fighting.  
JENNY: Isn't every soldier?  
NIKKO: Well, I suppose, but that's, that's. Technically, I haven't got time for this. Bella, give me your phone. Time for an upgrade.  
JENNY: And now you've got a weapon.  
NIKKO: It's not a weapon.  
JENNY: But you're using it to fight back. I'm going to learn so much from you. You are such a soldier.  
NIKKO: Bella, will you tell her?  
BELLA: Oh, you are speechless. I'm loving this. You keep on, Jenny.  
(Nikko sonics Bella's phone and calls Macy.)

**[Cell]**

SOLDIERS [OC]: To war!  
NIKKO: They're getting ready to move out. We have to get past that guard.  
JENNY: I can deal with him.  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no. You're not going anywhere.  
JENNY: What?  
NIKKO: You belong here with them.  
BELLA: She belongs with us. With you. She's our daughter.  
NIKKO: She's a soldier. She came out of that machine.  
BELLA: Oh yes, I know that bit. Listen, have you got that stethoscope? Give it to me. Come on.  
JENNY: What are you doing?  
BELLA: It's all right. Just hold still.  
(Bella listens to Jenny's chest.)  
BELLA: Come here. Listen, and then tell me where she belongs.  
NIKKO: Two hearts.  
BELLA: Exactly.  
JENNY: What's going on?  
BELLA: Does that mean she's a, what do you call a female Time Lord?  
JENNY: What's a Time Lord?  
NIKKO: It's who we are. It's where we're from.  
JENNY: And I'm from you.  
**  
[Stairs]**

(There is a guard on the lower flight of metal stairs.)  
NIKKO: That's the way out.  
(Jenny raises the pistol.)  
NIKKO: Don't you dare.  
BELLA: Let me distract this one. I have picked up a few womanly wiles over the years.  
NIKKO: Let's save your wiles for later. In case of emergency.  
(Nikko rummages in his coat pockets, and a few moments later a clockwork mouse grinds to a halt behind the guard. He picks it up and Jenny karate chops him from behind.)  
NIKKO: I was going to distract him, not clobber him.  
JENNY: Well, it worked, didn't it?  
NIKKO: They must all have a copy of that new map. Just stay there. Don't hurt anyone.

**[Tunnel]**

(Nikko checks the map he took from the guard.)  
NIKKO: Wait. This is it. The hidden tunnel. There must be a control panel.  
BELLA: It's another one of those numbers. They're everywhere.  
(60120714.)  
NIKKO: The original builders must have left them. Some old cataloguing system.  
BELLA: You got a pen? Bit of paper? Because, do you see, the numbers are counting down. This one ends in one four. The prison cell said one six.  
JENNY: Always thinking, both of you. Who are you people?  
NIKKO: I told you. I'm Nikko.  
JENNY: Nikko. That's it?  
JENNY: So, you don't have a name either? Are you an anomaly, too?  
NIKKO: No.  
BELLA: Oh, come off it. You're the most anomalous bloke I've ever met.  
(Nikko gets into the control panel.)  
NIKKO: Here it is.  
JENNY: And Time Lords. What are they for, exactly?  
NIKKO: For? They're not, they're not for anything.  
JENNY: So what do you do?  
NIKKO: I travel through time and space.  
BELLA: He saves planets, rescues civilisations, defeats terrible creatures. And runs a lot. Seriously, there's an outrageous amount of running involved.  
(The door opens.)  
NIKKO: Got it!  
COBB [OC]: Squad five, with me.  
NIKKO: Now, what were you saying about running?

**[Passageway]**

(Nikko stops running just before the array of laser beams criss-crossing the passage.)  
BELLA: That's not mood lighting, is it?  
(Nikko tosses the clockwork mouse into the lasers. It gets disintegrated.)  
BELLA: No, I didn't think so.  
NIKKO: Arming device.  
(He works on a blue box nearby.)  
BELLA: There's more of these. Always eight numbers, counting down the closer we get.  
(60120713.)  
NIKKO: Right, here we go.  
BELLA: You'd better be quick.  
COBB [OC]: Corridor.  
JENNY: The General.  
NIKKKO: Where are you going?  
JENNY: I can hold them up.  
NIKKO: No, we don't need any more dead.  
JENNY: But it's them or us.  
NIKKO: It doesn't mean you have to kill them.  
JENNY: I'm trying to save your life.  
NIKKO: Listen to me. The killing. After a while, it infects you. And once it does, you're never rid of it.  
JENNY: We don't have a choice.  
NIKKO: We always have a choice.  
JENNY: I'm sorry.  
NIKKO: Jenny.  
SOLDIER [OC]: This door, now.  
(Jenny runs around the corner and readies a machine gun at the approaching voices.)  
SOLDIER [OC]: There she is. At arms. Fire!  
(Jenny exchanges gunfire with Cobb and his soldiers.)  
NIKKO: I told you. Nothing but a soldier.  
BELLA: She's trying to help.  
(Jenny ducks out of sight to think.)  
NIKKO [OC]: Jenny, come on.  
JENNY: I'm coming.  
COBB: Cease fire. Cease fire.  
(The lasers go out.)  
BELLA: That's it.  
NIKKO: Jenny, leave it! Let's go.  
(Nikko and Bella run down the corridor.)  
COBB: You're a child of the machine. You're on my side. Join us. Join us in the war against the Hath. It's in your blood, girl. Don't deny it.  
(Jenny stands and takes aim, then shoots a hole in a steam pipe above Cobb before running back.)  
NIKKO: Jenny, come on. That's it.  
BELLA: Hurry up.  
(The lasers reappear.)  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no, no, no. The circuit's looped back.  
BELLA: Zap it back again.  
NIKKO: The controls are back there.  
JENNY: They're coming.  
NIKKO: Wait. Just. There isn't. Jenny, I can't  
JENNY: I'll have to manage on my own. Watch and learn, Father.  
(Jenny throws away the weapon and somersaults her way through the laser beams.)  
BELLA: No way. But that was impossible.  
NIKKO: Not impossible. Just a bit unlikely. Brilliant! You were brilliant. Brilliant.  
JENNY: I didn't kill him. General Cobb, I could have kill him but I didn't. You were right. I had a choice.  
(Cobb and the soldiers appear at the other side of the lasers. Bella and Jenny run.)  
COBB: At arms.  
NIKKO: I warned you, Cobb. If the Source is a weapon, I'm going to make sure you never use it.  
COBB: One of us is going to die today and it won't be me.  
(Nikko runs away from the hail of bullets.)

**[Corridor]**

JENNY: So, you travel together, but you're not together and what's it like, the travelling?  
BELLA: Oh, never a dull moment. It can be terrifying, brilliant and funny, sometimes all at the same time. I've seen some amazing things though. Whole new worlds.  
JENNY: Oh, I'd love to see new worlds.  
BELLA: You will. Won't she, Nikko?  
NIKKO: Hmm?  
BELLA: Do you think Jenny will see any new worlds?  
NIKKO: I suppose so.  
JENNY: You mean. You mean you'll take me with you?  
NIKKO: Well, we can't leave you here, can we?  
JENNY: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Come on, let's get a move on.  
NIKKO: Careful, there might be traps.  
BELA: Kids. They never listen. Oh, I know that look. I see it a lot round our way. Blokes with pushchairs and frowns. You've got dad-shock.  
NIKKO: Dad-shock?  
BELLA: Sudden unexpected fatherhood. Take a bit of getting used to.  
NIKKO: No, it's not that.  
BELLA: Well, what is it then? Having Jenny in the Tardis, is that it? What's she going to do, cramp your style? Like you've got a sports car and she's going to turn it into a people-carrier?  
(Gunfire. Jenny runs back.)  
JENNY: They've blasted through the beams. Time to run again. Love the running. Yeah?  
NIKKO: Love the running.  
(Up on the surface, Martha can see the protruding construction of the Temple.)  
BELLA: We're trapped.  
NIKKO: Can't be. This must be the Temple. This is a door.  
(60120712.)  
BELLA: And again. We're down to one two now  
NIKKO: I've got it!  
JENNY: I can hear them.  
NIKKO: Nearly done.  
BELLA: These can't be a cataloguing system.  
JENNY: They're getting closer.  
NIKKO: Then get back here.  
BELLA: They're too similar. Too familiar.  
JENNY: Not yet.  
NIKKO: Now! Got it.  
(Nikko gets the plain door open and they go through. A similar door opens for Macy on the surface.)  
JENNY: They're coming. Close the door.

**[Spaceship]**

(Nikko locks the door.)  
JENNY: Oh, that was close.  
NIKKO: No fun otherwise.  
BELLA: It's not what I'd call a temple.  
JENNY: It looks more like  
NIKKO: Fusion drive transport. It's a spaceship.  
BELLA: What, the original one? The one the first colonists arrived in?  
NIKKO: Well, it could be, but the power cells would have run down after all that time. This one's still powered-up and functioning. Come on.  
(They head up a flight of stairs to see someone is cutting their way through another door.)  
JENNY: It's the Hath. That door's not going to last much longer. And if General Cobb gets through down there, war's going to break out.  
NIKKO: Look, look, look, look, look. Ship's log.  
(The screen says Messaline Leader One mission log designation XG2482942-372.)  
NIKKO: (reads) First wave of Human/Hath co-colonisation of planet Messaline.  
(Core subterranean deployment successful. Online and active. Phase one initiated. Construction drones deployed. Construction of sections 1A, 1B, 2A, 2B, 3C & 3D complete. Phase one in progress. Construction drones active. Construction of sections 1C, 1D, 2C, 2D, 3A & 3C complete.)  
JENNY: So it is the original ship.  
BELLA: What happened?  
NIKKO: Phase one, construction. They used robot drones to build the city.  
BELLA: But does it mention the war?  
(Nikko scrolls down through Phase One in progress. Construction of western quadrant complete. Phase two initiated. Commencing colonisation protocol 0.7. Designated pioneer progenation in progress. Mission commander quarantined due to eruption of byzantine fever. Prognosis negative.  
NIKKO: Final entry. (reads) Mission commander dead. Still no agreement on who should assume leadership. Hath and humans have divided into factions. That must be it. A power vacuum. The crew divided into two factions and turned on each other. Start using the progenation machines, suddenly you've got two armies fighting a never-ending war.  
JENNY: Two armies who are now both outside.  
BELLA: Look at that.  
(60120724 on a display above a screen showing the whole planet.)  
NIKKO: It's like the numbers in the tunnels.  
BELLA: No, no, no, no. But listen, I spent six months working as a temp in Hounslow Library, and I mastered the Dewey Decimal System in two days flat. I'm good with numbers. It's staring us in the face.  
JENNY: What is?  
BELLA: It's the date. Assuming the first two numbers are some big old space date, then you've got year, month, day. It's the other way round, like it is in America  
NIKKO: Oh! It's the New Byzantine Calendar.  
BELLA: The codes are completion dates for each section. They finish it, they stamp the date on. So the numbers aren't counting down, they're going out from here, day by day, as the city got built.  
NIKKO: Yes. Oh, good work, Bella.  
BELLA: Yeah. But you're still not getting it. The first number I saw back there, was sixty twelve oh seven seventeen. Well, look at the date today.  
NIKKO: Oh seven twenty four. No.  
JENNY: What does it mean?  
NIKKO: Seven days.  
BELLA: That's it. Seven days.  
NIKKO: Just seven days.  
JENNY: What do you mean, seven days?  
NIKKO: Seven days since war broke out.  
BELLA: This war started seven days ago. Just a week. A week!  
JENNY: They said years.  
BELLA: No, they said generations. And if they're all like you, and they're products of those machines  
NIKKO: They could have twenty generations in a day. Each generation gets killed in the war, passes on the legend. Oh, Bella, you're a genius.  
JENNY: But all the buildings, the encampments. They're in ruins.  
NIKKO: No, they're not ruined. They're just empty. Waiting to be populated. Oh, they've mythologised their entire history. The Source must be part of that too. Come on.  
MACY: Doctor!  
NIKKO: Macy! Oh, I should have known you wouldn't stay away from the excitement.  
MACY: Bella.  
BELLA: Oh, you're filthy. What happened?.  
MACY: I, er, took the surface route.  
COBB [OC]: Positions.  
NIKKO: That's the General. We haven't got much time.  
BELLA: We don't even know what we're looking for.  
MACY: Is it me, or can you smell flowers?  
COBB [OC]: Maintain defensive positions.  
NIKKO: Yes. Bougainvillea. I say we follow our nose.  
COBB [OC]: Squads seven to ten, advance. With me.

**[Hydroponics]**

(Jenny takes the bullet Cobb intends for the Nikko. He lays her on the ground.)  
NIKKO: Jenny? Jenny. Talk to me, Jenny.  
BELLA: Is she going to be all right?  
(Macy shakes her head.)  
JENNY: A new world. It's beautiful.  
NIKKO: Jenny, be strong now. You need to hold on, do you hear me? We've got things to do, you and me, hey? Hey? We can go anywhere. Everywhere. You choose.  
JENNY: That sounds good.  
NIKKO: You're my daughter, and we've only just got started. You're going to be great. You're going to be more than great. You're going to be amazing. You hear me? Jenny?  
(Jenny dies in Nikko's arms.)  
NIKKO: Two hearts. Two hearts. She's like me. If we wait. If we just wait.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Jenny was the reason for the Tardis bringing us here. It just got here too soon, which then created Jenny in the first place. Paradox. An endless paradox. Time to get Matthew?  
MACY: Yeah.

**[Camp]**

(Cline and a Hath are putting a pillow under Jenny's head and a sheet over her body when her mouth opens and golden regeneration energy comes out. She gasps and her new eyes open.)  
JENNY: Hello, boys.

**[Corridor]**

CLINE: The shuttle. Jenny?

**[Shuttle]**

CLINE [OC]: What're you doing? Come back.  
JENNY: Sorry. Can't stop. What you going to do

**[Corridor]**

JENNY [OC] Tell my mum and dad?  
CLINE: But where are you going?

**[Shuttle]**

JENNY: Oh, I've got the whole universe.  
(The shuttle takes off into the sky.)  
JENNY: Planets to save, civilisations to rescue, creatures to defeat, and an awful lot of running to do.


	8. Episode 7 - Unicorns And Wasps

_GRAND THEFT FAIL  
SERIES TWO  
EPISODE 7  
UNICORNS AND WASPS_

_The peace and quiet of the garden of a manor house is disturbed by the sound of the TARDIS materializing. Nikko steps out, followed by Bella; Matthew and Macy . There's a loud buzz as they walk towards the house._

**NIKKO**  
Smell that air. Grass and lemonade ... and a little bit of mint. A hint of mint must be the 1920s.

**MACY**  
You can tell what year it is just by smelling?

**NIKKO**  
Oh yeah!

**BELLA**  
Or maybe that big vintage car coming up the drive gave it away.

_A vintage car pulls up at the entrance to the manor. The butler, Greeves and a young footman, Davenport comes out of the house._

**GREEVES**  
The Professor's baggage, Richard, step lively!

_Davenport goes for the baggage, while Professor Peach steps out of the car and walks to the entrance._

**GREEVES****  
**Good afternoon, Professor Peach.

**PROFESSOR PEACH**  
Hello, Greeves old man.

_A vicar rides up the drive on his bike._

**PROFESSOR PEACH**  
Ah, Reverend.

**REVEREND**  
Professor Peach! Beautiful day._ (he gets off the bike) _The lord's in his heaven, all's right with the world.

**GREEVES**  
Revered Golightly. Lady Eddison requests you make yourselves comfortable in your rooms. Cocktails will be served on the lawn from half past four.

**PROFESSOR PEACH**  
You go on up, I have to check something in the library.

**REVEREND****  
**Oh?

**PROFESSOR PEACH**  
Alone.

**REVEREND**  
This is supposed to be a party! All this work will be the death of you.

_During this, Nikko, Matthew, Macy and Bella have been hiding in a bush, listening in on the conversation._

**MACY**  
Never mind Planet Zog, a party in the 1920s, that's more like it!

**NIKKO**  
Problem is, we haven't been invited. _(He gets the psychic paper out, grinning)_ Oh I forgot, yes we have!

***  
_In the library, Professor Peach is examining a piece of paper closely with his spectacles on._

**PROFESSOR PEACH**  
I was right! Kept secret all these years, it's unbelievable. But why didn't they ask ... Heavens!

_He notices someone coming up to him, but then he relaxes._

**PROFESSOR PEACH**  
Oh, it's you. I was just doing a little research. I say, what are you doing with that lead piping?

_Buzzing, a giant wasp closes in on Professor Peach._

**PROFESSOR PEACH**  
But that's impossible!

*******  
_Nikko and Matthew taps on the TARDIS doors impatiently._

**NIKKO**  
We'll be late for cocktails!

_Bella and Macy step out of the TARDIS wearing a 1920s style brown dress. _

**MACY**  
What d'you think?

_Nikko and Matthew look them up and down enquiringly, but then smiles as Nikko speaks, linking arms with Bella._

**NIKKO**  
You look lovely!

***  
_In the garden of the manor, a footman adjusts the music player. Classical music plays as Miss Chandrakala claps impatiently at the staff, noticing the Doctor and Donna heading for them._

**MISS CHANDRAKALA**  
Look sharp, we have guests!

**NIKKO **_(waving)_  
Good afternoon!

_Davenport walks over to serve them. _

**DAVENPORT**  
Drinks sirs? Madam's?

**MACY**  
Sidecar, please.

**NIKKO**  
And a lime and soda, thank you.

_Davenport walks away while Greeves introduces Lady Eddison. _

**GREEVES**  
May I announce, Lady Clemency Eddison.

_Lady Eddison walks over to greet Nikko and Bella. Nikko holds his hand out for a shake. _

**NIKKO**  
Lady Eddison.

**LADY EDDISON**  
Forgive me, but who exactly might you be... and what are you doing here?

**NIKKO**  
I'm Nikko. And this is Miss Bella Nicholls.

**BELLA **_(putting on a posh accent)_  
Good afternoon, my lady. Topping day, what? Spiffing! Top hole!

**N****IKKO**  
No no no no, no. Don't do that, don't.

_He gets out the psychic paper and presents it to Lady Eddison._

**NIKKO**  
We were thrilled to receive your invitation, my lady. We met at the Ambassador's reception.

**LADY EDDISON**  
Nikko, how could I forget you? But one must be sure with the Unicorn on the loose.

**NIKKO**  
A unicorn? Brilliant! Where?

**LADY EDDISON**  
_The_ Unicorn. The jewel thief. And nobody knows who he is. He's just struck again, snatched Lady Babbington's pearls right from under her nose.

**BELLA**  
Funny place to wear pearls.

_Greeves introduces two newcomers, and elderly man in wheelchair and a young man pushing him._

**GREEVES**  
May I announce, the Colonel Hugh Curbishley,the Honourable Roger Curbishley.

**LADY EDDISON**  
My husband. And my son.

**COLONEL**  
Forgive me for not rising. Never been the same ever since that flu epidemic back in '18.

**ROGER**  
My word, you are a super lady.

**BELLA**  
Oh, I like the cut of your jib. Chin chin.

**NIKKO** _(shaking hands with Roger)_  
Hello, I'm Nikko.

**ROGER**  
How do you do?

**NIKKO**  
Very well.

_Davenport offers Roger a drink. _

**DAVENPORT**  
Your usual, sir?

**ROGER**  
Ah, thank you Davenport. Just how I like it.

**BELLA**  
How come she's an Eddison but her husband and son are Curbishleys?

**NIKKO**  
The Eddison title descends through her. One day Roger will be a lord.

_The butler introduces another woman walking into the garden. _

**GREEVES**  
Robina Redmond!

**LADY EDDISON**  
She's the absolute hit of the social scene, a must. _(she greets Robina as they shake hands)_ Miss Redmond!

**ROBINA**  
Spiffing to meet you at last, my lady. What super fun!

_The Reverend walks into the group Greeves introduces him._

**GREEVES**  
Reverend Arnold Golightly.

**LADY EDDISON** _(shaking hands)_  
Ah, Reverend. How are you? I heard about the church last Thursday night. Those ruffians breaking in.

_They have walked together over to where Colonel is sitting on his wheelchair. _

**COLONEL**  
You apprehended them, I hear.

**REVEREND****  
**As the Christian Fathers taught me, we must forgive them their trespasses. Quite literally.

**ROGER**  
Some of these young boys deserve a descent thrashing.

**DAVENPORT**___(with a meaningful look)_  
Couldn't agree more, sir.

**BELLA**  
Typical. All the decent men are on the other bus.

**NIKKO**  
Or Time Lords.

**ROGER** _(to Lady Eddison)_  
Now, my lady, what about this special guest you promised us?

**LADY EDDISON** _(pointing to Agatha Christie, who is entering the group)_  
Here she is, a lady who needs no introduction!

_Everyone starts clapping. _

**AGATHA**  
No, no, please. Don't. Thank you, Lady Eddison. Honestly, there's no need.

_She holds out her hand to Nikko. _

**AGATHA**  
Agatha Christie.

**BELLA**  
What about her?

**AGATHA**  
That's me.

**BELLA**  
Nooo. _(Agatha laughs)_ You're kidding.

**NIKKO **_(shaking her hand) _  
Agatha Christie! I was just talking about you the other day. I said, "I bet she's brilliant". I'm Nikko and this is Bella. Ohhh, I love your stuff. What a mind! You fool me every time. Well, almost every time. Well, once or twice. Well, once. But it was a good once!

**AGATHA**  
You make a rather unusual couple.

**NIKKO**  
Oh, We're not married.

**AGATHA**  
Well obviously. A wedding ring.

_Bella looks at her fingers. _

**NIKKO**  
Oh oh, you don't miss a trick.

**AGATHA**  
I'd stay that way if I were you. The thrill is in the chase, never in the capture.

_Lady Eddison comes over._

**LADY EDDISON**  
Mrs Christie, I'm so glad you could come. I'm one of your greatest followers. I've read all six of your books. Is, ah, Mr Christie not joining us?

**AGATHA**  
Is he needed? Can't a woman make her own way in the world?

**COLONEL**_(laughing) _  
Don't give my wife ideas.

**ROGER**  
Now Mrs Christie, I have a question. Why a Belgian detective?

_The Doctor goes and snatches the Colonel's newspaper. _

**NIKKO**  
'Scuse me.

**AGATHA**  
Belgians make such lovely buns.

_Everyone laughs. _

**ROGER**  
I say, where on earth is Professor Peach? He'd love to meet Mrs Christie.

**REVEREND**  
Said he was going to the library.

_Nikko beckons to Bella and she walks over. _

**LADY EDDISON**  
Miss Chandrakala, would you go and collect the professor?

**MISS CHANDRAKALA**  
At once, milady.

**NIKKO**  
The date on this newspaper.

**BELLA**  
What about it?

**NIKKO**  
It's the day Agatha Christie disappeared.

***  
_Miss Chandrakala knocks on the library door. _

**MISS CHANDRAKALA**  
Professor Peach!

_She opens the door. _

**MISS CHANDRAKALA**  
Professor?

_Her mouth opens in horror._

***  
**NIKKO**  
She'd just discovered her husband was having an affair.

**BELLA**  
You'd never think to look at her. Smiling away.

**NIKKO**  
Well, she's British and moneyed. That's what they do. They carry on. Except for this one time. No one knows exactly what happened, she just vanished.

_Newspapers spin to show headlines like 'Mystery Writer Disappears'. Then we see flashes of what Nikko is talking about: a vintage car by a lake..._

**NIKKO (VO)**  
Her car will be found tomorrow morning by the side of a lake. Ten days later, Agatha Christie turns up in a hotel in Harrogate.

_...and Agatha standing in front of 'The Harrogate Hotel', looking confused._

**NIKKO****  
**Said she'd lost her memory. She never spoke about the disappearance till the day she died, but whatever it was…

**BELLA**  
It's about to happen.

**NIKKO**  
Right here, right now.

_Miss Chandrakala comes out of the house running. _

**MISS CHANDRAKALA**  
Professor! The library! Murder! Murder!

***  
_Nikko, Bella and Agatha enter the library. Nikko runs to the body, he bends down and takes his glasses out. Greeves arrives next._

**GREEVES **  
Oh my goodness.

**NIKKO**  
Bashed on the head. Blunt instrument. Watch broke as he fell, _(he checks the watch on Professor Peach's hand)_ time of death was quarter past four.

_He gets up and starts searching the papers on the desk. _

**BELLA**  
Bit of pipe. _(she lifts up a pipe lying next to the body)_ Call me Hercule Poirot, but I reckon that's blunt enough.

_Agatha Christie picks something out of the grate._

**NIKKO**  
Nothing worth killing for in that lot, dry as dust.

**BELLA**  
Hold on. The body in the library? I mean, Professor Peach, in the library, with the lead piping?

_The voices of the other members of the party drift in to the room. They gather in to the room, look down in horror and disgust, and all talk simultaneously._

**LADY EDDISON****  
**Let me see.

**COLONEL**  
Out of my way!

**LADY EDDISON**  
Gerald!

**REVEREND**  
Saints preserve us!

**RUBINA**  
Oh how awful...

**AGATHA**  
Someone should call the police.

**NIKKO**  
You don't have to. _(he flashes the psychic paper around)_ Chief Inspector Smith from Scotland Yard. Known as Nikko. Miss Nicholls is the plucky young girl who helps me out.

**LADY EDDISON**  
I say.

**NIKKO**  
Mrs Christie was right. Go into the sitting room. I will question each of you in turn.

**AGATHA**  
Come along, do as Nikko says. Leave the room undisturbed.

_Everyone but Nikko and Bella leave. _

**NIKKO**  
"The plucky young girl who helps me out" ?

_Nikko gets down on the ground. _

**NIKKO**  
No policewomen in 1926.

**BELLA**  
I'll pluck you in a minute. Why don't we phone the real police?

**NIKKO**  
Well the last thing we want is PC Plod sticking his nose in.

_He scrapes some slime off the floor with a stick. _

**NIKKO**  
...especially now I've found this! Morphic residue.

**BELLA**  
Morphic? Doesn't sound very 1926.

**NIKKO**  
It's left behind when certain species genetically re-encode.

**BELLA**  
The murderer's an alien.

**NIKKO**  
Which means, one of that lot is an alien in human form.

**BELLA**  
Yeah, but think about it. There's a murder, a mystery, and Agatha Christie.

**NIKKO**  
So? Happens to me all the time.

_He smells the slime then puts in under Bella's nose._

**BELLA**  
No, but isn't that a bit weird? Agatha Christie didn't walk around surrounded by murders. Not really. I mean that's like meeting Charles Dickens, and he's surrounded by ghosts. At Christmas.

**NIKKO**  
Well...

**BELLA**  
Oh, come on! It's not like we could drive across country and find Enid Blyton having tea with Noddy. Could we? Noddy's not real. Is he? Tell me there's no Noddy!

**NIKKO**  
There's no Noddy.

**BELLA**  
Next thing you know, you'll be telling me it's like Murder On The Orient Express, and they all did it!

_While she speaks they exit the library and meet Agatha at the bottom of the staircase._

**AGATHA**  
Murder on the Orient Express?

**BELLA**  
Oh, yeah. One of your best!

**NIKKO**  
But not yet.

**AGATHA**  
Marvellous idea though.

**BELLA**  
Yeah. Tell you what, copyright Bella Nicholls, okay?

**NIKKO**  
Anyway! Agatha and I will question the suspects, Bella, you search the bedrooms. Look for clues._ (whispering) _Any more residue.

_He gives her a magnifying glass. _

**NIKKO**  
You'll need this.

**BELLA**  
Is that for real?

**NIKKO**  
Go on. You're ever so plucky.

_Not too pleased, Bella heads upstairs, while Nikko beams at Agatha. _

**NIKKO**  
Right then! Solving a murder mystery with Agatha Christie, brilliant!

**AGATHA**  
How like a man to have fun, while there's disaster all around him.

**NIKKO**  
Sorry, yeah.

**AGATHA**  
I'll work with you, gladly. But for the sake of justice. Not your own amusement.

**NIKKO**  
Yeah.

***  
**NIKKO**  
Now then, Reverend. Where were you at a quarter past four?

**REVEREND**  
Let me think. Oh yes, I remember.

_Flashback scene begins: we see him hanging clothes in the wardrobe. _

**REVEREND (VO)**  
I was unpacking in my room.

**NIKKO (VO)**  
No alibi then.

**AGATHA (VO)**  
You were alone?

_The flashback ends. _

**REVEREND**  
With the Lord, one is never truly alone. Nikko?

***  
**NIKKO**  
And where were you?

**ROGER**  
Let me think... I was, um... Oh, yes, I was taking a constitutional, in the fields behind the house.

_Flashback begins. _

**ROGER (VO)**  
Just taking a stroll, that's all.

**NIKKO (VO)**  
Alone?

**ROGER (VO)**  
Oh, yes, all alone. Totally alone! Absolutely alone. Completely, all of the time.

_In the flashback, we see him meeting Davenport and the pair of them walking off hand in hand._

**ROGER (VO)**  
I wandered lonely as the proverbial cloud, there was no-one else with me, not at all.

_Flashback ends. _

**ROGER**  
Not ever!

***  
**NIKKO**  
And where were you?

**ROBINA**  
At a quarter past four? Well, I went to the toilet when I arrived, and then um...

_Flashback starts. _

**ROBINA (VO)**  
Oh, yes, I remember.

_She is indeed in the bathroom, but we see her pulling out a small revolver from her handbag._

**ROBINA (VO)**  
I was preparing myself, positively buzzing with excitement about the party... and the super fun of meeting Lady Eddy.

_Flashback ends. _

**NIKKO**  
We've only got your word for it.

**ROBINA**  
That's your problem, not mine.

***  
**NIKKO**  
And where were you, sir?

**COLONEL**  
Quarter past four? Dear me, let me think... Ah, yes, I remember.

_Flashback starts. _

**COLONEL (VO)**  
I was in my study, reading through some military memoirs. Fascinating stuff.

_We see that he was actually watching some erotic pictures. _

**COLONEL (VO)**  
Took me back to my days in the army. Started reminiscing...

_Flashback within the flashback: the Colonel remembers a revue with cancan dancers. _

**COLONEL (VO)**  
Mafeking, you know... Terrible war.

**NIKKO (VO)**  
Colonel, snap out of it!

_The Colonel gets out of the revue flashback, but is still in the first one of watching pictures in his study. _

**COLONEL (VO)**  
I was in my study...

**NIKKO**  
No no no. Right out of it!

_The flashback ends._

**COLONEL**  
Oh, sorry. Got a bit carried away there.

***  
**NIKKO**  
And where were you at a quarter past four, my lady?

**LADY EDDISON**  
Now let me see...

_Flashback begins. _

**LADY EDDISON (VO)**  
Yes, I remember. I was sitting in the Blue Room, taking my afternoon tea.

_We see her drinking spirits from a bottle. _

**LADY EDDISON (VO)**  
It's a ritual of mine, I needed to gather strength for the duty of hostess. I then proceeded to the lawn where I met you, Nikko. And I said, "And who exactly might you be and what are you doing here?" And you said, "I am Nikko and this is Miss Bella Nicholls."

**NIKKO (VO)**  
Yes, yes, you can stop now.

_Flashback ends. _

**NIKKO**  
I was there for that bit.

**LADY EDDISON**  
Of course._ (she burps)_ Excuse me.

***  
_All suspects questioned, Nikko and Agatha are walking up and down the room, trying to solve the mystery. _

**AGATHA**  
No alibis for any of them. The secret adversary remains hidden. We must look for a motive, use "the little grey cells".

**NIKKO: **Oh, yes, little grey cells, good old Poirot.

_He sits down to the chair the suspects were using. _

**NIKKO**  
Do you know, I've been to Belgium, yeah.

_Flashback begins. _

**NIKKO (VO)**  
I remember...

_We see him in a forest, cutting way with a machete, armed with bow and arrows. _

**NIKKO (VO)**  
I was deep in the Ardennes, trying to find Charlemagne. He'd been kidnapped by an insane computer.

**AGATHA (VO)**  
Nikko!

_Flashback ends. _

**NIKKO**  
Sorry.

**AGATHA**  
Charlemagne lived centuries ago!

**NIKKO**  
I've got a very good memory.

**AGATHA**  
For such an experienced detective, you missed a big clue.

**NIKKO**  
What, that bit of paper you nicked out the fire?

**AGATHA**  
You were looking the other way!

**NIKKO**  
Yeah, but I saw you reflected in the glass of the bookcase.

**AGATHA**  
You crafty man.

_They smile at each other._

**AGATHA**  
This is all that was left.

_Nikko rushes to her and they try to decipher the writing._

**NIKKO**  
What's that first letter? N or M?

**AGATHA**  
It's an M. The word is maiden.

**NIKKO**  
Maiden! What does that mean?

**AGATHA**  
We're still no further forward. Our nemesis remains at large. Unless Miss Nicholl's found something.

***  
_Upstairs, Bella tries to open a door but it is locked. Greeves appears suddenly and she lets out a surprised little scream. _

**GREEVES**  
You won't find anything in there.

**BELLA**  
How come it's locked?

**GREEVES**  
Lady Eddison commands it to be so.

**BELLA**  
And I command it to be otherwise. Scotland Yard, pip-pip.

_Reluctant, he moves forward to unlock the door. _

**BELLA**  
Why's it locked in the first place?

**GREEVES**  
Many years ago, when my father was butler to the family, Lady Eddison returned from India with malaria. She locked herself in this room for six months until she recovered. Since then, the room has remained undisturbed.

_He opens the door and Bella steps in. _

**GREEVES**  
There's nothing in here.

**BELLA**  
How long's it been empty?

**GREEVES**  
Forty years.

**BELLA**  
Why would she seal it off? All right, I need to investigate, you just... butle off.

_She closes the door behind herself and starts to look around. She finds a big teddy bear on the bed, then hears a buzz. _

**BELLA**  
1926, they've still got bees. Oh, what a noise! All right, busy bee, I'll let you out. Hold on, I shall find you with my amazing powers of detection.

_Lifting up the magnifying glass, she walks to the window. She pulls aside the heavy curtains hiding the view, and sees a giant wasp. She screams as the wasp breaks through the glass. _

**BELLA**  
That's impossible!

_Threatened by the wasp, she backs to the window. _

**BELLA**  
Nikko!

_The wasp is about to attack, but she holds out the magnifying glass and focuses the sunlight on it's body, stopping it for a moment. _

**BELLA**  
NIKKO!

_She runs out of the room and shuts the door. The wasp stings through the wood and she screams. Nikko and Agatha arrive running. _

**BELLA**  
It's a giant wasp!

**NIKKO**  
What d'you mean, a giant wasp?

**BELLA**  
I mean, a wasp that's giant!

**AGATHA**  
It's only a silly little insect.

**BELLA**  
When I say giant, I don't mean big, I mean flippin' enormous! Look at its sting!

_They look down at the huge sting, stuck into the door. _

**NIKKO**  
Let me see.

_He gets into the room but it's empty. _

**NIKKO**  
It's gone. Buzzed off.

_Agatha bows to examine the sting. _

**AGATHA**  
But that's fascinating...

**NIKKO**  
D-D-D-Don't touch it! Don't touch it! Let me...

_He collects some slime from the sting into a test tube. _

**NIKKO**  
Giant wasp... Well, tons of amorphous insectivorous lifeforms, but none in this galactic vector.

**AGATHA**  
I think I understood some of those words. Enough to know that you're completely potty.

**BELLA**  
Lost its sting though, that makes it defenceless.

**NIKKO**  
Oh, creature this size, got to be able to grow a new one.

**AGATHA**  
Can we return to sanity? There are no such things as giant wasps!

**NIKKO**  
Exactly. So, question is, what's it doing here?

***  
_Everyone has gathered in the drawing room. Nikko is standing in front of the group._

**NIKKO**  
I've called you here on this endless night, because we have a murderer in our midst. And when it comes to detection, there's none finer. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you … Agatha Christie!

_Nikko takes a seat next to Bella as Agatha takes his spot._

**AGATHA**  
This is a crooked house. A house of secrets. To understand the solution, we must examine them all. Starting with you…

_Agatha pauses, looking in the direction of Lady Edison, but then turns to Robina._

**AGATHA**  
...Miss Redmond.

**ROBINA**  
But I'm innocent, surely?

**AGATHA**  
You've never met these people and these people have never met you. I think the real Robina Redmond never left London, you're impersonating her!

**ROBINA**  
How silly! What proof do you have?

**AGATHA**  
You said you went to the toilet…

**BELLA**  
Oh, I know this. If she was really posh, she'd say 'loo'.

_Agatha reaches down to the coffee table and lifts up the Unicorn's box._

**AGATHA**  
Earlier today, Miss Nicholls and I found this on the lawn. Right beneath your bathroom window. You must have heard that Miss Noble was searching the bedrooms, so you panicked. You ran upstairs and disposed of the evidence.

_A flashback shows exactly what Agatha had just explained. _

**ROBINA**  
I've never seen that thing before in my life.

**LADY EDDISON**  
What's inside it?

_Agatha opens the box to reveal its contents._

**AGATHA**  
The tools of your trade, Miss Redmond. Or should I say… _(showing the tools to everyone)_ the Unicorn!

_Everyone stares at Rubina, shocked._

**AGATHA****  
**You came to this house with one sole intention. To steal the Firestone!

_Robina looks Agatha closely in the eye, before getting up from her seat. Her voice, her accent, her whole attitude changes._

**ROBINA**  
Oh, alright then. It's a fair cop. Yes, I'm the bleedin' Unicorn. Ever so nice to meet you, I don't think. I took my chance in the dark and napped it. Go on then, you knobs. Arrest me, sling me in jail!

_She pulls out the Firestone from inside her dress and tosses it to Nikko._

**BELLA**  
So, is she the murderer?

**ROBINA**  
Don't be so thick. I might be a thief, but I ain't no killer.

**AGATHA**  
Quite. There are darker motives at work. And in examining this household, we come to you … _(Agatha eyes Lady Edison again, but then turns away) _Colonel!

**COLONEL**  
Damn it, woman! You with your perspicacity! You've rumbled me.

_He stands up from his wheelchair. _

**LADY EDDISON**  
Hugh, you can walk! But why!?

**COLONEL**  
My darling, how else could I be certain of keeping you by my side?

**LADY EDDISON**  
I don't understand...

**COLONEL**  
You're still a beautiful woman, Clemency. Sooner or later some chap will turn your head. I couldn't bear that. Staying in the chair was the only way I could be certain of keeping you. _(turning to Agatha)_ Confound it, Mrs Christie, how did you discover the truth?

**AGATHA**  
Um, actually I had no idea. I was just going to say you're completely innocent.

**COLONEL**  
Oh... ugh.

**AGATHA**  
Sorry!

**COLONEL**  
Well, well shall I sit down then?

**AGATHA**  
Yeah, I think you better had.

_He sits down and Lady Eddison holds his hand. _

**BELLA**  
So he's not the murderer?

**AGATHA**  
Indeed, not. To find the truth let's return to this. Far more than the Unicorn's object of desire. The Firestone has quite a history. Lady Eddison.

**LADY EDDISON** _(shocked)_  
I've done nothing!

**AGATHA**  
You brought it back from India, did you not? Before you met the Colonel. You came home with malaria, and confined yourself to this house for six month, in a room that has been kept locked ever since, which I rather think means...

**LADY EDDISON**  
Stop, please.

**AGATHA**  
I'm so sorry. But you had fallen pregnant in India. Unmarried and ashamed, you hurried back to England with your confidante, a young maid later to become housekeeper Miss Chandrakala.

**COLONEL**  
Clemency, is this true?

**LADY EDDISON**  
My poor baby. I had to give him away. The shame of it.

**COLONEL**  
But you never said a word...

**LADY EDDISON**  
I had no choice. Imagine the scandal. The family name! I'm British, I carry on.

**NIKKO**  
And it was no ordinary pregnancy.

**LADY EDDISON**  
How can you know that?

**DOCTOR**  
'Scuse me Agatha, this is my territory. But when you heard that buzzing sound in the dining room, you said "It can't be." Why did you say that?

**LADY EDDISON **_(whispering)_  
You'd never believe it.

**AGATHA**  
Nikko has opened my mind to believe many things.

_Flashback starts, showing what Lady Eddison says._

**LADY EDDISON (VO)**  
It was forty years ago, in the heat of Delhi, late one night. I was alone. And that's when I saw it, a dazzling light in the sky. The next day, he came to the house. Christopher, the most handsome man I'd ever seen. Our love blazed like a wildfire. I held nothing back. And in return ... he showed me the incredible truth about himself. He'd made himself human, to learn about us.

_We see Christopher becoming a giant wasp._

**LADY EDDISON (VO)****  
**This was his true shape.

_Flashback ends._

**LADY EDDISON****  
**I loved him so much, it didn't matter. But he was stolen from me. 1885, the year of the great monsoon. The river Jumna rose up and broke its banks. He was taken at the flood. But Christopher left me a parting gift, _(flashback shows him giving her the Firestone)_ a jewel like no other. I wore it always, part of me never forgot. I kept it close. Always.

**ROBINA**  
Just like a man, flashes his family jewels, and you end up with a bun in the oven!

**AGATHA**  
A "poor little child". Forty years ago, Miss Chandrakala took that newborn babe to an orphanage. But Professor Peach worked it out. He found the birth certificate.

**BELLA**  
Oh, that's maiden! Maiden name!

**AGATHA**  
Precisely.

**BELLA**  
So, she killed him?

**LADY EDDISON**  
I did not!

**AGATHA**  
Miss Chandrakala feared that the Professor had unearthed your secret. She was coming to warn you.

**BELLA**  
So, she killed her?

**LADY EDDISON**  
I did not!

**AGATHA**  
Lady Eddison _(pause)_ is innocent. Because at this point... Nikko!

_Nikko rises from his seat and takes Agatha's place. _

**NIKKO**  
Thank you. At this point, when we consider the lies and the secrets, and the key to these events, then we have to consider... it was you, Bella Nicholls!

_He points to Bella who is staring at him in shock._

**BELLA**  
What!? Who did I kill?

**NIKKO**  
No, but you said it, all along. The vital clue. This whole thing is being acted out like a murder mystery. Which means ..._ (he points to Agatha)_ it was you, Agatha Christie!

**AGATHA** _(astounded)_  
I beg your pardon, sir!

**BELLA**  
So, she killed them?

**NIKKO**  
No! But she wrote! She wrote those brilliant, clever books. And who's her greatest admirer? The moving finger points at you... _(he points at Lady Eddison)_Lady Eddison!

**LADY EDDISON**  
Don't, leave me alone!

**BELLA**  
So, she did kill them?

**NIKKO**  
No! But just think, last Thursday night, what were you doing?

**LADY EDDISON**  
I was… I was in the library. I was reading my favourite Agatha Christie_ (flashback shows Lady Eddison reading in the library)_ thinking about her plots, and how clever she must be. How is that relevant?

**NIKKO**  
Just think. What else happened on Thursday night?

_The Doctor looks at Reverend Golightly who stares back, confused. _

**REVEREND**  
I'm sorry?

**NIKKO**  
You said on the lawn, this afternoon. Last Thursday night, those boys broke into your church.

**REVEREND****  
**That's correct.

_Flashback of him walking into the church and finding a robbery. _

**REVEREND (VO)**  
They did. I discovered the two of them. Thieves in the night, I was most perturbed.

**REVEREND **_(in the flashback)_  
What the blazes are you doing boys?

_Flashback ends._

**REVEREND**  
But, I apprehended them.

**NIKKO**  
Really? A man of God against two strong lads? A man in his forties? Or, should I say... forty years old, exactly?

**LADY EDDISON**  
Oh my god!

**NIKKO**  
Lady Eddison, your child, how old would he be now?

**LADY EDDISON**  
Forty, he's forty!

**NIKKO**  
Your child has come home.

**REVEREND**  
This is poppycock!

**NIKKO**  
Oh? You said you were taught by the Christian Fathers. Meaning, you were raised in an orphanage.

**LADY EDDISON**  
My son... can it be?

**NIKKO**  
You found those thieves, Reverend, and you got angry! A proper, deep anger, for the first time in your life, and it broke the genetic lock! You've changed!

_Flashback to the night of the robbery, where we left off. The boys are heading away from the alter with the stolen items. _

**REVEREND****  
**Put thozzzzze … thingzzzzz... back where you found them! It'zzzz...

_Purple light engulfs him and he shakes violently. Flashback ends._

**NIKKO**  
You realized your inheritance! After all these years, you knew who you were.

_He snatches the Firestone off Agatha._

**NIKKO****  
**Oh, and then it all kicks off, cos this isn't just jewel. It's a Vespiform telepathic recorder! It's part of you, your brain, your very essence. When you activated, so did the Firestone. It beamed your full identity directly into your mind. And, at the same time _(flashback of Lady Eddison reading 'The murder of Roger Ackroyd' in the library) _it absorbed the works of Agatha Christie, directly from Lady Eddison. It all became part of you.

_Flashes of the Reverend and random pages from the book._

**NIKKO****  
**Mechanics of those novels formed a template in your brain. You've killed, in this pattern, because that's what you think the world is. Turns out, we are in the middle of a murder mystery. One of yours, Dame Agatha!

**AGATHA**  
Dame?

**NIKKO**  
Oh, sorry, not yet.

**BELLA**  
So he killed them? Yes? Definitely?

**NIKKO**_  
_Yes.

**REVEREND****  
**Well ...this has certainly been a most entertaining evening.

_Everyone stares at him. _

**REVEREND****  
**Really, you can't believe any of this surely, Lady Edizzzz...

**NIKKO**  
Lady who?

**REVEREND**___(struggling)_  
Lady Edizzzzzon...

**NIKKO**  
Little bit of buzzing there, Vicar?

**REVEREND****  
**Don't make me angry!

_He rises from his seat and stands up in front of the group. _

**NIKKO**  
Why? What happens then?

**REVEREND****  
**Damn it! You humanzzzz! Worshipping your tribal sky godzzz! I am so much more! That night, the universe exploded in my mind! I wanted to take what wazzz mine. And you, Agatha Christie, with your railway station bookstall romancezzzzz… What'zzzzz to stop me killing you?

**LADY EDDISON**  
Oh, my dear god. _(reaching out towards him) _My child!

_Purple light surrounds the Reverend while he transforms into the Vespiform._

**REVEREND**  
What'zzzz to stop me killing you all?

_Fully transformed, he flies at the people._

**LADY EDDISON****  
**Forgive me!

**COLONEL**  
No, no, Clemency, come back! Keep away, keep away my darling!

_He pulls her away from the Vespiform. They back into a corner with Greeves and Robina._

**AGATHA** _(holding up the Firestone)_  
No! No more murder! If my imagination made you kill, then my imagination will find a way to stop you, foul creature!

**NIKKO (VO)**  
A few days later, she turns up in hotel at Harrogate, with no idea of what just happened.

**NIKKO (VO)**  
No-one'll ever know.

_...then she slowly walks into the hotel._

**BELLA (VO)**  
Lady Eddison, the Colonel, and all the staff … what about them?

**NIKKO**  
Shameful story. They'd never talk of it. Too British. While the Unicorn does a bunk, back to London town. She could never even say she was there.

**BELLA**  
But, what happens to Agatha?

**NIKKO**  
Oh, great life! Met another man, married again. Saw the world. Wrote and wrote and wrote.

**BELLA**  
She never thought her books were any good, though. And she must have spent all those years wondering.

_They get__ into the TARDIS, Nikko puts his coat on one of the 'trees' inside._

**NIKKO**  
Thing is, I don't think she ever quite forgot. Great mind like that, some of the details kept bleeding through. All the stuff her imagination could use. Like, Miss Marple!  
_They watch the TARDIS console happily as the engines start to work._


	9. Episode 8 & 9 - Silence Of The Dead

GRAND THEFT FAIL

SERIES TWO

EPISODE EIGHT AND NINE

SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY

AND

FOREST OF THE DYING

**EPISODE EIGHT**

(To a background of nursery music.)  
MOON [OC]: Close your eyes, and tell me what you see.  
GIRL: The library.  
(A massive, futuristic building which she is floating above.)  
MOON [OC]: Open your eyes again. Where are you now?

**[Girl's home]**

(Dr Moon is making notes as the girl's father watches.)  
GIRL: My living room, Doctor Moon.  
MOON: When you close your eyes  
GIRL: I go to the library.  
MOON: Go to the library now.

**[Rotunda]**

(A circular wood panelled room lit by natural light from the dome above. Very classical looking.)  
MOON [OC]: Are you back there?  
GIRL: Yes.  
MOON [OC]: The same part?  
GIRL: No, it's always different. The library goes on for ever.  
MOON [OC]: How do you move around?  
GIRL: By wishing.  
(The big entrance doors rattle.)

**[Girl's home]**

MOON: What's wrong?  
GIRL: Something's here. Someone's got in. No one's supposed to get in.  
FATHER: She's never mentioned any one else. She's always been alone.  
GIRL: Someone's in my library. No, no, please, that's not allowed. That's not allowed.  
MOON: Listen to me. The library is in your mind.  
GIRL: I know it's in my mind, but something's got inside.

**[Rotunda]**

(Nikko and Matthew burst in. Nikko grabs a book and uses it to jam the door handles so it won't open again.)  
NIKKO: Oh. Hello. Sorry to burst in on you like this. Okay if we stop here for a bit?

**[Tardis]**

(We now get what is presumably what happened before they burst into the rotunda.)  
NIKKO: Books. People never really stop loving books.

**[Library]**

(The Tardis is in a mostly empty area with just a few small cases of books.)  
NIKKO: Fifty first century. By now you've got holovids, direct to brain downloads, fiction mist, but you need the smell. The smell of books, Matthew. Deep breath.

**[Staircase]**

(A massive marble job.)  
NIKKO: The Library. So big it doesn't need a name. Just a great big The.  
MATTHEW: It's like a city.  
NIKKO: It's a world. Literally, a world. The whole core of the planet is the index computer. Biggest hard drive ever. And up here, every book ever written. Whole continents of Jeffrey Archer, Bridget Jones, Monty Python's Big Red Book. Brand new editions, specially printed.  
(They look over a balcony onto roofs below.)  
NIKKO: We're near the equator, so this must be biographies. I love biographies.  
MATTHEW: Yeah, very you. Always a death at the end.  
NIKKO: You need a good death. Without death, there'd only be comedies. Dying gives us size.  
(Matthew picks up a book and Nikko takes it from him.)  
NIKKO: Way-a. Spoilers.  
MATTHEW: What?  
NIKKO: These books are from your future. You don't want to read ahead. Spoil all the surprises. Like peeking at the end.  
MATTHEW: Isn't travelling with you one big spoiler?  
NIKKO: I try to keep you away from major plot developments. Which, to be honest, I seem to be very bad at, because you know what? This is the biggest library in the universe. So where is everyone? It's silent.  
(Nikko uses his screwdriver on a nearby information screen, bringing it online.)  
MATTHEW: The library?  
NIKKO: The planet. The whole planet.  
MATTHEW: Maybe it's a Sunday.  
NIKKO: No, I never land on Sundays. Sundays are boring.  
MATTHEW: Well, maybe everyone's really, really quiet.  
NIKKO: Yeah, maybe. But they'd still show up on the system.  
MATTHEW: Nikko, why are we here? Really, why?  
NIKKO: Oh, you know, just passing.  
MATTHEW: No, seriously. It was all let's hit the beach, then suddenly we're in a library. Why?  
NIKKO: Now that's interesting.  
MATTHEW: What?  
NIKKO: Scanning for life forms. If I do a scan looking for your basic humanoids. You know, your book readers, few limbs and a face, apart from us, I get nothing. Zippo, nada. See? Nobody home. But if I widen the parameters to any kind of life.  
(The screen says Error 1,000,000,000,000 lifeform number capped at maximum record.)  
NIKKO: A million, million. Gives up after that. A million, million.  
MATTHEW: But there's nothing here. There's no one.  
NIKKO: And not a sound. A million. million life forms, and silence in the library.  
MATTHEW: But there's no one here. There's just books. I mean, it's not the books, is it? I mean, it can't be the books, can it? I mean, books can't be alive.  
(They both reach slowly for a book. A voice makes them jump.)  
NODE [OC]: Welcome.  
MATTHEW: That came from here.  
NIKKO: Yeah.

**[Library]**

(They return to the mostly empty room. A vaguely humanoid sculpture by a curved desk turns its head and speaks with a female voice from a small face on its surface.)  
NODE: I am Courtesy Node seven one zero slash aqua. Please enjoy the Library and respect the personal access codes of all your fellow readers, regardless of species or hygiene taboo.  
MATTHEW: That face, it looks real.  
NIKKO: Yeah, don't worry about it.  
MATTHEW: A statue with a real face, though? It's a hologram or something, isn't it?  
NIKKO: No, but really, it's fine.  
NODE: Additional. There follows a brief message from the Head Librarian for your urgent attention. It has been edited for tone and content by a Felman Lux Automated Decency Filter. Message follows. Run. For God's sake, run. No way is safe. The library has sealed itself, we can't. Oh, they're here. Argh. Slarg. Snick. Message ends. Please switch off your mobile comm. units for the comfort of other readers.  
NIKKO: So that's why we're here. Any other messages, same date stamp?  
NODE: One additional message. This message carries a Felman Lux coherency warning of five zero eleven  
NIKKO: Yeah, yeah, fine, fine, fine. Just play it.  
NODE: Message follows. Count the shadows. For God's sake, remember, if you want to live, count the shadows. Message ends.  
NIKKO: Matthew?  
MATTHEW: Yeah?  
NIKKO: Stay out of the shadows.  
MATTHEW: Why, what's in the shadows?

**[Stacks]**

MATTHEW: So, We weren't just in the neighbourhood.  
NIKKO: Yeah, I kind of, sort of lied a bit. I got a message on the psychic paper.  
(It reads - The library come as soon as you can. x)  
NIKKO: What do you think? Cry for help?  
MATTHEW: Cry for help with a kiss?  
NIKKO: Oh, we've all done that.  
MATTHEW: Who's it from?  
NIKKO: No idea.  
MATTHEW: So why did we come here? Why did you  
NIKKO: Matthew.  
(The lights behind them are going out.)  
MATTHEW: What's happening?  
NIKKO: Run!  
(They can't get the nearest door open.)  
NIKKO: Come on.  
MATTHEW: What, is it locked?  
NIKKO: Jammed. The wood's warped.  
MATTHEW: Well, sonic it. Use the thingy.  
NIKKO: I can't, it's wood.  
MATTHEW: What, it doesn't do wood?  
NIKKO: Hang on, hang on. I can vibrate the molecules, fry the bindings. I can shatterline the interface.  
MATTHEW: Oh, get out of the way.  
(Matthew kicks the door open.)

**[Rotunda]**

(And we're back to where we were before the titles.)  
NIKKO: Oh. Hello. Sorry to burst on you like this. Okay if we stop here for a bit?  
(We see the girl open her eyes at home. Nikko and Matthew see a small metal globe fall to the ground.)  
MATTHEW: What is it?  
NIKKO: Security camera. Switched itself off.

**[Girl's home]**

GIRL: They were in my library. How can they be in my library?  
MOON: Who were they?  
(The girl puts her hands to her head.)  
GIRL: What's that? What's that noise?  
FATHER: What noise?

**[Rotunda]**

(Nikko is using his sonic screwdriver on the security camera.)  
NIKKO: Nice door skills, Matthew.  
MATTHEW: Yeah, Sometimes you need the element of surprise. What was that? What was after us? I mean, did we just run away from a power cut?  
NIKKO: Possibly.  
MATTHEW: Are we safe here?  
NIKKO: Of course we're safe. There's a little shop.  
(A sign on the wall says The Shop, and Entrance This Way. Nikko the camera open.)  
NIKKO: Gotcha!

**[Girl's home]**

(The little girls falls onto a rug with the same motif as the camera lens cap - a stylised eye. Doctor Moon and her father comfort her.)  
GIRL: No, stop it. No. No.

**[Rotunda]**

(Her words scroll across a little panel on the camera.)  
NIKKO: Ooo, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's alive.  
MATTHEW: You said it was a security camera.  
NIKKO: It is. It's an alive one.

**[Girl's home]**

MOON: Can you hear me? Are you all right?  
GIRL: Others are coming.  
MOON: Who's coming? Who are the others?  
GIRL: The library is breached. Others are coming.  
MOON: What others?

**[Rotunda]**

MATTHEW: Others? What's it mean, others?  
(Matthew goes to a Node.)  
MATTHEW: Excuse me. What does it mean, others?  
NIKKO: That's barely more than a speak your weight machine, it can't help you.  
MATTHEW: So why's it got a face?  
MARK NODE: This flesh aspect was donated by Mark Chambers on the occasion of his death.  
MATTHEW: It's a real face?.  
MARK NODE: It has been actualised individually for you from the many facial aspects saved to our extensive flesh banks. Please enjoy.  
MATTHEW: It chose me a dead face it thought I'd like? That statue's got a real dead person's face on it.  
NIKKO: It's the fifty first century. That's basically like donating a park bench.  
MATTHEW: It's donating a face!  
NIKKO: No, wait, no.  
(Nikko grabs Matthew as she backs away.)  
MATTHEW: Oi. Hands.  
NIKKO: The shadow. Look.  
MATTHEW: What about it?  
NIKKO: Count the shadows.  
MATTHEW: One. There, counted it. One shadow.  
NIKKO: Yeah But what's casting it?  
(It is a triangular shadow.)  
NIKKO: Oh, I'm thick! Look at me; I'm old and thick. Head's too full of stuff. I need a bigger head.  
(The light in adjoining corridor is going out.)  
MATTHEW: The power must be going.  
NIKKO: This place runs on fission cells. They'll outburn the sun.  
MATTHEW: Then why is it dark?  
NIKKO: It's not dark.  
MATTHEW: That shadow. It's gone.  
NIKKO: We need to get back to the Tardis.  
MATTHEW: Why?  
NIKKO: Because that shadow hasn't gone. It's moved.  
MARK NODE: Reminder. The library has been breached. Others are coming. Reminder. The library has been breached. Others are coming. Reminder. The library has been breached (and so on)  
(A door is blown open in a flash of bright light, and six spacesuited figures enter. The leader adjusts her polarising filter so we can see her face.)  
RIVER: Hello, sweetie.  
NIKKO: Get out.  
MATTHEW: Nikko.  
NIKKO: All of you. Turn around, get back in your rocket and fly away. Tell your grandchildren you came to the library and lived. They won't believe you.  
RIVER: Pop your helmets, everyone. We've got breathers.  
ANITA: How do you know they're not androids?  
RIVER: Because I've dated androids. They're rubbish.  
(A man speaks.)  
LUX: Who is this? You said we were the only expedition. I paid for exclusives.  
RIVER: I lied, I'm always lying. Bound to be others.  
LUX: Miss Evangelista, I want to see the contracts.  
RIVER: You came through the north door, yeah? How was that, much damage?  
NIKKO: Please, just leave. I'm asking you seriously and properly, just leave. Hang on. Did you say expedition?  
LUX: My expedition. I funded it.  
NIKKO: Oh, you're not, are you? Tell me you're not archaeologists.  
RIVER: Got a problem with archaeologists?  
NIKKO: I'm a time traveller. I point and laugh at archaeologists.  
RIVER: Ah. Professor River Song, archaeologist.  
NIKKO: River Song, lovely name. As you're leaving, and you're leaving now, you need to set up a quarantine beacon. Code wall the planet, the whole planet. Nobody comes here, not ever again. Not one living thing, not here, not ever. Stop right there. What's your name?  
ANITA: Anita.  
NIKKO: Anita, stay out of the shadows. Not a foot, not a finger in the shadows till you're safely back in your ship. Goes for all of you. Stay in the light. Find a nice, bright spot and just stand. If you understand me, look very, very scared. No, bit more scared than that. Okay, do for now. You. Who are you?  
OTHER DAVE: Er, Dave.  
NIKKO: Okay, Dave.  
OTHER DAVE: Oh, well, Other Dave, because that's Proper Dave the pilot, he was the first Dave, so when we  
NIKKO: Other Dave, the way you came, does it look the same as before?  
OTHER DAVE: Yeah. Oh, it's a bit darker.  
NIKKO: How much darker?  
OTHER DAVE Oh, like I could see where we came through just like a moment ago. I can't now.  
NIKKO: Seal up this door. We'll find another way out.  
OTHER DAVE: Would you  
LUX: We're not looking for a way out. Miss Evangelista?  
EVANGELISTA: I'm Mister Lux's personal everything. You need to sign these contracts agreeing that your individual experience inside the library are the intellectual property of the Felman Lux Corporation.  
NIKKO: Right, give it here.  
MATTHEW: Yeah, lovely. Thanks.  
(Nikko and Matthew tear up the contracts.)  
LUX: My family built this library. I have rights.  
RIVER: You have a mouth that won't stop. You think there's danger here?  
NIKKO: Something came to this library and killed everything in it. Killed a whole world. Danger? Could be.  
RIVER: That was a hundred years ago. The Library's been silent for a hundred years. Whatever came here's long dead.  
NIKKO: Bet your life?  
RIVER: Always.  
LUX: What are you doing?  
OTHER DAVE: He said seal the door.  
NIKKO: Torch.  
LUX: You're taking orders from him?  
NIKKO: Spooky, isn't it?  
(Nikko takes Lux's torch and shines it into the far recesses of the round room.)  
NIKKO: Almost every species in the universe has an irrational fear of the dark. But they're wrong, because it's not irrational. It's Vashta Nerada.  
MATTHEW: What's Vashta Nerada?  
NIKKO: It's what's in the dark. It's what's always in the dark. Lights! That's what we need, lights. You got lights?  
RIVER: What for?  
NIKKO: Form a circle. Safe area. Big as you can, lights pointing out.  
RIVER: Oi. Do as he says.  
LUX: You're not listening to this man?  
RIVER: Apparently I am. Anita, unpack the lights. Other Dave, make sure the door's secure, then help Anita. Mister Lux, put your helmet back on, block the visor. Proper Dave, find an active terminal. I want you to access the library database. See what you can find about what happened here a hundred years ago. Pretty boy, you're with me. Step into my office.  
LUX: Professor Song, why am I the only one wearing my helmet?  
RIVER: I don't fancy you.  
(Nikko goes over to Dave at the terminal. Lux takes off his helmet.)  
NIKKO: Probably I can help you.  
RIVER: Pretty boy. With me, I said.  
NIKKO: Oh, I'm pretty boy?  
MATTHEW: Yes. Ooo, that came out a bit quick.  
NIKKO: Pretty?  
MATTHEW: Meh.  
NIKKO: Don't let your shadows cross. Seriously, don't even let them touch. Any of them could be infected.  
OTHER DAVE: How can a shadow be infected?  
EVANGELISTA: Excuse me, can I help?  
ANITA: No, we're fine.  
EVANGELISTA: I could just you know, hold things.  
OTHER DAVE: No, really, we're okay.  
MATTHEW: Couldn't she help?  
OTHER DAVE: Trust me. I just spent four days on a ship with that woman. She's er  
ANITA: Couldn't tell the difference between the escape pod and the bathroom. We had to go back for her. Twice.  
(Evangelista talks with her boss. River takes a battered book from her backpack. Its cover is blue with eight squares.  
RIVER: Thanks.  
NIKKO: For what?  
RIVER: The usual. For coming when I call.  
NIKKO: Oh, that was you?  
RIVER: You're doing a very good job, acting like you don't know me. I'm assuming there's a reason.  
NIKKO: A fairly good one, actually.  
RIVER: Okay, shall we do diaries, then? Where are we this time? Er, going by your face, I'd say it's early days for you, yeah? Look at you. Oh, you're young.  
NIKKO: I'm really not, you know.  
RIVER: No, but you are. Your eyes. You're younger than I've ever seen you.  
NIKKO: You've seen me before, then?  
RIVER: Nikko, please tell me you know who I am.  
NIKKO: Who are you?  
(Brng, brng. Brng, brng.)  
DAVE: Sorry, that was me. Trying to get through into the security protocols. I seem to have set something off. What is that? Is that an alarm?  
MATTHEW: Nikko? Nikko, that sounds like  
NIKKO: It is. It's a phone.

**[Girl's home]**

(A proper non-wireless, decent sized handset telephone is ringing. The girl has the television on but her back is to is as she writes or draws on some paper.)  
GIRL: Dad?  
FATHER: In a minute.

**[Rotunda]**

DAVE: I'm trying to call up the data core, but it's not responding. Just that noise.  
MATTHEW: But it's a phone.  
NIKKO: Let me try something.

**[Girl's home]**

GIRL: Dad, the phone. Aren't you going to answer it?  
FATHER: It's not ringing, sweetie.  
(The phone stops ringing just as she gets to it.)

**[Rotunda]**

(The screen says Access Denied.)  
NIKKO: Okay, doesn't like that. Let's try something else.

**[Girl's home]**

(The girl is drawing the library.)  
NIKKO [OC]: Okay, here it comes.  
NIKKO [on TV]: Hello?  
GIRL: Hello. Are you in my television?  
NIKKO [on TV]: Well, no, I'm, I'm sort of in space. Er, I was trying to call up the data core of a triple grid security processor.  
GIRL: Would you like to speak to my Dad?  
NIKKO [on TV]: Dad or your Mum. That'd be lovely.  
GIRL: I know you. You're in my library.  
NIKKO [on TV]: Your library?  
GIRL: The library's never was on the television before. What have you done?  
NIKKO [on TV]: Er, well, I just rerouted the interface.  
(The cartoon returns.)

**[Rotunda]**

NIKKO: I'm going to need a packed lunch.  
RIVER: Hang on.  
NIKKO: What's in that book?  
RIVER: Spoilers.  
NIKKO: Who are you?  
RIVER: Professor River Song, University of  
NIKKO: To me. Who are you to me?  
RIVER: Again, spoilers. Chicken and a bit of salad. Knock yourself out.  
NIKKO: Right, you lot. Let's all meet the Vashta Nerada.

**[Girl's home]**

(The girl throws the remote control on the floor.)  
FATHER: Darling, Doctor Moon is going now, but he'd like a word with you alone. Is that all right?  
GIRL: Yes, of course, Doctor Moon.  
MOON: Thank you. Now, listen. This is important. There's the real world, and there's the world of nightmares. That's right, isn't it? You understand that?  
GIRL: Yes, I know, Doctor Moon.  
MOON: What I want you to remember is this, and I know it's hard. The real world is a lie, and your nightmares are real. The library is real. There are people trapped in there, people who need to be saved. The shadows are moving again. Those people are depending on you. Only you can save them. Only you.

**[Rotunda]**

(Nikko is scanning the floor with his sonic screwdriver.)  
RIVER: You travel with him, don't you? Nikko, you travel with him.  
MATTHEW: What of it?  
NIKKO: Proper Dave, could you move over a bit?  
DAVE: Why?  
NIKKO: Over there by the water cooler. Thanks.  
MATTHEW: You know him, don't you?  
RIVER: Oh God, do I know that man. We go way back, that man and me. Just not this far back.  
MATTHEW: I'm sorry, what?  
RIVER: He hasn't met me yet. I sent him a message, but it went wrong. It arrived too early. This is Nikko in the days before he knew me. And he looks at me, he looks right through me and it shouldn't kill me, but it does.  
MATTHEW: What are you talking about? Are you just talking rubbish? Do you know him or don't you?  
NIKKO: Matthew! Quiet, I'm working.  
MATTHEW: Sorry.  
RIVER: Matthew. You're Matthew. Matthew Buchanan.  
MATTHEW: Yeah. Why?  
RIVER: I do know Nikko, but in the future. His personal future.  
MATTHEW: So why don't you know me? Where am I in the future?  
NIKKO: Okay, got a live one. That's not darkness down those tunnels. This is not a shadow. It's a swarm. A man eating swarm.  
(Nikko throws a chicken leg into the shadow. It is only bone by the time it hits the floor.)  
NIKKO: The piranhas of the air. The Vashta Nerada. Literally, the shadows that melt the flesh. Most planets have them, but usually in small clusters. I've never seen an infestation on this scale, or this aggressive.  
MATTHEW: What do you mean, most planets? Not Earth?  
NIKKO: Mmm. Earth, and a billion other worlds. Where there's meat, there's Vashta Nerada. You can see them sometimes, if you look. The dust in sunbeams.  
MATTHEW: If they were on Earth, we'd know.  
NIKKO: Nah. Normally they live on road kill. But sometimes people go missing. Not everyone comes back out of the dark.  
RIVER: Every shadow?  
NIKKO: No. But any shadow.  
RIVER: So what do we do?  
NIKKO: Daleks, aim for the Nerada? Run. Just run.  
RIVER: Run? Run where?  
NIKKO: This is an index point. There must be an exit teleport somewhere.  
LUX: Don't look at me, I haven't memorised the schematics.  
MATTHEW: Nikko, the little shop. They always make you go through the little shop on the way out so they can sell you stuff.  
NIKKO: You're right. Brilliant! That's why I like the little shop.  
DAVE: Okay, let's move it.  
He heads towards the shop but Nikko spots something.  
NIKKO: Actually, Proper Dave? Could you stay where you are for a moment?  
DAVE: Why?  
NIKKO: I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. But you've got two shadows.  
(He has, at right angles to each other.)  
NIKKO: It's how they hunt. They latch on to a food source and keep it fresh.  
DAVE: What do I do?  
NIKKO: You stay absolutely still, like there's a wasp in the room. Like there's a million wasps.  
RIVER: We're not leaving you, Dave.  
NIKKO: Course we're not leaving him. Where's your helmet? Don't point, just tell me.  
DAVE: On the floor, by my bag.  
(Anita goes to get it.)  
NIKKO: Don't cross his shadow. Thanks. Now, the rest of you, helmets back on and sealed up. We'll need everything we've got.  
(Nikko puts Dave's helmet on him.)  
MATTHEW: But, Nikko, we haven't got any helmets.  
NIKKO: Yeah, but we're safe anyway.  
MATTHEW: How are we safe?  
NIKKO: We're not. That was a clever lie to shut you up. Professor, anything I can do with the suit?  
LUX: What good are the damn suits? Miss Evangelista was wearing her suit. There was nothing left.  
RIVER: We can increase the mesh density. Dial it up four hundred percent. Make it a tougher meal.  
NIKKO: Okay.  
(Nikko uses his screwdriver to adjust Dave's suit.)  
NIKKO: Eight hundred percent. Pass it on.  
RIVER: Gotcha.  
(River holds up a sonic screwdriver of her own.)  
NIKKO: What's that?  
RIVER: It's a screwdriver.  
NIKKO: It's sonic.  
RIVER: Yeah, I know. Snap.  
(River upgrades everyone's spacesuit. Nikko grabs Matthew.)  
NIKKO: With me. Come on.

**[Shop]**

MATTHEW: What are we doing? We shopping? Is it a good time to shop?  
(There is a lectern by a small dais with three roundels in it.)  
NIKKO: No talking, just moving. Try it. Right, stand there in the middle. It's a teleport. Stand in the middle. Can't send the others, Tardis won't recognise them.  
MATTHEW: What are you doing?  
NIKKO: You don't have a suit. You're not safe.  
MATTHEW: You don't have a suit, so you're in just as much danger as I am and I'm not leaving you  
NIKKO: Matthew, let me explain.  
(Matthew teleports away.)  
NIKKO: Oh, that's how you do it.  
RIVER [OC]: Nikko.

**[Rotunda]**

NIKKO: Where did it go?  
DAVE: It's just gone. I looked round, one shadow, see.  
RIVER: Does that mean we can leave? I don't want to hang around here.  
LUX: I don't know why we're still here. We can leave him, can't we? I mean, no offence.  
RIVER: Shut up, Mister Lux.  
NIKKO: Did you feel anything, like an energy transfer? Anything at all?  
DAVE: No, no, but look, it's gone.  
(Dave turns around.)  
NIKKO: Stop there. Stop, stop, stop there. Stop moving. They're never just gone and they never give up.  
(He sonics the floor by Dave.)  
NIKKO: Well, this one's benign.  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?  
NIKKO: No one, they're fine.  
DAVE: No seriously, turn them back on.  
RIVER: They are on.  
DAVE: I can't see a ruddy thing.  
NIKKO: Dave, turn around.  
(Dave turns back to Nikko, his visor completely dark.)  
DAVE: What's going on? Why can't I see? Is the power gone? Are we safe here?  
NIKKO: Dave, I want you stay still. Absolutely still.  
(Dave jerks.)  
NIKKO: Dave? Dave? Dave, can you hear me? Are you all right? Talk to me, Dave.  
DAVE: I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm fine.  
NIKKO: I want you to stay still. Absolutely still.  
DAVE: I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm fine. I can't. Why can't I? I, I can't. Why can't I? I, I can't. Why can't I? I  
(Dave's comm. unit lights blink.)  
RIVER: He's gone. He's ghosting.  
LUX: Then why is he still standing?  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights? Hey, who turned out the lights?  
RIVER: Nikko, don't.  
NIKKO: Dave, can you hear me?  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?  
(Dave grabs Nikko by the throat. A skull is now visible in his helmet.)  
DAVE: Who turned out the lights? Hey, who turned out the lights?  
RIVER: Excuse me.  
(River zaps the zombie with her sonic screwdriver, freeing Nikko.)  
NIKKO: Back from it! Get back. Right back.  
(Zombie Dave lurches a step towards them.)  
RIVER: Doesn't move very fast, does it?  
NIKKO: It's a swarm in a suit. But it's learning.  
(Zombie Dave has four shadows, and they are growing.)  
LUX: What do we do? Where do we go?  
RIVER: See that wall behind you? Duck.  
(River fires a gun at the wall and makes a square hole in it.)  
NIKKO: Squareness gun!  
RIVER: Everybody out. Go, go, go. Move it. Move, move. Move it. Move, move.

**[Stacks]**

RIVER: You said not every shadow.  
NIKKO: But any shadow.  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?  
RIVER: Run!

**[Girl's home]**

FATHER: Sweetie, dinner's ready.

**[Stacks]**

(Somewhere amongst the massive shelves of books, Nikko is trying to sonic a light fitting.)  
NIKKP: Trying to boost the power. Light doesn't stop them, but it slows them down.  
RIVER: So, what's the plan? Do we have a plan?  
DOCTOR: Your screwdriver looks exactly like mine.  
RIVER: Yeah. You gave it to me.  
DOCTOR: I don't give my screwdriver to anyone.  
RIVER: I'm not anyone.  
DOCTOR: Who are you?  
RIVER: What's the plan?  
DAVE [OC]: Hey, who turned out the lights?  
DAVE [OC]: Hey, who turned out the lights?

**EPISODE NINE**

**[Stacks]**

DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights? Hey, who turned out the lights?  
(River uses the squareness gun on the wall.)  
RIVER: This way, quickly. Move!  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?

**[Rotunda]**

(The large moon is hanging high in the orange sky. River cuts a square in the wall with her gun and enters.)  
RIVER: OK, we've got a clear spot. In, in, in! Right in the centre. In the middle of the light, quickly. Don't let your shadows cross. Nikko.  
NIKKO: I'm doing it.  
RIVER: There's no lights here. Sunset's coming. We can't stay long. Have you found a live one?  
NIKKO: Maybe. It's getting harder to tell. What's wrong with you?  
RIVER: We're going to need a chicken leg. Who's got a chicken leg? Thanks, Dave.  
(She throws the meat into the shadow, and once again it is just bone before it hits the ground.)  
RIVER: Okay. Okay, we've got a hot one. Watch your feet.  
NIKKO: They won't attack until there's enough of them. But they've got our scent now. They're coming.  
OTHER DAVE: Oh, yeah, who is he? You haven't even told us. You just expect us to trust him?  
RIVER: He's Nikko.  
RIVER: The only story you'll ever tell, if you survive him.  
ANITA: You say he's your friend, but he doesn't even know who you are.  
RIVER: Listen, all you need to know is this. I'd trust that man to the end of the universe. And actually, we've been.  
ANITA: He doesn't act like he trusts you.  
RIVER: Yeah, there's a tiny problem. He hasn't met me yet.  
(She goes over to where Nikko is still scanning shadows.)  
RIVER: What's wrong with it?  
NIKKO: There's a signal coming from somewhere, interfering with it.  
RIVER: Then use the red settings.  
NIKKO: It doesn't have a red setting.  
RIVER: Well, use the dampers.  
NIKKO: It doesn't have dampers.  
RIVER: It will do one day.  
(Nikko takes River's sonic screwdriver.)  
NIKKO: So, some time in the future, I just give you my screwdriver.  
RIVER: Yeah.  
NIKKO: Why would I do that?  
RIVER: I didn't pluck it from your cold dead hands, if that's what you're worried about.  
NIKKO: And I know that because?  
RIVER: Listen to me. You've lost your friend. You're angry. I understand. But you need to be less emotional, Nikko, right now.  
NIKKO: Less emotional? I'm not emotional.  
RIVER: There are five people in this room still alive. Focus on that. Dear God, you're hard work young.  
NIKKO: Young? Who are you?  
LUX: Oh, for heaven's sake! Look at the pair of you. We're all going to die right here, and you're just squabbling like an old married couple.  
RIVER: Nikko, one day I'm going to be someone that you trust completely, but I can't wait for you to find that out. So I'm going to prove it to you. And I'm sorry. I'm really very sorry.  
RIVER: Are we good? Nikko, are we good?  
NIKKO: Yeah, we're good.  
RIVER: Good.  
(River takes back her screwdriver and leaves him.)  
NIKKO: Know what's interesting about my screwdriver? Very hard to interfere with. Practically nothing's strong enough. Well, some hairdryers, but I'm working on that. So there is a very strong signal coming from somewhere, and it wasn't there before. So what's new? What's changed? Come on! What's new? What's different?  
DAVE 2: I don't know. Nothing. It's getting dark?  
NIKKO: It's a screwdriver. It works in the dark. Moon rise. Tell me about the moon. What's there?  
LUX: It's not real. It was built as part of the Library. It's just a Doctor Moon.  
NIKKO: What's a Doctor Moon?  
LUX: A virus checker. It supports and maintains the main computer at the core of the planet.  
NIKKO: Well, still active. It's signalling. Look. Someone somewhere in this library is alive and communicating with the moon. Or, possibly alive and drying their hair. No, the signal is definitely coming from the moon. I'm blocking it, but it's trying to break through.  
ANITA: Professor?  
RIVER: Just a moment.  
ANITA: It's important. I have two shadows.  
RIVER: Okay. Helmets on, everyone. Anita, I'll get yours.  
ANITA: It didn't do Proper Dave any good.  
RIVER: Just keep it together, okay?  
ANITA: Keeping it together. I'm only crying. I'm about to die. It's not an overreaction.  
(River puts the helmet on Anita.)  
NIKKO: Hang on.  
(Nikko sonics the visor black.)  
RIVER: Oh God, they've got inside.  
NIKKO: No, no, no. I just tinted her visor. Maybe they'll think they're already in there, leave her alone.  
RIVER: Do you think they can be fooled like that?  
NIKKO: Maybe. I don't know. It's a swarm. It's not like we chat.  
OTHER DAVE: Can you still see in there?  
ANITA: Just about.  
NIKKO: Just, just, just stay back. Professor, a quick word, please.  
RIVER: What?  
NIKKO: Down here.  
They crouch down.  
RIVER: What is it?  
NIKKO: Look, you said there are five people still alive in this room.  
RIVER: Yeah, so?  
NIKKO: So, why are there six?  
(Skeletal zombie Dave has caught up to them.)  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?  
NIKKO: Run!  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?

**[Stacks]**

(The group run through a high level walkway to another library skyscraper.)  
NIKKO: Professor, go ahead. Find a safe spot.  
RIVER: It's a carnivorous swarm in a suit. You can't reason with it.  
NIKKO: Five minutes.  
RIVER: Other Dave, stay with him. Pull him out when he's too stupid to live. Two minutes, Nikko.  
(Zombie Dave barges through the doors.)  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?  
NIKKO: You hear that? Those words? That is the very last thought of the man who wore that suit before you climbed inside and stripped his flesh. That's a man's soul trapped inside a neural relay, going round and round forever. Now, if you don't have the decency to let him go, how about this? Use him. Talk to me. It's easy. Neural relay. Just point and think. Use him, talk to me.  
DAVE: Hey, who turned out the lights?  
NIKKO: The Vashta Nerada live on all the worlds in this system, but you hunt in forests. What are you doing in a library?  
OTHER DAVE: We should go. Nikko!  
NIKKO: In a minute. You came to the library to hunt. Why? Just tell me why?  
VASHTA NERADA: We did not.  
NIKKO: Oh, hello.  
VASHTA NERADA: We did not.  
NIKKO: Take it easy, you'll get the hang of it. Did not what?  
VASHTA NERADA: We did not come here.  
NIKKO: Well, of course you did. Of course you came here.  
VASHTA NERADA: We come from here.  
NIKKO: From here?  
VASHTA NERADA: We hatched here.  
NIKKO: But you hatch from trees. From spores in trees.  
VASHTA NERADA: These are our forests.  
NIKKO: You're nowhere near a forest. Look around you.  
VASHTA NERADA: These are our forests.  
NIKKO: You're not in a forest, you're in a library. There are no trees in a (the penny drops) library.  
NIKKO: Books. You came in the books. Microspores in a million, million books.  
NIKKO: Oh, look at that. The forests of the Vashta Nerada, pulped and printed and bound. A million, million books, hatching shadows.  
NIKKO: Oh, Dave! Oh Dave, I'm so sorry.  
(Other Dave is also a skeleton now.)  
NIKKO: Thing about me, I'm stupid. I talk too much. Always babbling on. This gob doesn't stop for anything. Want to know the only reason I'm still alive? Always stay near the door.  
(Nikko opens a trapdoor with his sonic screwdriver and drops. The girl watches him on the television as he hangs on to a support strut and inches his way along, screwdriver clenched between his teeth.)

**[Reading room]**

(Night has fallen. River and her remaining team are in another round room. She is checking the shadows with her screwdriver.)  
RIVER: You know, it's funny, I keep wishing Nikko was here.  
ANITA: Nikko is here, isn't he? He is coming back, right?  
RIVER: You know when you see a photograph of someone you know, but it's from years before you knew them. and it's like they're not quite finished. They're not done yet. Well, yes, Nikko's here. He came when I called, just like he always does. But not my Nikko. Now Nikko, I've seen whole armies turn and run away. And he'd just swagger off back to his Tardis and open the doors with a snap of his fingers. Nikko in the Tardis. Next stop, everywhere.  
NIKKO: Spoilers. Nobody can open a Tardis by snapping their fingers. It doesn't work like that.  
RIVER: It does for Nikko.  
NIKKI: I am him.  
RIVER: Yeah. Some day.  
NIKKO: How are you doing?  
RIVER: Where's Other Dave?  
NIKKO: Not coming. Sorry.  
ANITA: Well, if they've taken him, why haven't they gotten me yet?  
NIKKO: I don't know. Maybe tinting your visor's making a difference.  
(Anita has two shadows.)  
ANITA: It's making a difference all right. No one's ever going to see my face again.  
NIKKO: Can I get you anything?  
ANITA: An old age would be nice. Anything you can do?  
NIKKO: I'm all over it.  
ANITA: Nikko. When we first met you, you didn't trust Professor Song. And then she whispered a word in your ear, and you did. My life so far. I could do with a word like that. What did she say? Give a dead girl a break. Your secrets are safe with me.  
NIKKO: Safe.  
ANITA: What?  
NIKKO: Safe. You don't say saved. Nobody says saved. You say safe. The data fragment! What did it say?  
LUX: Four thousand and twenty two people saved. No survivors.  
RIVER: Nikko?  
NIKKO: Nobody says saved. Nutters say saved. You say safe. You see, it didn't mean safe. It meant, it literally meant, saved! ****

[Reading room]

(Nikko has got into a Library Archive File.)  
NIKKO: See, there it is, right there. A hundred years ago, massive power surge. All the teleports going at once. Soon as the Vashta Nerada hit their hatching cycle, they attack. Someone hits the alarm. The computer tries to teleport everyone out.  
RIVER: It tried to teleport four thousand twenty two people?  
NIKKO: It succeeded. Pulled them all out, but then what? Nowhere to send them. Nowhere safe in the whole library. Vashta Nerada growing in every shadow. Four thousand and twenty two people all beamed up and nowhere to go. They're stuck in the system, waiting to be sent, like emails. So what's a computer to do? What does a computer always do?  
RIVER: It saved them.  
(Nikko draws on a large polished table.)  
NIKKO: The library. A whole world of books, and right at the core, the biggest hard drive in history. The index to everything ever written, backup copies of every single book. The computer saved four thousand and twenty two people the only way a computer can. It saved them to the hard drive.

**[Reading room]**

(An alarm sounds.)  
LUX: What is it? What's wrong?  
COMPUTER: Autodestruct enabled in twenty minutes.

**[Reading room]**

RIVER: What's maximum erasure?  
DOCTOR: In twenty minutes, this planet's going to crack like an egg.  
LUX: No. No, it's all right. The Doctor Moon will stop it. It's programmed to protect Cal.

**[Data Room]**

(River punches Nikko, knocking him out. A little later, River is twisting some wires together.)  
COMPUTER: Autodestruct in two minutes.  
(The Doctor wakes up.)  
NIKKO: Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on, what are you doing? That's my job.  
RIVER: Oh, and I'm not allowed to have a career, I suppose?  
NIKKO: Why am I handcuffed? Why do you even have handcuffs?  
RIVER: Spoilers.  
NIKKO: This is not a joke. Stop this now. This is going to kill you! I'd have a chance, you don't have any.  
RIVER: You wouldn't have a chance, and neither do I. I'm timing it for the end of the countdown. There'll be a blip in the command flow. That way it should improve our chances of a clean download.  
NIKKO: River, please. No.  
COMPUTER: Autodestuct in one minute.  
RIVER: You wouldn't tell me why, but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue.  
(The two screwdrivers and her diary are just out of Nikk's reach.)  
RIVER: There's nothing you can do.  
NIKKO: You can let me do this.  
RIVER: If you die here, it'll mean I've never met you.  
NIKKO: Time can be rewritten.  
RIVER: Not those times. Not one line. Don't you dare? It's okay. It's okay. It's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me, time and space. You watch us run.  
NIKKO: River, you know my name.  
COMPUTER: Autodestruct in ten  
NIKKO: You whispered my name in my ear.  
COMPUTER: Nine, eight, seven  
NIKKO: There's only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could.  
RIVER: Hush, now.  
COMPUTER Four, three  
RIVER: Spoilers.  
COMPUTER: Two, one  
(River joins two power cables together, and there is a blinding light.)

**[Children's bedroom]**

(River closes her diary.)  
RIVER: Everybody lives.


	10. Episode 10 - A Stolen Earth (Part 1)

GRAND THEFT FAIL

SERIES TWO

EPISODE 11

A STOLEN EARTH

**[Street]**

(The Tardis lands on the grass verge of a suburban street.)  
NIKKO: It's fine. Everything's fine. Nothing's wrong, all fine. Excuse me. What day is it?  
MILKMAN: Saturday.  
NIKKO: Saturday. Good. Good, I like Saturdays.  
MACY: So, I just met Bella, again?  
NIKKO: Yeah.  
MACY: But she's from our world.  
NIKKO: Exactly. If she can cross from our world to your parallel world, than that means the walls of the universe are breaking down, which puts everything in danger. Everything. But how?  
(Nikko and Macy go back into the Tardis. The bottles on the milk float start to shake alarmingly, and tiles fall off roofs.)

**[Tardis]**

MACY: The thing is, Nikko, no matter what's happening, and I'm sure it's bad, I get that but Bella is back. Isn't that good?  
NIKKO: Yeah.  
(Bang! The Tardis shakes.)  
(Matthew and Bella come from inside the Tardis)  
MATTHEW: What the hell was that?  
NIKKO: Don't know. It came from outside.  
(Nikko opens the doors. There are just a few pieces of space rock floating nearby.)  
MACY: But we're in space. How did that happen? What did you do?  
(Nikko checks the scanner readings.)  
NIKKO: We haven't moved. We're fixed. It can't have. No. The Tardis is still in the same place, but the Earth has gone. The entire planet. It's gone.

**[UNIT New York]**

(Far across the universe, according to the caption, Martha Jones is lying on the upper floor of a skyscraper while sparks and smoke go on around her.)  
MAN [OC]: Give me a Sit Rep right now. Confirm all stations still online. Can anyone hear me? Have we got contact with UNIT base Geneva?  
MARTHA: What was that?  
WOMAN [OC]: Emergency systems online.  
MARTHA: Was it some sort of earthquake, or? Jalandra, you all right?  
WOMAN [OC]: Start the back up generators. Get the unisystem operational. Come on, do it fast.  
(A man answers Martha.)  
JALANDRA: Yeah, I'm okay.  
MARTHA: Is anyone hurt? We've lost power. Someone get the lights back on. DaCosta, see to it right now. Suzanne? Are you okay?  
(Suzanne is staring out of a window.)  
SUZANNE: Martha, look at the sky.  
MARTHA: Why, what is it?  
SUZANNE: Just look at the sky.

**[Torchwood]**

(A tremor has throws the furniture around in Cardiff, too.)  
JACK: Whoa, what happened? Was it the Rift? Gwen? Liam? You okay?  
LIAM: No broken bones. Slight loss of dignity. No change there then.  
GWEN: The whole of the city must've felt that. The whole of South Wales.  
JACK: I'm going to take a look outside.  
(Jack runs out while Liam activates a computer screen.)  
LIAM: A little bit bigger than South Wales.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

(Ealing, London.)  
SARAH: Luke, are you all right?  
LUKE: Felt like some sort of cross-dimensional spatial transference.  
SARAH: But it's night. It wasn't night. It was eight o'clock in the morning. Mister Smith, I need you.  
(A brick fireplace transforms into a computer.)  
SARAH: Can you just stop giving that fanfare? You just tell me what happened.  
MR SMITH: Sarah Jane, I think you should look outside. I think you'll find the visual evidence most conclusive.

**[Outside the Nobles' home]**

WILF: It's gone dark. It's them aliens, I'll bet my pension. What do you want this time, you green swine?  
(He brandishes his cricket bat.)  
SYLVIA: Dad.  
WILF: Look, you get back inside, Sylvia. They always want the women.  
SYLVIA: No, Dad, just look. Oh, my God. Look at the sky.

**[Outside Sarah Jane's house]**

SARAH: That's impossible.

**[Roald Dahl Plass]**

JACK: That's just impossible.

**[UNIT New York]**

MARTHA: It can't be.

**[Tardis]**

MACY + MATTHEW: But if the Earth's been moved, they've lost the Sun. What about our Mum? And Granddad? They're dead, aren't they? Are they dead?  
NIKKO: I don't know, Matthew, Macy and Bella. I just don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know.  
MACY: That's mine and Matthew's family. My whole world.  
NIKKO: There's no readings. Nothing. Not a trace. Not even a whisper. Oh, that is fearsome technology.  
m: So what do we do?  
DOCTOR: We've got to get help.  
DONNA: From where?  
DOCTOR: Donna, I'm taking you to the Shadow Proclamation. Hold tight.

**[****Sarah Jane's home]**

DALEK [OC]: Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.  
SARAH: No.

**[Torchwood]**

DALEK [OC]: Exterminate.  
JACK: There's nothing I can do.  
DALEK [OC]: Exterminate.  
JACK: I'm sorry. We're dead.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

DALEK [OC]: Exterminate. Exterminate.  
SARAH: Oh God, you're so young.

**[Shop]**

DALEK [OC]: Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.  
(Rose goes outside the shop, which is called Megabyte City, to see a massive flying saucer pass overhead, firing at random. She walks away as a bolt takes out a nearby shop.)

**[Crucible]**

(A mega-spaceship that looks more like an asteroid with engines.)  
DALEK: Dalek fleet in battle formation.  
DALEK 2: All systems locked and primed.  
DALEK 3: Crucible at ninety percent efficiency.  
DALEK 4: The human harvest will commence.

**[UNIT New York]**

SANCHEZ: Battle stations! Geneva declaring Ultimate Code Red. Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war.  
(Blasts shake the building. Martha runs to a window to see the saucers shooting at the skyscrapers.)

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: Supreme Dalek on the bridge.  
(The Red Dalek enters.)  
RED DALEK: Soon the Crucible will be complete. We have waited long for this ultimate destiny. Now the Daleks are the masters of Earth.  
(We are shown lots of Daleks floating in the air.)  
DALEKS: Daleks are the masters of Earth. Daleks are the masters of Earth.

**[Tardis]**

MACY: So go on then, what is the Shadow Proclamation anyway?  
NIKKO: Posh name for police. Outer space police. Here we go.

**[Corridor]**

(The Tardis lands in an ordinary looking corridor somewhere in a complex built on three linked asteroids. They are greeted by an armed platoon.)  
JUDOON: Sco bo tro no flo jo ko fo to to.  
NIKKO: No bo ho sho ko ro to so. Bokodozogobofopojo.  
(The Judoon come to attention.)  
NIKKO: Moho.

**[Shadow Proclamation]**

(A silver-haired woman in a black gown is pacing.)  
ARCHITECT: Time Lords are the stuff of legend. They belong in the myths and whispers of the Higher Species. You cannot possibly exist.  
NIKKO: Yeah. More to the point, I've got a missing planet.  
ARCHITECT: Then you're not as wise as the stories would say. The picture is far bigger than you imagine. The whole universe is in outrage, Nikko. Twenty four worlds have been taken from the sky.  
NIKKO: How many?. Which ones? Show me.  
(He joins the woman at her computer screen.)  
ARCHITECT: Locations range far and wide, but all disappeared at the exact same moment, leaving no trace.  
NIKKO: Callufrax Minorr. Jahoo. Shallacatop. Woman Wept. Clom. Clom's gone? Who'd want Clom?  
ARCHITECT: All different sizes. Some populated, some not. But all unconnected.  
MACY: What about Pyrovillia?  
ARCHITECT: Who is the female?  
MACY: Macy. I'm a human being. Maybe not the stuff of legend but every bit as important as Time Lords, thank you. Way back, when we were in Pompeii, Lucius said Pyrovillia had gone missing.  
JUDOON: Pyrovillia is cold case. Not relevant.  
MACY: How do you mean, cold case?  
ARCHITECT: The planet Pyrovillia cannot be part of this. It disappeared over two thousand years ago.  
MACY: Yes, yes, hang on. But there's the Adipose breeding planet, too. Miss Foster said that was lost, but that must've been a long time ago.  
NIKKO: That's it! Macy, brilliant. Planets are being taken out of time as well as space. Let's put this into 3-D.  
(Holograms of the missing planets start to fill the room.)  
NIKKO: Now, if we add Pyrovillia and Adipose Three. Something missing. Where else, where else, where else? Where else lost, lost, lost, lost.  
MATTHEW: The Lost Moon of Poosh.  
(With the last sphere added, the representations suddenly reorganise themselves.)  
ARCHITECT: What did you do?  
NIKKO: Nothing. The planets rearranged themselves into the optimum pattern. Oh, look at that. Twenty seven planets in perfect balance. Come on, that is gorgeous.  
MACY: Oi, don't get all spaceman. What does it mean?  
NIKKO: All those worlds fit together like pieces of an engine. It's like a powerhouse. What for?  
ARCHITECT: Who could design such a thing?  
NIKKO: Someone tried to move the Earth once before. Long time ago. Can't be.

**[Earth orbit]**

(Flying Daleks attack the Valiant.)  
DALEKS: Maximum extermination.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: We're a bit late. The signal's scattered, but it's a start.  
(Nikko puts his head out of the Tardis door.)  
NIKKO: I've got a blip. It's just a blip, But it's definitely a blip.  
ARCHITECT: Then according to the Strictures of the Shadow Proclamation, I will have to seize your transport and your technology.  
NIKKO: Oh, really? What for?  
ARCHITECT: The planets were stolen with hostile intent. We are declaring war, Nikko, right across the universe, and you will lead us into battle.  
NIKKO: Right. Yes. Course I will. I'll just go and get you the key.

**[Corridor]**

(The Tardis dematerialises. )  
ARCHITECT: Nikko, come back! By the Holy Writ of the Shadow Proclamation, I order you to stop!

**[Nobles' home]**

DALEK [OC]: You will obey Dalek instructions without question. You will obey your Dalek ma  
(Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep.)  
HARRIET [OC]: Can anyone hear me? The Subwave Network is open. You should be able to hear my voice Is there anyone there?  
(A static ridden picture comes on the laptop screen.)

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

LUKE: Who's that?  
SARAH: Some poor soul calling for help.  
HARRIET [OC]: Can anyone hear me?  
SARAH: There's nothing we can do.  
LUKE: But look at Mister Smith.  
MR SMITH: Processing incoming Subwave.

**[Torchwood]**

HARRIET [OC]: This message is of the utmost importance. We haven't much time. Can anyone hear me?  
GWEN: Someone's trying to get in touch.  
JACK: The whole world's crying out. Just leave it.  
(The image starts to resolve into colour.)  
HARRIET [on screen]: Captain Jack Harkness, shame on you. Now stand to attention, sir.  
JACK: What? Who is that?  
(Harriet holds up her ID.)  
HARRIET [on screen]: Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.  
JACK: Yeah, I know who you are. ****

[Harriet's home]

HARRIET: Sarah Jane Smith, 13 Bannerman Road.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

HARRIET [on screen]: Are you there?  
SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, I'm here. That, that's me.  
HARRIET [on screen]: Good. Now

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: Let's see if we can talk to each other.  
(Three images come up on the four quarters of the screen - Harriet, Jack, Sarah and Luke and static.)  
HARRIET: The fourth contact seems to be having some trouble getting through.

**[Torchwood]**

JACK: Ha, ha! Martha Jones.

**[Francine's home]**

MARTHA: Than we thought. One second I was in Manhattan, next second. Maybe Indigo tapped into my mind, because I ended up in the one place that I wanted to be.  
(Lying on the floor by the front door.)  
MARTHA [memory]: Mum?  
FRANCINE: You came home. At the end of the world, you came back to me.  
MARTHA: But then all of a sudden, it's like the laptop turned itself on.  
HARRIET [on screen]: It did.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: That was me.

**[Francine's home]**

HARRIET [on screen]: Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.  
MARTHA: Yes, I know who you are.  
HARRIET [on screen]: I thought it was about time we all met

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

HARRIET [on screen]: Given the current crisis. Torchwood, this is Sarah Jane Smith.  
JACK [on screen]: I've been following your work. Nice job with the Slitheen.  
SARAH: Yeah, well, I've been staying away from you lot. Too many guns.  
(She nods towards young Luke.)  
JACK [on screen]: All the same, might I say looking good, ma'am?  
SARAH: Really? Ooo.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: Not now, Captain. And Martha Jones

**[Nobles' home]**

HARRIET [on screen]: Former companion to the Doctor.  
ROSE: Oi. So was I.

**[Francine's home]**

MARTHA: But how did you find me?  
HARRIET [on screen]: This, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Subwave Network.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: A sentient piece of software programmed to seek out anyone and everyone who can help to contact the Doctor.

**[Francine's home]**

MARTHA: What if the Daleks can hear us?

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: No, that's the beauty of the Subwave. It's undetectable.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

SARAH: And you invented it?  
HARRIET [on screen]: I developed it.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: It was created by the Mister Copper Foundation.  
JACK [on screen]: Yeah, but what we need right now is a weapon.

**[Torchwood]**

JACK: Martha, back there at UNIT, what, what did they

**[Francine's home]**

JACK [on screen]: Give you? What was that key thing?  
MARTHA: The Osterhagen key.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: That key is not to be used, Doctor Jones. Not under any circumstances.

**[Torchwood]**

JACK: But what is an Osterhagen key?

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: Forget about the key, and that's an order.

**[Francine's home]**

HARRIET [on screen]: All we need is Nikko.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

SARAH: Only, excuse me, Harriet, but. Well, the thing is, if you're looking for Nikko, didn't he depose you?

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: He did. And I've wondered about that for a long time, whether I was wrong. But I stand by my actions to this day, because I knew, I knew

**[Francine's home]**

HARRIET [on screen]: That one day, the Earth would be in danger, and Nikko would fail to appear.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: I told him so myself, and he didn't listen.

**[Francine's home]**

MARTHA: But I've been trying to find him. Nikko's got my phone on the Tardis, but I can't get through.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: Combine forces. Nikko's secret

**[Torchwood]**

HARRIET [on screen]: Army.  
JACK: Wait a minute. We boost the signal. That's it. We transmit that telephone number through Torchwood itself, using all the power of the Rift.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

LUKE: And we've got Mister Smith.

**[Torchwood]**

LUKE [on screen]: He can link up with every telephone exchange on the Earth.

**[Francine's home]**

LUKE [on screen]: He can get the whole world to call the same number, all at the same time.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

LUKE: Billions of phones, calling out all at once.

**[Torchwood]**

JACK: Brilliant. Who's the kid?  
SARAH [on screen]: That's my son.  
IANTO: Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Hello. Ianto Jones. Er, if we start

**[Harriet's home]**

IANTO [on screen]: Transmitting, then this Subwave Network is going to become visible. I mean, to the Daleks.  
HARRIET: Yes, and they'll trace it back to me. But my life doesn't matter. Not if it saves the Earth.

**[Torchwood]**

(Jack salutes.)  
JACK: Ma'am.  
HARRIET [on screen]: Thank you, Captain.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: But there are people out there dying on the streets.

**[Nobles' home]**

WILF: Marvellous woman. I voted for her.  
SYLVIA: You did not.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: Now, enough of words. Let's begin.

**[Torchwood]**

JACK: Rift power activated.  
GWEN: All terminals coordinated.  
(Ianto plugs in a big power cable.)  
IANTO: National grid online. Giving you everything we've got.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

SARAH: Connecting you to Mister Smith.  
LUKE: All telephone networks combined.

**[Francine's home]**

MARTHA: Sending you the number now.  
(Calling 07700 900461)

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: Opening Subwave Network to maximum.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

SARAH: Mister Smith, make that call.  
MR SMITH: Calling Nikko.

**[Nobles' home]**

ROSE: So am I.

**[Torchwood]**

JACK: And sending.  
(Circles of energy pulse out from the ornamental waterfall in Roald Dahl Plass.)

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Phone! It's a signal.  
MACY: Can we follow it?  
(Nikko dons his stethoscope.)  
NIKKO: Oh, just watch me.

**[Torchwood]**

(Things are going Bang! with the energy overload.)  
JACK: I think we've got a fix.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

SARAH: Mister Smith now at two hundred per cent.  
(Bang! Sparks.)  
SARAH: Oh, come on, Nikko.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Got it. Locking on. ****

[Tardis]

(Bangs and flames here, too.)  
NIKKO: We're travelling through time. One second in the future. The phone call's pulling us through.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: Captain, I'm transferring the Subwave Network to Torchwood. You're in charge now. And tell the Doctor from me

**[Torchwood]**

HARRIET [on screen]: He chose his companions well.

**[Harriet's home]**

HARRIET: It's been an honour.  
(Harriet gets up to face the three Daleks who have smashed their way in, and shows her ID.)  
HARRIET: Harriet Jones. Former Prime Minister.  
DALEK: Yes, we know who you are.  
HARRIET: Oh, you know nothing of any human, and that will be your downfall.  
DALEK: Exterminate.  
(The first quarter of the screen dissolves into static.)

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Three, two, one.  
(Nikko, Macy and Bella scream as the planets pop into existence around them. The Tardis stops shaking.)  
BELLA: Twenty seven planets. And there's the Earth. But why couldn't we see them?  
NIKKO: The entire Medusa Cascade has been put a second out of sync with the rest of the universe. Perfect hiding place. Tiny little pocket of time. But we found them.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: Subwave Network rerouted. New location, Torchwood.  
RED DALEK: Then exterminate them at once. Exterminate Torchwood.

**[Torchwood]**  
JACK: Martha, open that Indigo device. Now listen to me. Lift the central panel. There's a string of numbers that keep changing

**[Francine's home]**

JACK [on phone]: But the fourth number keeps oscillating between two different digits. Tell me what they are.  
MARTHA: It's a four and a nine. We could never work out what that was.

**[Torchwood]**

JACK: Yeah, that's the teleport base code. And that's all I need, to get this thing working again.  
(Jack activates his wrist teleport.)  
JACK: Oscillating four and nine. Thank you, Martha Jones.  
(Gwen gives Jack a big weapon.)  
JACK: I've got to go. I've got to find the Doctor. I'll come back. I'm coming back.  
GWEN: Don't worry about us. Just go.  
LIAM: We'll be fine.  
JACK: You'd better be.  
(Jack vanishes. Boom! Rubble falls from the ceiling.)  
DALEK [OC]: Exterminate. Exterminate.  
GWEN: They're here.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

MR SMITH: Tardis heading for vector seven. Grid reference six six five.  
(Sarah runs for the door.)  
LUKE: But there are Daleks out there.  
SARAH: I know,. I'm sorry, but I have got to find Nikko. Don't move. Don't leave the house. Don't do anything.  
MR SMITH: I will protect the boy, Sarah Jane.  
SARAH: I love you. Remember that.  
(Sarah runs out to her car and drives off.)

**[Outside the church]**

(The one where Donna was supposed to get married?)  
DONNA: Like a ghost town.  
(Jack appears and blasts a Dalek.)  
**  
[Torchwood]**

(Gwen fetches machine guns.)  
IANTO: But they don't work against Daleks.  
GWEN: Yeah? Well, I'm going out fighting. Like Owen, like Tosh. How about you?  
DALEK [OC]: Exterminate.  
IANTO: Yes, ma'am.  
DALEKS: Exterminate.

**[Sarah Jane's car]**

(Sarah screeches to a halt behind two Daleks. They turn around slowly.)  
DALEK: All human transport is forbidden.  
SARAH: I surrender. I'm sorry!  
DALEK: Daleks do not accept apologies. You will be exterminated.  
DALEK 2: Exterminate.  
DALEK: Exterminate.

TO BE CONTINUED


	11. Episode 11 - Our Journey's End (Part 2)

GRAND THEFT FAIL  
SERIES TWO  
EPISODE 11  
THE JOURNEYS END HERE

**[Torchwood]**

(Gwen and Liam empty their machinegun clips at the Dalek, who isn't shooting back. When they stop, they see the bullets hanging in midair. Gwen touches the air and it ripples like water.)  
GWEN: What the hell?

**[Torchwood]**

(Liam is checking the data banks.)  
LIAM: It's a Time Lock. The ultimate defence programme. Tosh was working on it. Never thought she finished it, but she did. The Hub's sealed in a time bubble. Nothing can get in.  
GWEN: But that means we can't get out.  
Liam: Nope. Not without unlocking that Dalek. We're trapped inside. It's all up to Jack now.

**[Street]**

(The Tardis is in the middle of a litter-strewn street, surrounded by four Daleks.)  
DALEK: Report. Tardis has been located.

**[Dalek spaceship]**

RED DALEK: Bring it here. Bring the Time Lord to me! Initiate temporal prison.

**[Street]**

(The four Daleks create a shining blue energy ring around the Tardis.)  
DALEK: Temporal prison initiated.

**[Tardis]**

(The power goes out.)  
NIKKO: They've got us. Power's gone. Some kind of chronon loop.  
(The Tardis tilts with a jerk.)

**[Francine's home]**

(Martha puts the Project Indigo backpack on.)  
MARTHA: Now Jack's explained the base code, I know how this teleport works. I think. But you just stay indoors. There's no Daleks on this street. You should be all right. Just er, keep quiet.  
FRANCINE: But where are you going?  
MARTHA: I'm a member of UNIT, and they gave me the Osterhagen Key. I've got to do my job. I'm sorry.  
FRANCINE: Martha. What's an Osterhagen Key? Tell me. What does it do?  
MARTHA: Love you.  
(Martha pulls her ripcords and vanishes.)

**[Germany - 60 miles outside Nuremberg]**

(Martha lands in a wood. Daleks can be heard shouting their favourite word in German.)  
DALEK [OC]: Exterminieren! Exterminieren!  
DALEK 2 [OC]: Halt! Sonst werden wir Sie exterminieren! Sie sind jetzt ein Gefangener der Daleks!  
(Martha sees a Dalek patrol gliding above the forest floor.)  
DALEK: Exterminieren. Exterminieren.

**[Tardis]**

JACK: There's a massive Dalek ship at the centre of the planets. They're calling it the Crucible. Guess that's our destination.  
BELLA: You said these planets were like an engine. But what for?  
NIKKO: Bella, you've been in a parallel world. That world's running ahead of this universe. You've seen the future. What was it?  
BELLA: It's the darkness.  
MACY: The stars were going out.  
MATTHEW: One by one. We looked up at the sky and they were just dying.  
(The scanner beeps.)  
NIKKO: The Dalek Crucible. All aboard.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: The Tardis is secured.  
RED DALEK: Time Lord, you will step forth or die.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: We'll have to go out. Because if we don't, they'll get in.  
BELLA: You told me nothing could get through those doors.  
NIKKO: This is a fully-fledged Dalek Empire, at the height of its power. Experts at fighting Tardises, they can do anything. Right now, that wooden door is just wood.  
(Macy can hear a heartbeat thumping in her ears.)  
NIKKO: Right then. All of us together. Yeah. Macy?  
(Macy is staring at nothing. He snaps her out of it.)  
NIKKO: Macy?  
MACY: Yeah.  
NIKKO: I'm sorry. There's nothing else we can do.  
MACY: No, I know.

**[Crucible]**

(Nikko leads his companions out of the Tardis. Macy is lagging behind.)  
RED DALEK: Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks!  
DALEKS: Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks! Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks!  
(Macy stops inside the Tardis, the heartbeat thumping in her ears. Nikko looks up at the phalanxes of Daleks flying around.)  
DALEKS: Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks! Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks!  
RED DALEK: Behold, Nikko. Behold the might of the true Dalek race.  
NIKKO: Macy! You're no safer in there.  
(The Tardis door slams shut, trapping Macy inside.)  
NIKKO: What?

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Nikko? What have you done?

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: It wasn't me. I didn't do anything.

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Oi! Oi, I'm not staying behind!

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: What did you do?!  
RED DALEK: This is not of Dalek origin.

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Nikko!

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: Stop it! She's my friend. Now open the door and let her out.  
RED DALEK: This is Time Lord treachery.  
NIKKO: Me? The door just closed on its own.  
RED DALEK: Nevertheless, the Tardis is a weapon and it will be destroyed.  
(A trapdoor opens under the Tardis and it drops.)  
NIKKO: What are you doing? Bring it back!

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Nikko!

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: What have you done? Where's it going?  
RED DALEK: The Crucible has a heart of Z-neutrino energy. The Tardis will be deposited into the core.  
NIKKO: You can't. You've taken the defences down. It'll be torn apart!  
(The Tardis drops into the molten core. Fires break out and roundels explode.)  
BELLA: But Macy's still in there!  
MATTHEW: Let her go!  
RED DALEK: The female and the Tardis will perish together. Observe. The child of Gallifrey is powerless.  
(An image of the Tardis bobbing in the molten core appears.)  
NIKKO: Please. I'm begging you. I'll do anything! Put me in her place. You can do anything to me, I don't care, just get her out of there!  
RED DALEK: You are connected to the Tardis. Now feel it die.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK 3: Total Tardis destruction in ten rels. Nine, eight, seven, six  
(The new Doctor presses a button on the console.)  
DALEK 3: Five, four, three, two, one.  
(The Tardis vanishes.)  
RED DALEK: The Tardis has been destroyed. Now tell me. What do you feel? Anger? Sorrow? Despair?  
NIKKO: Yeah.  
RED DALEK: Then if emotions are so important, surely we have enhanced you?  
JACK: Yeah? Feel this! (Jack produces a small revolver and shoots at the Red Dalek.)  
RED DALEK: Exterminate!  
(The Red Dalek zaps Jack.)  
RED DALEK: Escort them to the Vault.  
NIKKO: There's nothing we can do.  
RED DALEK: They are the playthings of Davros now.

**[Outside the Schloss]**

GERMAN WOMAN: Hier ist niemand. Was immer Sie wollen, gehen Sie fort. Lassen Sie mich in Ruhe!  
MARTHA: Ich heisse Martha Jones. Ich komme von UNIT. Agentin fuenf sechs sechs sieben eins, von der medizinishen Abteilung.  
GERMAN WOMAN: Es hiess Sie kaemen vorbei. That accent. That is London, ja? I went to London. Long time ago.  
MARTHA: I thought this place was supposed to be guarded.  
GERMAN WOMAN: They were soldiers. Boys. I brought them food every day. But when der Albtraum came from the sky, they went home to die. But not you.  
MARTHA: I've got a job to do.

**[UNIT Germany]**

(The woman follows Martha through the dusty rooms to see her pull down a hanging and enter a code into a large keypad. Then it checks her handprint.)  
GERMAN WOMAN: London. In those days, to see it. So much glamour. I was so young. I heard the soldiers talking many times. They would speak of the Osterhagen Key. I think London must be changed now, yes? But still, the glamour.  
(The woman points a gun at Martha as she opens the secure door.)  
GERMAN WOMAN: You will not go.  
MARTHA: I've got no choice.  
GERMAN WOMAN: I know the Key. What it does. Sie sind der Albtraum, nicht die anderen, Sie! Ich sollte Sie umbringen, am besten gleich jetzt!  
MARTHA: Then do it.  
(But she can't. Martha steps into a small lift.)  
GERMAN WOMAN: Martha, Zur Hoelle mit Dir!  
MARTHA: I know.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: Commence disposal. Incinerate!  
(Jack is in a large tub with the other rubbish. It is slid along the floor and a steel door clangs down behind it.)  
DALEK: Disposal completed.  
(The Daleks leave. The steel door rises and Jack climbs out, coughing.)

**[Osterhagen One]**

(The lift brings Martha to a small high-tech room. She presses a button.)  
MARTHA: This is Osterhagen Station One. My name is Martha Jones. Is there anyone there? Over.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK 3: Prisoners now on board the Crucible. They will be taken for testing.  
SARAH: One step closer to the Nikko.

**[Vault]**

DAVROS: Activate the holding cells.  
(Spotlights shine down on Nikko, Matthew and Bella.)  
DAVROS: Excellent. Even when powerless, Time Lords are best contained.  
NIKKO: Still scared of me, then?  
DAVROS: It is time we talked,  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no, no. We're not doing the nostalgia tour. I want to know what's happening right here, right now, because the Supreme Dalek said Vault, yeah? As in dungeon, cellar, prison. You're not in charge of the Daleks, are you? They've got you locked away down here in the basement like, what, a servant? Slave? Court jester?  
DAVROS: We have an arrangement.  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no, no. No, I've got the word. You're the Dalek's pet!  
NIKKO: Was it you, Caan? Did you kill Macy? Why did the Tardis door close? Tell me!  
DAVROS: Oh, that's it. The anger, the fire, the rage of a Time Lord who butchered millions. There he is. Why so shy? Show your companion. Show her your true self. Dalek Caan has promised me that too.  
CAAN: I have seen. At the time of ending, the Time Lord's soul will be revealed.  
NIKKO: What does that mean?  
DAVROS: We will discover it together. Our final journey. Because the ending approaches. The testing begins.  
NIKKO: Testing of what?  
DAVROS: The Reality bomb.

**[Vault]**

BELLA: Nikko, what happened?  
DAVROS: Electrical energy, Miss Nicholls. Every atom in existence is bound by an electrical field. The Reality bomb cancels it out. Structure falls apart. That test was focused on the prisoners alone. Full transmission will dissolve every form of matter.  
BELLA: The stars are going out.  
NIKKO: The twenty seven planets. They become one vast transmitter, blasting that wavelength.  
DAVROS: Across the entire universe. Never stopping, never faltering, never fading. People and planets and stars will become dust, and the dust will become atoms, and the atoms will become nothing. And the wavelength will continue, breaking through the Rift at the heart of the Medusa Cascade into every dimension, every parallel, every single corner of creation. This is my ultimate victory, The destruction of reality itself!

**[Vault]**

DAVROS: You made this.  
NIKKO: They're trying to help.  
DAVROS: Already I have seen them sacrifice today, for their beloved Nikko. The Earth woman who fell opening the Subwave Network.  
NIKKO: Who was that?  
ROSE: Harriet Jones. She gave her life to get you here.  
DAVROS: How many more? Just think. How many have died in your name?  
(A lot, and that's just in these few modern series, including River Song and his daughter, although we know better.)  
DAVROS: Nikko. The man who keeps running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame. This is my final victory, I have shown you yourself.

**[Vault]**

NIKKO: But that's  
DAVROS: Impossible.  
(The Tardis materialises and Macy appears in the doorway.)  
JACK: Brilliant.  
(Davros zaps Macy, sending her flying backwards.)  
NIKKO: Macy! Macy! Are you all right, Macy?  
DAVROS: I was wrong about your warriors, Nikko. They are pathetic.

**[Crucible]**

RED DALEK: Detonation in twenty rels. Nineteen.

**[Vault]**

DAVROS: Stand witness, Time Lord. Stand witness, humans. Your strategies have failed, your weapons are useless, and. Oh. The end of the universe has come.  
RED DALEK [OC]: Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. (An alarm sounds.)  
MACY: Mmm, closing all Z-neutrino relay loops using an internalised synchronous back-feed reversal loop. That button there.  
(She presses a button on the panel she was thrown against.)

**[Crucible]**

DALEK 3: System in shutdown.  
DALEK 2: Detonation negative.  
RED DALEK: Explain. Explain. Explain!

**[Vault]**

NIKKO: Macy, you can't even change a plug.  
MACY: Do you want to bet, Time Boy?  
DAVROS: You'll suffer for this.  
(Macy lifts a lever and Davros' electrical zap travels up his arm.)  
DAVROS: Argh!  
MACY: Oh, bio-electric dampening field with a retrograde field arc inversion.  
DAVROS: Exterminate her!  
DALEKS: Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.  
(Macy works more controls on the panel.)  
DALEK: Weapons non-functional.  
MACY: Phwor. Macrotransmission of a K-filter wavelength blocking Dalek weaponry in a self-replicating energy blindfold matrix.  
NIKKO: You're Time Lord. Part Time Lord.  
MACY: Part human. Oh, yes. That was a two-way biological metacrisis. Holding cells deactivated. And seal the Vault. Well, don't just stand there. Get to work.  
DAVROS: Stop them! Get them away from the controls.  
MACY: And spin.  
(The Daleks spin around on the spot.)  
DALEK: Help me. Help me!  
MACY: And the other way.  
NIKKO: What did you do?  
MACY: Trip switch circuit-breaker in the psychokinetic threshold manipulator.  
NIKKO: Why did we never think of that?  
MACY: Because you were just Time Lords, you dumbos, lacking that little bit of human. That gut instinct that comes hand in hand with Planet Earth. I can think of ideas you two couldn't dream of in a million years. Ah, the universe has been waiting for me. Now, let's send that trip switch all over the ship. Did I ever tell you hundred words per minute?

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: System malfunction.  
DALEK 2: Motor casing interference.  
RED DALEK: What is happening? Explain!

**[Torchwood]**

(The Dalek explodes and the bullets all fall to the floor.)  
GWEN: There goes the Time Lock.

**[Vault]**

(Explosions are starting to wreck the Vault.)  
NIKKO: Davros? Come with me. I promise I can save you.  
DAVROS: Never forget, you did this. I name you. Forever, you are the Destroyer of the Worlds!  
(A wall of flames leaps up and Davros gurgles his last scream.)  
CAAN: One will die.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: And off we go.  
(The Tardis dematerialises. The Crucible goes KaBOOM!)  
SARAH: But what about the Earth? It's stuck in the wrong part of space.  
NIKKO: I'm on it. Torchwood Hub, this is Nikko. Are you receiving me?

**[Torchwood]**

GWEN: Loud and clear.

**[Tardis]**

GWEN [on scanner]: Is Jack there?  
NIKKO: Can't get rid of him. Jack, what's her name?  
JACK: Gwen Cooper.  
NIKKO: Tell me, Gwen Cooper,

**[Torchwood]**

NIKKO [on screen]: Are you from an old Cardiff family?  
GWEN: Yes, all the way back to the eighteen hundreds.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Ah, thought so. Spatial genetic multiplicity. Yeah, it's a funny old world. Now, Torchwood, I want you to open up that

**[Torchwood]**

NIKKO [on screen]: Rift Manipulator. Send all the power to me.

**[Torchwood]**

LIAM [on scanner]: Doing it now, sir.  
BELLA: What's that for?  
NIKKO: It's a tow rope. Now then. Sarah, what was your son's name?  
SARAH: Luke. He's called Luke. And the computer's called Mister Smith.  
NIKKO: Calling Luke and Mister Smith.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

DOCTOR [OC]: This is the Nikko. Come on, Luke. Shake a leg.  
LUKE: Is Mum there?

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Oh, she's fine and dandy.  
SARAH: Yes! Yes!  
NIKKO: Now, Mister Smith, I want you to harness the Rift power and loop it around the Tardis. You got that?  
MR SMITH [OC]: I regret I will need remote access to Tardis base code numerals.  
NIKKO: Oh, blimey, that's going to take a while.  
SARAH: No, no, no. Let me. K9, out you come!

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

(K9 beams in beside Luke.)  
K9: Affirmative, Mistress.  
NIKKO [OC]: Oh! Oh ho! Oh, good dog!

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: K9, give Mister Smith the base code.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

K9: Master. Tardis base code now being transferred.

**[Tardis]**

K9 [OC]: The process is simple.  
NIKKO: Now then, you lot. Sarah, hold that down. Mickey, you hold that. Because you know why this Tardis always is always rattling about the place? Bella? That, there. It's designed to have six pilots, and I have to do it single handed. Martha, keep that level. But not any more. Jack, there you go. Steady that. Now we can fly this thing. Just stand back. Like it's meant to be flown. We've got the Torchwood Rift looped around the Tardis by Mister Smith, and we're going to fly Planet Earth back home. Right then. Off we go.  
(The Tardis takes the strain on the towrope, and then pulls Earth out of the Cascade. Everyone on Earth hangs on for the ride. Bella walks around the console, supervising the flight.)  
BELLA: That's really good, Jack. I think you're the best.  
(The Tardis drops the Earth off by the Moon, and everyone celebrates.)  
(Bella pulls Jack off Sarah and hugs him herself. On Earth, the news tickers report the obvious, and fireworks celebrations happen without any set up or planning whatsoever.)

**[Park]**

(Church bells are ringing a celebratory change.)  
SARAH: You know, you act like such a lonely man. But look at you. You've got the biggest family on Earth.  
(Sarah and Nikko hug.)  
SARAH: Oh! Got to go. He's only fourteen. It's a long story. And thank you!

**[Tardis]**

(Macy is phoning home.)  
MACY: Yeah, I'm fine. Are you all right?

**[Park]**

(Nikko unmends Jack's teleport bracelet.)  
NIKKO: I told you, no teleport. And, Martha, get rid of that Osterhagen thing, eh? Save the world one more time.  
MARTHA: Consider it done.  
(They both salute Nikko, and he returns it. Jack and Martha walk away.)  
JACK: You know, I'm not sure about UNIT these days. Maybe there's something else you could be doing?

**[Tardis]**

MACY: I thought we could try the planet Felspoon. Just because. What a good name, Felspoon. Apparently, it's got mountains that sway in the breeze. Mountains that move. Can you imagine?  
NIKKO: And how do you know that?  
MACY: Because it's in your head. And if it's in your head, it's in mine.  
NIKKO: And how does that feel?  
MACY: Brilliant! Fantastic! Molto bene! Great big universe, packed into my brain. You know you could fix that chameleon circuit if you just tried hotbinding the fragment links and superseding the binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary. (gasp) I'm fine. Nah, never mind Felspoon. You know who I'd like to meet? Charlie Chaplin. I bet he's great, Charlie Chaplin. Shall we do that? Shall we go and see Charlie Chaplin? Shall we? Charlie Chaplin? Charlie Chester. Charlie Brown. No, he's fiction. Friction, fiction, fixing, mixing, Rickston, Brixton.  
(This time it hurts.)  
MACY: Oh, my God.  
NIKKO: Do you know what's happening?  
MACY: Yeah.  
NIKKO: There's never been a human Time Lord metacrisis before now. And you know why.  
MACY: Because there can't be. I want to stay.  
NIKKO: Look at me. Macy, look at me.  
MACY: I was going to be with you three forever.  
NIKKO: I know.  
MACY: The rest of my life, travelling in the Tardis. No. Oh my god. I can't go back. Don't make me go back. Nikko, please, please don't make me go back.  
NIKKO: Goodbye.  
MACY: No, no, no. Please. Please. No. No.  
(Nikko mind melds with Macy and takes her memories away.)  
MACY: No!  
(Macy passes out.)

**[Tardis]**

(Later, after putting Macy to her house. Nikko limps to the controls)

NIKKO: Oww!

(Nikko and Bella's hands start to glow)

NIKKO: It's started.

MATTHEW: See you on the other side.

NIKKO: But we're gonna go...

BOTH: Together.

(They let the energy come out, not destroying the Tardis. They're faces and bodies change into Michael Cena for Nikko and Billie Piper for Bella)

NIKKO: Woah, that was exciting. You know a first time regeneration can be hard.  
BELLA: Nikko, look at the scanner

(He does just that)  
BELLA: If you follow my psychic instructions, we might still be alive.

MATTHEW: What the hell is going on?

NIKKO: We're going to hit the moon.

MATTHEW: Holy Sh*t!

A/N – That was awesome! Yeah so, Scott Pilgrim and Rose Tyler in the Tardis. Gonna get better than it was. The cliffhanger was all my idea. I love how when Nikko has regenerated he says "Woah, that was exciting. You know a first time regeneration can be hard." I love that line.

SEE YOU FOR THE NEXT TIME LORD!


	12. Xmas Special 2 - The Next Time Lord

GRAND THEFT FAIL  
SERIES TWO  
EPISODE 11  
THE JOURNEYS END HERE

**[Torchwood]**

(Gwen and Liam empty their machinegun clips at the Dalek, who isn't shooting back. When they stop, they see the bullets hanging in midair. Gwen touches the air and it ripples like water.)  
GWEN: What the hell?

**[Torchwood]**

(Liam is checking the data banks.)  
LIAM: It's a Time Lock. The ultimate defence programme. Tosh was working on it. Never thought she finished it, but she did. The Hub's sealed in a time bubble. Nothing can get in.  
GWEN: But that means we can't get out.  
Liam: Nope. Not without unlocking that Dalek. We're trapped inside. It's all up to Jack now.

**[Street]**

(The Tardis is in the middle of a litter-strewn street, surrounded by four Daleks.)  
DALEK: Report. Tardis has been located.

**[Dalek spaceship]**

RED DALEK: Bring it here. Bring the Time Lord to me! Initiate temporal prison.

**[Street]**

(The four Daleks create a shining blue energy ring around the Tardis.)  
DALEK: Temporal prison initiated.

**[Tardis]**

(The power goes out.)  
NIKKO: They've got us. Power's gone. Some kind of chronon loop.  
(The Tardis tilts with a jerk.)

**[Francine's home]**

(Martha puts the Project Indigo backpack on.)  
MARTHA: Now Jack's explained the base code, I know how this teleport works. I think. But you just stay indoors. There's no Daleks on this street. You should be all right. Just er, keep quiet.  
FRANCINE: But where are you going?  
MARTHA: I'm a member of UNIT, and they gave me the Osterhagen Key. I've got to do my job. I'm sorry.  
FRANCINE: Martha. What's an Osterhagen Key? Tell me. What does it do?  
MARTHA: Love you.  
(Martha pulls her ripcords and vanishes.)

**[Germany - 60 miles outside Nuremberg]**

(Martha lands in a wood. Daleks can be heard shouting their favourite word in German.)  
DALEK [OC]: Exterminieren! Exterminieren!  
DALEK 2 [OC]: Halt! Sonst werden wir Sie exterminieren! Sie sind jetzt ein Gefangener der Daleks!  
(Martha sees a Dalek patrol gliding above the forest floor.)  
DALEK: Exterminieren. Exterminieren.

**[Tardis]**

JACK: There's a massive Dalek ship at the centre of the planets. They're calling it the Crucible. Guess that's our destination.  
BELLA: You said these planets were like an engine. But what for?  
NIKKO: Bella, you've been in a parallel world. That world's running ahead of this universe. You've seen the future. What was it?  
BELLA: It's the darkness.  
MACY: The stars were going out.  
MATTHEW: One by one. We looked up at the sky and they were just dying.  
(The scanner beeps.)  
NIKKO: The Dalek Crucible. All aboard.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: The Tardis is secured.  
RED DALEK: Time Lord, you will step forth or die.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: We'll have to go out. Because if we don't, they'll get in.  
BELLA: You told me nothing could get through those doors.  
NIKKO: This is a fully-fledged Dalek Empire, at the height of its power. Experts at fighting Tardises, they can do anything. Right now, that wooden door is just wood.  
(Macy can hear a heartbeat thumping in her ears.)  
NIKKO: Right then. All of us together. Yeah. Macy?  
(Macy is staring at nothing. He snaps her out of it.)  
NIKKO: Macy?  
MACY: Yeah.  
NIKKO: I'm sorry. There's nothing else we can do.  
MACY: No, I know.

**[Crucible]**

(Nikko leads his companions out of the Tardis. Macy is lagging behind.)  
RED DALEK: Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks!  
DALEKS: Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks! Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks!  
(Macy stops inside the Tardis, the heartbeat thumping in her ears. Nikko looks up at the phalanxes of Daleks flying around.)  
DALEKS: Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks! Daleks reign supreme. All hail the Daleks!  
RED DALEK: Behold, Nikko. Behold the might of the true Dalek race.  
NIKKO: Macy! You're no safer in there.  
(The Tardis door slams shut, trapping Macy inside.)  
NIKKO: What?

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Nikko? What have you done?

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: It wasn't me. I didn't do anything.

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Oi! Oi, I'm not staying behind!

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: What did you do?!  
RED DALEK: This is not of Dalek origin.

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Nikko!

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: Stop it! She's my friend. Now open the door and let her out.  
RED DALEK: This is Time Lord treachery.  
NIKKO: Me? The door just closed on its own.  
RED DALEK: Nevertheless, the Tardis is a weapon and it will be destroyed.  
(A trapdoor opens under the Tardis and it drops.)  
NIKKO: What are you doing? Bring it back!

**[Tardis]**

MACY: Nikko!

**[Crucible]**

NIKKO: What have you done? Where's it going?  
RED DALEK: The Crucible has a heart of Z-neutrino energy. The Tardis will be deposited into the core.  
NIKKO: You can't. You've taken the defences down. It'll be torn apart!  
(The Tardis drops into the molten core. Fires break out and roundels explode.)  
BELLA: But Macy's still in there!  
MATTHEW: Let her go!  
RED DALEK: The female and the Tardis will perish together. Observe. The child of Gallifrey is powerless.  
(An image of the Tardis bobbing in the molten core appears.)  
NIKKO: Please. I'm begging you. I'll do anything! Put me in her place. You can do anything to me, I don't care, just get her out of there!  
RED DALEK: You are connected to the Tardis. Now feel it die.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK 3: Total Tardis destruction in ten rels. Nine, eight, seven, six  
(The new Doctor presses a button on the console.)  
DALEK 3: Five, four, three, two, one.  
(The Tardis vanishes.)  
RED DALEK: The Tardis has been destroyed. Now tell me. What do you feel? Anger? Sorrow? Despair?  
NIKKO: Yeah.  
RED DALEK: Then if emotions are so important, surely we have enhanced you?  
JACK: Yeah? Feel this! (Jack produces a small revolver and shoots at the Red Dalek.)  
RED DALEK: Exterminate!  
(The Red Dalek zaps Jack.)  
RED DALEK: Escort them to the Vault.  
NIKKO: There's nothing we can do.  
RED DALEK: They are the playthings of Davros now.

**[Outside the Schloss]**

GERMAN WOMAN: Hier ist niemand. Was immer Sie wollen, gehen Sie fort. Lassen Sie mich in Ruhe!  
MARTHA: Ich heisse Martha Jones. Ich komme von UNIT. Agentin fuenf sechs sechs sieben eins, von der medizinishen Abteilung.  
GERMAN WOMAN: Es hiess Sie kaemen vorbei. That accent. That is London, ja? I went to London. Long time ago.  
MARTHA: I thought this place was supposed to be guarded.  
GERMAN WOMAN: They were soldiers. Boys. I brought them food every day. But when der Albtraum came from the sky, they went home to die. But not you.  
MARTHA: I've got a job to do.

**[UNIT Germany]**

(The woman follows Martha through the dusty rooms to see her pull down a hanging and enter a code into a large keypad. Then it checks her handprint.)  
GERMAN WOMAN: London. In those days, to see it. So much glamour. I was so young. I heard the soldiers talking many times. They would speak of the Osterhagen Key. I think London must be changed now, yes? But still, the glamour.  
(The woman points a gun at Martha as she opens the secure door.)  
GERMAN WOMAN: You will not go.  
MARTHA: I've got no choice.  
GERMAN WOMAN: I know the Key. What it does. Sie sind der Albtraum, nicht die anderen, Sie! Ich sollte Sie umbringen, am besten gleich jetzt!  
MARTHA: Then do it.  
(But she can't. Martha steps into a small lift.)  
GERMAN WOMAN: Martha, Zur Hoelle mit Dir!  
MARTHA: I know.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: Commence disposal. Incinerate!  
(Jack is in a large tub with the other rubbish. It is slid along the floor and a steel door clangs down behind it.)  
DALEK: Disposal completed.  
(The Daleks leave. The steel door rises and Jack climbs out, coughing.)

**[Osterhagen One]**

(The lift brings Martha to a small high-tech room. She presses a button.)  
MARTHA: This is Osterhagen Station One. My name is Martha Jones. Is there anyone there? Over.

**[Crucible]**

DALEK 3: Prisoners now on board the Crucible. They will be taken for testing.  
SARAH: One step closer to the Nikko.

**[Vault]**

DAVROS: Activate the holding cells.  
(Spotlights shine down on Nikko, Matthew and Bella.)  
DAVROS: Excellent. Even when powerless, Time Lords are best contained.  
NIKKO: Still scared of me, then?  
DAVROS: It is time we talked,  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no, no. We're not doing the nostalgia tour. I want to know what's happening right here, right now, because the Supreme Dalek said Vault, yeah? As in dungeon, cellar, prison. You're not in charge of the Daleks, are you? They've got you locked away down here in the basement like, what, a servant? Slave? Court jester?  
DAVROS: We have an arrangement.  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no, no. No, I've got the word. You're the Dalek's pet!  
NIKKO: Was it you, Caan? Did you kill Macy? Why did the Tardis door close? Tell me!  
DAVROS: Oh, that's it. The anger, the fire, the rage of a Time Lord who butchered millions. There he is. Why so shy? Show your companion. Show her your true self. Dalek Caan has promised me that too.  
CAAN: I have seen. At the time of ending, the Time Lord's soul will be revealed.  
NIKKO: What does that mean?  
DAVROS: We will discover it together. Our final journey. Because the ending approaches. The testing begins.  
NIKKO: Testing of what?  
DAVROS: The Reality bomb.

**[Vault]**

BELLA: Nikko, what happened?  
DAVROS: Electrical energy, Miss Nicholls. Every atom in existence is bound by an electrical field. The Reality bomb cancels it out. Structure falls apart. That test was focused on the prisoners alone. Full transmission will dissolve every form of matter.  
BELLA: The stars are going out.  
NIKKO: The twenty seven planets. They become one vast transmitter, blasting that wavelength.  
DAVROS: Across the entire universe. Never stopping, never faltering, never fading. People and planets and stars will become dust, and the dust will become atoms, and the atoms will become nothing. And the wavelength will continue, breaking through the Rift at the heart of the Medusa Cascade into every dimension, every parallel, every single corner of creation. This is my ultimate victory, The destruction of reality itself!

**[Vault]**

DAVROS: You made this.  
NIKKO: They're trying to help.  
DAVROS: Already I have seen them sacrifice today, for their beloved Nikko. The Earth woman who fell opening the Subwave Network.  
NIKKO: Who was that?  
ROSE: Harriet Jones. She gave her life to get you here.  
DAVROS: How many more? Just think. How many have died in your name?  
(A lot, and that's just in these few modern series, including River Song and his daughter, although we know better.)  
DAVROS: Nikko. The man who keeps running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame. This is my final victory, I have shown you yourself.

**[Vault]**

NIKKO: But that's  
DAVROS: Impossible.  
(The Tardis materialises and Macy appears in the doorway.)  
JACK: Brilliant.  
(Davros zaps Macy, sending her flying backwards.)  
NIKKO: Macy! Macy! Are you all right, Macy?  
DAVROS: I was wrong about your warriors, Nikko. They are pathetic.

**[Crucible]**

RED DALEK: Detonation in twenty rels. Nineteen.

**[Vault]**

DAVROS: Stand witness, Time Lord. Stand witness, humans. Your strategies have failed, your weapons are useless, and. Oh. The end of the universe has come.  
RED DALEK [OC]: Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. (An alarm sounds.)  
MACY: Mmm, closing all Z-neutrino relay loops using an internalised synchronous back-feed reversal loop. That button there.  
(She presses a button on the panel she was thrown against.)

**[Crucible]**

DALEK 3: System in shutdown.  
DALEK 2: Detonation negative.  
RED DALEK: Explain. Explain. Explain!

**[Vault]**

NIKKO: Macy, you can't even change a plug.  
MACY: Do you want to bet, Time Boy?  
DAVROS: You'll suffer for this.  
(Macy lifts a lever and Davros' electrical zap travels up his arm.)  
DAVROS: Argh!  
MACY: Oh, bio-electric dampening field with a retrograde field arc inversion.  
DAVROS: Exterminate her!  
DALEKS: Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.  
(Macy works more controls on the panel.)  
DALEK: Weapons non-functional.  
MACY: Phwor. Macrotransmission of a K-filter wavelength blocking Dalek weaponry in a self-replicating energy blindfold matrix.  
NIKKO: You're Time Lord. Part Time Lord.  
MACY: Part human. Oh, yes. That was a two-way biological metacrisis. Holding cells deactivated. And seal the Vault. Well, don't just stand there. Get to work.  
DAVROS: Stop them! Get them away from the controls.  
MACY: And spin.  
(The Daleks spin around on the spot.)  
DALEK: Help me. Help me!  
MACY: And the other way.  
NIKKO: What did you do?  
MACY: Trip switch circuit-breaker in the psychokinetic threshold manipulator.  
NIKKO: Why did we never think of that?  
MACY: Because you were just Time Lords, you dumbos, lacking that little bit of human. That gut instinct that comes hand in hand with Planet Earth. I can think of ideas you two couldn't dream of in a million years. Ah, the universe has been waiting for me. Now, let's send that trip switch all over the ship. Did I ever tell you hundred words per minute?

**[Crucible]**

DALEK: System malfunction.  
DALEK 2: Motor casing interference.  
RED DALEK: What is happening? Explain!

**[Torchwood]**

(The Dalek explodes and the bullets all fall to the floor.)  
GWEN: There goes the Time Lock.

**[Vault]**

(Explosions are starting to wreck the Vault.)  
NIKKO: Davros? Come with me. I promise I can save you.  
DAVROS: Never forget, you did this. I name you. Forever, you are the Destroyer of the Worlds!  
(A wall of flames leaps up and Davros gurgles his last scream.)  
CAAN: One will die.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: And off we go.  
(The Tardis dematerialises. The Crucible goes KaBOOM!)  
SARAH: But what about the Earth? It's stuck in the wrong part of space.  
NIKKO: I'm on it. Torchwood Hub, this is Nikko. Are you receiving me?

**[Torchwood]**

GWEN: Loud and clear.

**[Tardis]**

GWEN [on scanner]: Is Jack there?  
NIKKO: Can't get rid of him. Jack, what's her name?  
JACK: Gwen Cooper.  
NIKKO: Tell me, Gwen Cooper,

**[Torchwood]**

NIKKO [on screen]: Are you from an old Cardiff family?  
GWEN: Yes, all the way back to the eighteen hundreds.

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Ah, thought so. Spatial genetic multiplicity. Yeah, it's a funny old world. Now, Torchwood, I want you to open up that

**[Torchwood]**

NIKKO [on screen]: Rift Manipulator. Send all the power to me.

**[Torchwood]**

LIAM [on scanner]: Doing it now, sir.  
BELLA: What's that for?  
NIKKO: It's a tow rope. Now then. Sarah, what was your son's name?  
SARAH: Luke. He's called Luke. And the computer's called Mister Smith.  
NIKKO: Calling Luke and Mister Smith.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

DOCTOR [OC]: This is the Nikko. Come on, Luke. Shake a leg.  
LUKE: Is Mum there?

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: Oh, she's fine and dandy.  
SARAH: Yes! Yes!  
NIKKO: Now, Mister Smith, I want you to harness the Rift power and loop it around the Tardis. You got that?  
MR SMITH [OC]: I regret I will need remote access to Tardis base code numerals.  
NIKKO: Oh, blimey, that's going to take a while.  
SARAH: No, no, no. Let me. K9, out you come!

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

(K9 beams in beside Luke.)  
K9: Affirmative, Mistress.  
NIKKO [OC]: Oh! Oh ho! Oh, good dog!

**[Tardis]**

NIKKO: K9, give Mister Smith the base code.

**[Sarah Jane's home]**

K9: Master. Tardis base code now being transferred.

**[Tardis]**

K9 [OC]: The process is simple.  
NIKKO: Now then, you lot. Sarah, hold that down. Mickey, you hold that. Because you know why this Tardis always is always rattling about the place? Bella? That, there. It's designed to have six pilots, and I have to do it single handed. Martha, keep that level. But not any more. Jack, there you go. Steady that. Now we can fly this thing. Just stand back. Like it's meant to be flown. We've got the Torchwood Rift looped around the Tardis by Mister Smith, and we're going to fly Planet Earth back home. Right then. Off we go.  
(The Tardis takes the strain on the towrope, and then pulls Earth out of the Cascade. Everyone on Earth hangs on for the ride. Bella walks around the console, supervising the flight.)  
BELLA: That's really good, Jack. I think you're the best.  
(The Tardis drops the Earth off by the Moon, and everyone celebrates.)  
(Bella pulls Jack off Sarah and hugs him herself. On Earth, the news tickers report the obvious, and fireworks celebrations happen without any set up or planning whatsoever.)

**[Park]**

(Church bells are ringing a celebratory change.)  
SARAH: You know, you act like such a lonely man. But look at you. You've got the biggest family on Earth.  
(Sarah and Nikko hug.)  
SARAH: Oh! Got to go. He's only fourteen. It's a long story. And thank you!

**[Tardis]**

(Macy is phoning home.)  
MACY: Yeah, I'm fine. Are you all right?

**[Park]**

(Nikko unmends Jack's teleport bracelet.)  
NIKKO: I told you, no teleport. And, Martha, get rid of that Osterhagen thing, eh? Save the world one more time.  
MARTHA: Consider it done.  
(They both salute Nikko, and he returns it. Jack and Martha walk away.)  
JACK: You know, I'm not sure about UNIT these days. Maybe there's something else you could be doing?

**[Tardis]**

MACY: I thought we could try the planet Felspoon. Just because. What a good name, Felspoon. Apparently, it's got mountains that sway in the breeze. Mountains that move. Can you imagine?  
NIKKO: And how do you know that?  
MACY: Because it's in your head. And if it's in your head, it's in mine.  
NIKKO: And how does that feel?  
MACY: Brilliant! Fantastic! Molto bene! Great big universe, packed into my brain. You know you could fix that chameleon circuit if you just tried hotbinding the fragment links and superseding the binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary, binary. (gasp) I'm fine. Nah, never mind Felspoon. You know who I'd like to meet? Charlie Chaplin. I bet he's great, Charlie Chaplin. Shall we do that? Shall we go and see Charlie Chaplin? Shall we? Charlie Chaplin? Charlie Chester. Charlie Brown. No, he's fiction. Friction, fiction, fixing, mixing, Rickston, Brixton.  
(This time it hurts.)  
MACY: Oh, my God.  
NIKKO: Do you know what's happening?  
MACY: Yeah.  
NIKKO: There's never been a human Time Lord metacrisis before now. And you know why.  
MACY: Because there can't be. I want to stay.  
NIKKO: Look at me. Macy, look at me.  
MACY: I was going to be with you three forever.  
NIKKO: I know.  
MACY: The rest of my life, travelling in the Tardis. No. Oh my god. I can't go back. Don't make me go back. Nikko, please, please don't make me go back.  
NIKKO: Goodbye.  
MACY: No, no, no. Please. Please. No. No.  
(Nikko mind melds with Macy and takes her memories away.)  
MACY: No!  
(Macy passes out.)

**[Tardis]**

(Later, after putting Macy to her house. Nikko limps to the controls)

NIKKO: Oww!

(Nikko and Bella's hands start to glow)

NIKKO: It's started.

MATTHEW: See you on the other side.

NIKKO: But we're gonna go...

BOTH: Together.

(They let the energy come out, not destroying the Tardis. They're faces and bodies change into Michael Cena for Nikko and Billie Piper for Bella)

NIKKO: Woah, that was exciting. You know a first time regeneration can be hard.  
BELLA: Nikko, look at the scanner

(He does just that)  
BELLA: If you follow my psychic instructions, we might still be alive.

MATTHEW: What the hell is going on?

NIKKO: We're going to hit the moon.

MATTHEW: Holy Sh*t!

A/N – That was awesome! Yeah so, Scott Pilgrim and Rose Tyler in the Tardis. Gonna get better than it was. The cliffhanger was all my idea. I love how when Nikko has regenerated he says "Woah, that was exciting. You know a first time regeneration can be hard." I love that line.

SEE YOU FOR THE NEXT TIME LORD!


	13. Easter Special - Planet Of The Dead

GRAND THEFT FAIL

SERIES 2

THE SPECIALS

EASTER SPECIAL

PLANET OF THE DEAD

**1. International Gallery**

(London, night. In a top-notch museum, armed security guards are taking up their positions around a golden goblet on a stand.)  
GUARD: Positions.  
(He enters the key code 654 into a pad and turns a lever. A series of lasers surround the artefact.)  
GUARD: Night, boys.  
(He leaves. A hole is opened in the cupola overhead and a masked figure lowers itself on a set of wires, switches the contents of a bag for the goblet and goes back up. One of the guards hears a noise and turns around to see a golden novelty cat waving a paw at him. The thief runs along a corridor then takes off her mask. An alarm sounds and the lights come on.)

**2. Outside the gallery**

(She goes outside into an alleyway to see a man next to what is presumably her getaway car being arrested.)  
CHRISTINA: Sorry, lover.  
(She runs through the streets, seeing police everywhere.)  
POLICEMAN: We've got the place surrounded, sir.  
(The route 200 bus to Victoria pulls up at a stop.)

**3. Bus**

CHRISTINA: Hello. I'm so terribly sorry. That card paying device thing. That's a Lobster card, am I right?  
DRIVER: Oyster card.  
CHRISTINA: Ah. Well, that's the problem, you see. I only use my Oyster when there's an R in the month.  
DRIVER: It's April.  
(The policeman in charge is nearby.)  
MACMILLAN: Go, go, go.  
(Christina takes off her earrings.)  
CHRISTINA: Diamonds. Genuine. Drive.  
DRIVER: Works for me.  
POLICEMAN: No sign of her.  
(Christina takes her seat. A man in a long brown coat gets on board.)  
DRIVER: You're just in time, you two.  
(The man swipes his card and the doors close. The bus moves off. The two sit next to Christina and offers her a piece of his chocolate egg.)  
NIKKO: Hello, I'm Nikko. Happy Easter.

**4. Outside the gallery**

MACMILLAN: Right, close off the area. Get all these people cleared. She has got to be here somewhere.  
POLICEMAN: Robinson, clear the roads. Get the whole place sealed off.  
(The bus drives past the Detective Inspector.)  
MACMILLAN: She's on the bus! She's on the. Kevin, get the car. It's definitely her. Come on. Move it. Jackson, follow that bus.

**5. Bus**

NIKKO: The funny thing is, I don't often do Easter. I can never find it. It's always at a different time. Although I remember the original. Between you and me, what really happened was.  
(Beep, beep.)  
NIKKO: Oh. Sorry, hold on to that for me. Actually, go on, have it. Finish it. It's full of sugar and I'm determined to keep these teeth.  
(Nikko produces a hand-held gizmo which has lit up.)  
NIKKO: Ah. Oh, we've got excitation. I'm picking up something very strange.  
CHRISTINA: I know the feeling.

**6. Police car**

MACMILLAN: All units in pursuit registration Whisky nine seven four Golf Hotel Mike. They're heading for the Gladwell Road Tunnel. Please stop all traffic. Seal off the north end.

**7. CCTV centre**

OPERATOR: The bus has entered the south entrance of the tunnel. Officers in pursuit. Units now arriving at the north entrance.

**8. Tunnel - north entrance**

DENNISON: Tango one eight three up at the far end, sir. I've sealed off the exit. There's no way out. Over.

**9. Police car**

MACMILLAN: I'm right behind. We've got her.

**10. Bus**

NIKKO: Rhondium particles, that's what I'm looking for. This thing detects them. Look, this should to round, that little dish there.  
CHRISTINA: Right now, a way out would come in pretty handy. Can you detect me one of those?  
(The West Indian couple sitting a little way behind on the other side talk.)  
CARMEN: Lou, can you hear them?  
LOU: Hear what, sweetheart?  
CARMEN: The voices. So many voices calling to us. Calling so far.  
NIKKO: Ah, the little dish is going round.  
CHRISTINA: Fascinating.  
NIKKO: And round. Whoa.  
(Fritz!)  
(The blonde woman in front brushes the sparks off her hair.)  
ANGELA: Excuse me. Do you mind?  
NIKKO: Sorry. That was my little dish.  
CHRISTINA: Can't you turn that thing off?  
NIKKO: What was your name?  
CHRISTINA: Christina.  
NIKKO: Christina, hold on tight. Everyone, hold on!  
(There is a sudden jolt and everyone is thrown around.)  
CARMEN: Oh, the voices. The voices. They're screaming.  
(Windows break and sparks fly.)  
NATHAN: (young white man) What's going on?  
(A bright light floods the bus then more jolting.)

**11. Tunnel - north entrance**

DENNISON: Tango one eight three. Units in position, sir. Er, sorry to report, but, er, no sign of the bus. Over.

**12. Tunnel**

MACMILLAN: It's gone. Right in front of me. The bus has just gone.

**13. Tunnel- north entrance**

MACMILLAN [OC} Over.

**14. Desert**

(The bus has stopped. Golden light shines in. Nikko goes outside, followed by Christina and Bella.)  
BELLA: End of the line. Call it a hunch, but I think we've gone a little bit further than Brixton.  
(The orange sands go stretch to the horizon. An alien is watching them on a monitor. It chitters to its companion.)

**15. Bus**

LOU: We should get out. Even if that's the Sahara, we can't stay on board this thing.  
CARMEN: I'm not going out there. They're still calling. All around us. The voices are crying.  
LOU: What voices, sweetheart?  
CARMEN: The dead. We're surrounded by the dead.

**16. Desert**

ANGELA: It's impossible. There are three suns. Three of them.  
BARCLAY: (a young black man) Like when all those planets were up in the sky.  
NATHAN: But it was Earth that moved back then, wasn't it?  
BARCLAY: Oh, man, we're on another world.  
DRIVER: It's still intact, though. Not as bad as it looks, and the chassis's still holding together. My boss is going to murder me.  
ANGELA: Can you still drive it?  
DRIVER: Oh no, no, no. The wheels are stuck. Look at them, they're never going to budge.

**17. Tunnel - north entrance**

MACMILLAN: Dennison, listen. We've sealed off the far end. Nothing is to come through.  
DENNISON: But I don't understand, sir. How can a bus just disappear?

**18. Desert**

(Christina gets a pair of sunglasses from her rucksack.)  
CHRISTINA: Ready for every emergency.  
(Nikko sonics his spectacle lenses black and examines the sand grains.)  
NIKKO: Me too.  
CHRISTINA: And what's your name?  
DOCTOR: I'm Nikko.  
CHRISTINA: Name, not rank.  
NIKKO: Nikko.  
CHRISTINA: Surname?  
NIKKO: Nikko.  
CHRISTINA: You're called Nikko?  
NIKKO: Yes, I am.  
CHRISTINA: That's not a name. That's a psychological condition.  
NIKKO: Funny sort of sand, this. There's a trace of something else. (he tastes it) Glah. Not good.  
CHRISTINA: Well, it wouldn't be. It's sand.  
NIKKO: No, it tastes like. Never mind.  
CHRISTINA: What is it? What's wrong?  
BARCLAY: Hold on a minute. I saw you, mate. You had that thing, that machine. Did you make this happen?  
NIKKO: Oh, humans on buses, always blaming me. Look, look, if you must know, I was tracking a hole in the fabric of reality. Call it a hobby. But it was a tiny little hole. No danger to anyone. Suddenly it gets big, and we drive right through it.  
DRIVER: But then where is it? There's nothing. There's just sand.  
NIKKO: All right. You want proof? We drove through this.  
(He throws a handful of sand into the air and a wibbly thing appears both there and -)

**19. Tunnel - north entrance**

MACMILLAN: What the hell was that?

**20. Desert**

CHRISTINA: And that's?  
NIKKO: A door. A door in space.  
DRIVER: So what you're saying is, on the other side of that is home? We can get to London through there?  
NIKKO: The bus came through, but we can't.  
DRIVER: Well then, what are we waiting for?  
(The driver runs towards the wibbly thing.)  
NIKKO: No, no, don't.  
DRIVER: I'm going home, mate!  
NIKKO: I said don't.  
(The driver enters the wibbly thing and screams. We see him burn briefly and his smoking bones totter out of the tunnel before collapsing.)  
BARCLAY: He was a skeleton, man. He was bones. Just bones.

**21. Tunnel - north entrance**

MACMILLAN: Dennison, er, I think we're out of our depth here. We need experts. Get me UNIT. Emergency code one.

**22. Desert**

NIKKO: It was the bus. Look at the damage. That was the bus protecting us. Great big box of metal.  
CHRISTINA: Rather like a Faraday cage?  
NATHAN: Like in a thunderstorm, yeah? Safest place is inside a car, because the metal conducts the lightning right through. We did it in school.  
CHRISTINA: But if we can only travel back inside the bus? A Faraday cage needs to be closed. That thing's been ripped wide open.  
NIKKO: Well, slightly different dynamics with a wormhole. There's enough metal to make it work, I think. I hope.  
CHRISTINA: Then we have to drive five tons of bus, which is currently buried in the sand, and we've got nothing but our bare hands. Correct?  
NIKKO: I'd say nine and a half tons, but the point still stands, yes.  
CHRISTINA: Then we need to apply ourselves to the problem with discipline. Which starts with appointing a leader.  
NIKKO: Yes. At last. Thank you. So.  
CHRISTINA: Well, thank goodness you've got me. Everyone do exactly as I say. Inside the bus immediately.  
NATHAN: Is it safe in there?  
CHRISTINA: I don't think anything's safe any more, but if it's a choice between baking in there or roasting out here, I'd say baking is slower. Come on. All of you. Right now. And you. Nikko.  
NIKKO: Yes, ma'am.  
CHRISTINA: (to Barclay) Up. Come on.

**23. Tunnel - north entrance**

(UNIT arrives in force.)  
SERGEANT: Section one, assume positions. Section two, assume positions.  
CORPORAL: Section three, assume positions.  
SOLDIER: Section four, spread out.  
SERGEANT: Take places, intervention mode.  
(The lady African Captain takes charge.)  
MAGAMBO: Isolate the area.  
SOLDIER: Yes, ma'am.  
MAGAMBO: Establish an exclusion zone. Any media, move them back. Any trouble, arrest them,  
SOLDIER 2: Yes, ma'am.  
MAGAMBO: I want the vehicles in the standard Procedure Five layout. All outreach officers will report to me via Sergeant Calhoon, is that understood?  
SOLDIER 3: Yes, ma'am.  
MACMILLAN: Captain, I'm Detective Inspector McMillan.  
MAGAMBO: Clear the area, thank you.  
MACMILLAN: Yes, but I was here when the thing, the bus with the  
MAGAMBO: I've read the report. Now clear the area. Pandovski, get these men out of the zone.  
MACMILLAN: Yes, but there's somebody on board that bus. She's mine.  
PANDOVSKI: Just move back, sir.  
MACMILLAN: All right.  
MAGAMBO: Perimeter guard, stand ready. Stay alert. Any hostile activity, shoot to kill.

**24. Desert**

(Nathan and Barclay fetch seats from the bus.)  
BARCLAY: Here we go.  
NIKKO: That's my boys. See, we lay a flat surface between the bus and the wormhole, like duckboards, and we reverse into it.  
CHRISTINA: Let some air out of the tyres. Just a little bit. It spreads the weight of the bus, gives you more grip against the sand.  
NIKKO: Oh, that's good.  
CHRISTINA: Holidays in the Kalahari.  
BARCLAY: Yeah, but those wheels go deep.  
CHRISTINA: Then start digging.  
BARCLAY: With what?  
CHRISTINA: With this.  
(She takes a spade from her rucksack. Nikko hands it to Barclay.)  
NIKKO: Got anything else in there?  
CHRISTINA: Try that. It might help with the seats.  
(An axe.)  
NATHAN: Thanks.  
ANGELA: I can't find the keys.  
NIKKO: Oh no, buses don't have keys. There's a master switch, then it's one button to start, the other one to stop, yeah?  
ANGELA: Right. Hold on. Oh, I've got it. Here we go. Hold tight. Ding, ding.  
(She starts the engine. Graunching sounds come from it so she turns it off.)  
NIKKO: Ooo, that doesn't sound too good.  
(Nikko and Christina look at the smoking engine at the back.)  
NIKKO: Oh, never mind losing half the top deck. You know what's worse? Sand. Tiny little grains of sand. The engine's clogged up.  
CHRISTINA: Anyone know mechanics?  
BARCLAY: Me. I did a two week NVQ at the garage. Never finished it, but  
NIKKO: Off you go, then. Try stripping the air filter. Fast as you can. Back in two ticks.  
CHRISTINA: Wait a minute. You're the man with all the answers. I'm not letting you out of my sight.  
(The alien watches them walk away from the bus and off into the dunes.)  
NIKKO: Easier if you left that backpack behind.  
CHRISTINA: Where I go, it goes.  
NIKKO: A backpack with a spade and an axe. Christina, who's going so far away, and yet scared by the sound of a siren. Who are you?  
CHRISTINA: You can talk. Let's just say we're two equal mysteries.  
NIKKO: We make quite a couple.  
CHRISTINA: We don't make any sort of couple, thank you very much. Come on then. Tell me. If Carmen's right, if that wormhole's not an accident, then what is it? Has someone done this on purpose?  
NIKKO: I don't know, but every single instinct of mine is telling me to get off this planet right now.  
CHRISTINA: And do you think we can?  
NIKKO: I live in hope.  
CHRISTINA: That must be nice. It's Christina de Souza. To be precise, Lady Christina de Souza.  
NIKKO: Ooo, that's handy, because I'm a Lord.  
CHRISTINA; Seriously? The Lord of where?  
NIKKO: It's quite a big estate.  
CHRISTINA: No, but there's something more about you. That device you were carrying, and the wormhole. Like you knew. And the way you stride around this place, like.  
NIKKO: Like?  
CHRISTINA: Like you're not quite  
NIKKO: Anyway, come on. Allons-y.  
CHRISTINA: Oui, mais pas si nous allons vers un cauchemar.  
NIKKO: Type text or a website address or translate a document.

Cancel

Oh, nous étions faits l'un pour l'autre.  
(They crest another dune.)  
NIKKO: Ah, don't like the look of that.  
(The horizon is hazy.)  
CHRISTINA: Storm clouds. Must be hundreds of miles away.  
NIKKO: But getting closer.  
CHRISTINA: If that's a sand storm, we'll get ripped to shreds.  
NIKKO: It's a storm. Who says it's sand?  
(They run away.)

**25. Bus**

CARMEN: Closer, and closer, and closer.  
NIKKO: Where is it?  
BARCLAY: There. There on the seat.  
(Barclay's mobile phone.)  
CHRISTINA: You're hardly going to get a signal. We're on another planet.  
(Nikko sonics the phone into unlimited roaming.)  
NIKKO: Oh, just watch me. Right. Now, bit of hush, thank you. Got to remember the number, very important number.  
VOICE [OC]: Hello, Pizza Geronimo?  
NIKKO: And again. Ah. seven six, not six seven.  
COMPUTER: This is the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Please select one of the following four options. If you want to  
NIKKO: Oh, I hate these things.  
ANGELA: If you keep your finger pressed on zero, you get through to a real person. I saw it on Watchdog.  
NIKKO: Thank you, Angela.  
WOMAN [OC]: UNIT helpline. Which department would you like?  
NIKKO: Listen, It's me.

**26. Tunnel - north entrance**

CALHOON: Captain. Urgent call, ma'am, relayed direct from HQ.  
MAGAMBO: Who is it?  
CALHOON: It's him, ma'am. It's Nikko.

**27. Bus**

MAGAMBO [OC]: Nikko?

**28. Tunnel - north entrance**

MAGAMBO: This is Captain Erisa Magambo. Might I say, sir  
(She salutes.)

**29. Bus**

MAGAMBO [OC]: It's an honour.  
NIKKO: Did you just salute?

**30. Tunnel - north entrance**

MAGAMBO: No.

**31. Bus**

NIKKO: Erisa, it's about the bus. HQ said you're at the tunnel, yeah?

**32. Tunnel - north entrance**

MAGAMBO: And where are you?  
NIKKO [OC]: I'm on the bus.

**33. Bus**

NIKKO: But apart from that, not a clue, except it's very pretty and pretty dangerous.  
MAGAMBO [OC]: A body came through

**34. Tunnel - north entrance**

MAGAMBO: Here. Have you sustained any more fatalities?

**35. Bus**

NIKKO: No, and we're not going to, but I'm stuck. I haven't got the Tardis, and I need to analyse that wormhole.

**36. Tunnel - north entrance**

MAGAMBO: We have a scientific advisor on site. Doctor Malcolm Taylor.

**37. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO [OC]: Just the man you need. He's a genius.  
NIKKO [OC]: Oh, is he? We'll see about that.  
MAGAMBO: It's Nikko.  
(She holds out the mobile phone.)  
TAYLOR: Do you mean the Nikko?

**38. Bus**

MAGAMBO [OC]: I know. We all want to meet him one day, but

**39. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO: We all know what that day will bring.  
NIKKO [OC]: I can hear everything you're saying.  
TAYLOR: Hello, Nikko?

**40. Bus**

TAYLOR [OC]: Oh, my goodness!  
DOCTOR: Yes, I am. Hello, Malcolm.

**41. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Nikko. Cor blimey. I can't believe I'm actually speaking to you. I mean, I've read all the files.

**42. Bus**

NIKKO: Really? What was your favourite? No, no, hold on. Let's sort out that wormhole. Excuse me.

**43. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO: On speakerphone, please. I don't want anyone keeping secrets.

**44. Bus**

NIKKO: Malcolm, something's not making sense here. I've got a storm and a wormhole, and I can't help thinking there's a connection. I need a complete full range analysis

**45. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: Of that wormhole. The whole thing.  
TAYLOR: Well, I've probably got the wrong idea, but I've wired up an integrator. I thought it could measure

**46. Bus**

TAYLOR [OC]: The energy signature.  
nikko: No. No, no, no, no, no. That'll never work. Listen.  
TAYLOR [OC]: It's quite extraordinary, though.

**47. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: I'm measuring an oscillation of fifteen Malcolms per second.

**48. Bus**

NIKKO: Fifteen what?

**49. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Fifteen Malcolms. It's my own little term. A wavelength parcel of ten kilohertz operating in four dimensions equals one Malcolm.

**50. Bus**

NIKKO: You named a unit of measurement after yourself?

**51. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Well, it didn't do Mister Watt any harm. Furthermore, one hundred Malcolms equals a Bernard.  
NIKKO [OC]: And who's that

**52. Bus**

NIKKO: Your dad?

**53. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Don't be ridiculous. That's Quatermass.

**54. Bus**

NIKKO: Right. Fine. But before I die of old age, which in my case would be quite an achievement, so congratulations on that

**55. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: Is there anyone else I can talk to?  
TAYLOR: No, no, no, no, but listen. I set the scanner to register what it can't detect and inverted the image.

**56. Bus**

NIKKO: You did what?

**57. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Is that wrong?

**58. Bus**

NIKKO: No. Malcolm, that's brilliant. So you can actually measure the wormhole. Okay.

**59. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: I admit that is genius.  
TAYLOR: Nikko called me a genius.  
MAGAMBO; I know. I heard.

**60. Bus**

NIKKO: Now, run a capacity scan.

**61. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: I need a full report. Call me back when you've done it. And Malcolm?

**62. Bus**

NIKKO: You're my new best friend.

**63. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: And you're mine too, sir.

**64. Bus**

NIKKO: Barclay, I'm holding on to this.  
BARCLAY: Hey, you'd better bring it back.  
(Nikko and Christina leave the bus. Nathan is still patiently trying to dig out the wheels.)

**65. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: You're, you're mine. He's gone. He's gone.

**66. Desert**

(The aliens watch Nikko and Christina trudge out to the dunes again to take pictures of the approaching storm.)  
NIKKO: Send this back to Earth. See if Malcolm can analyse the storm.  
CHRISTINA: There's something in those clouds. Something shining. Look.  
NIKKO: Like metal. Why would there be metal in a storm?

**67. Bus**

CARMEN: So fast and strong. They ride the storm. They are the storm.  
LOU: But what are they?  
CARMEN: They devour.

**68. Desert**

CHRISTINA: Did you hear something?  
NIKKO: Hold on. Busy.  
CHRISTINA: There was a noise, like a sort of.  
(Something looks at them with multifaceted eyes.)  
CHRISTINA: Nikko.  
(An alien is standing on the skyline.)

**69. Bus**

CARMEN: There's something new.

**70. Desert**

(The alien, a biped with an insect head, chitters and points a weapon. Nikko replies in clicks and chitters.)  
NIKKO: That's wait. I shout wait, people usually wait.  
CHRISTINA: You speak the language?  
NIKKO: Every language. (chitters) That's begging for mercy.  
(The alien gestures with its weapon.)  
CHRISTINA: That means move.  
NIKKO: Ooo, you're learning.  
CHRISTINA: These fly things, they must be responsible. They brought us here.  
(They are taken to a wreck in the desert.)  
NIKKO: No, no, no, no, no. Look at the ship. It's a wreck. They crashed, just like us.

**71. Spaceship**

CHRISTINA: Oh, but this place is freezing.  
NIKKO: Mmm. The hull's made of photafine steel. Turns cold when it's hot. Boiling desert outside, freezing ship inside. Since I met you, Christina, we've been through all the extremes.  
CHRISTINA: That's how I like things, extreme.  
NIKKO: Oh, this is beautiful. Intact, it must have been magnificent. A proper streamlined deep spacer.  
CHRISTINA: I'll remember that as I'm being slowly tortured. At least I'm bleeding on the floor of a really well designed spaceship.  
(Two aliens chitter at them. One of them touches a round purple device on his overall.)  
NIKKO: Oh, right, good. Yes. Hello. That's a telepathic translator. He can understand us.  
CHRISTINA: Still sounds like gibberish to me.  
NIKKO: That's what I said. He can understand us. It doesn't work the other way round. (translates) You will suffer for your crimes, etcetera. You have committed an act of violence against the Tritovore race. Tritovores. They're called Tritovores. You came here in the two hundred to destroy us. Sorry, what's the two hundred?  
CHRISTINA: It's the bus. Number two hundred. They mean the bus.  
NIKKO: Oh. No, look, I think you're making the same mistake Christina did. I'm Nikko, by the way, and this is Christina. The Honourable Lady Christina. At least I hope she's honourable. We got pulled through that wormhole. The two hundred doesn't look like that normally. It's broken, just the same as you.  
(The alien lowers his weapon.)  
CHRISTINA: What are they doing?  
NIKKO: They believe me.  
CHRISTINA: What, as simple as that?  
NIKKO: I've got a very honest face. And the translator says I'm telling the truth. Plus the face. Right. So, first things first. There's a very strange storm heading our way. Can you send out a probe? Oh, they've lost power. Hmm, the crash knocked the mainline crystallography out of synch. But if I can jiggle it back.  
(He kicks the machine and it comes to life.)  
NIKKO: I thank you. Yes, I am. Frequently. Okey doke, let's launch that probe.  
(They look at an image that zooms in to the planet.)  
NIKKO: The Scorpion Nebula. We're on the other side of the universe. Just what you wanted. So far away. The planet of San Helios.  
CHRISTINA: And that's us? We're on another world.  
NIKKO: We have been for quite a while.  
CHRISTINA: I know, but seeing it like that.  
NIKKO: It's good, isn't it?  
CHRISTINA; Wonderful.  
NIKKO: The Tritovores were going to trade with San Helios. Population of one hundred billion. Plenty of waste matter for them to absorb.  
CHRISTINA: By waste matter, you mean  
NIKKO: They feed off what others leave behind from their behind, if you see what I mean. It's perfectly natural. They are flies.  
CHRISTINA: Charming. Just remind me never to kiss them.  
NIKKO: San Helios City.  
CHRISTINA: That's amazing. But you've seen this sort of thing before, haven't you?  
NIKKO: Thousands of times.  
CHRISTINA; That Lordship of yours. The Lord of where, exactly?  
NIKKO: Of Time. I come from a race of people called Time Lords.  
CHRISTINA: You're an alien?  
NIKKO: Yeah. But you don't have to kiss me either.  
CHRISTINA: You look human.  
NIKKO: You look Time Lord. Anyway.  
CHRISTINA: So if that's San Helios, all we need to do is find that city. They can help us.  
NIKKO: I don't think it's that simple. We're in the city right now.  
CHRISTINA: But it's sand. That first image, the temples and things, what's that then, ancient history?  
(The alien chitters.)  
NIKKO: The image was taken last year.  
CHRISTINA: It became a desert in one year?  
NIKKO: I said there was something in the sand. The city, the oceans, the mountains, the wildlife, and a hundred billion people turned to sand. All those voices in Carmen's head. She's hearing them die.  
CHRISTINA: But I've got sand in my hair. That's dead people. Oh, that's disgusting. Oh.  
NIKKO: Something destroyed the whole of San Helois.  
CHRISTINA: Yes, but in my hair.  
(The phone rings.)

**72. Mobile HQ**

DOCTOR [OC]: Malcolm, tell me the bad news.  
TAYLOR: Oh, you are clever. It is bad news. It's the wormhole, Nikko. It's getting bigger.

**73. Spaceship**

TAYLOR [OC]: We've gone way past

**74. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: One hundred Bernards. I haven't invented a name for that.  
NIKKO [OC]: How can it get bigger by itself?  
TAYLOR: Well, that's why I'm phoning. You'll work it out, if I know you, sir.  
MAGAMBO: Nikko, we estimate the circumference of your invisible wormhole is now four miles

**75. Spaceship**

MAGAMBO [OC]: Heading upwards. I've grounded all flights above London.

**76. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO: We can't risk anyone else falling through.

**77. Spaceship**

NIKKO: Good work, both of you.

**78. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO: But I have to know. Does that wormhole

**79. Spaceship**

MAGAMBO [OC]: Constitute a danger to this planet?  
(Beep.)  
NIKKO: Oh, sorry. Call waiting. Got to go.

**80. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO: Call waiting?  
TAYLOR: He's a devil, that one.

**81. Spaceship**

NIKKO: Yeah?

**82. Bus**

NATHAN: Nikko, it's Nathan.

**83. Spaceship**

NATHAN [OC]: We got those duckboard things down, but

**84. Bus**

ANGELA: It's my fault.  
NATHAN: No, it's not. Don't say that.

**85. Spaceship**

NIKKO: Why, what's happened?

**86. Bus**

NATHAN: We kept on turning the engine, but, we're out of petrol. Used it all up. Even if we can get those wheels out

**87. Spaceship**

NATHAN [OC]: This bus is never going to move.  
CHRISTINA: What is it, what's wrong? Doctor, tell me.  
NATHAN [OC]: You promised you'd get us home. Doctor?

**88. Bus**

NATHAN: Are you still there?

**89. Spaceship**

CHRISTINA: Nikko, tell me. What did he say?  
NIKKO: It's the probe. It's reached the storm.  
CHRISTINA: And what's he saying?  
NIKKO: It's not a storm.  
(An image of stingrays flying through the air.)  
CHRISTINA: It's a swarm. Millions of them.  
NIKKO: Billions. Oh, we've lost the probe. I think it got eaten. Everything on this planet gets eaten.  
CHRISTINA: How far away is that swarm?  
NIKKO: A hundred miles. But at that speed, it'll be here in twenty minutes. No, no, no, they're not just coming for us. They want the wormhole.  
CHRISTINA: They're heading for Earth?  
NIKKO: Show the analysis. Incredible. They swarm out of a wormhole, strip the planet bare, then move on to the next world. Start the life cycle all over again.  
CHRISTINA: So, they make the wormholes?  
NIKKO: They must do.  
CHRISTINA: But how? They don't exactly look like technicians. And if the wormhole belongs to them, why are they a hundred miles away?  
NIKKO: Because they need to be? No, that's bonkers. Hang on. Yes. Oh, do you see? Billions of them, flying in formation, all around the planet. Round and round and round, faster and faster and faster, till they generate a rupture in space. The speed of them, and the numbers, and the size, all of that rips the wormhole into existence.  
CHRISTINA: And the wormhole's getting bigger?  
NIKKO: Because they're getting closer.  
CHRISTINA: But how do they get through? Because that wormhole's a killer. We've seen it.  
NIKKO; No, no, no, look. See the exoskeleton.  
CHRISTINA: Metal?  
NIKKO: They've got bones of metal. They eat metal and extrude it into the exoskeleton. So their velocity makes the wormhole, then their body makes it safe. Perfect design.  
CHRISTINA: Those things are going to turn the entire Earth into a desert. So why exactly are you smiling?  
NIKKO: Worse it gets, the more I love it.  
CHRISTINA: Me too.

**90. Bus**

(The occupants hear a noise.)  
NATHAN: It sounds like a storm.  
ANGELA: If it rains, we've got water.  
CARMEN: No water. All of it dust. But the girl.  
LOU: Don't now, sweetheart. What girl?  
CARMEN: The girl. She will fly.

**91. Spaceship**

CHRISTINA: The thing is, Nikko, you're missing the obvious. We came here through the wormhole, yes? But our Tritovore friends didn't. They came here to trade with San Helios. Therefore, the question is, why did they crash?  
DOCTOR: Ah, good question. What a team. Like she said, why did you crash?  
(The Tritovores take them to a large hole in the spaceship.)

**92. Engine room**

NIKKO: Oh, yes. Gravity well. Look, goes all the way down to the engine. So what happened? He says the drive system stalled. Ten miles up, they fell out of the sky. But what caused that?  
CHRISTINA: Which means no idea.  
NIKKO: Yeah. But wait a minute. That's a crystal nucleus down there, yes? And it looks like it survived the crash. If the crystal's intact? Oh, yes. That's better than diesel.  
CHRISTINA: What, you can use the crystal to move the bus?  
NIKKO: I think so. The spaceship's a write-off, but the two hundred's small enough.  
CHRISTINA: How does a crystal drive a bus?  
NIKKO: In a super clever outer-spacey way. Just trust me. There's the crystal! It's fallen to the bottom of the well. Have you got access shafts? All frozen? Well, maybe I can open them. Ah! Internal comms. Put that on.  
(Nikko hands Christina a bluetooth unit.)  
NIKKO: You stay here. Keep an eye on the shaft. Tell me if anything happens.

**93. Bus**

ANGELA: What sort of storm is that?  
CARMEN: Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run.

**94. Mobile HQ**

(Malcolm Taylor phones Nikko as he is running down a dune.)  
TAYLOR: Nikko?

**95. Desert**

NIKKO: Not now, Malcolm!

**96. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Fair do's. He's a busy man.

**97. By the bus**

NATHAN: At last. Where've you been?  
NIKKO: Get inside. Get them sitting down. Now then, let's have a look.  
CHRISTINA: So what does that crystal do?  
NIKKO: Oh, nothing. Don't need the crystal.  
(He throws it away.)  
CHRISTINA: Oh, I risked my life for that.  
NIKKO: No, no. You risked your life for these. The clamps.  
(They magnetically attach to the wheels.)  
NIKKO: One there. One there. One there. And one there.

**98. Bus**

CHRISTINA: But what are the clamps for? Do they turn the wheels?  
NIKKO: Yeah, something like that. I just need to fix this. Have you got a hammer in that bag?  
CHRISTINA: Funnily enough.  
NIKKO: Phone, phone. Press redial.  
(Nikko fixes the rest of the crystal assembly to the steering wheel.)  
NIKKO: Malcolm, it's me.

**99. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: I'm ready.

**100. Bus**

NIKKO: Ready for what?

**101. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: I don't know. You tell me.

**102. Bus**

I'm going to try to get back.

**103. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: But listen, there might be something following us. You need to close the wormhole.  
TAYLOR: Would that be a compressed burst of feedback on a

**104. Bus**

TAYLOR [OC]: Counter-oscillation, perchance?  
NIKKO: Oh, Malcolm, you're

**105. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: Brilliant.  
TAYLOR: Coming from you, sir that means the world.  
MAGAMBO: Nikko

**106. Bus**

MAGAMBO [OC]: What sort of something?

**107. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO: That wormhole is now measuring ten miles and growing. I need to know the exact nature

**108. Bus**

MAGAMBO [OC]: Of the threat.  
NIKKO: Sorry, got to go.

**109. Mobile HQ**

MAGAMBO: All troops, mobilise and stand ready. Possible Code Red. Unknown.

**110. Tunnel - north entrance**

CALHOON: Understood. Code Red. Repeat, Code Red unknown.  
(The soldiers take aim with everything they've got.)  
SERGEANT: Section two, armed.  
CORPORAL: Section three, armed.

**111. Bus**

NIKKO: Oh, it's not compatible. Bus, spaceship, spaceship, bus. I need to weld the two systems together.  
CHRISTINA: And how do you do that?  
NIKKO: I need something non-corrosive. Something malleable. Something ductile. Something gold.  
CHRISTINA: Oh no you don't.  
NIKKO: Christina, what is it worth now?  
BARCLAY: Hey, hey, use this.  
(His wristwatch.)  
NIKKO: I said gold.  
BARCLAY: It is gold.  
NIKKO: Oh, they saw you coming. Christina.  
(Barclay returns to his seat, and Christina reluctantly takes the Cup from her rucksack.)  
CHRISTINA: It's over a thousand years old, worth eighteen million pounds. Promise me you'll be careful.  
NIKKO: I promise.  
(Nikko takes the hammer to the Cup.)  
CHRISTINA: I hate you.

**112. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Done it. Transmit that, and the wormhole should close.  
MAGAMBO: Then do it.  
TAYLOR: Well, after Nikko's come through, obviously.  
MAGAMBO: I'm sorry. Believe me. That wormhole constitutes a major threat, and I have a duty to every man, woman and child on this planet. It's got to be closed immediately. That's an order.  
TAYLOR: No, no, no, no. No, we can't just abandon him. He's Nikko. How many times has he saved our lives? I won't let you, ma'am. I simply won't.  
(Captain Magambo points her pistol at Taylor.)  
MAGAMBO: Right now, soldier.

**113. Bus**

NIKKO: This is your driver speaking. Hold on tight.  
BARCLAY: But what for? What's he doing?  
CHRISTINA: Do as he says. What are you doing?  
(Nikko fires up the bus.)  
NIKKO: Come on. That's it. You can do it, you beauty. One last trip.  
(The bus rises out of the sand and into the air.)  
BARCLAY: Ah, you are so kidding me.  
NATHAN: We're flying. It's flying.  
LOU: He's flying the bus.  
ANGELA: It's a miracle.  
NIKKO: Anti-gravity clamps. Didn't I say? Round we go.  
CARMEN: Nikko, they're coming.  
(The swarm is close behind them.)

**114. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: I will never surrender. Never.

**115. Bus**

CHRISTINA: Do you think this thing will survive the journey back?  
NIKKO: Only one way to find out. Next stop.  
CHRISTINA: Planet Earth!  
(The bus dives into the wormhole, closely followed by the swarm. Everyone is screaming as it shakes, then comes out of the tunnel and up into the air.)  
BARCLAY: It's London!  
ANGELA: We're back home.  
NATHAN: He did it. He did it!

**116. Tunnel - north entrance**

CALHOON: Captain!

**117. Mobile HQ**

CALHOON [OC]: Captain, they're back. It's the bus, ma'am, it's come back and it's flying.

**118. Tunnel - north entrance**

(The first of the stingrays come through.)  
MAGAMBO: Code Red. Fire at will.  
SERGEANT: Concentrate your fire!

**119. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: Malcolm, close that wormhole.  
TAYLOR: Yes, sir. My pleasure, sir.

**120. Bus**

NIKKO: He's hung up on me. ****

121. Mobile HQ

(Malcolm hits F8 and sparks fly.)  
TAYLOR: Oh, no, no. No.  
(Something goes bang and he gets thrown backwards. He gets an extinguisher to put out the resulting fire.)

**122. Bus**

NIKKO: Malcolm!

**123. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Not now, I'm busy.

**124. Bus**

NIKKO: He's hung up again.  
(He redials.)  
NIKKO: Malcolm, listen to me.

**125. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: It's not working.

**126. Bus**

NIKKO: I need that signal. We've got billions of those things

**127. Mobile HQ**

NIKKO [OC]: About to fly through.  
TAYLOR: Well, what do I do?

**128. Bus**

NIKKO: Loop it back through the integrator, and keep the signal ramping up.

**129. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR; But by how much?

**130. Bus**

NIKKO: Five hundred Bernards. Do it now!

**131. Mobile HQ**

TAYLOR: Yes!  
(The wormhole collapses at both ends.)  
TAYLOR: Yes!

**132. Tunnel - north entrance**

MAGAMBO: Target at nine o'clock.  
(A rocket takes down a stingray.)  
MAGAMBO: I don't believe it. Guns that work.

**133. Bus**

NATHAN: Nikko, it's coming for us.  
NIKKO: Oh no, you don't.  
(Nikko turns the bus, hitting the stingray.)

**134. Tunnel - north entrance**

MAGAMBO: Twelve o'clock. Take it out.  
(The last one gets blasted and crashes to the ground in pieces.)  
MAGAMBO: Cease fire.  
CALHOON: Cease fire!  
MAGAMBO: Arms down.

**135. Bus**

CHRISTINA: Did I say I hated you? I was lying.  
(Christina kisses Nikko. The passengers applaud.)  
NIKKO: Do not stand forward of this point. Ladies and gentlemen, you have reached your final destination. Welcome home, the mighty two hundred.

**136. Tunnel - north entrance**

(Nikko lands the bus, and UNIT applauds. The passengers disembark.)  
CALHOON: Welcome back. If you could step away from the bus, just to be safe. As fast as you can, thank you. It's standard procedure. We need to screen you and then you'll all be taken to debriefing.  
(Nikko flashes his psychic paper.)  
NIKKO: I don't count.  
CHRISTINA: No, but Nikko?  
CALHOON: With me, thank you.  
TAYLOR: Nikko.  
NIKKO: You must be Malcolm.  
(Taylor hugs Nikko.)  
TAYLOR: Oh. Oh. I love you. I love you. I love you.  
MAGAMBO: To your station, Doctor Taylor.  
TAYLOR: Yes, ma'am. I love you.  
MAGAMBO: Nikko, I salute you whether you like it or not. Now, I take it we're safe from those things?  
NIKKO: They'll start again. Generate a new doorway. It's not their fault, it's their natural life cycle. But I'll see if I can nudge the wormholes on to uninhabited planets. Closer to home, Captain. Those two lads. Very good in a crisis. Nathan needs a job, Barclay's good with engines. You could do a lot worse. Privates Nathan and Barclay, UNIT's finest.  
MAGAMBO: I'll see what I can do. And I've got something for you.  
(The Tardis is being unloaded from a truck.)  
NIKKO: Better than a bus, any day. Hello.  
MAGAMBO: Found in the gardens of Buckingham Palace.  
NIKKO: Oh, she doesn't mind.  
MAGAMBO: Now, I've got three dead alien stingrays to clear up. I don't suppose you fancy helping with the paperwork?  
NIKKO: Not a chance.  
MAGAMBO: Till we meet again.  
NIKKO: I hope so.  
(Angela phones home.)  
ANGELA: I said I'm back, Suzanne. I'm home. They didn't even know I was gone.  
(The Geiger counter registers on Christina.)  
CHRISTINA: That's quite enough of that.  
(Christina runs to Nikko.)  
MACMILLAN: She is not getting away this time.  
CHRISTINA: Little blue box, just like you said. Right then. Off we go. Come on, Nikko, show me the stars.  
NIKKO: No.  
CHRISTINA: What?  
NIKKO: I said no.  
CHRISTINA: But I saved your life. And you saved mine.  
NIKKO: So?  
CHRISTINA: We're surrounded by police. I'll go to prison.  
NIKKO: Yeah.  
CHRISTINA: But you were right. It's not about the money. I only steal things for the adventure, and today with you. I want more days like this. I want every day to be like this. We're made for each other. You said so yourself. The perfect team. Why not?  
NIKKO: People have travelled with me and I've lost them. Lost them all. Never again.  
MACMILLAN: Lady Christina de Souza. Oh, I have waited a long time to say this. I am arresting you on suspicion of theft. You do not have to say anything, etcetera, etcetera. Dennison, take her away.  
(Christina leaves in handcuffs.)  
CARMEN: Nikko? You take care now.  
NIKKI: You too. Chops and gravy, lovely.  
CARMEN: No, but you be careful.  
NIKKO: What do you mean?  
CARMEN: Something is coming… Something riding into our world. But who will come for us? When Death comes for one… Someone will knock four times for your companion  
(Just as Christina is about to be put into a police car, Nikko sonics her handcuffs. She gets in one side and straight out the other.)  
DENNISON: Oi!  
MACMILLAN: Stop that woman! Stop that woman! Stop her. Don't just stand there, stop her.  
(Christina runs onto the bus and shuts the doors.)  
MACMILLAN: Open the door. I'll add resisting arrest.  
NIKKO: I'd step back, if I were you.  
MACMILLAN: I'm charging you too. Aiding and abetting.  
NIKKO: Yes. I'll just step inside this police box and arrest myself.  
MACMILLAN: Out, now.  
(Christina starts the bus, and up it goes.)  
MACMILLAN: No! Come back!  
ANGELA: Go on.  
CHRISTINA: We could've been so good together.  
NIKKO: Christina, we were.

**137. Tardis**

BELLA: How was it this time?  
NIKKO: Bit too barmy. Someone just warned Matthew. Saying someone will knock four times for him and Death is coming.  
BELLA: Shall I tell him?  
NIKKO: No, it's better not to scare him.  
(Bella goes somewhere)  
NIKKO: Where you going?  
BELLA: The Swimming Pool.  
(Nikko lets the Tardis go back into the Time Vortex)

**138. Under the control room**

MATTHEW: No more.


	14. Autumn Special - The Waters Of Mars

GRAND THEFT FAIL  
SERIES 2  
THE SPECIALS

AUTUMN SPECIAL

THE WATERS OF MARS

**1. Central dome**

(An image of a young woman holding a baby on her lap comes up through the static.)  
EMILY [on monitor]: Hello, Mum. Susie says hello, don't you, sweetheart? That's it. Give a little wave. Er, oh, what was I going to say? Uncle Soon called in, he says hello. He keeps saying, you must be missing her. I said, she's been gone for over two years now, I'm getting used to it.  
(Static.)  
EMILY [on monitor]: Oh, no, it's breaking up. It must be the solar flares.  
ADELAIDE: Talk faster.  
EMILY [on monitor]: About the deposit on the house. Oh, er, I've spoken to the bank  
(Transmission lost.)

**2. Mars**

(The Tardis materialises and Matthew steps out, wearing a red spacesuit.)  
MATTHEW: The red planet.

**3. Central dome**

(A man in a white spacesuit leaves an airlock carrying a device with a solar panel attached to the tripod.)  
ED [OC]: Sun sets in ten minutes, Yuri. You're going to lose the light.  
MIA: That's it. Got you on External Ten.  
YURI [on monitor]: Almost there. That's the radial clamp down. One more thing.  
ED: Get back inside, you're using power and oxygen.

**4. Outside the airlock**

YURI: Oh, hold on. Get this on camera. What do you think?  
(He holds up the solar panel. It has No Trespassers written on it.)

**5. Central dome**

MIA: Hey, looks good. Nice one, Yuri.  
ED: You wasted an entire solar panel just to make that.  
YURI [on monitor]: Oh, lighten up. It's a joke.  
ED: We come all this way to an empty planet, untouched by civilisation, and what do we do? Put up cheap jokes. That's not funny, that's pollution.  
ADELAIDE: Having fun?  
ED: I was just telling him.  
ADELAIDE: I expect better of you, Ed. Now get back to work, all of you.

**6. Mars**

(Matthew looks over a crater rim and down onto the Base with its five outlying domes and shuttle pad connected to the central dome by modular walkways.)  
MATTHEW: Oh, beautiful.  
(Something jabs him in the back.)  
GADGET: Rotate slowly.  
(He does. It is a little robot.)  
GADGET: You are under arrest for trespassing. Gadget gadget.

**7. Central dome**

(Adelaide points a gun at Matthew, who is now out of his spacesuit.)  
ADELAIDE: State your name, rank, and intention.  
MATTHEW: Matthew. Hitman. Fun.  
(A dark-skinned man runs in.)  
TARAK: What the hell? It's a man. A man on Mars. How?  
STEFFI: He was wearing this thing. I have never seen anything like it.  
TARAK: What did Mission Control say?  
STEFFI: They're out of range for ten hours with the solar flares.  
ADELAIDE: If we could cut the chat, everyone.  
MATTHHEW: Actually, chat's second on my list, the first being gun pointed at my head. Which then puts my head second and chat third, I think. Gun, head, chat, yeah. I hate lists. But you could hurt someone with that thing. Just put it down.  
ADELAIDE: Oh, you'd like that.  
MATTHEW: Can you find me someone who wouldn't?  
ADELAIDE: Why should I trust you?  
MATTHEW: Because I give you my word. And forty million miles away from home, my word is all you've got.  
ADELAIDE: Keep Gadget covering him.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
MATTHEW: Oh right, so you control that thing. Auto-glove response.  
ROMAN: You got it. To the right.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
ROMAN: And to the left.  
MATTHEW: It's a bit flimsy.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
MATTHEW: Does it have to keep saying that?  
ROMAN: I think it's funny.  
MATTHEW: I hate funny robots.  
MAGGIE [OC]: Excuse me, boss. Computer log says we've got an

**8. Biodome**

MAGGIE: Extra person on site. How's that possible?  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Keep the Biodome closed.

**9. Central dome**

ADELAIDE: And when using open comms, you call me Captain.  
MAGGIE [OC]: Yeah, but

**10. Biodome**

MAGGIE: Who is it? Disconnected. She's cut me off. Can you believe her? It's like we're just gardeners.  
ANDY: As long as they leave us alone, that's fine with me. Oh, you beauties. Look at this.  
(He holds off a couple of carrots.)  
MAGGIE: Better start planting some more if there's an extra mouth to feed.  
ANDY: The very first garden off Earth. Everything brand new. Eden. That's what we should've called this place.  
(He washes the carrots and takes a bite.)  
MAGGIE: It's the Philippines. I bet. If there's someone else on Mars, it's got to be the Philippines. All those stories about them building a rocket. Adelaide's going to love that. Stealing her thunder. Mind you, worth it to see her face.  
(Behind her back, Andy starts jerking.)  
MAGGIE: Or it could be the Spanish. They kept that Spacelink project under wraps. Didn't your sister work for them? Are you all right, mate? Come on, stop mucking about. Andy? Are you okay?  
(Andy turns around. His eyes are white, the skin around his mouth has big cracks in it and water is dribbling out. Margaret screams.)

**11. Central dome**

ED: He can't be a World State flight, because we'd know about it. Therefore, he's got to be one of the independents, yeah? Was it the Branson inheritance lot? They've talked about a Mars shot for years.  
MATTHEW: Right, yes, okay, you got me. So, I'm Matthew, and you are?  
ADELAIDE: Oh, come on. We're the first off-world colonists in history. Everyone on planet Earth knows who we are.  
MATTHEW: You're the first? The very first humans on Mars? Then this is  
BOTH: Bowie Base One.  
MATTHEW: Number one. Founded July 1st, 2058. Established Bowie Base One in the Gusev Crater. You've been here how long?  
(Matthew remembers an article about it.)  
ADELAIDE: Seventeen months.  
MATTHEW: 2059. It's 2059, right now. Oh! My head is so stupid. You're Captain Adelaide Brooke. And Ed. You're Deputy Edward Gold. Tarak Ital, MD. Nurse Yuri Kerenski. Senior Technician Steffi Ehrlich. Junior Technician Roman Groom. Geologist Mia Bennett. You're only twenty seven years old.  
(And his memories say they all died in 2059.)  
ADELAIDE: As I said, Matthew, everyone knows our names.  
MATTHEW: Oh, they'll never forget them. What's the date, today? What is it? Tell me the exact date.  
ADELAIDE: November 21st, 2059.  
(Bowie Base destroyed. World in mourning. Nuclear blast crater - November 21 2059.)  
MATTHEW: Right. Okay, fine.  
STEFFI: Is there something wrong?  
MIA: What's so important about my age?  
MATTHEW: I should go. I really should go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry with all of my hearts, but it's one of those very rare times when I've got no choice. It's been an honour. Seriously, a very great honour to meet you all. The Martian pioneers.  
(He shakes all their hands, except Roman who has the auto-gloves on, so he pads Gadget instead.)  
MATTHEW: Oh, thank you. Ah.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
(He salutes Adelaide.)  
MATTHEW: Thank you. There's the other two. Hold on. Margaret Cain and Andrew Stone.  
ED: Maggie, if you want to meet the only new human being that you're going to see in the next five years, better come take a look.  
(A roar comes over the speaker.)  
MIA: What was that?  
MATTHEW: Oh, I really should go.  
ED: This is Central. Biodome report immediately.  
ADELAIDE: Show me the Biodome.  
ED: Internal cameras are down.  
ADELAIDE: Show me the exterior.  
(The lights are going out in the biodome.)  
ADELAIDE: I'm going over. Matthew, with me.  
MATTHEW: Yeah, I'm sorry. Er, I'd love to help, but I'm leaving right now.  
ADELAIDE: Take his spacesuit, lock it up. This started as soon as you arrived, so you're not going anywhere except with me.

**12. Tunnel 1**

GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
ADELAIDE: What's so important about Mia's age? You said she's only twenty seven. Why does it matter? What did you mean?  
MATTHEW: Oh, I just open my mouth and words come out. They don't make much sense.  
TARAK: Telling me. Any time, Doctor.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.

**13. Central dome**

(Gadget is relaying the scene back.)  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: I hate robots. Did I say?  
ROMAN: Yeah, and he's not too fond of you. What's wrong with robots?

**14. Tunnel 1**

MATTHEW: It's not the robots, it's the people. Dressing them up and giving them silly voices. Like you're reducing them.  
ROMAN [OC]: Yeah. Friend of mine

**15. Central dome**

ROMAN: She made her domestic robot look like a dog.

**16. Tunnel 1**

MATTHEW: Ah well, dogs. That's different.  
ROMAN [OC]: But I adapted Gadget out of the

**17. Central dome**

ROMAN: Worker drones. Those things are huge. They built this place when the shell was lowered down from orbit. They've got a strength capacity of fifteen tons.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: The channel is open for essential

**18. Tunnel 1**

ADELAIDE: Communications only.

**19. Central dome**

ROMAN: Sorry. Love those drones.

**20. Tunnel 1**

MATTTHEW: I've read all that stuff about you, Captain Adelaide. But one thing they never said. Was it worth it, the mission?  
ADELAIDE: We've got excellent results from the soil analysis.  
MATTHEW: No, but all of it. Because they say you sacrificed everything. Devoted your whole life to get here.  
ADELAIDE: It's been chaos back home. Forty long years. The climate, the ozone, the oil apocalypse. We almost reached extinction. Then to fly above that, to stand on a world with no smoke, where the only straight line is the sunlight? Yes. It's worth it.  
MATTHEW: Ah. That's the Adelaide Brooke I always wanted to meet. The woman with starlight in her soul.  
ADELAIDE: What's that?  
(They run to a figure lying on the floor.)  
ADELAIDE: It's Maggie.  
MATTHEW: Don't touch her!  
TARAK: I know the procedure. Maggie, can you hear me? It's Tarak. Maggie? It's okay, she's still breathing. She's alive. Yuri, I've got Margaret Cain, head trauma. I need a full medpack.****

21. Sickbay

YURI: I've got it. Medpack on its way.

**22. Central dome**

ED: I'm going to help!  
STEFFI: In the absence of the Captain, you're in charge, sir! You've got to stay in the Dome.  
(Too late, he's gone.)

**23. Tunnel 1**

(Ed and Yuri arrive at the double with a stretcher.)  
MATTHEW: Don't touch her. Use the gloves.  
TARAK: Do what he says. Get her to Sickbay. Put her in isolation.  
ADELAIDE: We're going on to the Biodome. Tarak, with me. Yuri can take care of her. Ed, go back. Gadget, stand guard. Keep an eye on this area.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
ED: Captain, you're going to need me. Andy is the only other crew member out here, and if that wasn't an accident, then he's gone wild.  
ADELAIDE: You've deserted your post. Consider that an official warning. Now get back to work. Doctor.

**24. Central dome**

STEFFI: Captain, that sound we heard from the Biodome. I've run it through diagnostics. According to the computer, it's, it's Andy.

**25. Biodome airlock**

STEFFI [OC]: It registers as the voice print of Andy Stone.  
ADELAIDE: Understood. Double check, thanks.  
TARAK: Air pressure stabilised.

**26. Biodome**

ADELAIDE: Andrew? Andrew Stone? It's Captain Brooke. Andy, report. I need to see you. Where are you?  
(Matthew sonics a computer terminal and the lights come back on.)  
MATTHEW: There you go.  
ADELAIDE: What's that device?  
MATTHEW: Screwdriver.  
ADELAIDE: Are you the janitor?  
MATTHEW: I don't know. Sounds like me. The maintenance man of the universe.  
ADELAIDE: You stay with me. Don't step out of my sight. Tarak, go to External Door South. Make sure it's intact.  
TARAK: Yes, ma'am.  
MATTHEW: Quite an achievement. First flower on Mars in ten thousand years. And you're growing veg!  
ADELAIDE: It's that lot. They're already planning Christmas dinner. Last year it was dehydrated protein, this year they want the real thing.  
MATTHEW: Still, fair enough. Christmas.  
ADELAIDE: If we must.  
MATTHEW: You've got birds!  
ADELAIDE: It's part of the project, to keep the insect population down.  
MATTHEW: Good sign.  
ADELAIDE: In what way?  
MATTHEW: Well, they're still alive.  
YURI [OC]: Captain, good news.

**27. Sickbay**

YURI: It's Maggie. She's awake. She's back with us. Hey. How are you, soldier? Just take it easy. Can you remember what happened?  
MAGGIE: I was just working. Then I woke up here.

**28. Biodome**

ADELAIDE: What about Andy? We can't find him.

**29. Sickbay**

ADELAIDE [OC]: Was he all right?  
MAGGIE: I don't know. I just  
ADELAIDE [OC]: If you remember anything, let me know straight away.

**30. Central dome**

ED: Yuri, does she know how she ended up in the tunnel?

**31. Biodome**

ADELAIDE: And keep the comms clear.

**32. Central dome**

ADELAIDE [OC]: Everything goes through me, got that?

**33. Sickbay**

MAGGIE: Come on. Just let me out of here. I'm fine. Just groggy.  
YURI: You know the rules. Twenty four hours.

**34. Biodome**

TARAK: Andy? Andy! Andy! There you are. Are you all right?  
(Andy has his back to Tarak, and he is soaking wet, pouring onto the floor.)  
TARAK: Andy. Andrew. Look at me.

**35. Sickbay**

(Yuri is watching a man speaking Russian on the monitor.)  
MAGGIE: Is that your brother?  
YURI: It's only a repeat. The solar flares are still up. Are you okay?  
MAGGIE: Yeah. Just, you know.  
YURI: He makes me laugh, though. It's his husband. He spends money like an idiot! Last year, for Mikhail's birthday, he said don't buy me anything.  
(Behind Yuri, Maggie starts to jerk.)  
YURI: Let's save money. Georg says fine, okay. His birthday comes around, turns out Georg has bought him a car. Top of the range. And the thing is, he's used Mikhail's credit stamp. So Mik's saying, that means I bought it myself. Georg says it's the thought that counts.  
(Maggie's lips are cracked. She stops jerking.)  
MAGGIE: Where does he live?  
YURI: Oh, just outside Dagestan.  
MAGGIE: Where's that?  
YURI On the Caspian Sea. Here you go.  
(He pulls up a map.)  
MAGGIE: By the sea.  
YURI: Well, technically it's more of a lake.  
MAGGIE: Earth is so much water.  
YURI: Yeah. Just look at her. Forty million miles away.  
MAGGIE: It has so much beauty.  
(Her voice changes, as if she is many in one.)  
MAGGIE: We should like that world.  
(Yuri turns around and sees Maggie, water pouring out her mouth.)  
YURI: This is Sickbay. We have a situation. Maggie's condition has. I don't know. I don't know what it is. It's water, just pouring out.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Yuri, calm down.

**36. Biodome**

ADELAIDE: Just tell me what's happened to her.  
YURI [OC]: The skin is

**37. Sickbay**

YURI: Sort of broken around the mouth. And she's exuding

**38. Biodome**

YURI [OC]: Water, like she's drowning.  
ADELAIDE: Tarak, this area's unsafe. We're going back. Tarak? Tarak!  
MATTHEW: Where was he?

**39. Central dome**

ED: Yuri, keep her contained. Seal the door at maximum. I'm on my way!

**40. Biodome**

(Matthew and Adelaide see Tarak on his knees with Andy's hand on his head. Water is pouring from both of them.)  
MATTHEW: Andy, just leave him alone.  
ADELAIDE: Step away from him.  
MATTHEW: I can help, I promise. I can help. Just leave that man alone.  
ADELAIDE: I order you to stop. Stop, or I'll shoot.  
MATTHEW: Andy, I'm asking you to take your hand away from him and listen to me.  
(Andy releases Tarak.)  
MATTHEW: There now, that's better, hmm? So, you must be Andy. Hello.  
(Tarak looks at them. He has been transformed, too.)  
MATTHEW: We've got to go.  
(The chase is on. Adelaide and Matthew get to the airlock first.)  
MATTHEW: Set the seals on maximum!  
(They get into the airlock just before Andy fires a jet of water at them.)

**41. Sickbay**

ED: What the hell?

**42. Central dome**

MIA: That's not Maggie. What's happened to her? Yuri, what is she?  
STEFFI: Captain, we need you back here.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Just tell me that Maggie is contained.

**43. Biodome airlock**

ADELAIDE: Can you confirm, Ed?

**44. Sickbay**

ED: Confirmed. She's locked in.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Keep surveillance till I get back.

**45. Biodome airlock**

ADELAIDE: And close down all water supplies. All pipes and outlets. Don't consume anything.

**46. Central dome**

ADELAIDE: Have you got that, everyone? That's an order. Don't drink the water.

**47. Biodome airlock**

ADELAIDE: Don't even touch it. Not one drop.  
MATTHEW: Can you talk? Human beings are sixty percent water, which makes them the perfect host.  
ADELAIDE: What for?  
MATTHEW: I don't know. I never will. Because I've got to go. Whatever's started here, I can't see it to the end. I can't.  
(Andy and Tarak start gushing water at the airlock seals.)  
MATTHEW: This thing's airtight, yeah?  
ADELAIDE: And therefore watertight.  
MATTHEW: It depends how clever the water is.  
(Bang.)  
ADELAIDE: They're fusing the system.  
MATTHEW: Abandon ship!  
(They run out into the walkway. Andy and Tarak get through the airlock and chase them.)

**48. Tunnel 1**

(They get back to where Gadget is standing guard. The Doctor gets out his sonic screwdriver.)  
ADELAIDE: Matthew, we haven't got time.  
MATTHEW: They can run faster than us. We need a lift.

**49. Central dome**

(Whatever Matthew is doing gives Roman a jolt.)  
ROMAN: Hey!

**50. Tunnel 1**

GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
MATTHEW: Get on behind me.  
ADELAIDE: That thing goes at two miles an hour.  
MATTHEW: Not any more. Trust me.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
MATTHEW: Gadget gadget.  
(Flames come out of Gadget's exhaust. Roman shakes like he's being electrocuted. Gadget zooms off leaving burning tyre marks.)  
ADELAIDE: The Central Dome airlocks have got Hardinger seals. There's no way they can get in.  
MATTHEW: Come on. Come on.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
MATTHEW: Come on. Come on.  
ADELAIDE: I thought you hated robots.  
MATTHEW: I do.  
(They get Gadget into the airlock just before Andy and Tarak arrive.)

**51. Airlock**

ADELAIDE: We're safe. It's hermetically sealed. They can't get in.  
MATTHEW: Water is patient, Adelaide. Water just waits. It wears down the clifftops, the mountains, the whole of the world. Water always wins. Come on.

**52. Central dome**

ADELAIDE: Biodome Tunnel is out of bounds. Andy and Tarak are infected.

**53. Passageway**

ADELAIDE: Repeat, infected. Make no contact. And if they make the slightest move, tell me.

**54. Central dome**

ADELAIDE [OC]: I'm going to the Medical Dome.

**55. Tunnel 2**

MATTHEW: Blimey, it's a distance. You could do with bikes in this place.  
ADELAIDE: Every pound in weight equals three tons of fuel.  
MATTHEW: Yeah, I know. But bikes.

**56. Sickbay**

ADELAIDE: Has that door got a Hardinger seal?  
ED: No, just basic.  
ADELAIDE: Then the moment she heads for the door, we evacuate. Got that?  
ED: Pulse is low. Electrical activity in the brain seems to be going haywire.  
ADELAIDE: Can she talk?  
YURI: Don't know. She was talking before we noticed the change, but  
ADELAIDE: Maggie, can you hear me? Do you know who I am? Your commanding officer, Captain Adelaide Brooke. Can you tell me what happened?  
MATTHEW: Hoorghwall in schtochman ahn warrellinsh och fortabellan iin hoorgwahn.  
ED: What language is that?  
MATTHEW: Ancient North Martian.  
ADELAIDE: Don't be ridiculous.  
ED: It's like she recognised it.  
MATTHEW: And her eyes are different. They're clear, like she's closer to human.  
ED: Not close enough for me.  
MATTHEW: Where do you get your water from?  
ADELAIDE: The ice field. That's why we chose the crater. We're on top of an underground glacier.  
MATTHEW: Tons of water. Marvellous.  
YURI: But every single drop is filtered. It's screened. It's safe.  
MATTHEW: Looks like it, yeah.  
ED: If something was frozen down there. A viral life form held in the ice for all those years.  
MATTHEW: Look at her mouth. All blackened, like there's some sort of fission. This thing, whatever it is, doesn't just hide in water, it creates water. Tell me what you want.  
YURI: She was looking at the screen. At Earth. She wanted Earth. A world full of water.  
ED: Captain, With me.  
(Adelaide and Ed turn their backs on Maggie and walk away.)  
ED: I'm sorry, but it's an unknown infection and it's spreading. That demands Action Procedure One.  
ADELAIDE: Do you think I don't know that?  
ED: I think you need reminding.  
ADELAIDE: Yeah.  
ED: Well, at least I'm good for something.  
ADELAIDE: Now and again.  
ED: That's almost a compliment. Things must be serious.  
MATTHEW: Sorry, sorry, but, Action One, that means evacuation, yeah?  
ADELAIDE: We're going home. This is Captain Brooke. I'm declaring Action One. Repeat to all crewmembers, this is Action One with immediate effect. Evacuate the base.

**57. Central dome**

STEFFI: I'll store the central computer. Mia, strip the cargo down to essentials. Roman, on your feet.  
ROMAN: But we came all this way.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
STEFFI: And you can kiss that robot goodbye. It's too heavy. Now shove it in storage and hurry up.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Steffi, what's your estimate on shuttle viability?  
STEFFI: It's a nine month flight. It'll take us at least three hours to load up everything we need.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: You've got twenty minutes. And give me a report on Andy and Tarak.  
STEFFI: Still in the Biodome tunnel. They're just standing there, like they're waiting.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Keep an eye on them.

**58. Sickbay**

ADELAIDE: And make that twenty minutes fifteen. Ed, line up the shuttle. Go straight to ignition status.  
ED: Doing it now.  
YURI: But what about Maggie?  
ADELAIDE: She stays behind. We've got no way to contain her on board. Close this place down. I want the power directed to the shuttle.  
MATTHEW: Of course, the only problem is  
ADELAIDE: Thank you, Matthew. Your spacesuit will be returned. And good luck to you.  
MATTHEW: The problem is, this thing is clever. It didn't infect the birds or the insects in the biodome, it chose the humans. You were chosen. And I told you, Adelaide, water can wait. Tarak changed straight away, but when Maggie was infected it stayed hidden inside her, no doubt so it could infiltrate the Central Dome. Which means  
ADELAIDE: Any one of us could already be infected. We've all been drinking the same water.  
MATTHEW: And if you take that back to Earth, one drop. Just one drop.  
ADELAIDE: But we're only presuming infection. If we can find out how this thing got through. When it got through. Yuri, continue with Action One. I'm going to inspect the ice field.  
MATTHEW: Right. I should leave. Finally, I should leave. Yuri, me old mate, no point in me seeing the ice field. No point at all. No. Adelaide!

**59. Tunnel 3**

(Matthew catches up with Adelaide.)  
MATTHEW: All I'm saying is, bikes. Little foldaway bikes. Don't weigh a thing.

**60. Sickbay**

(Yuri wheels his trolley of medical supplies to the door.)  
YURI: I'm sorry.  
(He goes out, turning off the power and sealing the door. Maggie goes to short out the isolation room door.)

**61. Central dome**

ROMAN: Even if she gets past the Medical Dome, she'll never get past the Hardinger seal at this end, right?  
ED: So we keep saying. Camera's down. We've lost her.  
(Maggie gets out of the isolation chamber and calls out. Andy and Tarak hear her, and walk back down Tunnel 1.)

**62. Water extraction module**

MATTHEW: They tell legends of Mars from long ago, of a fine and noble race who built an empire out of snow. The Ice Warriors.  
ADELAIDE: I haven't got time for stories.  
MATTHEW: Perhaps they found something down there. Used their might and their wisdom to freeze it.  
ADELAIDE: Matthew, we need to find any sort of change in the water process. We've got to date the infection.  
COMPUTER: Access denied.  
ADELAIDE: You don't look like a coward, but all you've wanted to do is leave. You know so much about us.  
MATTHEW: Well, you're famous.  
ADELAIDE: It's like you know more.  
MATTHEW: This moment, this precise moment in time, it's like. I mean, it's only a theory, what do I know, but I think certain moments in time are fixed. Tiny, precious moments. Everything else is in flux, anything can happen, but those certain moments, they have to stand. This base on Mars with you, Adelaide Brooke, this is one vital moment. What happens here must always happen.  
ADELAIDE: Which is what?  
MATTHEW: I don't know. I think something wonderful happens. Something that started fifty years ago, isn't that right?  
ADELAIDE: I've never told anyone that.  
MATTHEW: You told your daughter. And maybe one day she tells the story to her daughter. The day the Earth was stolen and moved across the universe. And you  
ADELAIDE: I saw the Daleks. We looked up. The sky had changed. Everyone was running and screaming. And my father took hold of me.

**63. Memory - attic**

BROOKE: Stay here. Don't move. I've got to go out. I'm going to find your mother, but I'm coming back. I promise you. I'm coming back.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: I never saw him again.

**64. Water extraction module**

ADELAIDE: Nor my mother. They were never found. But out on the streets, there was panic and burning. I went to the window, and there, in the sky, I saw it, Matthew. And it saw me. It stared at me. It looked right into me. And then it simply went away. I knew, that night, I knew I would follow it.  
MATTHEW: But not for revenge.  
ADELAIDE: What would be the point of that?  
MATTHEW: That's what makes you remarkable. And that's how you create history.  
ADELAIDE: What do you mean?  
MATTHEW: Imagine it, Adelaide, if you began a journey that takes the human race all the way out to the stars. It begins with you, and then your granddaughter, you inspire her, so that in thirty years Susie Fontana Brooke is the pilot of the first lightspeed ship to Proxima Centauri. And then everywhere, with her children, and her children's children forging the way. To the Dragon Star, the Celestial Belt of the Winter Queen, the Map of the Watersnake Wormholes. One day a Brooke will even fall in love with a Tandonian prince, that's the start of a whole new species. But everything starts with you, Adelaide. From fifty years ago to right here, today. Imagine.  
ADELAIDE: Who are you? Why are you telling me this? Matthew, why tell me?  
MATTHEW: As consolation.  
(The maintenance log pops up on screen.)  
ADELAIDE: Andy Stone. He logged on yesterday.  
ANDY [on screen]: Maintenance log, twenty one twenty, November 2059. Number three water filter's bust. And guess what? The spares they sent don't fit. What a surprise. Over and out.  
MATTHEW: A filter! One tiny little filter and then the Flood.  
ADELAIDE: But that means the infection arrived today, and the water's only cycled out of the biodome after a week. The rest of us can't be infected. We can leave. Ed, we're clean.

**65. Central dome**

ADELAIDE [OC]: How are we doing?  
ED: Shuttle's active. Stage one. I haven't got time to convey the protein packs. If you want food you're going to have to carry it by hand. Start loading, right now.

**66. Tunnel 3**

ADELAIDE: You were right, Matthew.  
MATTHEW: What about?  
ADELAIDE: Bikes!

**67. Central dome**

(Adelaide gives Matthew his spacesuit.)  
ADELAIDE: Now get to your ship. I'm saving my people, you save yourself. I know what this moment is. It's the moment we escape. Now get out.  
ED: Everyone, stay focused.  
MIA: I'll swap them round. Roman, what about you?  
ROMAN: Protein packs thirty to thirty six.  
ED: Hurry up, Roman.  
(Andy and Tarak have climbed onto the roof of Tunnel One and are walking to the dome, but no one notices the schematic showing this. In the hubbub, an alarm sounds.)  
ADELAIDE: Ditch the central containers. We don't need them.  
STEFFI: Units forty one, forty two and forty three.  
YURI: Unit forty one is here.  
ADELAIDE: Roman, try to condense the oxygen membranes. We can lose ten pounds. Faster, come on! Ed, how's the fuel jets?  
ED: Cooling down in about thirty seconds.  
STEFFI: Captain, we've got all the hard drives.  
(Andy and Tarak lie face down on the dome.)  
ADELAIDE: What the hell's that noise? Mia, you lot, shut up.  
ED: It's the module sensors. Exterior twelve. The cameras are down, but there's pressure on top of the module. Two signals right above us.  
STEFFI: That means they're on the roof?  
YURI: How did they get inside the Dome?  
ED: They used the maintenance shafts.  
MIA: The shaft's open and they haven't got spacesuits.  
ED: They breathe water.  
STEFFI: But they'd freeze.  
YURI: They've got that internal fission.  
MIA: But we're safe, they can't get through, can they? Can they?  
(The roof creaks.)  
ROMAN: This place is airtight.  
STEFFI: Can it get through? Ed, can it get through?  
ED: I don't know! Water itself isn't motile, but it has some sort of persistence.  
ADELAIDE: Everyone, listen to me. That's ten feet of steel-combination up there. We need all the protein packs or we're going to starve. Now keep working. Roman, watch the ceiling. Ed, get to the shuttle. Fire it up.  
ED: I can carry more than this lot, Captain.  
ADELAIDE: That's an order!  
ED: Captain.  
(And Matthew continues to stand there, holding his spacesuit, and remembering how history recorded the end of Bowie Base One. Finally he turns and leaves.)

**68. Airlock**

COMPUTER: Access denied. Access denied.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Tell me what happens.  
MATTHEW: I don't know.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Yes, you do.

**69. Central dome**

ADELAIDE: Now tell me.  
MATTHEW [OC]: You should be with the others.  
ADELAIDE: Tell me! I could ramp up the pressure in that airlock and crush you.  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: Except you won't. You could have shot Andy Stone, but you didn't.

**70. Airlock**

MATTHEW: I loved you for that. Imagine, imagine you knew something. Imagine you found yourself somewhere. I don't know, Pompeii.

**71. Central dome**

MATTHEW [OC]: Imagine you were in Pompeii.  
ADELAIDE: What the hell's that got to do with it?  
MATTHEW [OC]: And you tried to save them.

**72. Airlock**

MATTHEW: Anything I do just makes it happen.

**73. Central dome**

STEFFI: Captain, we need you right now.

**74. Airlock**

ADELAIDE [OC]: I'm still here.

**75. Central dome**

MATTHEW [on monitor]: You're taking Action One. There are four more standard action procedures. And Action Five is?  
ADELAIDE: Detonation.  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: The final option. The nuclear device at the heart of the Central Dome. Today, on the twenty first of November 2059, Captain Brooke activates that device, taking the base and all her crew members with her. No one ever knows why. But you were saving Earth. That's what inspires your granddaughter. She takes your people out into the galaxy because you die on Mars. You die today. She flies out there like she's trying to meet you.  
ADELAIDE: I won't die. I will not.  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: But your death creates the future.  
ADELAIDE: Help me. Why won't you help, Doctor? If you know all of this, why can't you change it?  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: I can't.  
ADELAIDE: Why can't you find a way? You could tell me, I don't know  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: I'm sorry, but I can't. Sometimes I can, sometimes I do. Most times I can save someone, or anyone. But not you. You wondered all your life why that Dalek spared you. I think it knew. Your death is fixed in time for ever. And that's right.  
ADELAIDE: You'll die here too.  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: No.  
ADELAIDE: What's going to save you?  
MATTHEW [on monitor]: Captain Adelaide Brooke.  
(Adelaide releases the airlock.)  
ADELAIDE: Damn you.  
(Water pours through the storage area ceiling.)  
ROMAN: Water! We've got water!  
MIA: Captain! Get back! Get back! Captain! Don't touch it, Roman. Get back. Get back.  
ADELAIDE: Everyone, we're abandoning this section. Get to the shuttle. Yuri, lead the way. Section B corridor, now.  
MIA: Get that, and that.  
ADELAIDE: Close it!  
(Yuri closes the storage area door where the water is pouring in.)  
MIA: Yuri, did that water touch you?  
YURI: I'm safe  
STEFFI: Did it touch you?

**76. Airlock**

STEFFI [OC]: Yuri, did that water touch you?  
YURI [OC]: I'm clean. I'm dry.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Everyone

**77. Central dome**

ADELAIDE: Section B is out.  
MIA: But we can get  
ADELAIDE: Listen to me.

**78. Airlock**

ADELAIDE [OC]: Take every pack that you can. We'll go round. We'll make our way out through Section F.  
STEFFI [OC]: Transferring oxygenation to Section F. Mia you take the redline stock. And hurry up!  
(The dome ceiling cracks, and Steffi gets trapped behind a curtain of water.)  
YURI: Steffi, come!

**79. Airlock**

MIA [OC]: Steffi, get back!  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Steffi, keep back.  
YURI [OC]: Get back!  
MIA [OC]: Steffi!  
YURI [OC]: Get back, Steffi!

**80. Central dome**

(Steffi backs into the communications alcove.)  
ADELAIDE: Screen!  
YURI: Shut the door! Close the door!  
ROMAN: Steffi, we'll come get you, okay? We'll come get you!  
ADELAIDE: Steffi!  
STEFFI: Captain!  
ADELAIDE: We'll open the access panel.

**81. Airlock**

ADELAIDE [OC]: We'll get you out through the back.

**82. Central dome**

ADELAIDE: Get out of here. Move it!  
STEFFI: Captain, it's inside!

**83. Airlock**

ADELAIDE [OC]: Steffi!  
MIA [OC]: Steffi, get back!  
ADELAIDE [OC]: We're coming, Steffi. Hold on!

**84. Tunnel 0**

(Matthew leaves the airlock.)  
ROMAN [OC]: The access panel's fused, Captain. We can't open it.  
YURI [OC]: We can't get through!  
STEFFI [OC]: I can't move!

**85. Central dome**

(Steffi is pressed up against the bank of monitors. She presses a play button and a message plays from a little girl.)  
ULRIKA [on monitor]: Hallo, Mutti. Hallo, Mars! Sag hallo. (continues in German.)  
(Water pours onto Steffi.  
(Matthew walks slowly back, listening to the little girl's message.)  
ADELAIDE: Steffi! Can you hear me?  
MIA: Oh, my God.  
ADELAIDE: Out. Get out.  
(Mia leaves. Steffi has been transformed. She leaves the communications alcove.)

**86. Corridor**

ADELAIDE: Ed, we're going round the long way. How are we doing?

**87. Shuttle**

ED: All systems online one hundred percent. Not a single delay. Don't you worry, Captain, we are going to fly.  
(The shuttle's engines fire up.)

**88. Outside the Base**

(Matthew is walking outside, silhouetted against the shuttle exhaust.)  
ADELAIDE [OC]: I need air in section F right now. All of you  
YURI [OC]: Locking chamber three. Locking chamber four.  
ROMAN [OC]: The water is going to get through.  
ADELAIDE [OC]: Keep moving!  
YURI [OC]: Gate five is open. Gate six is open.

**89. Section F**

YURI [OC} Quickly, come on.  
(Roman looks up at the ceiling.)  
MIA: I've got twenty five to thirty locked down.  
(A drop of water falls on Roman's face.)  
ADELAIDE: Roman, come on. With me.  
ROMAN: You'd better go.

**90. Outside the base**

ADELAIDE: Don't just stand there. Move.  
ROMAN [OC]: You'd really better go without me.

**91. Section F**

ROMAN: I'm sorry, Captain. One drop.  
(Roman starts jerking.)  
MIA: Roman! Roman!  
YURI: Leave him, come on.

**92. Outside the base**

MIA [OC]: We can't just leave him.  
YURI [OC]: Come on.  
MIA [OC]: Let me go!  
YURI [OC]: We've got to go.  
MIA [OC]: Roman!

**93. Section F**

YURI: I'm so sorry.  
(Maggie enters the shuttle and aims a jet of water at Ed. He closes the bulkhead, but not in time.)  
ED [OC]: Captain. The shuttle is down.  
ADELAIDE: What the hell do you mean?

**94. Outside the base**

ED [OC]: Compromised. It was Maggie.  
ADELAIDE: Get out of there.  
ED [OC]: Too late.

**95. Shuttle**

(Ed activates the autodestruct.)  
ED: They want this ship to get to Earth. Got no choice.

**96. Outside the base**

ED: Hated it, Adelaide.

**97. Shuttle**

ED: This bloody job. Argh.

**98. Outside the base**

ED [OC]: You never gave me a chance.

**99. Section F**

ED [OC]: You never could forgive me.

**100. Shuttle**

(Ed's eyes have changed.)  
ED: See you later.  
(He hits the destruct button and the shuttle goes KaBOOM. The blast knocks Matthew off his feet and wreaks havoc in Section F.)

**101. Section F**

YURI: We're losing oxygen!

**102. Section F**

MATTHEW: Mia, take this sealant, fix that leak. Yuri, open emergency oxygen. Adelaide, don't just sit there. That's better. The Dome's still got integrity! It's ten feet of steel-combination, made in Liverpool. Magnificent workmanship.  
ADELAIDE: It can't be stopped. Don't die with us.  
MATTHEW: No, because someone told me just recently. They said I was going to die. They said he will knock four times, and I think I know what that means, and it doesn't mean right here, right now, because I don't hear anyone knocking, do you?  
(Andy thumps three times on the bulkhead door.)  
MATTHEW: Three knocks is all you're getting.  
(He electrifies the bulkhead.)  
MATTHEW: Water and electricity, bad mix. Now then, what else have we got?  
ADELAIDE: But there's no way to fight them.  
MATTHEW: Heat! They use water, so we can use heat. Works against the Ice Warriors, works against the Flood. Ramp up the environment controls and steam them.  
ADELAIDE: But you said we die. For the future, for the human race.  
MATTHEW: Yes, because there are laws. There are Laws of Time. Once upon a time there were people in charge of those laws, but they died. They all died. Do you know who that leaves? Me! It's taken me all these years to realise the Laws of Time are mine, and they will obey me!  
(Bang! Sparks! Alarms!)  
ADELAIDE: Environment controls are down. Sorry, Matthew, it looks like history's got other ideas.  
MATTHEW: I'm not beaten yet. I'll go outside, find the heat regulator.  
(His spacesuit helmet is damaged.)  
MATTHEW: Not beaten. Not beaten! You've got spacesuits in the next section.  
(But water is pouring through the ceiling.)  
MATTHEW: We're not just fighting the Flood, we're fighting time itself. And I'm going to win!  
(Maggie is in the Water Extraction module. She emits a high pitched noise and the glacier starts to crack.)  
YURI: Something is happening to the glacier.  
MATTHEW: Think-a think-a think-a think. What have we got? Not enough oxygen. Protein packs, useless. Glacier, glacier mints, minty, Monty, molto bene, bunny, bonny, bish bash bosh. Argh. The room, the room, look at the room. Section F. What's in Section F? Anyone!  
YURI: Nothing. It's just storage.  
MATTHEW: Storing what?  
YURI: I don't know. Er, the weather spikes, the robots, the atom clamps.  
MATTHEW: Atom clamps. Atom clamps? Who needs atom clamps? I love a funny robot.  
(Matthew opens a unit to reveal -)  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
(Matthew gives Gadget something to hold.)  
MATTHEW: You take that. Good boy.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
(Matthew puts on the auto-remote gloves.)  
MATTHEW: Off we go then.  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
(Adelaide presses a button on a computer keyboard. The monitor lights up with Warning.)  
MATTHEW: Come on, come on!  
(Matthew steers Gadget through fire and water.)  
COMPUTER: Implementing Captain's protocol.  
MATTHEW: Adelaide? What are you doing?  
MIA: Oh, my God. Action Five.  
MATTHEW: If I have to fight you as well, then I will.  
COMPUTER: Nuclear device now active and primed.  
(The countdown has started at 100.)  
COMPUTER: Nuclear device now active and primed.  
MATTHEW: Blast off!  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
(Gadget zooms forward.)  
MATTHEW: Faster!  
(Gadget streaks across the sands of Mars. All the infected people add their voice to the sonics that are making the crack bigger. Gadget reaches the Tardis.)  
COMPUTER: Nuclear device entering final process.

**103. Outside the Tardis**

GADGET: Gadget gadget.  
(Gadget raises the key to the lock.)

**104. Section F**

MATTHEW: And we're in! Ha, ha.  
(The countdown reaches 43.)

**105. Tardis**

(Matthew sets the Tardis controls remotely via Gadget.)  
NIKKO: Hey little robot, what's your name?  
GADGET: Gadget gadget.

**106. Section F**

(23, 22 and the wind of a materialising Tardis fills the area. 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Bowie Base One goes KaBOOM!)

**107. Street**

(The Tardis materialises on a snow covered Georgian street. Matthew leads Adelaide, Mia, Yuri and Gadget out.)  
MATTHEW: Isn't anyone going to thank me?  
(Gadget shuts down.)  
MATTHEW: He's lost his signal. Doesn't know where he is.  
ADELAIDE: That's my house.  
MATTHEW: Don't you get it? This is the twenty first of November 2059. It's the same day on Earth. And it's snowing. I love snow.  
MIA: What is that thing? It's bigger. I mean, it's bigger on the inside. Who the hell are you?  
(Mia runs away.)  
ADELAIDE: Look after her.  
YURI: Yes, ma'am.  
(Yuri runs after Mia.)  
ADELAIDE: You saved us.  
MATTHEW: Just think though. Your daughter, and your daughter's daughter, you can see them again. Family reunion.  
ADELAIDE: But I'm supposed to be dead.  
MATTHEW: Not any more.  
ADELAIDE: But Susie, my granddaughter. The person she's supposed to become might never exist now.  
DOCTOR: Nah! Captain Adelaide can inspire her face to face. Different details, but the story's the same.  
ADELAIDE: You can't know that. And if my family changes, the whole of history could change. The future of the human race. No-one should have that much power.  
MATTHEW: Tough.  
ADELAIDE: You should have left us there.  
MATTHEW: Adelaide, I've done this sort of thing before. In small ways, saved some little people, but never someone as important as you. Oh, I'm good.  
ADELAIDE: Little people? What, like Mia and Yuri? Who decides they're so unimportant? You?  
MATTHEW: For a long time now, I thought I was just a survivor, but I'm not. I'm the winner. That's who I am. The Time Lord Victorious.  
ADELAIDE: And there's no one to stop you.  
MATTHEW: No.  
ADELAIDE: This is wrong, Matthew. I don't care who you are. The Time Lord Victorious is wrong.  
MATTHEW: That's for me to decide. Now, you'd better get home. Oh, it's all locked up. You've been away. Still, that's easy.  
(He points his sonic screwdriver at the front door, and it opens.)  
MATTHEW: All yours.  
ADELAIDE: Is there nothing you can't do?  
MATTHEW: Not any more.  
(Adelaide goes inside, drawing her gun and closing the door. Then we hear the shot and see the energy blast light up the window. Matthew turns around and in his head, he watches the history record change her place of death from Mars to Earth. Susie Fontana Brooke still goes into space, though.)  
ADELAIDE [OC]: I don't care who you are. The Time Lord Victorious is wrong.  
(Matthew turns to see an Ood looking at him.)  
MATTHEW: I've gone too far. Is this it? My death? Is it time?  
(Matthew falls to his knees. The Ood vanishes. He gets up again and goes inside the Tardis.)

**108. Tardis**

(The Cloister bell tolls.)  
MATTHEW: No.  
NIKKO: Where the hell we going?


	15. Xmas Special 3 - The End Of Time

GRAND THEFT FAIL

SERIES 2

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 3 AND NEW YEARS SPECIAL

THE END OT TIME (FULL)

NARRATOR [OC]: It is said that in the final days of planet Earth, everyone had bad dreams. To the west of the north of that world, the human race did gather, in the celebration of a pagan rite to banish the cold and the dark. Each and every one of those people had dreamt of the terrible things to come. But they forgot, because they must. They forgot their nightmares of fire and war and insanity. They forgot. Except for one.

**1. Street**

(Christmas time. Wilf hears an evil laugh in his head.)  
MASTER [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!  
(The Salvation Army band is playing God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen.)

**2. Church**

(Wilf goes inside the nearest church, where a choir is rehearsing. He notices a strange blue rectangle in the stained glass window above the altar. A woman dressed in a white suit makes him jump.)  
WOMAN: They call it the Legend of the Blue Box.  
WILF: Oh. I've never been in here before. I'm not one for churches. Too cold.  
WOMAN: This was the site of a convent back in the thirteen hundreds. It's said a demon fell from the sky, then a man appeared. A man in a blue box. They called him the sainted physician. He smote the demon and then disappeared.  
WILF: That's a bit of a coincidence.  
WOMAN: It's said there's no such thing as coincidence. Who knows? Perhaps he's coming back.  
WILF: Oh, that would make my Christmas.  
(The woman has disappeared. Wilf hears the laughter again.)  
MASTER [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!

**3. Ood Sphere**

(The Tardis materialises in the snowy landscape, and Matthew steps out wearing a stetson and Bella with a lei. Ood Sigma is waiting for him.)  
MATTHEW: Ah! Now, sorry. There you are. So, where were we? I was summoned, wasn't I? An Ood in the snow, calling to me. Well, I didn't exactly come straight here. Had a bit of fun, you know. Travelled about, did this and that. Got into trouble. You know me. It was brilliant. I saw the Phosphorous Carousel of the Great Magellan Gestadt, saved a planet from the Red Carnivorous Maw, named a galaxy Alison. Got married. That was a mistake. Good Queen Bess. And let me tell you, her nickname is no longer. Ahem. Anyway, what do you want?  
SIGMA: You should not have delayed.  
MATTHEW: The last time I was here you said my song would be ending soon, and I'm in no hurry for that.  
SIGMA: You will come with me.  
MATTHEW: Hold on. Better lock the Tardis.  
(Matthew points a remote key at the Tardis. The door locks and the light flashes at it beeps.)  
MATTHEW: See? Like a car. I locked it like a car. Like. It's funny. No? Little bit? Blimey, try to make an Ood laugh. So how old are you now, Ood Sigma? Ah.  
(He sees the Ood city.)  
BELLA: Magnificent. Oh, come on, that is splendid. You've achieved all this in how long?  
SIGMA: One hundred years.  
MATTHEW: Then we've got a problem. Because all of this is way too fast. Not just the city, I mean your ability to call me. Reaching all the way back to the twenty first century. Something's accelerating your species way beyond normal.  
SIGMA: And the Mind of the Ood is troubled.  
BELLA: Why, what's happened?  
SIGMA: Every night, Matthew and Bella, every night we have bad dreams.

**4. Ood Council**

(Sitting in a circle in an ice cave.)  
ELDER: Returning, returning, returning, it is slowly returning through the dark and the fire and the blood. Always returning, returning to this world. It is returning, and he is returning, and they are returning, but too late. Too late. Far too late. He has come.  
SIGMA: Sit with the Elder of the Ood and share the dreaming.  
MATTHEW: So. Right. Hallo.  
OOD: You will join. You will join. You will join. You will join. You will join. You will join. You will join.  
(Matthew and Bella link hands with the Ood and sees the laughing face.)  
MASTER [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!  
ELDER: He comes to us every night. I think all the peoples of the universe dream of him now.  
BELLA: That man is dead.  
ELDER: There is yet more. Join us. Events are taking shape. So many years ago, and yet changing the now. There is a man  
MASTER [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!

**5. Nobles' home**

ELDER [OC]: So scared.  
BELLA: Wilfred. Is he all right?

**6. Ood Council**

BELLA: What about Macy, is she safe?  
ELDER: You should not have delayed, for the lines of convergence are being drawn across the Earth. Even now, the king is in his Counting house.  
(The two is given images of a black man and his daughter being photographed.)  
BELLA: I don't know who they are.  
ELDER: And there is another. The most lonely of all, lost and forgotten.  
(A woman in a cage.)  
BELLA: The Master's wife.  
SIGMA: We see so much, but understand little. The woman in the cage, who is she?  
BELLA: She was. It wasn't her fault, she was. The Master, he's a Time Lord, like me. I can show you.  
(Bella shows the Ood images from Last of the Time Lords.)  
BELLA: The Master took the name of Saxon. He married a human, a woman called Lucy. And he corrupted her. She stood at his side while he conquered the Earth. The Doctor reversed everything he'd done so it never even happened, but Lucy Saxon remembered. He held him in my arms. He burnt his body. The Master is dead.  
ELDER: And yet, you did not see.  
BELLA: What's that?  
MASTER [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!  
(A woman picking up the Master's signet ring.)  
BELLA: Part of him survived. I have to go!  
ELDER: But something more is happening, Bella. The Master is part of a greater design, because a shadow is falling over creation. Something vast is stirring in the dark. The Ood have gained this power to see through time, because time is bleeding. Shapes of things once lost are moving through the veil, and these events from years ago threaten to destroy this future, and the present, and the past.  
BELLA: What do you mean?  
ELDER: This is what we have seen, Bella. The darkness heralds only one thing.  
OOD: The end of time itself.  
MASTER [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!  
(Bella and Matthew run outside and back to the Tardis.)  
ELDER: Events that have happened are happening now.

**7. Prison**

(While the Tardis is in flight, Lucy Saxon is taken from her cell and escorted by women Prison Officers. to meet a another woman.)  
GOVERNOR: Mrs Saxon. Let me introduce myself. I'm your new Governor. I'm afraid the previous Governor met with something of an accident, which took quite some time to arrange. Miss Trefusis, if you will prepare. You kept your silence well, Mrs Saxon. Your trial was held in secret, with no jury, so no one knows who Harold Saxon was, where he came from, why you killed him. Make her kneel. There are those of us who never lost faith. And in his wisdom, Harold Saxon prepared for this moment. He knew that he might die and he made us ready. Tonight, Mrs Saxon, he returns.  
MASTER [OC]: Bwahahahahahaha!  
(Miss Trefusis holds out the Master's signet ring. Lucy gasps.  
Meanwhile, Wilf is looking out at the kitchen window at the storm while the Woman in White briefly appears on the TV screen in the other room.)  
GOVERNOR: As it was written in the Secret Books of Saxon, these are the Potions of Life.  
(The signet ring is put into a bowl and blue liquids are poured over it.)  
LUCY: Listen to me. Whatever he told you, you've got no idea what you're doing.  
GOVERNOR: Miss Trefusis, the catalyst.  
LUCY: What are you doing? Leave me alone!  
(Miss Trefusis takes a print of Lucy's lips.)  
GOVERNOR: You were Saxon's wife. You bore his imprint. That's all we needed. The final biometrical signature.  
LUCY: You can't bring him back. You can't!  
(Miss Trefusis drops the imprint into the bowl and there is a big flash, then a light beams up and out of Broadfell Prison into the sky.)  
LUCY: I'm begging you! Stop this now before it's too late!  
GOVERNOR: We give ourselves that Saxon might live.  
(Energy is pulled out of the Governor and her acolytes.)  
LUCY: Can't you see? He lied to you. His name isn't even Harold Saxon.  
GOVERNOR: And this was written also, for his name is the Master!  
(The figure of the naked Master begins to appear in the column of light.)  
MASTER: Never. Never. Never. Never. Never dying. Never dying! Never dying! Never dying! Never dying! Bwahahahahahaha! Oh, Lucy. Sweet Lucy Saxon. My ever faithful. Did the widow's kiss bring me back to life?  
LUCY: You're killing them!  
MASTER: Oh, let them die. They're just the first. The whole stupid, stinking, human disgrace can fall into the pit. Can't you hear it, Lucy? The noise? The drumbeat louder than ever before. The drums. The never ending drums. Oh, I have missed them.  
LUCY: But no-one knew you better than I did. I knew you'd come back. And all this time, your disciples have prepared. But so have we.  
(Lucy takes a small vial from a prison officer who was not an acolyte.)  
MASTER: What are you doing?  
LUCY: The Secret Books of Saxon spoke of the Potions of Life. And I was never that bright, but my family had contacts. People who were clever enough to calculate the opposite.  
MASTER: Don't you dare. I'm ordering you, Lucy. You will obey me!  
LUCY: Till death do us part, Harry!  
MASTER: No!  
(Lucy throws the vial at the Master and there is an explosion.  
Bella and Matthew run out of the Tardis to see the ruined shell of Broadfell Prison.)

**8. Naismith's study**

(A butler and two footmen are standing nearby as the black woman enters the panelled room. The black man is looking at footage on his laptop.)  
NAISMITH: I think we might be in luck, darling. It's the footage from Broadfell Prison the night it burnt down. Take a look at this.  
(A silhouette of a figure runs quickly across the flames.)  
ABIGAIL: Someone survived! Do you think it's him? Oh, that would be such a Christmas present.  
NAISMITH: You just leave it to Daddy.

**9. Gate room**

(They walk into a room lit by a domed glass roof.)  
NAISMITH: Ladies and gentlemen, it seems help is at hand. Christmas is cancelled. Prepare the gate.  
(An archway begins to light up.)

**10. Nobles' home**

WILF: Just going down to the Lion. Quick little snifter. Christmas drinks. All right, ta-da.

**11. Outside the Nobles' home**

(Wilf gets out his mobile phone and makes a call.)  
WILF: Paratroop One to Paratroop Two. We are mobilised. I repeat, we are mobilised. Rendezvous thirteen hundred hours. Over and out.  
(He flags down a Sparrow Lane minibus.)  
WILF: Come on! Way hey, shake a leg! Yay hey. Right then, come on, let's get going.  
(The driver and the other passengers applaud as he gets on board.)  
WILF: Off we go. Everybody all right? Who's got the chocolates then?

**12. Minibus**

WILF: He's tall and thin, wears a brown suit, maybe a blue suit. He's got a long brown coat. Modern sort of hair, all sticky-uppy, right? The woman, kind of red small jacket. Short skirt. Oh, and on page two, be on the lookout for a police box exactly like the old ones.  
MINNIE: I got locked inside one of them. August Bank Holiday 1962.  
WINSTON: Were you misbehaving, Minnie?  
MINNIE: I certainly was. Way hey.  
WILF: Yeah, all right, all right. Now listen, this is important. We have got to find it, right? So phone around. Phone everybody. Sally, will you get onto the Bridge club? Right. Winston, you try the old boys. Bobby, want you to ring the skiffle band, right? Between us, we've got the city covered.  
MINNIE: The Silver Cloak.  
WILF: Yeah.  
WINSTON: Who is he, then, this Nikko and Bella?  
WILF: No, I can't tell you that. I swear. Yeah, but answer me this. Have you been having bad dreams? All of you? Dreams you can't remember? Yeah. Well, that's why we need him. We need them more than ever.

**13. Derelict site**

(A piece of wood is burning in an old oil can. There is a pile of bricks in the foreground and a Steven's Point charity burger van is sitting just outside an abandoned warehouse.)  
SARAH: Onions with that?  
TOMMO: Oh yeah, go on, pile them on. What about you, Ginger? Onions?  
(Ginger shrugs. He's a black lad.)  
TOMMO: He don't say much. Give him onions. He's down from Huddersfield.  
(A figure in a hoodie walks towards the van.)  
SARAH: Well, you look after him. And don't forget tomorrow night. The Christmas broadcast. President Obama.  
TOMMO: Oh?  
SARAH: He's promised to end the recession. Bad times will soon be over, Ginger.  
TOMMO: Well, season's greetings to you.  
SARAH: And you. Happy Christmas.  
(Tommo and Ginger walk away.)  
SARAH: Now, what can we get you, sir?  
MASTER: Everything. I am so hungry. Bwahahahahahaha!  
(Tommo and Ginger are by the brazier, eating their food.)  
TOMMO: They're saying that the Presidents got this grand plan. He's going to save the world with some big financial scheme. Whatever it is, I bet it won't reach you and me.  
(The Master suddenly drops down from the sky and sits behind them.)  
TOMMO: Oh! Somebody's lively on his feet.  
MASTER: Starving.  
(The Master devours the burger far too rapidly for a human.)  
TOMMO: Now, you see? That's what you don't want to do. Eat it all at once. Tempting, I know. But if you make it last, it can last all day.  
MASTER: Want more. Want cheese and chips, and meat and gravy, and cream and beer, and pork and beef and fat. Great big chunks of hot, wet red.  
TOMMO: Good for you, mate. Maybe we'd better be going.  
GINGER: You look like that bloke. Harold Saxon? The one that went mad.  
MASTER: Now isn't that funny. Isn't that just the best thing of all. The master of disguise, stuck looking like the old Prime Minister. I can't hide anywhere. He can see me. He can smell me. Can't let him smell me. Doctor, Doctor, shocked her, stopped her, got to stop the smell. The stink. The filthy, filthy stink.  
TOMMO: Ginger, come with me. Right now.  
MASTER: Because it's funny. Don't you see? Look at me. I'm splitting my sides.  
(The Master's skeleton suddenly appears and disappears several times.)  
MASTER: I am hilarious. I am the funniest thing in the whole wide world.  
(Tommo and Ginger run for the burger van.)  
TOMMO: Sarah! God help us! There's this man!  
(Sarah and her assistant in the van are just skeletons in clothes.)  
MASTER: Dinnertime!  
(The Master leaps up into the sky then swoops down on the two men. They scream, briefly.  
A little later, Bella stands on a small cliff and sniffs deeply. The Master does the same, then picks up an iron bar and starts hitting an oil drum in a rhythm of four beats and a rest. Bella hears it and runs through piles of girders on the dockside until he sees the Master up against the skyline. The Master does his Incredible Hulk impression then leaps into the air. Bella gives chase. The Master waits for her on a pile of girders, and his skeleton briefly flashes.)  
BELLA: Please, let me help. You're burning up your own life force.  
(They run again, then Wilf appears in Bella's way, with the rest of the Silver Cloak close behind.)  
WILF: Oh, my gosh, Bella. You're a sight for sore eyes.  
BELLA: Out of my way!  
(But the Master is nowhere to be seen.)  
WINSTON: Did we do it? Is that her?  
OLIVER: Tall and thin, small red jacket.  
MINNIE: The Silver Cloak. It worked. Because Wilf phoned Netty, who phoned June, and her sister lives opposite Broadfell, and she saw the police box, and her neighbour saw this man heading east.  
BELLA: Wilfred?  
WILF: Yeah?  
BELLA: (sotto) Have you told them who I am? You promised me.  
WILF: No, I just said you were a friend, that's all. And might I say, miss, it is an honour to see you again.  
(Wilf salutes.)  
MINNIE: Oh, but you never said he was a looker. He's gorgeous. Take a photo.  
OLIVER: Not bad, eh? Me next.  
MINNIE: I'm Minnie. Minnie the Menace. It's a long time since I had a photo with a handsome man.  
WILF: Just get off her. Leave her alone, will you?  
MINNIE: Hush, you old misery. Come on, Bella. Give us a smile. That's it.  
OLIVER: Hold on. Did it flash?  
MINNIE: No, there's a blue light. Try again.  
OLIVER: I'm all fingers and thumbs.  
BELLA: I'm really kind of busy, you know.  
MINNIE: Oh, it won't take a tick. Keep smiling.  
BELLA: Is that your hand, Minnie?  
MINNIE: Good boy.

**14. Street**

(The minibus drops Bella and Wilf off.)  
WILF: Come on, then. Here we are, hurry up. Bye. You behave, bye.  
(The minibus drives off with the rest of the Silver Cloak.)  
WILF: Over here, come on.  
BELLA: What's so special about this place? We passed fifteen cafes on the way.  
WILF: Yeah. Afternoon.

**15. Cafe**

WILF: Oh, we had some good times, didn't we though? I mean, all those ATMOS things, and planets in the sky, and me with that paint gun. I keep seeing things, Bella. This face at night.  
BELLA: Who are you?  
WILF: I'm Wilfred Mott.  
BELLA: No. People have waited hundreds of years to find me and then you manage it in a few hours.  
WILF: Well, I'm just lucky I suppose.  
BELLA: No, we keep on meeting, Wilf. Over and over again like something's still connecting us.  
WILF: What's so important about me?  
BELLA: Exactly. Why you?  
WILF: Well, so am I, one day.  
BELLA: Don't you dare.  
WILF: All right, I'll try not to.  
BELLA: But Nikko was told. He will knock four times for a companion. That was the prophecy. Knock four times, and then  
WILF: Yeah, but I thought, when I saw you before, you said your people could change, like, your whole body.  
BELLA: I can still die. If I'm killed before regeneration, then I'm dead. Even then, even if I change, it feels like dying. Everything I am dies. Some new woman goes sauntering away, and I'm dead. What?  
(Wilf has spotted Macy outside in the street getting out of her car.)  
WILF: I'm sorry, but I had to. Look, can't you make her better?  
BELLA: Stop it.  
WILF: No, but you're so clever. Can't you bring her memory back? Look, just go to her now. Go on, just run across the street. Go up and say hello.  
BELLA: If she ever remembers me, her mind will burn, and she will die.  
(They hear Macy speak to the traffic warden.)  
MACY: Don't you touch this car.  
BELLA: She's not changed.  
WILF: Nah. Oh, there he is.  
(A Mickey Smith lookalike meets Macy.)  
WILF: Shaun Temple. They're engaged. Getting married in the spring.  
BELLA: Another wedding.  
WILF: Yeah.  
BELLA: Hold on, she's not going to be called Noble-Temple? That sounds like a tourist spot.  
WILF: No, it's Temple-Noble.  
BELLA: Right. Is she happy? Is he nice?  
WILF: Yeah, he's sweet enough. He's a bit of a dreamer. Mind you, he's on minimum wage, she's earning tuppence, so all they can afford is a tiny little flat. And then sometimes I see this look on her face, like she's so sad, but she can't remember why.  
BELLA: She's got him.  
WILF: She's making do.  
BELLA: Aren't we all?  
WILF: Yeah, how about you? Who have you got now?  
BELLA: No one. Travelling alone. I thought it was better. But I did some things. It went wrong. I need  
(Bella starts crying.)  
WILF: Oh, my word. I'm sorry.  
BELLA: Merry Christmas.  
WILF: Yeah, and you.  
BELLA: Look at us.  
WILF: But don't you see? You know, you need her, Bella. I mean, look. Wouldn't she make you laugh again? Good old Macy?  
(Macy and Shaun drive away.)  
WILF: Eh?

NARRATOR: And so it came to pass that the players took their final places, making ready the events that were to come. The madman sat in his empire of dust and ashes, little knowing of the glory he would achieve. While his saviour looked upon the wilderness, in the hope of changing his inevitable fate. Far away, the idiots and fools dreamt of a shining new future. A future now doomed to never happen. As Earth rolled onwards into night, the people of that world did sleep, and shiver, somehow knowing that dawn would bring only one thing. The final day.

**16. Abandoned warehouse**

(Night. Bella walks towards the Master, who fires bolts of energy at him from his hands. He misses, and sets fires burning behind Bella. The third try hits Bella squarely in the chest, stopping her moving forward. Finally the energy stops and Bella falls to her knees. The Master catches her, then lets her fall to the ground.)  
MASTER: I had estates. Do you remember my father's land back home? Pastures of red grass, stretching far across the slopes of Mount Perdition. We used to run across those fields all day, calling up at the sky. Look at us now.  
BELLA: All that eloquence. But how many people have you killed?  
MASTER: I am so hungry.  
BELLA: Your resurrection went wrong. That energy. Your body's ripped open. Now you're killing yourself.  
MASTER: That human Christmas out there. They eat so much. All that roasting meat, cakes and red wine. Hot, fat, blood, food. Pots, plates of meat, and flesh, and grease, and juice, and baking, burnt, sticky hot skin. Hot. It's so hot.  
BELLA: Stop it.  
MASTER: Sliced. Sliced. Sliced.  
BELLA: Stop it.  
MASTER: It's mine. It's mine. It's mine to eat and eat and eat.  
BELLA: Stop it. What if I ask you for help? There's more at work tonight than you and me.  
MASTER: Oh yeah?  
BELLA: I've been told something is returning.  
MASTER: And here I am.  
BELLA: No, something more.  
MASTER: But it hurts.  
BELLA: I was told the end of time.  
MASTER: It hurts. The noise. The noise in my head. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Stronger than ever before. Can't you hear it?  
BELLA: I'm sorry.  
MASTER: Listen, listen, listen, listen. Every minute, every second, every beat of my hearts, there it is, calling to me. Please listen.  
(We can hear the four beats of the start of the Doctor Who theme being played out by an iron bar on an oil drum somewhere.)  
BELLA: I can't hear it.  
MASTER: Listen.  
(The Master mind-melds with Bella. Bella hears the beats and pulls away.)  
MASTER: What?  
BELLA: But  
MASTER: What!  
BELLA: I heard it. But there's no noise. There never has been. It's just your insanity. What is it? What's inside your head?  
MASTER: It's real. It's real. It's real!  
(The Master flies off and Bella runs after him.)

**17. Derelict site**

MASTER: All these years, you thought I was mad. King of the wasteland. But something is calling me. What is it? What is it? What is it?  
(A bright light shines down on the Master, then a second one illuminates Bella. A pair of SAS types come down on ropes, grab the Master and inject him with something to knock him out.)  
BELLA: Don't!  
(Others fire their guns at Bella to make her stay back, and the Master is hoisted up into the helicopter. Bella runs.)  
BELLA: Let him go!  
(Bella is shot in the back.)

**18. Nobles' home**

(Noddy Holder is screaming out his most famous song while Wilf opens a present. It is a book - Fighting the Future, by Joshua Naismith.)  
MACY: Now then, steady on. It's never too early for margaritas, that's what I say. I forgot to get lemons so I used oranges instead. It's all fruit, same difference.  
(Sylvia has opened her present, an item of clothing.)  
SYLVIA: Oh, now that's lovely. Look at that. Absolutely beautiful. Love from Macy. Did you keep the receipt?  
MACY: Yes, I did. Come on, Gramps. You've been a right misery ever since you got up. Do you like it then, the book?  
WILF: Joshua Naismith? I mean, what'd you get me this for?  
MACY: I don't know. I just saw it in the shop and thought of you. It just felt like the sort of thing you should have.  
SYLVIA: Oh, now look at that. That's from Charlie Morton. Isn't that rude?  
(They laugh at a Christmas card.)

**19. Gate room**

NAISMITH: If you would, Mister Danes.  
(Danes the butler removes the gag from the Master. He is otherwise securely fastened to a large chair-like structure.)  
MASTER: I'm starving.  
NAISMITH: You've my daughter to thank for this. It's all her idea. She heard rumours of Harold Saxon, his disciples, his return. It's the sort of thing she finds rather thrilling.  
ABIGAIL: And I was right. He's back. The very man we need, and he's here. Oh, this is going to be wonderful.

**20. Nobles' home**

SHAUN: Aye, aye. Here are the presents. I'm sorry, I couldn't afford much, but not for long, if President Obama ends the recession tonight. Come here.  
(Shaun hugs Macy.)  
WILF: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Keep it quiet, you lot, It's the Queen's Speech. Now come on, sit down. Show respect. Come on.  
SHAUN: Merry Christmas, Mister Mott.  
(Shaun kisses Wilf.)  
WILF: Thank you. Will you behave! You, honestly. All right now. Whoa, she's on, she's on. It's our sovereign.  
(Wilf salutes the television, the broadcast slows down then the woman in white briefly appears.)  
WILF: Eh?  
WOMAN [on TV]: Events are moving, Wilfred.  
WILF: Eh?  
WOMAN [on TV]: Faster than we thought.  
WILF: Oi, can you see that?  
MACY: Frankly, I'd tell Her Majesty it's time for trouser suits.  
WILF: No, no, no, no. That's not the  
WOMAN [on TV]: Only you can see. Only you stand at the heart of coincidence.  
WILF: Why, what have I done?  
WOMAN [on TV]: You're an old soldier, sir. Only you were too late. The war was won and passed you by.  
WILF: I did my duty.  
WOMAN [on TV]: You never killed a man.  
WILF: No, I didn't. No, I did not, no, but, don't say that like it's shameful.  
WOMAN [on TV]: The time will come when you must take arms.  
WILF: Who are you?  
WOMAN [on TV]: Tell the Time Lord nothing of this. His life could still be saved, so long as you tell him nothing.  
(Wilf goes to his bedroom and pulls an old suitcase out from under his bed. In a box, wrapped in a piece of cloth, is his old service revolver. Something is thrown against his window. Wilf looks out to see Bella returning to her Tardis.)

**21. Outside the Nobles' home**

BELLA: I lost him. I was unconscious. He's still on Earth, I can smell him, but he's too far away.  
WILF: Listen, you can't park there. What if Macy sees it?  
BELLA: You're the only one, Wilf. The only connection I can think of. You're involved, if I could work out how. Tell me, have you seen anything? I don't know. Anything strange, anything odd?  
WILF: Well, there was a  
BELLA: What? What is it? Tell me.  
WILF: Well, it was. No, it's nothing.  
BELLA: Think-a think-a think. Maybe something out of the blue. Something connected to your life. Something.  
WILF: Well, Donna was a bit strange. She had a funny little moment, this morning, all because of that book.  
BELLA: What book?  
WILF: His name's Joshua Naismith.  
(Wilf shows the book to the Bella.)  
BELLA: That's the man. I was shown him by the Ood.  
WILF: By the what?  
BELLA: By the Ood.  
WILF: What's the Ood?  
BELLA: They're just the Ood. But it's all part of the convergence. Maybe? It may be touching Macy's subconscious.  
SYLVIA: Dad, what are you up to? You. But. Get out of here.  
BELLA: Merry Christmas.  
SYLVIA: Merry Christmas. But she can't see you. What if she remembers?  
MACY [OC]: Mum, where are those tweezers?  
SYLVIA: Go.  
BELLA: I'm going.  
WILF: Yeah, me too.  
SYLVIA: Oh no, you don't.  
MACY: (at the back of the house) Mum? Gramps?  
SYLVIA: Dad, I'm warning you.  
WILF: Bye, see you later.  
MACY: (at the back of the house) Bit old for hide and seek.  
SYLVIA: Stay right where you are.  
BELLA: You can't come with me.  
WILF: You're not leaving me with her.  
SYLVIA: Dad!  
BELLA: Fair enough.  
MACY [OC]: Mum?  
SYLVIA: Just you listen to me. I forbid it. Get out of there!  
(The Tardis dematerialises.)  
SYLVIA: Bella, bring my father back right now! Come back here! Come back here, I said! Come back!  
MACY: Are you shouting at thin air?  
SYLVIA: Yes. Possibly, yes.

**22. Tardis**

BELLA: Naismith. If I can track him down. Ah. Right. Yes. Bigger on the inside. Do you like it?  
WILF: I thought it'd be cleaner.  
NIKKO: Cleaner? I could take you back home right now.  
WILF: Listen, Bella, if this is a time machine, that man you're chasing, why can't you just pop back to yesterday and catch him?  
BELLA: I cant go back inside my own timeline. I have to stay relative to the Master within the causal nexus. Understand?  
WILF: Not a word.  
MATTHEW: Welcome aboard.  
WILF: Thank you.

**23. Gate room**

(Joshua and Abigail Naismith enter, followed by the Master in a strait-jacket.)  
NAISMITH: Demonstrate.  
(Electricity surges across the Gate.)  
MASTER: Oh, that's not from Earth.  
NAISMITH: And neither are you. A perfect combination, don't you think?  
ROSSITER: Er, excuse me, sir. If I could check the basement? We're getting fluctuation on the power cords.  
NAISMITH: Of course.  
ROSSITER: Miss Addams, if you could bring the calibration statistics.  
(The two scientists leave.)

**24. Basement**

ROSSITER: Who the hell is he? What if he finds out? An expert, they said. Well, what sort of expert? Who is he?  
ADDAMS: I don't know. According to the records, Harold Saxon was Prime Minister of this stupid country. I am choking in this thing. I'm sorry.  
(Miss Addams presses her wristwatch and she transforms into a green skinned biped with spikes instead of hair.)  
ADDAMS: Oh, by the saint's, that's better. Oh, these people are so flat.  
(Rossiter transforms himself, too.)  
ROSSITER: But what do we do? We were so close. We almost had it working.  
ADDAMS: What if this visitor is some sort of genius? Well, think about it. We're hijacking this project. Maybe we can use him too? Harold Saxon, or whatever he is, might be exactly what we need.

**25. Gate room**

NAISMITH: The Gate was found inside a spaceship buried at the foot of Mount Snowdon. It was moved to an institute known as Torchwood, but when Torchwood fell, let's just say I acquired it.  
MASTER: I like you.  
NAISMITH: Thank you.  
MASTER: You'd taste great.  
NAISMITH: Mister Danes?  
DANES: The visitor will be given food.  
(The footmen bring in a covered dish. It is an entire large roast chicken. The Master rips it to pieces and devours it without ceremony in triple quick time.)  
NAISMITH: Anyway, the device came equipped with it's own power supply. A Nuclear Bolt. One technician remains in charge of the feedback twenty four hours a day, and the power feeds through to the Gate, where it encourages some sort of cellular regeneration. Miss Collins was our test subject. She carried some burns as a result of an accident when she was a child, down her left side. If you could?  
(Miss Collins steps forward and shows her left arm.)  
NAISMITH: The Gate mended her. Thank you.  
MASTER: But what do you want it for?  
We calculate that if this device can be fully repaired by your good self, it can restore the body forever. Hence it's given title. The Immortality Gate. Because that's what I want. Not for me, but for my daughter. I want her never to die. My gift to her. She will be immortal.  
ABIGAIL: Abigail. It means bringer of joy.  
(Rubbish, it means Father's joy.  
The Tardis materialises in the stable block. The Master smells it.)  
MASTER: Better get to work.  
(He uses the computer keyboard.)

**26. Stables**

WILF: We've moved. We've really moved!  
BELLA: You should stay here.  
WILF: Not bloody likely.  
MATTHEW: And don't swear. Hold on.  
(Bella points the key at the Tardis, which disappears.)  
BELLA: Just a second out of sync. Don't want the Master finding the Tardis. That's the last thing we need. Oi and Matthew! Stay put.

**27. Mansion grounds**

(Wilf and Bella hide from a patrol.)  
WILF: That book said he's a billionaire. He's got his own private army.  
BELLA: Down here.  
(Bella opens a small door in an archway.)

**28. Gate room**

(Rossiter is back in human form.)  
ROSSITER: Miss Addams, we're getting encouraging results from the ratio-foldback. Can you confirm?

**29. Basement**

ADDAMS: (also human) The man's a miracle. All the systems are slotting back into place.

**30. Gate room**

ADDAMS [OC]: The shatterthreads have harmonised, the fibre links intensified

**31. Basement**

ADDAMS: And the multiple overshots have triplicated.  
BELLA: Nice Gate.  
WILF: Hello. Sorry.  
BELLA: Don't try calling security, or I'll tell them you're wearing a Shimmer. Because I reckon anyone wearing a Shimmer doesn't want the Shimmer to be noticed, or they wouldn't need a Shimmer in the first place.  
ADDAMS: I'm sorry? What's a Shimmer?  
(Bella points Nikko's sonic screwdriver at her.)  
BELLA: Shimmer.  
(Addams turns green.)  
WILF: Oh, my Lord. She's a cactus.  
ROSSITER [OC]: Miss Addams?

**32. Gate room**

ROSSITER: Miss Addams? If you'll just excuse me.  
(Rossiter leaves.)  
NAISMITH: Now, please don't imagine I'm a slave-driver. We can resume work on Boxing Day, Mister Saxon.  
MASTER: My name is the Master.  
(The Master has completed his work. He presses enter and the lights dim. A wormhole develops inside the Gate.)  
NAISMITH: Oh, excellent. Excellent! Mister Danes?  
DANES: The visitor will be restrained.  
MASTER: What? But I repaired it.  
NAISMITH: I'm not an idiot. Don't let him anywhere near that thing.

**33. Basement**

BELLA: He's got it working, but what is it? What's working?  
ROSSITER: What are you doing here?  
(Without turning around, Bella points the screwdriver at Rossiter.)  
BELLA: Shimmer!  
(Rossiter turns green.)  
BELLA: Now, tell me quickly, what's going on? The Master, Harold Saxon, Skeletor, whatever you're calling him, what's he doing up there?

**34. Gate room**

(Danes locks the Master back into his strait jacket.)  
NAISMITH: Your reputation precedes you, sir. I have no doubt you've laid traps. Perhaps explosives. A means of escape, or murder. But everything you've done to the Gate will be checked and double-checked before anyone stands inside.

**35. Basement**

ROSSITER: But I checked the readings. He's done good work. It's operational.  
BELLA: Who are you, though? I met someone like you. He was brilliant, but he was little and red.  
ADDAMS: No, that's a Zocci.  
ROSSITER: We're not Zocci, we're Vinvocci. Completely different.  
ADDAMS: And the Gate is Vinvocci. We're a salvage team. We picked up the signal when the humans reactivated it. And as soon as it's working, we can transport it to the ship.  
BELLA: But what does it do?  
ROSSITER: Well, it mends. It's a simple as that. It's a medical device to repair the body. It makes people better.  
BELLA: No, there's got to be more. Every single warning says the Master's going to do something colossal.  
WILF: So that thing's like a sickbed, yes?  
ADDAMS: More or less.  
WILF: Well, pardon me for asking, but why is it so big?  
BELLA: Oh, good question. Why's it so big?  
ADDAMS: It doesn't just mend one person at a time.  
ROSSITER: That would be ridiculous.  
ADDAMS: It mends whole planets.  
BELLA: It does what?  
ADDAMS: It transmits the medical template across the entire population.  
(Bella runs through the corridors.)

**36. Gate room**

NAISMITH: But it's time for the broadcast. The President's grand initiative. You might want to see this, sir. Proof that the human race can mend it's own problems.  
AMN News [on TV]: And now, anticipation is rising as we go live to Washington. Here, on Christmas Day, the President has promised an instant and radical solution to the worldwide depression. Barack Obama will lead us all into a new age of prosperity.

**37. White House press room**

SPOKESWOMAN [OC]: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.  
OBAMA: Id like to speak briefly about the state of our economy

**38. Gate room**

BELLA: Turn the Gate off right now!  
DANES: At arms!  
BELLA: No, no, no, no, no. Whatever you do, just don't let him near that device.  
MASTER: Oh, like that was ever going to happen.  
(The Master throws off the strait jacket and leaps over their heads on pillars of energy from his hands, into the Gate.)  
MASTER: Homeless, was I? Destitute and dying? Well, look at me now.  
BELLA: Deactivate it. All of you, turn the whole thing off!  
MASTER: Bwahahahahahaha!  
NAISMITH: He's inside my head.  
BELLA: Get out of there!  
(The Master's blast of energy knocks Bella down.)  
WILF: Bella! Bella, there's, there's this face.  
BELLA: What is it? What can you see?  
WILF: Well, it's him. I can see him.  
AMN News [on TV]: There's something wrong. It seems to be affecting the President.  
(The President of the United States has his face in his hands. Bella goes to the computer and tries to shut down the Gate.)  
BELLA: I can't turn it off.  
MASTER: That's because I locked it, idiot.  
BELLA: Wilfred! Get inside. Get him out.  
(Bella enters one of a pair of glass sided cubicles, and Wilfred swaps places with a technician in the other.)  
BELLA: Just need to filter the levels.  
WILF: Oh, I can see again! He's gone.  
BELLA: Radiation shielding. Now press the button. Let me out.  
WILF: You what?  
BELLA: I can't get out until you press the button. That button there.  
(Wilf does. Wilf's cubicle is now Locked and Bella's Open.)  
MASTER: Fifty seconds and counting.  
BELLA: To what?  
MASTER: Oh, you're going to love this.

**39. Basement**

ROSSITER: He was hiding the codes. He's extrapolated the Gate's power a million times over.  
ADDAMS: But it's not affecting us.  
ROSSITER: He's set the template for human!

**40. Gate room**

(Wilf's phone rings. He pulls the revolver out of his pocket instead.)  
WILF: Hello? Oh, Gawd. Macy?  
MACY [OC]: Where are you?

**41. Nobles' home**

MACY: It's Mum and Shaun. Something's wrong with them.  
SYLVIA: There's this face.  
WILF [OC]: But wait a minute. I mean, what about you?

**42. Gate room**

WILF: Can't you see anything?

**43. Nobles' home**

MACY: I can see them.

**44. Gate room**

MACY [OC]: That's bad enough.  
(Wilf's phone beeps for a call waiting.)  
WILF: Not now, Winston.  
WINSTON [OC]: Wilfred.

**45. Outside flats**

WINSTON: Those dreams. I can remember that face.  
YOUNG MAN: There's a face in my head.  
WINSTON: Wilfred, it's everyone!

**46. Gate room**

BELLA: What is it, hypnotism? Mind control. You're grafting your thoughts inside them, is that it?  
MASTER: Oh, that's way too easy. No, no, no. They're not going to think like me, they're going to become me. And, zero!  
(A blast of energy moves out from the Master and the Gate, and spreads across the entire planet. Everyone's face becomes blurred except for Macy and Wilf, and Bella with Matthew of course.)  
BELLA: You can't have.  
WILF: What is it?

**47. Nobles' home**

MACY: But they've changed.  
(Sylvia and Shaun are now both the Master.)  
MACY: Granddad, that's like, like the sort of thing that happened before.  
(Macy remembers enemies from her adventures.)  
MACY: My head. Oh, my head! Oh, my head!

**48. Gate room**

WILF: Bella? She's starting to remember.  
(Everyone's face resolves into the Master's.)  
WILF: What is it? What have you done, you monster?  
MASTER: Oh, I'm sorry, are you talking to me?  
NAISMITH-MASTER: Or to me?  
ABIGAIL-MASTER: Or to me?  
DANES-MASTER: Or to me?  
SECURITY-MASTER: Or to us?  
AMN NEWS-MASTER [on TV]: Breaking news. I'm everyone. And everyone in the world is me!

**49. White House press room**

OBAMA-MASTER: I'm President. President of the United States. Look at me!  
(The audience of Master's applauds him.)  
OBAMA-MASTER: Ooo, financial solution. Deleted. Ha ha!

**50. Gate room**

MASTER: The human race was always your favourite, Bella. But now, there is no human race. There is only the Master race. Bwahahahahahaha!  
NARRATOR [OC]: And so it came to pass, on Christmas Day, that the human race did cease to exist. But even then, the Master had no concept of his greater role in events. For this was far more than humanity's end.

**51. Citadel**

NARRATOR: This day was the day upon which the whole of creation would change forever. This was the day the Time Lords returned. For Gallifrey.  
TIME LORDS: For Gallifrey!  
NARRATOR: For victory!  
TIME LORDS: For victory!  
NARRATOR: For the end of time itself!  
TIME LORDS: For the end of time itself!

TO BE CONTINUED

**PART TWO**

A/N – The scene count continues from Part 1 since it is the same story.

**52. Black void**

(Gallifrey is in ruins. Only the Citadel stands inside its protective dome. The man we saw as the Narrator in part one strides across a bridge followed by two acolytes and takes his seat at the head of a table. Six time lords sit, three on each side, whilst a woman is at the far end, scribbling on parchments. The rest of the space is in darkness.)  
RASSILON: What news of the Doctor?  
CHANCELLOR: Disappeared, my Lord President.  
PARTISAN: (a woman) But we know his intention. He still possesses the Moment, and he'll use it to destroy Daleks and Time Lords alike.  
CHANCELLOR: The Visionary confirms it.  
(The Visionary is the woman at the end of the table. She has henna tattoos on her face and hands.)  
VISIONARY: Ending, burning, falling. All of it falling. The black and pitch and screaming fire, so burning.  
CHANCELLOR: All of her prophecies say the same. That this is the last day of the Time War. That Gallifrey falls. That we die, today.  
VISIONARY: Ending. Ending. Ending. Ending!  
PARTISAN: Perhaps it's time. This is only the furthest edge of the Time War. But at its heart, millions die every second, lost in bloodlust and insanity. With time itself resurrecting them, to find new ways of dying over and over again. A travesty of life. Isn't it better to end it, at last?  
RASSILON: Thank you for your opinion.  
(The Lord President stands and aims his blue metal gauntlet at the Partisan. Energy strikes her, she screams and is atomised.)  
RASSILON: I will not die! Do you hear me? A billion years of Time Lord history riding on our backs. I will not let this perish. I will not!  
CHANCELLOR: There is, er, there is one part of the prophecy, my Lord.  
(The Chancellor brings a paper to the Lord President.)  
CHANCELLOR: Forgive me, I'm sorry. It's rather difficult to decipher, but it talks of two survivors beyond the Final Day. Four children of Gallifrey.  
RASSILON: Does it name them?  
CHANCELLOR: It foresees them locked in their final confrontation, The Enmity of Ages, which would suggest  
RASSILON: The Three Time Lord Rebels! And the Master.  
CHANCELLOR: One word keeps being repeated, my Lord. One constant word. Earth.  
VISIONARY: Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth. Earth.  
CHANCELLOR: Planet Earth. Indigenous species, the human race.  
(A projection of the planet appears above the table.)  
VISIONARY: Earth. Earth. Earth.  
RASSILON: Maybe that's where the answer lies. Our salvation. On Earth.

**53. Naismith's study**

(Bella has been bound and gagged, strapped upright to a trolley. Wilf is tied to a chair nearby.)  
MASTER: Now then, I've got a planet to run. Is everybody ready?  
NAISMITH-MASTER [on screen]: Six billion, seven hundred and twenty seven million, nine hundred and

**54. Gate room**

NAISMITH-MASTER: 6,493,780 versions of us.

**55. Naismith's study**

NAISMITH-MASTER [on screen]: Awaiting orders.  
OBAMA-MASTER [on screen]: This is Washington. As President of the United States, I can transfer all the United Nations protocols to you immediately, putting you in charge of all the Earth's defences.  
GENERAL-MASTER [on screen]: UNIT HQ, Geneva reporting. All under your command, sir.  
CHINESE-MASTER [on screen]: And this is the Central Military Commission here in Beijing, sir, with over two point five million soldiers, sir. Present arms!  
MASTER: Enough soldiers and weapons to turn this planet into a warship. Nothing to say, Bella? What's that? Pardon? Sorry?  
WILF: You let him go, you swine.  
MASTER: Oh, your dad's still kicking up a fuss.  
WILF: Yeah? Well, I'd be proud if I was.  
MASTER: Hush, now. Listen to your Master.  
(Ring, ring.)  
MASTER: But that's a mobile.  
WILF: Yeah, it's mine. Let me turn it off.  
MASTER: No, no, no, no, no. I don't think you understand. Everybody on this planet is me. And I'm not phoning you, so who the hell is that?  
WILF: It's nobody. I tell you, it's nothing. It's probably one of them ring-back calls.  
(The Master searches Wilf's pockets and finds the revolver.)  
MASTER: Ooo, and look at this. Good man!  
(He tosses it on the floor and gets the phone.)  
MASTER: Macy. Who's Macy?  
WILF: She's no one. Just leave it.  
MACY [OC]: Gramps, don't hang up. You've got to help me.

**56. Alleyway**

MACY: I ran out, but everyone was changing.

**57. Naismith's study**

MASTER: Who is she? Why didn't she change?  
MACY [OC]: Gramps, I can't hear you.  
WILF: Well, it was this thing Bella did. She did it to her. The Metacrisis.  
MASTER: Oh, he loves playing with Earth girls. Ugh!  
MACY [OC]: Are you there?

**58. Gate room**

MASTER [on screen]: Find her. Trace the call.  
NAISMITH-MASTER: Trace the call.  
(A scientist-Master obeys.)

**59. Naismith's study**

MACY [OC]: Are you still there? Can you hear me?  
MASTER: Say goodbye to the freak, Granddad.  
WILF: Donna, get out of there! Just get out of there. I'm telling you, run!

**60. Gate room**

NAISMITH-MASTER: She's on Wessex Lane, Chiswick. Open the phone lines. Everyone on Wessex Lane. Red alert.  
MACY [OC]: What do I do?  
WILF: Run, sweetheart, that's all. Run for your life!

**61. Alleyway**

(Two Master lookalikes block Donna in.)  
MACY: There's more of them.  
WILF [OC]: Macy? What's happening? Are you still there?  
MACY: They're everywhere.  
CHISWICK-MASTER: Oh, I'm starving.  
WILF [OC]: Look, I'm telling you to run, Macy.  
CHISWICK-MASTER 2: I'm still hungry.

**62. Naismith's study**

WILF: Just run, sweetheart.

**63. Alleyway**

WILF [OC]: Just run.  
(All the local Masters advance on Macy.)  
MACY: It's not just them. I can see those things again. Those creatures. Why can I see a giant wasp?

**64. Naismith's study**

WILF: Macy, don't think about that. Macy, my love

**65. Alleyway**

WILF [OC]: Don't!  
MACY: And it hurts. My head. It keeps getting hotter, and hotter, and hotter, and hotter, and hotter!  
(Golden energy surges from Macy, travelling along the alleyway and knocking down the Chiswick-Masters.)  
MACY: What did I  
(Macy collapses.)

**66. Naismith's study**

WILF: Donna? What was that? Macy? Macy, are you there?  
(Bella is smiling, and he winks. The Master goes over and removes his gag.)  
BELLA: That's better. Hello. But really, did you think I'd leave my best friend without a defence mechanism?  
WILF: Bella? What happened?  
BELLA: She's all right. She's fine, I promise. She'll just sleep.  
MASTER: Tell me, where's your Tardis?  
BELLA: You could be so wonderful.  
MASTER: Where is it?  
BELLA: You're a genius. You're stone cold brilliant, you are. I swear, you really are. But you could be so much more. You could be beautiful. With a mind like that, we could travel the stars. It would be my honour. Because you don't need to own the universe, just see it. To have the privilege of seeing the whole of time and space. That's ownership enough.  
MASTER: Would it stop, then? The noise in my head?  
BELLA: I can help.  
MASTER: I don't know what I'd be without that noise.  
BELLA: I wonder what I'd be, without you.  
MASTER: Yeah.  
WILF: What does he mean? What noise?  
MASTER: It began on Gallifrey, as a child. Not that you'd call it childhood. More a life of duty. Eight years old. I was taken for initiation, to stare into the Untempered Schism.  
WILF: What does that mean?  
BELLA: It's a gap in the fabric of reality. You can see into the Time Vortex itself. And it hurts.  
MASTER: They took me there in the dark. I looked into time, old man, and I heard it calling to me. Drums. The never ending drums.

**67. Black void**

RASSILON: The Untempered Schism. That's when it began.  
CHANCELLOR: History says the Master heard a rhythm. A torment that stayed with him for the rest of his life.  
RASSILON: A drumbeat. A warrior's march.  
CHANCELLOR: A symptom of insanity, my Lord.  
(The Visionary taps the rhythm for them with her long fingernail on the metal surface of the table.)  
RASSILON: A rhythm of four. The heartbeat of a Time Lord.

**68. Naismith's study**

MASTER: Listen to it. Listen.  
BELLA: Then let's find it. You and me.  
MASTER: Except. Oh. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yes. Oh, that's good.  
BELLA: What? What is?  
MASTER: The noise exists within my head, and now within six billion heads. Everyone on Earth can hear it. Imagine. Oh. Oh, yes.  
(The Master's skeleton becomes briefly visible again.)  
BELLA: The Gate wasn't enough. You're still dying.  
MASTER: This body was born out of death. All it can do is die. But what did you say to me, back in the wasteland? You said the end of time.  
BELLA: I said something is returning. I was shown a prophecy. That's why I need your help.  
MASTER: What if I'm part of it? Don't you see? The drumbeat is calling from so far away. From the end of time itself. And now it's been amplified six billion times. Triangulate all those signals. I could find its source. Oh, Bella. That's what your prophecy was. Me!  
(He slaps Bella.)  
MASTER: Where's the Tardis?  
BELLA: No. Just stop. Just think.  
MASTER: (to guard) Kill him.  
(A helmeted guard goes over to Wilf.)  
MASTER: I need that technology, Bella. Tell me where it is, or the old man is dead.  
WILF: Don't tell him.  
MASTER: I'll kill him right now!  
BELLA: Actually, the most impressive thing about you is that after all this time, you're still bone dead stupid.  
MASTER: Take aim.  
BELLA: You've got six billion pairs of eyes, but you still can't see the obvious, can you?  
MASTER: Like what?  
BELLA: That guard is one inch too tall.  
(The guard knocks out the Master with his rifle butt, and then removes his helmet to reveal a green spiky head.)  
ROSSITER: Oh my God, I hit him. I've never hit anyone in my life.  
(Green Addams runs in.)  
ADDAMS: Well, come on. We need to get out of here fast.  
(She frees Wilf while Rossiter releases Bella.)  
WILF: God bless the cactuses!  
BELLA: That's cacti.  
ROSSITER: That's racist!

**69. Gate room**

NAISMITH-MASTER: This prophecy of yours, Bella, where did it come from? Bella?

**70. Naismith's study**

ADDAMS: Come on! We've got to get out.  
ROSSITER: There's too many buckles and straps.  
ADDAMS: Just wheel him.  
BELLA: No, no, no. Get me out. No, no, no, don't. Don't! No, no, no.

**71. Gate room**

(Bella is wheeled across in front of the camera feed to the screen.)  
NAISMITH-MASTER: What's going on? Bella!

**72. Corridor**

ROSSITER: Which way?  
ADDAMS: This way.  
BELLA: No, no, no, no, no. The other way. I've got my Tardis.  
ADDAMS: I know what I'm doing.  
BELLA: No, no, no, just just listen to me!

**73. Naismith's study**

(The Master comes to as three guards run in.)  
MASTER: Find her. Find her!

**74. Stables **

(Matthew runs towards the sound of Bella)

**75. Corridor**

BELLA: Not the stairs. Not the stairs!

**76. Basement corridor**

BELLA: Worst rescue ever!

**77. Gate room**

GUARD-MASTER [OC]: Underneath the Gate room, sir.  
NAISMITH-MASTER: Basement. Get her.  
GUARD-MASTERS: Yes, sir.

**78. Basement**

BELLA: Just, just stop and listen to me!  
(The Master runs in with armed guards and Matthew runs in.)  
MASTER: Gotcha.  
ADDAMS: You think so?  
(She presses her wristwatch.)  
BELLA: No, no, no, no, don't!  
(She, Rossiter, Wilf, Matthew and Bella vanish.)

**79. Teleport room**

BELLA: Now get me out of this thing!  
ADDAMS: Don't say thanks, will you.  
BELLA: He's not going to let us go. Just hurry up and get me out!  
(Wilf looks out of a nearby window.)  
WILF: Oh, my goodness me. We're in space!  
BELLA: Come on.  
ADDAMS: All right!  
BELLA: Oh, get a move on.  
(They are on a spaceship made from very large round modules.)

**80. Basement**

(The Master works at a keyboard.)  
NAISMITH-MASTER [OC]: Open the teleport and follow him!

**81. Teleport room**

BELLA: Come on!  
ADDAMS: All right.  
(They finally get Bella free. He zaps the teleport controls with his sonic screwdriver.)

**82. Gate room**

MASTER: He's still up there. Target practice.

**83. Teleport room**

BELLA: Where's your flight deck?  
ADDAMS: But we're safe. We're a hundred thousand miles above the Earth.  
BELLA: And he's got every single missile on the planet ready to fire.  
ADDAMS: Good point.  
(Addams, Rossiter and Matthew runs out. Bella returns to gently lead Wilf away from the window.)  
WILF: But we're in space!  
BELLA: Yep.

**84. Gate room**

MASTER: Turn everything you've got to the skies. Find me that ship. And prime the missiles.

**85. UNIT HQ Geneva**

GENERAL-MASTER: Open up the radar. Maximum scan.  
OPERATIVE-MASTERS: Yes, sir.

**86. Flight deck**

BELLA: We've got to close it down!  
ROSSITER: No chance, mate. We're going home.  
ADDAMS: We're just a salvage team. Local politics has got nothing to do with us. Not unless there's a carnival. Sooner we get back to Vinvocci space the better.  
BELLA: We're not leaving.  
(Bella sonically sabotages the flight controls. The whole spaceship goes dark.)

**87. UNIT HQ Geneva**

GENERAL-MASTER: Anything?

**88. Flight deck**

(Silent running.)  
BELLA: Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.

**89. UNIT HQ Geneva**

OPERATIVE-MASTER: I'm sorry, sir. Nothing.

**90. Gate room**

GENERAL-MASTER [on screen]: Lost him.  
MASTER: What about teleport coordinates?

**91. Basement**

MASTER [OC]: I need that information.  
GUARD-MASTER: He's cut the link, sir.

**92. Gate room**

GUARD-MASTER [OC]: No trace. All dead.

**93. Basement**

GUARD-MASTER: Still, open fire!  
(The guards shoot up the computers.)  
GUARD-MASTER: No way back now. He's stranded.

**94. Flight deck**

ADDAMS: No sign of any missiles. No sign of anything. You've wrecked the place!  
ROSSITER: The engines are burnt out. All we've got is auxiliary lights. Everything else is kaput. We can't move. We're stuck in orbit.  
ADDAMS: Thanks to you, you idiot!  
(Addams leaves.)  
WILF: I know you, though. I bet you've got a plan, haven't you? Eh? Come on. You've always got a trick up your sleeve. Nice little bit of the old Bella flim-flam, (Tommy Cooper impression) sort of thing? Eh? Oh, blimey.

**95. Gate room**

MASTER: Night has fallen. Are we ready?

**96. Naismith's study**

NAISMITH-MASTER: Every single one of us is prepared.

**97. Gate room**

MASTER: Then we listen. All of us, across the world, just listen.  
(The whole Master population of Earth holds their breath and listens.)  
MASTER: Concentrate. Find the signal. There! The sound is tangible. Someone could only have designed this. But who?

**98. Black void**

CHANCELLOR: The signal has been sent. A simple task of four beats transmitted back through time, and implanted in the Master's mind as a child.  
RASSILON: Then we have a link to where the Master is right now.  
CHANCELLOR: But we're still trapped inside the Timelock, sir. The link is nothing more than a thought, an idea.  
RASSILON: Then we need something to make the contact physical. Something so simple.  
VISIONARY: So small and shining. Shining bright and cold. The tiny, tiny star, falling, falling, burning, burning, burning.  
(The Lord President takes a diamond from his staff.)  
RASSILON: Small enough to follow the link. And if this were on Earth.  
(He throws the diamond at the image of the Earth. Bella is working on some wiring when he sees a bright object streaking towards the planet.)

**99. Naismith's study**

NAISMITH-MASTER: The sound. It's coming from above.

**100. Gate room**

MASTER: It's coming from the sky!

**101. Terrace**

MASTER: There! Find it. Get out there and find it!  
(The diamond falls to Earth with a big bang.)  
GUARDS: Yes, sir.

**102. Field**

(Two Land Rovers drive up to the burning crater. The diamond is intact, sitting at the bottom of the hole.)  
GUARD-MASTER: It's a diamond, sir. Oh. The most impossible diamond. You won't believe this.

**103. Gate room**

GUARD-MASTER [OC]: It's a Whitepoint star.

**104. Spaceship corridor**

WILF: Bella? Hello? Hello? Is that you? Bella? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, I think I'm lost.  
WOMAN: And yet you are found. Events are closing. The day is almost upon us. But tell me, old soldier. Did you take arms?  
WILF: I brought this. But what am I supposed to do?  
WOMAN: This is the Time Lord's final battle. At the end of his life, he must stand at arms, or lose himself and this entire world, to the End of Time.  
WILF: But he never carries guns. He doesn't do. Who are you?  
WOMAN: I was lost, so very long ago.

**105. Teleport room**

WILF: Aye, aye. Got this old tub mended?  
BELLA: Just trying to fix the heating.  
WILF: Oh. I've always dreamt of a view like that. Hee, hee. I'm an astronaut. It's dawn over England, look. Brand new day. My wife's buried down there. I might never visit her again now. Do you think he changed them, in their graves?  
BELLA: I'm sorry.  
WILF: No, not your fault.  
BELLA: Isn't it?  
WILF: Oh, 1948, I was over there. End of the Mandate in Palestine. Private Mott. Skinny little idiot, I was. Stood on this rooftop, in the middle of a skirmish. It was like a blizzard, all them bullets in the air. The world gone mad. Yeah, you don't want to listen to an old man's tales, do you?  
(Wilf offers his revolver to Bella.)  
BELLA: No.  
WILF: No, but if you take it, you could  
BELLA: No. You had that gun in the mansion. You could have shot the Master there and then.  
WILF: Too scared, I suppose.  
BELLA: I'd be proud.  
WILF: Of what?  
BELLA: If you were my dad.  
WILF: Oh, come on, don't start. But you said, you were told he will knock four times and then you die. Well, that's him, isn't it? The Master. That noise in his head? The Master is going to kill you.  
BELLA: Yeah.  
WILF: Then kill him first.  
BELLA: And that's how the Master started. It's not like I'm an innocent. I've taken lives. I got worse. I got clever. Manipulated people into taking their own. Sometimes I think a Time Lord lives too long. I can't. I just can't.  
WILF: If the Master dies, what happens to all the people?  
BELLA: I don't know.  
WILF: Bella, what happens?  
BELLA: The template snaps.  
WILF: What, they go back to being human? They're alive, and human. Then don't you dare, miss? Don't you dare put him before them? Now you take this. That's an order, Bella. Take the gun. You take the gun and save your life. And please don't die. You're the most wonderful woman and I don't want you to die.  
BELLA: Never.  
MASTER [OC]: A star fell from the sky.

**106. Gate room**

MASTER: Don't you want to know where from?

**107. Flight deck**

MASTER [OC]: Because now it makes sense, Bella.  
ADDAMS: It's an open broadcast. Don't reply, or he'll know where we are.  
MASTER [OC]: The whole of my life.

**108. Teleport room**

MASTER [OC]: My destiny. The star was a diamond.

**109. Gate room**

MASTER: And the diamond is a Whitepoint

**110. Teleport room**

MASTER [OC]: Star. And I have worked all night to sanctify that gift.

**111. Gate room**

(Scientist-Masters are working on a gizmo.)  
MASTER: Now the star is mine. I can increase the signal and use it as a lifeline. Do you get it now? Do you see? Keep watching, Bella. This should be spectacular.

**112. Teleport room**

MASTER [OC]: Over and out.  
WILF: What's he on about? What's he doing? Doctor, what does that mean?  
BELLA: A Whitepoint star is only found on one planet. Gallifrey. Which means it's the Time Lords. The Time Lords are returning.  
WILF: Well, I mean, that's good, isn't it? I mean, that's your people.  
(Bella takes Wilf's revolver and runs.)

**113. Gate room**

MASTER: Open up the Nuclear Bolt. Infuse the power lines to maximum.  
(Two scientists swap duties in the glass booths.)  
TECHNICIAN-MASTER: Nuclear bolt accelerating, sir.  
MASTER: Send the signal back and the link becomes a pathway.  
(The Master places the diamond in a bed of wires within the gizmo. It begins to transmit the four beats.)  
MASTER: Come home.

**114. Flight deck**

(Bella runs in. The signal can be heard here.)  
ADDAMS: What's that?  
ROSSITER: Coming from Earth. It's on every single wavelength.

**115. Black void**

RASSILON: Contact. At last.

**116. Gate room**

MASTER: We have contact.

**117. Citadel**

(The Lord President addresses the serried ranks of Time Lords.)  
RASSILON: Now the High Council of Time Lords must vote. Whether we die here, today, or return to the waking world and complete the Ultimate Sanction. For this is the hour when either Gallifrey falls, or Gallifrey rises!  
TIME LORDS: Gallifrey rises!  
RASSILON: Gallifrey rises!

**118. Flight deck**

(Bella is rushing around, working on bits and pieces.)  
WILF: But you said your people were dead. Past tense.  
BELLA: Inside the Time War. And the whole War was Timelocked. Like, sealed inside a bubble. It's not a bubble but just think of a bubble. Nothing can get in or get out of the Timelock. Don't you see? Nothing can get in or get out, except something that was already there.  
WILF: The signal. Since he was a kid.  
BELLA: If they can follow the signal, they can escape before they die.  
WILF: Well, then, big reunion. We'll have a party.  
BELLA: There will be no party.  
WILF: But I've heard you talk about your people like they're wonderful.  
BELLA: That's how I choose to remember them, the Time Lords of old. But then they went to war. An endless war, and it changed them right to the core. You've seen my enemies, Wilf. The Time Lords are more dangerous than any of them.  
ADDAMS: Time Lords, what lords? Anyone want to explain?  
MATTHEW: Right, yes, you. This is a salvage ship, yes? You go trawling the asteroid fields for junk?  
ADDAMS: Yeah, what about it?  
BELLA: So, you've got asteroid lasers!  
ROSSITER: Yeah, but they're all frazzled.  
(Bella throws a lever and two gun alcoves open on either side of the flight controls.)  
BELLA: Consider them unfrazzled. You there, what's your name? (Addams) I'm going to need you on navigation. (to Rossiter) And you, get in the laser-pod. Wilfred.  
WILF: Yeah?  
BELLA: Laser number two. The old soldier's got one more battle.  
ADDAMS: This ship can't move. It's dead!  
BELLA: Fix the heating?  
(Bella throws two levers forward, and the ship powers up.  
ADDAMS: But now they can see us.  
BELLA: Oh, yes!

**119. UNIT HQ Geneva**

GENERAL-MASTER: Sir, we've got a fix. Hundred and five thousand miles in orbit.

**120. Flight deck**

ADDAMS: This is my ship, and you're not moving it. Step away from the wheel.  
BELLA: There's an old Earth saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation to the soul in times of need.  
ADDAMS: What's that, then?  
BELLA: Allons-y!  
(Bella powers the spaceship down towards the Earth.)

**121. UNIT HQ Geneva**

OPERATIVE-MASTER: He's moving, sir.  
GENERAL-MASTER: Get a fix on him.  
OPERATIVE-MASTER: He's moving very fast.

**122. Flight deck**

(The spaceship dives through the atmosphere.)  
BELLA: Come on! Come on!  
ADDAMS: You are blinking, flipping mad.  
BELLA: You two. What did I say? Lasers.  
ROSSITER: What for?  
BELLA: Because of the missiles. We've got to fight off an entire planet.

**123. Gate room**

GENERAL-MASTER [on screen]: All NATO defences coordinated, sir, awaiting your command.  
MASTER: I don't need her. Any second now, I'll have Time Lords to spare. Take her out. Launch missiles!

**124. UNIT HQ Geneva**

GENERAL-MASTER: Launch missiles.  
OPERATIVE-MASTERS: Missiles launching in three, two one, zero.

**125. Laser pods**

(Wilf and Rossiter take their places in the transparent gunner's domes.)  
WILF: Hey! How does this thing work?  
ROSSITER: The tracking's automatic. Just deploy the trigger on the joystick.

**126. Flight deck**

ADDAMS: We've got incoming.  
ROSSITER: Look at this one! Oh, my God!  
BELLA: You two, open fire!  
(Bella skims the ocean, dodging the missiles.)  
ROSSITER: Oh, my word!  
WILF: Whoa. Whoa!  
ROSSITER: No, no, no, no, no!  
BELLA: Open fire! Come on, Wilf!  
(Wilf shoots down a missile.)  
WILF: Whoo! Oh, I wish Macy could see me now.

**127. UNIT HQ Geneva**

GENERAL-MASTER: Second wave. Launch missiles.  
OPERATIVE-MASTER: Yes, sir.

**128. Flight deck**

ADDAMS: And there's more. Sixteen of them. Oh, and another sixteen.  
BELLA: Then get on the rear gun lasers! You two, open fire! Now!  
ROSSITER: Yes!  
BELLA: No, you don't!  
(They keep destroying missiles.)  
WILF: Come on!  
BELLA: Come on! Fire!  
(The front window gets blown in.)  
WILF: Whoa! Wow!  
ROSSITER: Yes!  
BELLA: Lock the navigation.  
ADDAMS: Onto what?  
BELLA: England. The Naismith mansion.

**129. Gate room**

GENERAL-MASTER [on screen]: He's heading straight for you.  
MASTER: But too late. They are coming.

**130. Black void**

(The Lord President walks past two Time Lords who have their faces covered with their hands. One man, one Woman. The Woman.)  
RASSILON: The vote is taken. Only four stand against, and will stand as monument to their shame, like the Weeping Angels of old. Now the vanguard stands prepared, as the children of Gallifrey return to the universe. To Earth. (He raises his staff and they vanish in a bright light. The Gate fills with that light.)

**131. Flight deck**

BELLA: Destination?  
ADDAMS: Fifty kliks and closing. We've locked on to the house. We are going to stop, though. Bella? We are going to stop?

**132. Gate room**

MASTER: Closer! And closer! And closer!

**134. Flight deck**

WILF: Bella? Bella, you said you were going to die.  
ADDAMS: He said what?  
WILF: But is that all of us? I won't stop you, sir. But is this it?

**135. Gate room**

(Naismith-Master is looking out of the window at the approaching spaceship.)  
NAISMITH-MASTER: I think I should warn you  
MASTER: Not now!  
(Bella and Matthew pull the spaceship's nose up at the last moment, then open a hatch in the floor and, with the revolver ready, jump down through the glass dome. They land hard on the marble floor. Bella cannot hold the revolver and he cannot stand up. The five Time Lords have arrived - the Gate has been replaced by a white space with raised up two steps.)  
RASSILON: My Lord Matthew. My Lady Bella. My Lord Master. We are gathered for the end.

**136. Flight deck**

(Addams grabs the controls.)  
WILF: Just turn it round. Land it!  
ADDAMS: We are not going in there.  
WILF: I am not leaving that man on his own. Not today. Land it!

**137. Gate room**

BELLA: Listen to me. You can't!  
RASSILON: It is a fitting paradox that our salvation comes at the hands of our most infamous child.  
BELLA: Oh, he's not saving you. Don't you realise what he's doing?  
MASTER: Hey, no, hey! That's mine. Hush. Look around you. I've transplanted myself into every single human being. But who wants a mongrel little species like them, because now I can transplant myself into every single Time Lord. Oh, yes, Mister President, sir, standing there all noble and resplendent and decrepit. Think how much better you're going to look as me.  
(The Lord President holds up his metal gauntlet. It glows and everyone who looks like the Master goes through the head blur thing again.)  
MASTER: No, no, don't. No, no, stop it! No, no, no, don't!  
(Finally, everyone on Earth is restored to themselves.)  
RASSILON: On your knees, mankind.  
(The people obey.)  
MASTER: No, that's fine, that's good, because you said salvation. I still saved you. Don't forget that.  
RASSILON: The approach begins.  
MASTER: Approach of what?  
BELLA: Something is returning. Don't you ever listen? That was the prophecy. Not someone, something.  
MASTER: What is it?  
BELLA: They're not just bringing back the species. It's Gallifrey. Right here, right now.  
(A big burning planet appears close to the Earth.)

**138. Nobles' home**

SHAUN: Macy. Where's Macy?  
(The tidal forces of the new planet make the Earth shake. Thinks fall off shelves.)

**139. Outside the Nobles' home**

(People are panicking as Gallifrey fills the sky.)  
SHAUN: Macy? Macy! Macy!  
SYLVIA: Oh, Bella. Please!

**140. Flight deck**

ADDAMS: We're getting out of here. This whole planet's going to be knocked out of orbit.  
ROSSITER: What about Bella?  
ADDAMS: Well, she said she was dying.

**141. Gate room**

MATTHEW: I'm alive. I've. There was. I'm still alive.  
(Knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock.)  
WILF: They gone, then? Yeah, good-o. If you could let me out?  
BELLA: Yeah.  
WILF: Only, this thing seems to be making a bit of a noise.  
BELLA: The Master left the Nuclear Bolt running. It's gone into overload.  
WILF: And that's bad, is it?  
BELLA: No, because all the excess radiation gets vented inside there. Vinvocci glass contains it. All five hundred thousand rads, about to flood that thing.  
WILF: Oh. Well, you'd better let me out, then.  
BELLA: Except it's gone critical. Touch one control and it floods. Even this would set it off.  
(The sonic screwdriver.)  
WILF: I'm sorry.  
BELLA: Sure.  
WILF: Look, just leave me.  
MATTHEW: Okay, right then, I will. Because you had to go in there, didn't you? You had to go and get stuck, oh yes. Because that's who you are, Wilfred. You were always this. Waiting for me all this time.  
WILF: No really, just leave me. I'm an old man, Matthew. I've had my time.  
MATTHEW: Well, exactly. Look at you. Not remotely important. But me? I could do so much more. So much more! But this is what I get. My reward. And it's not fair! Oh. Oh. I've lived too long.  
WILF: No. No, no, please, please don't. No, don't! Please don't! Please!  
MATTHEW: Wilfred, it's my honour. Better be quick. Three, two, one.  
(Matthew quickly goes into the open booth and unlocks Wilf's side. Wilf runs out and red light floods Matthew's booth. It hurts a lot. Bella flinches. Matthew curls up into a ball. Then the power shuts down. After a few moments, Matthew gets up.)  
WILF: What? Hello.  
MATTHEW: Hi.  
WILF: Still with us?  
MATTHEW: The system's dead. I absorbed it all. Whole thing's kaput. Oh. Now it opens, yeah.  
(Matthew comes out of the booth.)  
WILF: Well, there we are, then. Safe and sound. Mind you, you're in hell of a state. You've got some battle scars there.  
(Matthew rubs his face and the cuts vanish.)  
WILF: But they've. Your face. How did you do that?  
MATTHEW: It's started.  
(Bella hugs Matthew.)

**142. Nobles' home**

(Macy is out cold on the settee.)  
SHAUN: It's no good. She's freezing. How long was she lying there? It's like hypothermia. Try them again.  
SYLVIA: I did, it's engaged. Everyone's dialling 999. I can't get through.  
SHAUN: We've got to do something. Wake her up. Donna? Can you hear me? Macy?  
(Sylvia hears the sound of the Tardis materialising outside. Macy opens her eyes.)  
SHAUN: Macy? It's me. I'm here. You're safe. You're home.  
MACY: But I was. What happened? Did I miss something again?

**143. Outside the Noble's home**

(Sylvia runs to the front door and sees Wilf and Matthew come out of the Tardis.)  
MATTHEW: Oh, she's smiling. As if today wasn't bad enough. Anyway, don't go thinking this is goodbye, Wilf. I'll see you again, one more time.  
WILF: What do you mean? When's that?  
MATTHEW: Just keep looking. I'll be there.  
WILF: Where are you going?  
MATTHEW: To get my reward.

**144. Abandoned factory**

(Martha and Mickey Smith are running from explosions.)  
MICKEY: I told you to stay behind.  
MARTHA: Well, you looked like you needed help. Besides, you're the one who persuaded me to go freelance.  
MICKEY: Yeah, but we're being fired at by a Sontaran. A dumpling with a gun. And this is no place for a married woman.  
MARTHA: Well then, You shouldn't have married me.  
(A Sontaran - Commander Jask, apparently - is on a catwalk behind them with a clear shot, when Matthew hits him on the probic vent with a hammer. )  
MICKEY: If we go in here and down to the factory floor, and down past that corridor, then he won't know that we're here.  
MARTHA: Mickey.  
(She sees Matthew on the catwalk.)  
MARTHA: Mickey.  
MICKEY: Hey!  
(They hug to the sound of the Tardis dematerialising.)

**145. Bannerman Road**

(Young Luke Smith is on the phone.)  
LUKE: That was the maddest Christmas ever, Clive. Mum still doesn't know what happened. She got Mister Smith to put out this story saying that Wi-Fi went mad all across the world, giving everyone hallucinations. I mean, how else do you explain it? Everyone with a different face  
(Luke crosses the road without looking, and Matthew drags him away from being run down.)  
LUKE: But it's you! You're  
(Matthew walks back to the Tardis.)  
LUKE: Mum! Mum!  
SARAH: What? What is it?  
LUKE: It's him.  
(Matthew waves goodbye.)

**146. Alien bar**

(Complete with Raxacoricofallapatorian, Graske, and a little Adipose. Jack Harkness is drinking alone and that Murray Gold song is being sung.)  
JUDOON: Cho no fro jo ko fo to do.  
SINGER: I'm a country girl, I ain't see a lot, but you came along and my heart went pop. You took a little street car to my heart  
(The barman puts a piece of paper in front of Jack.)  
BARMAN: From the man over there.  
(Jack looks up and sees Matthew.)  
SINGER: And an apple of love fell off my apple cart. You looked at me, my heart began to pound. You weren't the sort of guy I thought would stick around.  
(The paper says, his name is Alonso. A young man in Edwardian naval uniform sits next to Jack.)  
SINGER: Hey, but it don't have to be eternally. My bad, bad angel put the Devil in me! You put the Devil in me.  
(Jack salutes Matthew then turns to the young man.)  
SINGER: You lured me in with your cold grey eyes.  
JACK: So, Alonso, going my way?  
ALONSO: How do you know my name?  
JACK: I'm kind of psychic.  
ALONSO: Really?  
JACK: Yeah.  
ALONSO: Do you know what I'm thinking right now?  
JACK: Oh, yeah.  
SINGER: My bad, bad angel, you put the devil in me.

**147. Bookshop**

VERITY: No, it's not just a story, no. Every word of it's true. I found my great grandmother's diary in the loft, and she was a nurse in 1913, and she fell in love with this man called John Smith. Except he was a visitor from another world. She fell in love with a man from the stars. And she wrote it all down.  
(She signs the book for the young man. A Journal of Impossible Things, by Verity Newman, who is the spitting image of her great-grandmother Joan Redfern)  
MAN: Thank you.  
(The next book is presented for signing.)  
VERITY: And who's it for?  
MATTHEW: Matthew.  
(She looks up at him.)  
MATTHEW: Was she happy in the end?  
VERITY: Yes. Yes, she was. Were you?

**148. Outside a church**

(The bells are ringing for the end of a wedding ceremony. Macy and Shaun are married.)  
WILF: You look lovely. Come here.  
(He kisses them both.)  
WILF: Everybody, three cheers. Hip, hip  
ALL: Hooray!  
WILF: Hip, hip  
ALL: Hooray!  
WILF: Hip, hip  
ALL: Hooray!  
MACY: Right, come on then, you lot. This photo is just with friends. Come on. And I want all of you in it. Come on. That's it. Well, friends, and Nerys. Oh, I'm only joking. Oh, look at her.  
NERYS: You made me wear peach.  
MACY: That's because you are a peach. Furry skin, stone inside, going off.  
PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, smile.  
ALL: Cheese!  
MINNIE: How about it, Wilfred?  
WILF: Eh?  
MINNIE: Well, it's never too late.  
WILF: Will you behave, Minnie. Honestly.  
MINNIE: I'm going to catch that bouquet.  
WILF: Oh, dear.  
(Sylvia sees Matthew and the Tardis just outside the lych gate.)  
SYLVIA: Dad.  
(They go over to him.)  
WILF: And here you are, eh? Same old face. Didn't I tell you you'd be all right? Oh! They've arrested Mister Naismith. It was on the news. Crimes undisclosed. And his daughter. Both of them, locked up. But I keep thinking, Matthew, there's one thing you never told me. That woman. Who was she?  
MATTHEW: I just wanted to give you this. Wedding present. Thing is, I never carry money, so I just popped back in time, borrowed a quid off a really lovely man. Geoffrey Russell, his name was. Have it, he said. Have that on me.  
(Sylvia is nearly in tears.)  
PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile!  
(Wilf gives the envelope to Macy.)  
MACY: Oh, don't tell me, it's a bill. Just what I need, right now. A lottery ticket? What a cheap present. Who was that? Still, you never know. It's a triple rollover this week. I might get lucky. Oi, Shaun! Come on, we're on a tight schedule. Oxtail soup at two thirty.  
(Wilf salutes Matthew before he leaves.)

**149. Powell Estate**  
(Matthew staggers painfully back towards the Tardis.)  
SIGMA: We will sing to you, Matthew. The universe will sing you to your sleep. This song is ending, but the story never ends.

**150. Tardis**

(Golden energy streams from his hand. He sets the Tardis going.)  
MATTHEW: I don't want to go.  
(The golden energy starts a lot of fires in the Tardis. He turns into a gangly hyperactive drink of water with a long fringe of hair dangling over one eye. Well, I suppose at least Matt Smith does look slightly alien.)  
MATTHEW: Legs. I've still got legs. Good. Arms. Hands. Ooo, fingers. Lots of fingers. Ears, yes. Eyes, two. Nose, I've had worse. Chin, blimey. Hair. I'm a girl! No. No. I'm not a girl. And still not ginger. And something else. Something important. I'm, I'm, I'm  
(Bang!)  
BELLA: Crashing?  
MATTHEW: Crashing!  
(The Tardis is plummeting back down to Earth.)  
MATTHEW: Ha, ha! Whoo hoo hoo! Ah! Geronimo!


End file.
